[Siavash Zare]

 

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Lovelace,

Re: Frank Marsden, aged 46

I am writing to refer Mr Marsden, a heavy smoker and alcoholic (with alcohol dependency) patient regarding (for evaluation of) his general and dental health conditions and the possibility of changing his blood pressure medication.

• Alcoholic مشکلی نداره ولی with alcohol dependency مودبانه تره

During the past year, Mr Marsden has been presenting (experiencing/suffering from) persistent severe oral and dental conditions (issues) including inflammation and bleeding of the gums, dental caries, calculus accumulation (buildup), and halitosis (particularly alcohol breath).

• کلمه “condition” بیشتر برای وضعیت‌های کلی پزشکی استفاده می‌شود، در حالی که “issue” برای مشکلات خاص (مثل التهاب لثه یا پوسیدگی دندان) مناسب‌تر است.

The patient has a history of elevated blood pressure (hypertension) since 2016 and has been taking Diltiazem for the past year which is a medication known to be able to (potentially) initiate gingivitis or worsen an existing one.

I would highly appreciate your assessment and management of this patient (,) and regarding what mentioned above (and based on the above), considering (kindly consider)a change in his blood pressure medication if possible.

• Considering > consider (دستوری)

• در زمان نگارش requestهای نامه باید از حالت دستوری فعل (مودبانه) استفاده شود.

Best regards,

Words Count: 160 Words

نامه مختصر شده است و برخی اطلاعات در آن ذکر نشده‌اند، از جمله:

• بیمار یک سال است که نقل مکان کرده و هنوز پزشک عمومی ندارد.

• به عوارض جانبی دارو اشاره شده است، اما به‌طور مستقیم ذکر نشده که مشکلات دندانی بیمار احتمالاً ناشی از این عوارض است.

• موضوع توصیه به ترک سیگار و الکل در متن گنجانده نشده است.

• Purpose 2/3

• Content 3/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  C Overall score: (300) 

@El.A

[Siavash Zare]

 

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Manfred

Re: John Barradine, age 52

✅ Thank you for seeing Mr Barradine, a businessman and a father of three, who is suffering from severe pain of (in) tooth 36 which does not respond to analgesics. The patient has a history of type 1 diabetes since childhood, is allergic to sulfonamides, and he (“can be omitted”) is also a smoker. 

✅ Initially, he presented to my office (1/1/2018) with tooth 36 being sensitive to cold. At that time, the tooth was restored using (treated with) GI dressing and amalgam. About a year later, the patient was referred to a surgeon for surgical removal of the impacted lower right molar.

• Rephrased: with sensitivity in tooth 36 to cold

✅After missing several check-up appointments, he presented at my office on 1/7/2019, with a swelling around tooth 36 and evidence of bone loss of (in) the lower left molar area which could be originated (have originated) from tooth 36. Antibiotics were prescribed and an improvement of the condition was seen after two months. However, on 4/10/2019, the patient was presented (returned) to my office with pain and swelling around tooth 36. An RCT was performed during (over) three sessions and a crown was placed on 10/11/2019.

✅Unfortunately, today, the patient presented again with pain in tooth 36 and requested (its) extraction. Although (while) he is informed of the possibility of extraction, he agreed to be visited by an endodontist to assess the tooth for other possible treatments. (alternative treatment options)

✅I would greatly appreciate (it) if you could assess the tooth 36 for further treatments (,)such as apicoectomy(,) as you feel appropriate. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely,

Dentist

• Avoid overusing ‘the patient.’ Instead, use ‘he,’ ‘she,’ or the patient’s name.

• Use ‘returned’ or ‘Revisited’  instead of ‘presented’ when referring to a patient coming back for the second time.

   

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 5/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@El.A

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Lovelace

Re: Mr Frank Marsden , DOB 10.03.1973 

Thank you for seeing (refer/introduce) Mr Marsden, a 46-year-old electrician who needs (requires) a change in his hypertensive medication.

• از اونجا که این یک نامه معرفی بیمار جدید به GP هست، فعل refer یا introduce مناسبتره چون پزشک هنوز بیمار رو ندیده.

• فعل need در رایتینگ پزشکی فرمال نیست.

In terms of his medical condition, he was diagnosed with hypertension on (in) 2016, for which he has been taking Diltiazem 180-240 mg/day for 1 year (for the past one year). He is a heavy smoker and has alcoholic dependency (alcohol dependence) (,) and attends alcoholic anonymous. Please note that he is allergic to penicillin.

• این پاراگراف بک گراند بیمار است و نه مشکل اصلی یا دلیل اصلی مراجعه بیمار پس بهره اخر بیاد (قبل از درخواست پایانی)

Mr Marsden first presented to my surgery last year with a generalized gingival swelling and halitosis. On all his dental visits(,) oral hygiene instructions has (have) been provided and scaling has been performed. However, his gingival enlargement didn’t subside(,) as it is a side effect of Diltiazem.

• در کیس نوت نوشته possible side effect، پس شما باید با احتمال و نه قطعیت مطرح کنید.

• “I suspect this may be a side effect of diltiazem.”

• “It is likely that this is a side effect of diltiazem.”

• “This appears to be a side effect of diltiazem.”

Today(,) I advised him to stop smoking and reduce alcohol consumption(,) as alcohol could be smelled on his appointments, but he seems to need more support from a GP.

• as alcohol odour was evident at his appointments. (more formal)

• استفاده نادرست از But

Mr Marsden has recently moved to Brisbane and doesn’t (does not)  have a local GP. Therefore, I recommended (that) he come and see you to assess if it is possible to change Diltiazem to another effective medication.

Your support and management regarding his medical condition would be greatly appreciated.

Yours sincerely.

Dr Setareh Salehi

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

  C+ Overall score: (300)

@Setisal