[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

RE:Sally Webster (DOB:10.11.2003) 
Dear Dr Yabe, 

I am writing to request your further evaluation and assessment of Sally Webster, whose features are consistent with probable anorexia nervosa. 

• “evaluation” و “assessment” تقریباً هم‌معنی‌اند

Initially, on 17.12.2019, she presented with a complaint of constipation with firm about bowel actions 4-5 days, which had been present for 3 months (for the last three months). She consumed (consumes) 2 tablespoons of bran every morning and had tried taking laxatives. On examination, her findings were unremarkable. I advised her to increase vegetables’ fiber and fluid intake (in her diet).

• Correct date format: 17/12/2019

• →  “constipation with firm bowel motions”

• 4-5 days >> گنگ >>every 4–5 days

• examination findings were unremarkable

Six weeks later, she attended (again) with her mother(,) who was concerned about her weight loss and lack of appetite. She has been having fights with her mother due to her involvement with her diet(این جمله ضروری نبود). Her examination, apart from 6 kg of weight loss and pale skin, was remarkable. 

On review today, she was distant and avoided eye contact. She believes her ideal weight is 40 kg. She denies vomiting and is vague about laxative use. Examinations was (were) unremarkable and investigations revealed no abnormalities. My provisional diagnosis is anorexia nervosa(.) Because of that (In view of this:formal), I consider (that) psychiatric evaluation is necessary.

Regarding her social history, her father has died (died/passed away) 3 years ago and(.) (she) lives with her mother and sister,(and) has a part-time job and is a student. این جمله خیلی طولانی شده 

I would appreciate it if you could assess Sally. Should you require more information, don’t hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely
Aynaz Behnoud MD

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@aynaz-behnoud

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Wright, 
Re:Ms Sandra Marcus

DOB:15 Jan 1983

✅I am writing to refer Ms Marcus, a 33-year-old woman, for assessment regarding a possible thyroid malignancy.

✅Ms Marcus presented on 05 Jul 2019, with a painless neck (,) that she had noticed for the past two months, (measuring) approximately the size of an olive🚩. On examination, a non- tender thyroid nodule was palpated, which moved with deglutition. 

• ❌ “with a painless neck” → Meaning unclear (swelling/lump?) گردن بی‌درد؟

• 🚩Not technically incorrect but…“approximately the size of an olive” is a noun phrase. 

• (در نوشتار رسمی) میکس noun phrase و relative clause در صورتی صحیح است که ابتدا noun phrase آورده بشه:

• …a painless neck swelling, approximately the size of an olive, which she had noticed for the past two months.

• یا …a painless neck swelling, which she had noticed for the past two months, measuring approximately the size of an olive.

✅At Ms Marcus’ (Marcus’s) follow-up appointment two weeks later, her ultrasound results revealed multiple nodules and calcifications on both lobes of the thyroid gland. At the time, she was reluctant to undergo surgical intervention. 

• Provisional diagnosis? Multi-nodular goitre

• TFTs normal

✅Ms Marcus presented again today with (a) progressive increase in size of the neck swelling since over the past month, associated with dysphagia for 3 weeks and hoarseness of voice for one week. On examination the nodule has (had) increased in size, demonstrated limited mobility(,) and right-sided cervical lymphadenopathy were (was) detected. She has now agreed to proceed with surgical intervention. 

• “progressive increase” is treated as a countable noun here.

• ❌”since over the past month” → “over the past month”

• “hoarseness of voice” → simpler: “hoarseness”

✅I would be grateful if you could assess Ms Marcus for possible thyroid malignancy and advise on further management. 

If you require further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely, 

Doctor

• Purpose: 3/3

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@user-961619

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Emergency Registrar,
Re: Mr. Dave Cochrane, DOB: 20/11/1962 

Thank you for seeing Mr. Cochrane, a retired gentleman for urgent admission to the cardiology unit, for stabilization of current cardiac failure. (his acute left ventricular failure)

• عبارت current cardiac failure قابل درک است اما دقیق نیست. در نامه‌های اورژانسی به خصوص، وضعیت بیمار واضح و دقیق ذکر شود و سعی نکنید اطلاعات پزشکی را rephrase کنید.

Mr. Cochrane presents (presented) today with severe shortness of breath, chest pain and sweating since two hours prior (prior to presentation). On examination, his jugular venous pressure is (was) high and he has (had) bilateral ankle edema. His apex beat is (was located) in the sixth intercostal lateral mid clavicular line. His vital signs are stable, although crepitations are heard in both lung bases.

• شما در این پاراگراف از حال ساده استفاده کردید که اشتباه است. دقت کنید حتی اگر امروز بیمار رو ویزیت کردید باز هم گذشته و تمام شده و از زمان گذشته فعل باید بهره بگیرید.

❌ “His apex beat is in the sixth intercostal lateral mid clavicular line.”  → ✅ “His apex beat is located at the sixth intercostal space, lateral to the mid-clavicular line.”

Mr Cochrane first presented on 12/09/2019 with similar symptoms of shortness of breath and also coughing (cough) and was diagnosed with left ventricular failure. He was started on broad-spectrum antibiotics for a week, in addition to Frusemide 40mg/day and Digoxin 0.25 mg/day. 

On (the) follow-up visit two weeks later, his general health had improved, although his examination revealed mild residual ankle edema and a few lung crepitations. 

I would be grateful for your expertise in caring for Mr. Cochrane and (for) admitting him to the cardiology unit for stabilization of (his) left ventricular failure. 

If you have any further queries, please don’t hesitate to contact me. 

Sincerely yours
Doctor

 

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@user-961619

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear: doctor Janie McArdle

Re:Sir or Madam  DOB:12/march/1986

Thank you for seeing one of my patient, a 36(32)-year-old married man who has a history of high blood pressure (hypertension) and requires your ongoing care due to (following) his previous open-chest surgery according to (for) his aortic valve impairment.

• ❌ “one of my patient” → ✅ “one of my patients” (plural required).

Initially(,) on 31/MAR/2019, he presented with features of severe chest pain concomitant with (and) back pain which(,) were suggestive of an acute pulmonary oedema. He underwent on (a) CT scan which(,) revealed (a) severe (severely) dilated ascending aorta associated with type-A dissection ,and (.) an Echocardiogram also revealed aortic valve incompetence(,) which resulted in (an) aortic root replacement and dissection repairment (repair) surgery.

• ❌ “31/MAR/2019,” → ✅ “31/03/2019,”

• اضافه‌گویی + پیوند‌های نامناسب. جمله جایگزین زیر را بخوانید و مقایسه کنید:

• ✅ He presented with severe chest pain and back pain suggestive of acute pulmonary oedema.

• زمانی از features of استفاده میکنید که در ادامه یک بیماری/condition باشد نه symptom. مثلا:

• ✅He presented with chest pain and back pain, which are features of acute pulmonary oedema

• ✅✅✅He presented with features of acute pulmonary oedema

On today’s visit, (today) the patient has been (was) discharged due to (after) his steady progress on (in) recovery and stabilized blood pressure. His medication reconciliation has been done and some courses of anti-biotics (antibiotics) and painkillers (analgesics) along with anti high blood pressure medication (antihypertensive) were prescribed. He also was (was also) commenced on warfarin therapy accompanied by (with) INR monitoring and has been scheduled for cardiac outpatients appointment and some course on rehabilitation physiotherapy. He also advised on smoking cessation and weight loss.

• بیمار امروز مرخص میشود و نیازی به استفاده از واژه visit نیست

• فعل discharge برای بیمار به شکل passive استفاده می شود و گذشته ساده یا به شکل زیر:

• He is due to be discharged today….

• اضافه‌گویی + پیوند‌های نامناسب

In view of (the) above, your follow up care is highly appreciated regarding his routine wound care and monitoring his blood pressure and pain management.

Please note, The patient is a smoker and has a strong family history of aortic aneurysm in his father.

Your sincerely

doctor

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@9360045003

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Lovelace

Re: Mr Frank Marsden , DOB 10.03.1973 

Thank you for seeing (refer/introduce) Mr Marsden, a 46-year-old electrician who needs (requires) a change in his hypertensive medication.

• از اونجا که این یک نامه معرفی بیمار جدید به GP هست، فعل refer یا introduce مناسبتره چون پزشک هنوز بیمار رو ندیده.

• فعل need در رایتینگ پزشکی فرمال نیست.

In terms of his medical condition, he was diagnosed with hypertension on (in) 2016, for which he has been taking Diltiazem 180-240 mg/day for 1 year (for the past one year). He is a heavy smoker and has alcoholic dependency (alcohol dependence) (,) and attends alcoholic anonymous. Please note that he is allergic to penicillin.

• این پاراگراف بک گراند بیمار است و نه مشکل اصلی یا دلیل اصلی مراجعه بیمار پس بهره اخر بیاد (قبل از درخواست پایانی)

Mr Marsden first presented to my surgery last year with a generalized gingival swelling and halitosis. On all his dental visits(,) oral hygiene instructions has (have) been provided and scaling has been performed. However, his gingival enlargement didn’t subside(,) as it is a side effect of Diltiazem.

• در کیس نوت نوشته possible side effect، پس شما باید با احتمال و نه قطعیت مطرح کنید.

• “I suspect this may be a side effect of diltiazem.”

• “It is likely that this is a side effect of diltiazem.”

• “This appears to be a side effect of diltiazem.”

Today(,) I advised him to stop smoking and reduce alcohol consumption(,) as alcohol could be smelled on his appointments, but he seems to need more support from a GP.

• as alcohol odour was evident at his appointments. (more formal)

• استفاده نادرست از But

Mr Marsden has recently moved to Brisbane and doesn’t (does not)  have a local GP. Therefore, I recommended (that) he come and see you to assess if it is possible to change Diltiazem to another effective medication.

Your support and management regarding his medical condition would be greatly appreciated.

Yours sincerely.

Dr Setareh Salehi

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@Setisal

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Booker, 

Re: Mr Darren Walker (D.O.Β: 05/07/1972) 

Thank you for seeing Mr Walker, a 40-year-old a married smoker man, who is (was/has been) diagnosed with hypertension and has a family history of prostate cancer in his father. He is currently complaining of difficulty in passing water and requires your expert management.

• “smoker man” → smoker / man هر دو اسم را با هم نیارید و فقط یکی استفاده بشه

• avoid informal “passing water.” →”passing urine”

• فشار خون بهتر بود در پاراگراف های آخر بیاد نه در مقدمه که هدف اصلی بررسی prostate cancer هست.

Last month(,) Mr Walker presented to me for a routine check-up. His blood pressure was high (165/90) and his weight was 85(,) which was higher than normal for his height. For controlling (to control/manage) the risk factors of the blood pressure(,) he was advised to reduce his weight and try to stop smoking.

•  higher than normal → above the normal range

• he was advised to lose weight and to stop smoking

• استفاده از “کاما”

In one month review, Mr Walker’s blood pressure is (has) improved (145/80) by reducing his weight and decreasing the number of cigarettes per day (from 20 to 10 per day). Although he has been experiencing difficulty in urinating. His recent test result(s) shows a high PSA (10) associated (with) a digital rectal examination which is suggesting an enlargement of (the) prostate.

• ❌ “In one month review,” → ✅ “At his one-month review,”

• Although → برای ترکیب دو جمله در تضاد استفاده میشود اینجا فقط یک عبارت  وابسته دارید

• Something Associated with something

• عبارت associated with یعنی مرتبط بودن. اینجا شما دو جمله خبری دارید که باید بینشون and بیاد و هیچ کدام در ارتباط یا در نتیجه دیگری نیست.

• ✅ “His recent test results show an elevated PSA level (10 ng/mL), and a digital rectal examination suggests prostate enlargement.”

• Test results: همیشه جمع میاد حتی اگر یک آزمایش باشه

In view of the above, I believe he needs (requires) further assessment such as (including) a prostate biopsy. It would be appreciated if you would inform me about Mr walker’s condition and treatments.

• Need , such as , … are informal words in medical writing

• Treatment is uncountable here

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely, 

Doctor 

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@hani-d

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Smith
RE:Mrs Priya Sharma,DOB:08/05/1958

Word count: 167 words

I am referring Mrs Sharma, a 60-year-old retired diabetic woman who is concerned about her glucose level control.

Mrs Sharma has a strong family history for (of) diabetes, and she also has been (is) a known case of type 2 diabetes, on (for which she takes) Metformin 500mg, and Glipzid (Gliclazide) 10 mg daily. Her (other) past medical history is otherwise unremarkable.

• Has been → is : از حال ساده برای بیان فکت استفاده کنید

In January and February of this year, I visited her (she presented) in (on) four different occasions, (.) despite adding Candesartan, her blood glucose level wasn’t (was not) properly controlled. Furthermore, I have prescribed (prescribed)  Atorvastatin 20mg daily due to her high level of Cholesterol.

•  شما بیمار رو ویزیت نکردید بلکه بیمار به شما مراجعه کرده، برخلاف معنای فارسی ویزیت کردن در انگلیسی یعنی شما رفتید بیمار رو دیدید.

Today, she had a BP:155/100, and her BMI was 24. Her last eye check (examination) was two years ago that was normal.

• “She has a BP:155/100” → “her blood pressure was 155/100 mmHg”

Given the above, your expert opinion and management of her blood glucose, (no comma needed) would be appreciated. Please don’t (do not) hesitate to contact me if you require any further information.

Yours sincerely
Dr Ghanbarzadeh
GP 

این رایتینگ خیلی خلاصه شده و یک سری اطلاعات بیمار نیومده. حجم رایتینگ باید 180 تا 200 کلمه باشه. چند مورد مهم وجود داشت که باید به آنها توجه می‌کردید و جا افتاده بودند:

• تاریخ تشخیص دقیق دیابت بیمار (1999) را ذکر نکردی.

• توضیح ندادی که بیمار از قبل در خانه فشار خون و قند خود را کنترل می‌کرد.

• نتایج آزمایشگاهی مهم مثل HbA1c، GFR و کلسترول قبل و بعد از درمان را نیاوردی.

• تغییرات سطح قند خانگی و تفاوت بین fasting و non-fasting مشخص نبود.

• دلیل دقیق ارجاع (فستینگ بالا و کنترل ناقص قند با داروهای فعلی) به طور واضح گفته نشده بود.

مورد دیگه عدم رعایت اصل فرمال نویسی هست. بعضی جملات ساختار ناقصی دارند مثل:

• “She has a BP:155/100” → “her blood pressure was 155/100 mmHg” 

• “on Metformin 500mg, and Glipzid 10 mg daily” → “for which she takes Metformin 500 mg and Gliclazide 10 mg daily”

• همچنین استفاده از فرم خلاصه مثل don’t , wasn’t

لطفا جلسات گرامر و رایتینگ با دقت بیشتری مطالعه شوند

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@kourosh

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Doctor, 
Re: Amina Ahmed (D.O.B: 12/08/2011)

🛑Word count: 295 words🛑

1️⃣✅Thank you for seeing this patient, an 8 year old (8-year-old) child who has been diagnosed with meningococcal meningitis. Currently she (she currently) requires your urgent assessment and treatment due to her uncontrolled fever and (possible) meningitis. (symptoms suggestive of meningococcal meningitis)

2️⃣Initially, she was brought to our medical center on 09/10/2019, (no comma needed) with signs and symptoms suggestive of (a) viral infection. Her temperature was 39.4 (,) while her physical examination was normal. Therefore paracetamol was prescribed and (she) was advised to rest at home.

3️⃣Three days later, she was reviewed and there were no improvements in her symptoms, ( . full stop) She was suffering from cough, loss of appetite and an ongoing headache associated with an uncontrolled fever. So (therefore,) Brufen 200 mg was prescribed, also (and) some tests such as FBC and UFR were ordered for ruling out (to rule out) the possibility of the infections (infection). Although the urine function report was normal, but the blood test showed an increasing (an increase) in white blood cells with a shift to the left.

• استفاده همزمان از although و but صحیح نیست. هر دو نشان تضاد هستند و فقط یکی باید استفاده شود.

4️⃣On review today, her parents were concerned and reported that she vomited two times (twice) last night (,) along with exacerbated headaches and lethargy. On examination she was febrile (40.2 c) with a rise in her pulse rate (an elevated pulse rate) (110 beats per minute). Despite a normal physical examination in the previous visit (جمله تکراری) , currently macula- papular rashes has  been appeared on her legs associated with a stiffness in her neck. (maculopapular rashes have now appeared on her legs, associated with stiffness in her neck.)

5️⃣Based on her ongoing (persistent) fever and symptoms of meningitis, penicillin V was administered as a stat dose (a stat dose of penicillin V was administered) and she was immediately referred to your pediatric unit for further assessments and treatments. (این نامه هدفش همین ارجاع هست و این جمله رو نباید می آورید چون معنیش اینه که بیمار هم اکنون ارجاع داده شده)

• 🔴همانطور که مشاهده میکنید رایتینگ شما 280 کلمه شده که بیش از رنج معمول است. دلیل آن این است که شرح visit های بیمار را کامل نوشتید. دقت کنید که رایتینگ باید چکیده و خلاصه باشد. پاراگراف های 2 و 3 و 4 و 5 باید خلاصه بشن به دو پاراگراف. یکی وضعیت کنونی بیمار و دو خلاصه ویزیت های قبلی. لطفا به سمپل نوشته شده رایتینگ پایین تسک در سایت رجوع کنید.

6️⃣Please note that she has no prominent (significant) past medical history and also ( . full stop) Amina comes from a refugee family (,) but she and her father can understand English.

7️⃣I would appreciate your urgent attention and assessment regarding (of) this patient.If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely Doctor

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@hani-d

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Alaa Omar,

Re: Mrs Somarin Khaze, DOB: 12 April 1972

Thank you for accepting Mrs Khaze, a long-term patient of mine, whoes (whose)  featurs (features) are consistent  with breast cancer.

Mrs Khaze is a 47-year-old healthcare worker and mother of four, who attended my clinic on 22  October 2019 with a left breast lump. She first noticed it six months ago which was non-tender(,) firm, and had not significantly changed in size. On examination, a hard, ill-defined mas (mass) (was:passive) palpated. An ultrasound and mammogram were arranged ; ( . full stop) her previous mammogram two years  ago was normal.

At review (on a review) two weeks later, Mrs Khaze reported anxiety, sleep disturbance, and elevated blood  pressure (150/90 mmHg). Imagings revealed a solid 15×8 mm nodule, (which was) highly suspicious for  malignancy. Subsequent biopsy confirmed a moderately differentiated invasive duc (ductal) carcinoma.

• “Imaging” is uncountable

Please note, Mrs Khaze has a family history of breast cancer on (in) her sister (who was) treated by (with)  mastectomy, lymph node dissection, and chemotherapy. Additionally, she underwent a benign  lumpectomy five years ago.

Given ebove (given the above), I would appreciate your urgent review and surgical management, including reconstructive surgery as per the patient’s request. Please do not hesitate to contact me if (any) further information is required.

Yours sincerely,

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@faribabehnam

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Childers, 
Re: Mrs Jane Macintyre, DOB: 0I Mar 1980 

Thank you for accepting Mrs Jane McIntyre, a 39-year-old woman who has recently become pregnant and has requested (a) referral for antenatal care and delivery at the Spirit Mothers Hospital. 

• ❌ who has recently become pregnant → ✅ who is 8 weeks pregnant/who presented today with a positive pregnancy test

• جمله اصلا اشتباه نیست از لحاظ ساختار/گرامر، اما حرفه ای نیست که بگید “اخیرا باردار شده”

• ❌has requested a referral → شما تصمیم به ارجاع بیمار گرفتید و این درخواست بیمار نیست

• ❌ delivery at the Spirit Mothers Hospital. → در مورد زایمان بیمار اصلا در تسک اشاره ای نشده

✅Mrs McIntyre is a mother of two with a history of two miscarriages. Her first pregnancy was complicated by severe pre-eclampsia and preterm caesarean section delivery at 32 weeks. Her second pregnancy and caesarean delivery were uneventful. 

At today’s review, Mrs Macintyre reports (reported) being 8 weeks pregnant. She is suffering (has been suffering) from dysuria for the past 3 days along with Urinalysis shows 3+ protein and 2+ blood. The (other) examination and vital signs are unremarkable. She has a family history of thrombosis and has tested positive for heterozygous Factor V Leiden mutation, for which she was treated with low-dose low molecular weight heparin in (during) both previous pregnancies. 

• ❌reported

• دقت کنید حتی اگر بیمار امروز ویزیت شده باشد در نامه از گذشته ساده استفاده میکنید: “بیمار گزارش کرد که…” (گذشته)

• ❌ is sufferin → ✅has been suffering با توجه به for the past 3 days

❌ اشتباه در اتصال دو جمله نامربوط با “along with”

• ❌ عبارت “along with” برای افزودن یک مورد هم‌رده استفاده می‌شود، نه برای وصل کردن دو جمله‌ی مستقل. مثل:
   ✅ “She is suffering from dysuria along with urinary frequency.”
   (دو نشانه‌ی هم‌رده از علائم بیماری را به هم وصل کرده‌ایم.)

اما در جمله‌ی تو، بعد از “along with” جمله‌ی جدید (“Urinalysis shows…”) آمده، که ساختار متفاوتی دارد و نمی‌تواند با “along with” وصل شود.

In view of the above, I have recommended (prescribed/commenced) folic acid 400 mcg (mg) daily, tinazaprine 3500 unite (units) subcutaneously once daily, along with✅ cefalexin 250 mg every 6 hours for 5 days for (her) urinary tract infection. Antenatal blood tests were performed, and a scan for nuchal translucency was advised at 11–13 weeks. 

I would kindly request (that) you to arrange (urgent) ongoing antenatal care as you consider appropriate for her(,) due to her high-risk pregnancy. Should you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely 

Dr Behnam

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 5/7

• Language 5/7

خب رایتینگ شما هم خوب بود هم بد! اگر اشتباهات مقدمه نبود قطعا نمره عالی میگرفتید. مشکل زبانی تقریبا ندارید با تمرین بیشتر حل میشه. اما محتوای مقدمه خیلی مهمه و باید دقت کنید.

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

@faribabehnam

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dietitian, 

Re: Alex Roden (DOB: 24 September 1951) 

✅I am writing to refer Mr. Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widowed patient who (whom) I have been visiting after undergoing triple bypass heart surgery. He is seeking (requires) a dietary assessment and appropriate nutritional recommendations. 

•  :seek معنی: به دنبال چیزی بودن، درخواست کردن، نسبتاً غیررسمی‌تر و معمولاً از دید بیمار استفاده می‌شود.

✅In terms of his recent medical history , Mr. Roden was admitted to our hospital on 17 August 2019 due to an angina attack. After an uneventful recovery, he was discharged with dietary recommendations including a low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol, and gluten-free diet. He was also advised to increase fluid intake, which I have been monitoring . 

• Hypertension?

✅Regarding his habits, since the death of his wife, Mr. Roden has not cooked and has relied on takeaway meals and red meats such as steak and sausages, typically accompanied by frozen vegetables instead of fresh vegetables. He gave up smoking 3 years ago and has reduced alcohol consumption. 

✅Over the past six months, he has had a weight gain (of) approximately 5 kg, and his BMI is currently 33, which falls into the obese category. He has not exercised since his favorite club closed. Although he is struggling to adhere to the recommended diet, he has expressed motivation to improve his eating habits. 

✅In view of the above, it would be greatly appreciated if you could provide with your assessment of his dietary guidance and meal planning. Please note that copies of the Heart Foundation’s healthy eating brochures have been provided to the patient. 

• Provide something / provide someone with something

Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely, 

Allice Raymond 

Rural Community Health Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 6/7

  B Overall score: (420)

 

@989229013707

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Mrs Jane MacIntyre    D.O.B: 01/03/1980

Dear Dr Childers,

✅Thank you for seeing Mrs Jane MacIntyre, a 39-year-old woman, (no comma needed) requiring (who requires) your further antenatal assessment and management considering her age, previous pre-eclampsia and caesarean section.

«requiring» شکل کوتاه‌شده‌ی «who is/was requiring» هست و یعنی «که نیاز دارد».
 اما این فرم بیشتر وقتی استفاده می‌شود که جمله درباره‌ی وضعیت فعلی بیمار باشد، نه در جمله‌ی رسمیِ تشکر یا معرفی. مثلاً:

 ✅ She was admitted to hospital requiring oxygen therapy.

Mrs MacIntyre presented following a positive home pregnancy test, reporting that her last menstrual period was on 26/01/2019. In terms of her obstetric history, she has had severe pre-eclampsia in her first pregnancy(,) for which she underwent (a) Caesarean section at 32 weeks (at 32 weeks of gestation). Furthermore, she has a positive family history of thrombosis and is heterozygous for factor V Leiden(,) for which low molecular weight heparin was administered during both her pregnancies. While she has had two miscarriages, her second pregnancy was uncomplicated.

Rephrased: for which she received low molecular weight heparin during both pregnancies

• البته اشکالی که در اینجا هست اینه که شما تا قبل این به حاملگی دوم اشاره نکرده بودید و در جمله بعدش اشاره شده.

✅Today, she was complaining of 3-day dysuria. All physical examination (findings) were normal. (A) Urine dipstick has revealed 3+ protein, +2 nitrites and +1 blood. She was commenced on Tinzaparine 3.500 units daily subcutaneously, Cefalexin 500mg every 6 hours for 5-day course (for 5 days) and Folic acid 400 mg (daily?) until 12 weeks of pregnancy. Please note that (a) nuchal translucency scan was (is) arranged (advised) and routine antenatal blood test results will be sent to your center.

• ❌ “was complaining of 3-day dysuria” → ✅ “presented with a 3-day history of dysuria”

✅In view of the above findings, your obstetric assessment and further care and birth management would be appreciated.

Should you require any additional information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Doctor

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

@shailin

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Benerjee,

Re: Ms Eleanor Bennet

D.O.B: 06/12/1975 

Word count: 290 (180-200)

I am writing to refer Ms Bennet, a 45-year-old divorced woman with 2 children who requires (an) assessment of her medications following a heart attack. 

Ms Bennet had been admitted in hospital (Oakville General Hospital) on 8 February following her (a) heart attack at  (the) airport after a long-haul flight. She had experienced jaw aches, nausea and shortness of breath, and (a) defibrillator was subsequently applied by (a) first-aider. Her condition was managed with (a) balloon-expandable stent via (the) groin.

• ❌ “had been admitted in hospital” → ✅ “was admitted to Oakville hospital”

• “بستری شدن” باید به صورت passive بیاد. همچنین زمان گذشته ساده. همچنین حرف اضافه to >> بیمار بستری شد

• ❌ “jaw aches” → ✅ “jaw ache”

One month ago, Ms Bennet was discharged, and was advised to take 4 weeks off work. Consequently, captopril (50mg twice a day) and atorvastatin (80mg daily) were prescribed, and lifestyle changes were recommended. She exhibited stress due to a poor relationship with her mother (her carer), and had poor compliance with her cardiac rehabilitation sessions.

• ❌ “She exhibited stress…” → ✅ “She has exhibited stress…”

• ❌ “and had poor compliance” → ✅ “and has shown poor compliance”

• Present perfect is better here to connect past discharge with ongoing effect.

Today, Ms Bennet presented with concerns of side effects of captopril, and reported dizziness, headaches and episodes of diarrhoea. She requested to discontinue (discontinuation) of captopril, and is reluctant to start a new medication. 

• ❌ “concerns of side effects” → ✅ “concerns about the side effects”

Please note that she has a family history of heart disease in her father (father’s side). Ms Bennet is a smoker (20 cigarettes a day) and (is) overweight (BMI 29), and she has increased her alcohol intakes (intake) to 40 units per week. Additionally, she reported extreme stress regarding the care of her children, who mainly live with their father.

I would appreciate it if you could review of medications of this patient, and encourage her to make some changes in her lifestyle. Please contact me if you need any further information.

• ❌ “review of medications of this patient” → ✅ “review this patient’s medications”

Yours sincerely,

Dr….

اشکالات اصلی در متن شما به شرح زیر است:

1. اطلاعات غیرضروری زیاد بود. من بخش‌های اضافه را برایتان هایلایت کرده‌ام. از حجم کلی رایتینگ مشخص است که اطلاعات خارج از موضوع اصلی زیاد بوده است. هدف: داروهای بیمار نیاز به ارزیابی دارند و بیمار باید به تغییر سبک زندگی تشویق شود. توضیحاتی مثل محل بروز سکته قبل بستری و علائم اولیه، وضعیت تاهل و داشتن فرزند ارتباطی با هدف نامه ندارند.

2. عدم رعایت صحیح آرتیکل‌ها. در چند بخش، از “a” و “the” به‌درستی استفاده نشده بود که دقت در این مورد ضروری است.

3. اشتباه در زمان افعال. در برخی جملات از زمان نادرست استفاده شده است. لطفاً مواردی که برایتان مشخص کرده‌ام را بررسی و تحلیل کنید تا بتوانید در نوشته بعدی خود به‌درستی به‌کار ببرید.

منتظر رایتینگ بعدی شما هستم.

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (350) با ارفاق

لطفا وبینارهای رایتینگ و درس زیر مطالعه شوند:

وبینارهای رایتینگ

درس آرتیکل‌ها (A, An, The)

@mobina-sharifzadeh

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr. Pulford

Re: Ms. Catherine Wilsdale

✅I am writing to provide information regarding your patient, Ms. Wilsdale , following our discussion and recommendations at the pharmacy. 

✅She presented to my pharmacy on 23/03/23 and reported symptoms such as (including) headache, (a) blocked nose, diarrhea, cramps and nausea. She requested medication to relieve her symptoms.

✅Upon inquiry, she mentioned that she had experienced these symptoms 3 times in the last month and she was concerned about their frequency and duration.She stated that she has a gluten allergy but she hasn’t (had not) consumed gluten. Although, (no comma) she has consumed gluten-free pasta, after that she has experienced symptoms. She also has a family history of gluten allergy and coeliac disease.

• “Although, she has consumed…” → هم از نظر ساختار هم زمان اشتباهه؛ بهتره ساده‌تر و گذشته بیاری.

• “after that she has experienced” → اشتباه؛ باید “experienced” یا “had experienced” باشه.

She stated that she has a gluten allergy but had not consumed gluten. However, she reported that after eating gluten-free pasta, she experienced symptoms.

✅I recommended taking antihistamines to decrease her symptoms and** if her symptoms getting worse (worsen) contact her doctor. I (also) advised her that it is crucial to monitor her future diet and discuss to the dietitian regarding her wheat allergy. (missing: suspected a possible wheat allergy.)

• ❌ “discuss to the dietitian regarding her wheat allergy” → ✅ “discuss her wheat allergy with a dietitian”

• ✅Discuss something with someone.

• ** I recommended taking … and to contact her doctor if symptoms worsen

✅I would greatly appreciate it if you could investigate her possible wheat allergy, I will also inform her Gp about our discussion. 

✅If you have any questions, do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Mahboobe Etaat

Pharmacist

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@2480011763

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

• Word Count: 324 words

• زیاد بودن تعداد کلمات در رایتینگ نشان می‌دهد که یا اطلاعات غیرضروری در نامه گنجانده شده است یا جملات بیش از حد طولانی و اصطلاحاً wordy هستند.

Re: Mrs Sormini Khaze, DOB: 12 April 1972

Dear Dr Omar,

Thank you for seeing Mrs Sormini Khaze, a married woman whose features are consistent with moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma in the biopsy result of her left breast; therefore, I am referring for (to) a request of urgent reconstructive surgery for her due to breast cancer.

• موارد هایلایت شده باید حذف شوند. نتیجه بیوپسی در ادامه نامه میاد در نه در مقدمه و اینجا صرفا تکرار شده. و عبارت آخر “به دلیلی سرطان سینه” اضافی هست.

• “I am referring for a request of urgent reconstructive surgery for her”

• “I am referring her for urgent reconstructive surgery”

• خلاصه‌تر:

• “Thank you for seeing Mrs Sormini Khaze, who has been diagnosed with moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma of the left breast, for whom I am requesting urgent reconstructive surgery.”

• “ I am writing to refer Mrs Sormini Khaze, who has been diagnosed with moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma of the left breast, for urgent reconstructive surgery.”

On 22 October 2018, Mrs Khaze presented with a lump in her left breast that was discovered from 6 months ago, which is (was) painless, almond-size without any change in size(??), and no nipple discharge. On examination, her BMI was overweight and a 2×2 cm lump in her left breast was detected that was painless, firm, and ill-defined margins. There were palpable(,) mobile lymph nodes in her axillary (axilla), however CVS, ABD, and RS were normal. I ordered some tests for (to) rule out of breast cancer.

• ❌ “was discovered from 6 months ago” → ✅ “had been noticed six months earlier”

• ❌ “BMI was overweight” → ✅ “she was overweight” (BMI is a number; clinically we say someone is overweight or with high BMI).

Two weeks later, Mrs Khaze returned with anxiety of her results for which her blood pressure was 150/90. Ultrasound showed a (an) 18 × 16 mm nodule in her left breast and mammogram revealed an area with highly suspicious of malignancy in her left breast with multiple nodules of (in) her axilla. I consented (I obtained consent for) a core biopsy to confirm her diagnosis and prescribed diazepam for her stress.

• ❌ “with anxiety of her results” → ✅ “anxious about her results”

• ❌ “highly suspicious of malignancy” → ✅ “highly suspicious for malignancy”

Today, Mrs Khaze’s biopsy results showed a moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma in her left breast. She has 4 children and a history of lumpectomy in her right breast for benign lesions and there was not (no) possibility of malignancy in her mammogram for 2 years ago. Her sister had breast cancer for 7 years ago that was treated by mastectomy and axillary clearance was followed by chemotherapy.

• ❌ “biopsy result” → ✅ “biopsy results”

  • Usually plural in formal medical reporting.

• ❌ “there was not possibility of malignancy in her mammogram for 2 years ago” → ✅ “her mammogram 2 years ago showed no evidence of malignancy”

I would appreciate (it) if you could manage an urgent reconstructive surgery for this patient.

Should you need more information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (330)

---

 

۱. اصل «مختصر و مفید» رو رعایت کن

همونطور که خودت هم متوجه شدی، یکی از چالش‌های این رایتینگ، تعداد زیاد کلمات بود. توی نامه‌های رسمی، به خصوص نامه‌های پزشکی، باید اطلاعات رو به شکل مستقیم و بدون حاشیه بیان کنی. جملات طولانی و تکراری می‌تونن خواننده رو گیج کنن.

• به جای: “I am referring for a request of urgent reconstructive surgery for her due to breast cancer.”

• بنویس: “I am writing to refer Mrs Khaze for urgent reconstructive surgery.”

۲. به گرامر و ساختار جمله بیشتر توجه کن

درست استفاده کردن از زمان فعل‌ها (tenses) و حروف اضافه (prepositions) توی رایتینگ خیلی مهمه. مثلاً دقت کن که چه زمانی از “ago” استفاده می‌کنی و چه زمانی از “earlier”. همچنین، حرف اضافه‌ای که بعد از کلمات می‌آد رو به خاطر بسپار. مثلاً “rule out” همیشه با “to” میاد، نه “for”.

۳. از واژگان مناسب استفاده کن

سعی کن از واژگانی استفاده کنی که طبیعی و رایج هستن. مثلاً به جای “BMI was overweight” بهتره از “she was overweight” یا “she had a high BMI” استفاده کنی.

@989124149700