[Siavash Zare]

@user-431494

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dr Alaa Omar
Breast Surgeon
1414 Wickham Tce
Spring Hill
4004

9 November 2018

Dear Dr Omar,

Re: Mrs Somrani (Somarni) Khaze, DOB: 12/04/1972

I am writing to refer Mrs Somrani (Somarni) Khaze, a 46-year-old mother of four, for further assessment and possible surgical management of recently diagnosed left breast ductal carcinoma.

• ❌ «Somrani» → ✅ «Somarni» — اسم بیمار در کل نامه اشتباهه (تکرار شده)
• سن بیمار و تعداد فرزندان باید تو مقدمه بیاد — اضافه کردیم

Mrs Khaze initially presented on 22 October 2018 with a six-month history of a non-painful growing (painless, non-growing) lump in her left breast. Examination revealed a 2*(×)2-cm solid mass in her left breast with ill-defined margins and mobile (palpable mobile) axillary lymphadenopathy. Subsequently, investigations were arranged.

• کیس‌نوت می‌گه «not ↑ in size» — یعنی بزرگ‌تر نشده، نه داره رشد می‌کنه! ❌ growing → ✅ non-growing
• «mobile» به تنهایی ناقصه — ✅ «palpable mobile» کامل‌تره
• ❌ 2*2 → ✅ 2×2

On 6 November 2018, an ultrasound demonstrated a 16*18(16×18)-mm nodule with variable echogenicity in her left breast, while a mammogram showed an area highly suspicious of malignancy, together with several axillary nodules. Today, biopsy confirmed moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma of the left breast. 👍

• ❌ 16*18 → ✅ 16×18

Of particular relevance, Mrs Khaze has a history of right breast benign lesion, for which she underwent lumpectomy in 2013. Her previous mammogram was unremarkable two years ago. Her sister was also diagnosed with breast cancer seven years earlier (six years ago) and you treated her with mastectomy and (, axillary clearance, and) chemotherapy.

• ❌ seven years earlier → ✅ six years ago — طبق کیس‌نوت ۶ ساله، نه ۷
• axillary clearance رو از درمان خواهر حذف کردی — باید بیاد

I would appreciate your expert assessment and consideration of immediate reconstructive surgery if you deem appropriate (as per her request). Please do not hesitate to contact me if further information is required.

• «if you deem appropriate» جمله رو ضعیف می‌کنه — این خواسته‌ی بیماره، نه پیشنهاد مشروط تو

Yours sincerely,
Doctor (Dr. Tin Aung, GP)

• ❌ «Doctor» → ✅ «Dr. Tin Aung, GP»

• Purpose: 3/3
• Content: 5/7
• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7
• Genre & Style: 5/7
• Organisation & Layout: 5/7
• Language: 4/7

B

Overall score: (380)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

دقت در خواندن کیس‌نوت

• «not ↑ in size» یعنی بزرگ‌تر نشده — اشتباه گرفتی با growing
• تعداد سال‌ها رو دقیق بخون: خواهر ۶ سال پیش، نه ۷
• axillary clearance رو از درمان خواهر حذف کردی

اطلاعات پایه‌ی بیمار

• سن بیمار (46 ساله) و تعداد فرزندان باید تو مقدمه بیاد — بدون این‌ها content ناقصه

نکات زبانی و سبکی

• اسم بیمار در کل نامه اشتباه نوشته شده: Somrani به‌جای Somarni
• علامت × برای اندازه‌گیری، نه * (2×2 و 16×18)
• امضا باید با اسم و عنوان کامل باشه، نه فقط «Doctor»
• «if you deem appropriate» حذف بشه — درخواست reconstructive surgery خواسته‌ی مستقیم بیماره

[Siavash Zare]

@jana
▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dr. Anne Childers MBBS FRANZCOG
Consultant Obstetrician
Spirit Mother’s Hospital
Stanley Street
South Brisbane

24 August 2019

Dear Dr. Childers,

Re: Mrs. Jane MacIntyre
D.O.B: 01/03/1980

I am writing to refer Mrs. MacIntyre, a 39-year-old mother of two (aged 3 and 5) (mother of two) who presented with a positive pregnancy test. She has a strong history of severe pre-eclampsia, caesarean section and two miscarriages (previous caesarean section, and two miscarriages). In view of her age and history (obstetric history), I believe she requires urgent specialist assessment and management.

• سن بچه‌ها (aged 3 and 5) اطلاعات غیرضروری برای متخصص زنان — حذف
• ❌ needs → ✅ requires (لحن رسمی‌تر)
• 👍 مقدمه خوبه، purpose واضح بیان شده

In her first pregnancy, Mrs. MacIntyre delivered by emergency caesarean section at 32 weeks due to developing severe pre-eclampsia. Therefore, magnesium sulfate was commenced and she was admitted in intensive care unit for 3 days. Her baby’s weight was 2.1 kg and was admitted in Neonatal intensive care unit for two weeks. (developed severe pre-eclampsia, for which she underwent an emergency caesarean section at 32 weeks of gestation.) Therefore, magnesium sulfate was commenced and she was admitted in intensive care unit for 3 days. Her baby’s weight was 2.1 kg and was admitted in Neonatal intensive care unit for two weeks.

• جزئیات ICU، منیزیم سولفات و بستری نوزاد برای این ارجاع لازم نیست — حذف کن؛ همین‌ها باعث شده نامه از ۲۰۰ کلمه بیشتر بشه
• ❌ admitted in ICU → ✅ admitted to ICU
• ❌ delivered by caesarean → ✅ underwent a caesarean section

In her second pregnancy, her blood pressure remained normal and her baby was delivered at full time (full term) and weighed 3.4 kg. Mrs. MacIntyre reported that she has a family history of thrombosis and she is heterozygous for factor 7 Leiden (is heterozygous for Factor V Leiden), for which she received prophylactic low molecular weight heparin during her two (both) previous pregnancies. She has a negative smear in 2016 and she didn’t on any regular medication.

• ❌ full time → ✅ full term
• ❌ factor 7 Leiden → ✅ Factor V Leiden — V حرف رومی است نه عدد ۷، اشتباه بالینی جدی!
• ❌ in her two previous → ✅ during both previous
• اطلاعات اسمیر منفی و نبود داروی منظم اینجا غیرضروری‌اند — حذف

Today, Mrs. MacIntyre complained of painful urination for the past three days (presented with a three-day history of dysuria). She also stated that her last menstrual period was in (on) 26 June 2019 and her home pregnancy test was positive. On examination, her abdomen was soft without any tenderness. The fundus of her uterus was not palpable in suprapubic level. Her blood pressure was measured 120/80 and her urine dipstick showed presence of a large amount of protein and nitrate a long with slight blood (Urine dipstick findings were suggestive of a urinary tract infection, with 3+ protein, 2+ nitrites, and 1+ blood.)

• ❌ complained of painful urination → ✅ presented with a three-day history of dysuria
• ❌ in 26 June → ✅ on 26 June
• ❌ a long with → ✅ along with (یک کلمه)
• ❌ nitrate → ✅ nitrites
• جزئیات معاینه (شکم، فوندوس، BP نرمال) برای این نامه لازم نیست — اینا هم به کلمات اضافه می‌زنن

Based on her history and symptoms, she was commenced on folic acid 400 micrograms once a day (daily, to be continued until 12 weeks of gestation) and tinzaparine 3,500 units subcutaneously daily, as well as cefalexin 250 mg every six hours for five days for the suspected urinary tract infection. Routine antenatal blood tests and a midstream urine specimen were ordered. Also, she was advised (She was also counselled) to have a nuchal translucency between (scan at) 11 and 13 weeks of pregnancy to role (rule) out Down’s syndrome, in view of her advanced maternal age.

• فولیک اسید تا هفته ۱۲ — این جزئیت مهم بود و حذف شده بود، اضافه‌اش کردم
• ❌ role out → ✅ rule out
• ❌ also, she was advised → ✅ she was also counselled
• دلیل اسکن نوکال (سن مادر) باید ذکر بشه — اضافه شد

I appreciate your assessment and management. (Your further assessment and ongoing antenatal management would be greatly appreciated.) If you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

• جمله بسته‌شدن خیلی کوتاه و غیررسمیه — نمونه بهترش بالاست

Yours sincerely,
Dr. Jana Moudi

⚠️ تعداد کلمات بادی نامه حدود ۲۵۰+ کلمه است — بیش از حد مجاز تسک (۱۸۰–۲۰۰ کلمه). اطلاعات غیرضروری (ICU، منیزیم، وزن نوزاد، NICU، جزئیات معاینه، اسمیر، نبود داروی منظم) باید حذف شوند تا نامه در محدوده مجاز بماند.

• Purpose: 3/3
• Content: 4/7
• Clarity & Conciseness: 3/7
• Genre & Style: 4/7
• Organisation & Layout: 4/7
• Language: 4/7

C+

Overall score: (340)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

طول نامه و اطلاعات غیرضروری

• نامه حدود ۲۵۰+ کلمه داره — تسک ۱۸۰–۲۰۰ کلمه می‌خواد؛ باید کوتاه‌تر بشه
• جزئیات بارداری اول (ICU ۳ روز، منیزیم سولفات، وزن ۲.۱ کیلو، NICU ۲ هفته) همه باید حذف بشن
• جزئیات معاینه (شکم نرم، فوندوس، BP 120/80) برای متخصص زنان در این نامه لازم نیست
• اسمیر منفی ۲۰۱۶ و نبود داروی منظم غیرضروری‌اند — حذف

اشتباهات بالینی و اصطلاحات پزشکی

• ❌ factor 7 Leiden → ✅ Factor V Leiden — V حرف رومی است نه عدد ۷، اشتباه بالینی جدی
• ❌ full time → ✅ full term
• ❌ nitrate → ✅ nitrites
• ❌ role out → ✅ rule out
• ❌ painful urination → ✅ dysuria (اصطلاح پزشکی مناسب)

گرامر و انتخاب کلمات

• ❌ admitted in ICU → ✅ admitted to ICU
• ❌ delivered by caesarean → ✅ underwent a caesarean section
• ❌ in 26 June → ✅ on 26 June
• ❌ a long with → ✅ along with (یک کلمه)
• ❌ in her two previous pregnancies → ✅ during both previous pregnancies
• فولیک اسید تا هفته ۱۲ باید ذکر بشه — اطلاعات مهمی که حذف شده بود

سبک رسمی پزشکی

• ❌ needs → ✅ requires (در نامه رسمی)
• ❌ also, she was advised → ✅ she was also counselled
• ❌ I appreciate your assessment → ✅ Your further assessment and ongoing management would be greatly appreciated
• دلیل تجویز تینزاپارین (Factor V Leiden + سابقه خانوادگی ترومبوز) باید واضح‌تر بیاد

[Siavash Zare]

 

خطاپیشنهادبازنویسیمحتوای اضافی

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dr. Midori Yabe
Psychiatrist
48Wickham (48 Wickham) Tce
Spring Hill
QLD 4432

• ❌ 48Wickham → ✅ 48 Wickham

21 February 2020

Dear Dr. Yabe
Re: Ms. Sally Webster
D.O.B: 10 November 2003

I am writing to refer sally (Sally), a 16-year-old high school student who was suspected of having anorexia nervosa due to her significant weight loss and reduced appetite. (whom I suspect is suffering from anorexia nervosa, for further psychiatric assessment.)

• «sally» اسم خاصه — همیشه بزرگ

• «was suspected of having» لحن گزارش پلیسیه — توی رفرال بنویس «I suspect she is suffering from»

• «for further psychiatric assessment» حتماً باید توی جمله اول بیاد — purpose نامه اینه

At her first appointment two months ago (on 27 December 2019), sally (Sally) presented with a three-month history of constipation, for which she has taken (had been taking) laxatives. Her weight was 54 kg and there was no significant finding in her physical examination. Therefore, she was encouraged to increase her fluid intake and dietary fiber (fibre) and vegetable consumption.

• مدت یبوست (۳ ماه) ذکر نشده — اطلاعات مهمیه

• ❌ has taken → ✅ had been taking (ویزیت گذشتس)

• ❌ fiber → ✅ fibre (املای استرالیایی)

At her second visit one week ago (on 15 February 2020), her mother complained of (expressed concern regarding) Sally’s weight loss and poor appetite. However, sally (Sally) believed that she was well and there was no cause for concern. Her weight had dropped to 48 kg and she had a pale appearance. Although, the remainder of (The remainder of her) physical examination and urinalysis were within normal limits. Blood tests, including thyroid and liver function tests and electrolyte levels, were requested.

• «complained of» برای مادر لحن خوبی نداره — «expressed concern regarding» بهتره

• وزن ۴۸ کیلو در این ویزیت ذکر نشده — کلیدیه

• «Although,» به‌عنوان جمله مستقل غلطه — حذف کن و «The remainder of her…» بنویس

Today, Sally was interviewed alone. She had poor eye contact and stated that her mother (parents) was overacting (were overreacting) about her weight loss. She believed that her appropriate (ideal) weight is (was) 40 kg, despite currently weighing 47 kg. She didn’t report (denied) any vomiting and was unclear (vague) about her use of laxative (laxatives). Her test (blood test) results were within normal limits.

• «mother» — کیس‌نوت «parents» داره، نه فقط مادر

• ❌ overacting → ✅ overreacting (غلط املایی — معنی کاملاً عوض میشه)

• ❌ appropriate → ✅ ideal (کلمه کیس‌نوته)

• ❌ didn’t report → ✅ denied (رجیستر پزشکی)

• ❌ unclear → ✅ vague (رجیستر پزشکی)

• فعل «is» → «was» — reported speech

• ❌ laxative → ✅ laxatives (جمع)

• وزن امروز (۴۷ کیلو) ذکر نشده — مهمه، بنویسش

I would appreciate your assessment and management of this patient. (. Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require further information.)

• جمله پایانی ناقصه — یه جمله تعارف استاندارد اضافه کن

Yours sincerely,
Doctor (Dr. [Name])

• «Doctor» به‌عنوان امضا نامناسبه — باید Dr. + اسم باشه

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organisation & Layout: 5/7

• Language: 4/7

B

Overall score: (380)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

گرامر و ساختار جملات

• reported speech رو جدی بگیر — «she believed her ideal weight is» باید بشه «was»

• «Although,» به‌عنوان جمله مستقل غلطه — یا ادغامش کن یا حذفش کن

• زمان فعل در ویزیت گذشته باید past باشه: «has taken» → «had been taking»

رجیستر و زبان پزشکی

• ❌ didn’t report → ✅ denied

• ❌ unclear → ✅ vague (regarding laxative use)

• ❌ complained of (برای مادر) → ✅ expressed concern regarding

• ❌ was suspected of having → ✅ I suspect she is suffering from

دقت در محتوا و اطلاعات کلیدی

• وزن بیمار در هر سه ویزیت (54، 48، 47 کیلو) باید حتماً بیاد — الگوی کاهش وزن مهم‌ترین دلیل ارجاعه

• مدت یبوست (۳ ماه) ذکر نشده

• «for further psychiatric assessment» رو توی جمله اول بیار

علائم نگارشی و نگارش

• اسم خاص (Sally) همیشه با حرف بزرگ — چند بار با حرف کوچیک نوشته شده

• ❌ fiber → ✅ fibre (OET استرالیاییه)

• ❌ overacting → ✅ overreacting (این غلط معنا رو کاملاً عوض می‌کنه)

• بعد از «Dear Dr. Yabe» کاما بذار

 

 

@Jana

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Emergency Registrar
Emergency Department
QE11 Hospital
249Wickham (249 Wickham) Tce
Brisbane 4001

• ❌ 249Wickham → ✅ 249 Wickham

30 September 2019

Dear Doctor (Dear Emergency Registrar,)

• خطاب باید «Dear Emergency Registrar» باشه — تسک صریحاً گفته

Re: Mr. Dave Cochrane
D.O.B: 20 November 2019 (1962)

• تاریخ تولد اشتباهه — کیس‌نوت رو چک کن

I am writing to refer Mr.Cochrane a 58 (Cochrane, a 56-year-old) retired patient who was diagnosed with heart failure (left ventricular failure). Urgent admission to your cardiology unit (Cardiology Unit) is required to stabilise his condition.

• سن اشتباهه — بیمار ۵۶ سالشه (متولد نوامبر ۱۹۶۲، نامه سپتامبر ۲۰۱۹)

• ❌ heart failure → ✅ left ventricular failure

• کامای بعد از Mr. Cochrane فراموش شده

• ❌ cardiology unit → ✅ Cardiology Unit

On his first visit, he complained of chest tightness, night cough and shortness of breath which was worse when lying down but improved with raising the head of the bed. Examination revealed dyspnea with a high jugular venues pressure, edema in both of his legs and the apex beat deviated laterally in the 6th intercostal space. On auscultation, basal lung crepitations was (were) detected.

• a high jugular venues pressure → پیشنهاد: elevated jugular venous pressure (venues هم تایپوئه)

• edema in both of his legs → پیشنهاد: bilateral ankle oedema

• crepitations جمعه — فعل were باشه نه was

Electrocardiography revealed cardiomegaly and the chest x-ray showed features of infection. 👍

He is a heavy smoker, consume (consuming) alcohol excessively and does not engage in regular physical activity. Although there is not any significant medical and family history of cardiac disease.

• he is a smoker, consuming… — فعل باید هماهنگ با subject باشه

• جمله‌ی آخر (سابقه خانوادگی) الزامی نیست — اگر میاد مختصرتر باشه بهتره

Based on the above findings, a diagnosis of heart failure was made and started on furosemide, digoxin and antibiotics as well as advised to stop smoking and drinking. (He was diagnosed with left ventricular failure and commenced on furosemide 40 mg/day, digoxin 0.25 mg/day and a broad-spectrum antibiotic for seven days. He was also advised to cease smoking and reduce his alcohol intake.)

• passive بد شکل گرفته — subject مشخص نیست: «a diagnosis was made and started on»

• دوز داروها رو ذکر کن — برای رجیستر اورژانس مهمه

• ❌ heart failure → ✅ left ventricular failure

• ❌ started on → ✅ commenced on

On review two weeks later, his condition had partially improved. Therefore he (, he) was advised to continue his medication and rest for one week. 👍

• بعد از Therefore کاما بیاد

Today, Mr.Cochrane presented to me with deteriorating his signs and symptoms of heart failure and significant anxiety which started two hours later. (Cochrane re-presented with severe shortness of breath, chest pain and diaphoresis of two hours duration, accompanied by significant anxiety. On examination, elevated JVP, bilateral ankle oedema and bilateral basal crepitations were noted. His blood pressure was 120/60 mmHg with a pulse rate of 66 bpm.)

• ❌ deteriorating his signs → ✅ worsening signs (deteriorate اینجا intransitive هست)

• ❌ two hours later → ✅ two hours ago

• علائم مشخص (SOB شدید، chest pain، diaphoresis) باید بیاد — مهم‌ترین بخش نامه‌ست

• یافته‌های معاینه‌ی امروز (JVP بالا، ادم دوطرفه، کرپیتاسیون) جا افتاده — حتماً باید بیاد

• ❌ heart rate → ✅ pulse rate

I would appreciate your urgent assessment and management of this patient. If you require any further information please, (, please) do not hesitate to contact me.

• کاما بعد از «further information» بیاد، نه بعد از please

Yours sincerely,
Doctor (Dr. [Name])

• امضا فقط «Doctor» نباشه — Dr. [Name] بنویس

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organisation & Layout: 5/7

• Language: 3/7

C+

Overall score: (300)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

دقت در اطلاعات بالینی

• تشخیص دقیق «left ventricular failure» بنویس، نه فقط heart failure

• دوز داروها رو ذکر کن: furosemide 40 mg/day, digoxin 0.25 mg/day

• سن و تاریخ تولد رو از کیس‌نوت دقیق بخون — هر دو اینجا اشتباه بودن

محتوای وضعیت فعلی (مهم‌ترین پاراگراف نامه)

• علائم امروز رو صریح بنویس: severe SOB، chest pain، diaphoresis — با ذکر مدت ۲ ساعت

• یافته‌های معاینه‌ی امروز (JVP بالا، ادم دوطرفه، کرپیتاسیون) جا نیفته

• BP و PR رو با واحد بنویس: 120/60 mmHg، 66 bpm

گرامر و ساختار جملات

• مراقب subject-verb agreement باش: he is a smoker, consuming… (نه consume)

• passive voice رو درست بساز: he was commenced on (نه a diagnosis was made and started)

• deteriorate فعل intransitive هست — worsening symptoms بنویس نه deteriorating his symptoms

انتخاب کلمات و رجیستر

• ❌ started on → ✅ commenced on

• ❌ two hours later → ✅ two hours ago

• ❌ heart rate → ✅ pulse rate

@Jana

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Mrs Jane Macintyre, DOB: 01 March 1980

Dear Dr Childers,

 

I am writing to refer Mrs Macintyre, a 39-year-old pregnant mother who requires antenatal care and birth due to a history of severe pre-eclampsia, caesarean section, and her age.

 

• سعی کنید تا حدی بازنویسی کنید و عینا از کیس نوت کپی نکنید چون معولا کیس نوت خیلی خلاصه هست، اینطور نمره بهتری میدن مثلا:

• due to her history of severe pre-eclampsia, previous caesarean section, and her maternal age. 

 

Today, Mrs Macintyre presented with a complaint of three-day painful urination (dysuria) .She has (had) a positive home pregnancy test (,)which is (her) fifth pregnancy and her last menstrual period was on 26 June 2019. Upon examination,(her) vital signs were normal and she had some dysuria for the past three days (تکراری).Her urine dipstick showed +3 protein, +2 nitrites, +1 blood.

• with a three-day history of painful urination. 

• رایتینگ یکم طولانی هست از لحاظ تعداد كلمات هم از استاندارد بیشتره بنابراین هر جا تونستید خلاصه نویسی کنید. مثلا جمله آخر و اول پاراگراف بعد میتونه خلاصه بشه و نیازی نیست جزئیات آزمایش رو بیارید:

• Urine dipstick findings were suggestive of a UTI, for which cefalexin …

 

Based on her symptoms and test results,Mrs Macintyre is suspected (of having a) urinary tract infection (,)for which cefalexin 250mg QID for five-day was prescribed. In view of (her) pregnancy and thrombosis risk,folic acid and tinzaparine(3500 units daily) were ordered.Arrange routine antenatal blood test and re antenatal screening for Down’s syndrome (,)in view of her age(,) were also ordered.

• Routine antenatal blood tests and repeat antenatal screening for Down’s syndrome, in view of her age, were also arranged 

 

Please note, Mrs Macintyre has two children(aged 3 and 5) and (a history of) two miscarriages. She had developed severe pre-eclampsia just in (during) her first pregnancy and her (first?) delivery was caesarean section. She had (has) a family history of heterozygous for factor V Leiden (,)for which she was treated with prophylactic low molecular weight heparin in (during) two previous pregnancies.

 

I would appreciate it if you could urgently assess and manage this patient.

 

Should you need more information,please do not hesitate to contact me.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Dr.Atefeh Mohammadi

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

@989124149700

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Ms Anna Hall (45 years old) 

Dear Dr Roberts,

I am writing to request your further evaluation and definitive diagnosis of Ms Anna Hall whose features are consistent with a possible gastro oesophageal–reflux(GERD) and (a) subsequent stricture. 

Regarding her social and family history, she is an ex-smoker, overweight, long with coffee and alcohol drinker whose (,and her) father has a history of (a) peptic ulcer. On medical history (,) she had a history of dyspepsia in 2012 and takes infrequent aspirin (2-3 times/month). 

• she is an ex-smoker, overweight, long with coffee and alcohol drinker → ✅she is an ex-smoker and overweight, along with being a long-term coffee and alcohol consumer

• On medical history→ ✅in her medical history, in term of her medical history,…

• she had a history of dyspepsia in 2012 → ✅she was diagnosed with dyspepsia in 2012 / she has a history of dyspepsia (2012)

• در کل این پاراگراف دقیق نیست: بیمار 15 سال پیش سیگار رو ترک کرده، مصرف الکل فقط سوشال هست، و اخیرا مصرف قهوه رو زیاد کرده. این اطلاعات خیلی بهتر میتونست به شکل زیر بیاد:

• She quit smoking 15 years ago, consumes alcohol socially, and has recently increased her coffee intake.

On 18 June 2018, Miss (Ms: “keep titles consistent”) Hall presented with solid dysphagia following an upper respiratory tract infection(URTI) two months ago (earlier)(,) for which she took (takes) over the counter (OTC) product. She also reported experiencing 1-2 kg of weight loss and epigastric pain(,) which radiated to her back on (at) the level of T12. According to my preliminary diagnosis of GERD with considering recently increased coffee consumption she was advised to stop taking (the) OTC product and reduce alcohol and coffee consumption(,) and she was (also) commenced on pantoprazole. 

• over-the-counter Chinese herbal product with unknown ingredients

• ✅Reported weight loss and epigastric pain

I would appreciate it if you could assess Ms Hall further including endoscopy if indicated and provide your expert diagnosis. 

Yours sincerely,

Doctor

• پاراگراف سوم نسبت به دوم اولویت دارد، در مقدمه اشاره شده بیمار رو ارجاع دادید به خاطر GERD و در پاراگراف بعد بهتره بپردازید به این مشکل، هیستوری بیمار اهمیت پایین تری دارد.

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7 

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: ( “just” 350)

@9360045003

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr.Yabe

Re: Sally Webster, DOB: 10/Nov/2003

✅I am writing to refer Ms. Wester(,) a 17-year-old patient with a possible diagnosis of Anorexia nervosa(,) for further assessment. She is a high school student, plays violin for fun and she has a part time job as a ship assistant.

• بخش هایلایت شده قابل حذف است.

✅She first presented to me on (in) Dec (December) 2019 at my clinic with no past history of psychiatric disease (,)due to her constipation and bowel action every 4 to 5 days(,) which (for which) she tried laxatives for that. She has 54kg weight. She was advised to increase vegetable, fibers and fluid intake.

• no past history of psychiatric disease
  Cause–effect confused: این عبارت نباید وسط جمله میومد، بیمار مراجعه کرد + با این مشکل + این دارو. چون خواننده وسط جمله گیج میشه. بهتره اخر پاراگراف میومد یا کلا حذف بشه.

• She first presented to the clinic in December 2019 with a complaint of constipation and bowel actions occurring every 4 to 5 days, for which she had tried laxatives

• ❌ “She has 54kg weight.” → ✅ “She weighed 54 kg.”

 

✅After 2 months(,) she returned with her mother(,) who was concerned about her lack of appetite and weight loss. They had an argument about her eating habits, however she believed she feels well and there is nothing to worry about. She did not had (have) a good appetite. On examination she had (a) 6kg weight loss(48kg), she looked pale and thin. I performed (ordered) a blood test and urine analysis to investigate any possible underlying illness.

✅Today(,) she re-presented to me (the clinic) and she believes that she needs to loose another 7kg of her weight. She has (had: past) no eye contact (and) her emotions are (were) blunt. She denies vomiting and her claim about using laxatives is not reliable. All of (the) laboratory tests are in normal range. 

• اول پاراگراف ها بعد از timemaker ها باید کاما بیاد.

• are in normal range → ✅ “All laboratory tests are within the normal range.”

• در گزارش ویزیت امروز, همچنان از زمان گذشته استفاده کنید. بیمار ارتباط چشمی نداشت امروز و احساساتش رو بروز نمیداد.

I would appreciate your further assessment of this patient. Should you require more information, (please) do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely, Dr.Ehsan Sobhanian

Word Count: 210

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7 

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@user-309455

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr.Philip Wright

Re: Ms.Marcus, DOB: 15/01/1983

✅I am writing to refer Ms.Marcus, a 36-year-old single mother with a 7-year-old child and positive (a) family history of cancer in her father (colon cancer, aged 72). She has a multi-nodular goiter with the possibility of thyroid malignancy (possible thyroid malignancy), (.) therefore(,) your surgical assessment would be appreciated.

• 7-year-old child → irrelevant

✅Initially she presented on 06/Jul/2019, complaining of a neck swelling(,) which she noticed two months earlier. On examination(,) there was an anterior neck swelling measuring 2.2 cm(,) which was non-tender and moves with deglutition(,) without any palpable lymphadenopathy. An ultrasonography of (the) neck and TFTs were requested to assess her thyroid.

• Correct date format: 06/07/2019,

✅Two weeks later she came in (attended/returned) for her test results follow-up. The TFTs were normal,(; or .) however (,) the ultrasonography reported (revealed/showed) multiple nodules and bilateral thyroid calcification. She was advised to (to have/ to undergo) (a) surgical review for possible thyroid malignancy, but she declined any surgical intervention.

• Came in: a bit informal

✅Today she re-presented with an increased size of swelling. (,) Difficult swallowing (swallowing difficulty) for the last 3 weeks and hoarseness of voice since last week has been developed. On examination(,) (the)thyroid size has been increased (was increased: passive) significantly. Thyroid is firm with limited mobility and there are palpable enlarged lymph nodes on the right side of (the) neck.

• an increased size of swelling: وقتی an به کار میره پس باید بعدش اسم بیاد یعنی: an increase in the size of swelling

• She has now agreed to undergo surgical intervention

I appreciate your further assessment on (of) this patient. Should you need (require) more information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Dr.Ehsan Sobhanian

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

@user-309455

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Endocrine Surgeon

Re: Ms.Marcus, DOB: 15/01/1983

I am writing to refer Ms. Marcus(,) a 43-year-old woman with M(m)ulti-modular goiter for examination of possible thyroid malignancy and surgical consideration.

• → ✅ “and consideration of surgical management.”

She is a single woman with a 7-year-old child with a positive family history of malignancy. (Colon cancer in her mother aged 72). On 5/Jul/2019(,) she presented to me at my general practice with the (a) complain (complaint) of neck swelling since 2 months earlier. On examination(,) there was an anterior neck swelling with the size of 2.2 Cm. It was not tender (non-tender) in (on) palpation (and) was moveable (with) deglutition and no lymph nodes detected at that time. (paragraph break) 2 weeks later I requested a neck ultrasonography and thyroid function test(TFTs) with possible diagnosis of thyroid nodule to assessment of (to assess the) patient(‘s) condition. TFTs were normal and ultrasonography showed multiple nodules and the evidence of (with) bilateral calcification in her thyroid lobes. She was advised for surgical consul(?) for possible thyroid malignancy based on the diagnosis of Multi-nodular goiter, but she denied further follow-up. (she declined surgical intervention, not follow-up)

• جمله اول بهتر بود در مقدمه بیاد چون با ادامه پاراگراف ارتباطی نداره.

• عبارتهای هایلایت شده اضافی هستند.

• ❌ “ the complain” → ✅ “a complaint”

• چون شکایت بیمار شناسه نیست حرف اضافه باید a باشد. همچنین complain فعل است.

• ❌ “since 2 months earlier” → ✅“for the previous two months”

• ❌ “with the size of 2.2 Cm.”→ ✅““measuring 2.2 cm.”

• در جمله two weeks later… شما نوشتید که درخواست آزمایش دادید. در صورتی که آزمایشات در ویزیت اول بیمار انجام شده بود و بعد دو هفته که بیمار مجدد رجوع کرد نتایج آماده بود.

Eventually(,) she presented today with an increased (an increase in the) size of the swelling since last month (over the last month). Furthermore she got (had) difficulties swallowing and voice hoarseness for 3 weeks and 1 week respectively . She has enlarged thyroid in correlation with her first exam, her thyroid mass is firm with limited mobility and there are palpable and enlarged lymph nodes on right side of her neck. (اینها باید در پاراگراف ها همزمان با شرح ویزیت های بیمار میومد)

Rephrased: (linguistic only)
She developed dysphagia for three weeks and hoarseness of voice for one week. Compared to her initial examination, she has an enlarged thyroid. The thyroid mass is firm with limited mobility, and palpable, enlarged lymph nodes are present on the right side of her neck.

I would appreciate for your further assessment on this patient.

Should you need more information about this patient (please) do not hesitate to contact me

Yours sincerely

Dr.Ehsan Sobhanian

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 3/7

  C Overall score: (280)

1️⃣ اول فکر کن، بعد بنویس (Planning قبل از Writing)

❗ بزرگ‌ترین مشکل تو اینه که همه اطلاعات رو پشت‌سرهم می‌ریزی بدون اینکه مشخص باشه:

• کدوم مربوط به ویزیت اول است؟

• کدوم مربوط به follow-up؟

• کدوم symptom جدید است؟

✔️ تمرین پیشنهادی:

قبل از نوشتن، فقط 10 دقیقه فکر کن به تسک و برنامه زیری کن بعد:

• 3 تا bullet بنویس:

• Visit 1 → symptoms + exam

• Visit 2 → investigations + decision

• Current visit → progression + red flags

✳️ بعد نامه را دقیقاً طبق همین ترتیب بنویس و مجدد برام ارسال کن.

2️⃣ هر پاراگراف = یک بازه زمانی (Timeline discipline)

تو مدام این اشتباه را تکرار می‌کنی:

• علائم جدید را می‌بری داخل پاراگراف ویزیت قدیمی

• یافته‌های معاینه را جدا از زمانش می‌نویسی

✔️ قانون طلایی:

هر پاراگراف فقط یک ویزیت

اگر ویزیت جدید است:

Eventually / On her most recent visit / She re-presented today

علائم + معاینه همان روز

3️⃣ از عبارت‌های ترجمه‌ای فارسی استفاده نکن

این‌ها نمونه‌هایی از تفکر فارسی در متن تو هستند:

• ❌ got difficulties

• ❌ in correlation with

• ❌ with the size of

• ❌ denied follow-up

✔️ جایگزین‌های استاندارد OET:

• developed dysphagia

• compared to her previous examination

• measuring …

• declined surgical intervention

📌 این‌ها را باید حفظ کنی، نه اختراع!

📌 جملات اصطلاحا wordy هستند یعنی کلمات اضافه داخل جملات هست که چیزی اضافه نمیکنن مثل:

She was advised for surgical consultation for possible thyroid malignancy based on the diagnosis of Multi-nodular goiter

4️⃣ روی Collocationهای پزشکی تمرکز کن (نه گرامر عمومی)

مشکل تو بیشتر از grammar، medical collocation است.

• complaint ❌ complain

• non-tender ❌ not tender

• measuring 2.2 cm ❌ with the size of

• hoarseness of voice ❌ voice hoarseness

✔️ تمرین پیشنهادی:

• یک دفترچه داشته باش

• Heading: Medical Collocations

• هر رایتینگ → 10 collocation جدید اضافه کن

• هفته‌ای 2 بار فقط آن‌ها را مرور کن

5️⃣ جملات بلند = نمره کمتر

تو جملات را بیش از حد کش می‌دهی:

چند ایده + چند زمان + چند یافته = یک جمله

این مستقیماً نمره Clarity & Organization را پایین می‌آورد.

✔️ قانون ساده:

• اگر جمله‌ات بیشتر از 25 کلمه شد → بشکنش

• اگر 2 ویرگول داشت → بشکنش

6️⃣ Phraseهای آماده OET را حفظ کن

به‌جای ساختن جمله، از قالب‌های امن استفاده کن:

🔹 Introduction

• I am writing to refer …

• I am seeking your assessment regarding …

🔹 History

• She initially presented with …

• Two weeks later, she re-presented …

🔹 Closing

• I would appreciate your assessment and advice regarding …

• Should you require further information …

📌 این‌ها band-safe هستند.

7️⃣ بازنویسی فعال (Active Rewriting) انجام بده

فقط دیدن اصلاحات کافی نیست.

✔️ تمرین طلایی:

• نسخه اصلاح‌شده را بخوان  و همچنین رایتینگ های دیگر زبان آموزان مربوط به این رایتیگ در لینک زیر گذاشتم. بخون و ایرادات رو ببین و مقایسه کن 👍

https://oetbook.ir/?s=Marcus&bp_search=1&view=content

لطفا این رایتینگ رو دوباره بنویسید و ارسال کنید😊

@user-309455

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

RE:Sally Webster (DOB:10.11.2003) 
Dear Dr Yabe, 

I am writing to request your further evaluation and assessment of Sally Webster, whose features are consistent with probable anorexia nervosa. 

• “evaluation” و “assessment” تقریباً هم‌معنی‌اند

Initially, on 17.12.2019, she presented with a complaint of constipation with firm about bowel actions 4-5 days, which had been present for 3 months (for the last three months). She consumed (consumes) 2 tablespoons of bran every morning and had tried taking laxatives. On examination, her findings were unremarkable. I advised her to increase vegetables’ fiber and fluid intake (in her diet).

• Correct date format: 17/12/2019

• →  “constipation with firm bowel motions”

• 4-5 days >> گنگ >>every 4–5 days

• examination findings were unremarkable

Six weeks later, she attended (again) with her mother(,) who was concerned about her weight loss and lack of appetite. She has been having fights with her mother due to her involvement with her diet(این جمله ضروری نبود). Her examination, apart from 6 kg of weight loss and pale skin, was remarkable. 

On review today, she was distant and avoided eye contact. She believes her ideal weight is 40 kg. She denies vomiting and is vague about laxative use. Examinations was (were) unremarkable and investigations revealed no abnormalities. My provisional diagnosis is anorexia nervosa(.) Because of that (In view of this:formal), I consider (that) psychiatric evaluation is necessary.

Regarding her social history, her father has died (died/passed away) 3 years ago and(.) (she) lives with her mother and sister,(and) has a part-time job and is a student. این جمله خیلی طولانی شده 

I would appreciate it if you could assess Sally. Should you require more information, don’t hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely
Aynaz Behnoud MD

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 3/7

  B Overall score: (350) با ارفاق

@aynaz-behnoud

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Wright, 
Re:Ms Sandra Marcus

DOB:15 Jan 1983

✅I am writing to refer Ms Marcus, a 33-year-old woman, for assessment regarding a possible thyroid malignancy.

✅Ms Marcus presented on 05 Jul 2019, with a painless neck (,) that she had noticed for the past two months, (measuring) approximately the size of an olive🚩. On examination, a non- tender thyroid nodule was palpated, which moved with deglutition. 

• ❌ “with a painless neck” → Meaning unclear (swelling/lump?) گردن بی‌درد؟

• 🚩Not technically incorrect but…“approximately the size of an olive” is a noun phrase. 

• (در نوشتار رسمی) میکس noun phrase و relative clause در صورتی صحیح است که ابتدا noun phrase آورده بشه:

• …a painless neck swelling, approximately the size of an olive, which she had noticed for the past two months.

• یا …a painless neck swelling, which she had noticed for the past two months, measuring approximately the size of an olive.

✅At Ms Marcus’ (Marcus’s) follow-up appointment two weeks later, her ultrasound results revealed multiple nodules and calcifications on both lobes of the thyroid gland. At the time, she was reluctant to undergo surgical intervention. 

• Provisional diagnosis? Multi-nodular goitre

• TFTs normal

✅Ms Marcus presented again today with (a) progressive increase in size of the neck swelling since over the past month, associated with dysphagia for 3 weeks and hoarseness of voice for one week. On examination the nodule has (had) increased in size, demonstrated limited mobility(,) and right-sided cervical lymphadenopathy were (was) detected. She has now agreed to proceed with surgical intervention. 

• “progressive increase” is treated as a countable noun here.

• ❌”since over the past month” → “over the past month”

• “hoarseness of voice” → simpler: “hoarseness”

✅I would be grateful if you could assess Ms Marcus for possible thyroid malignancy and advise on further management. 

If you require further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely, 

Doctor

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7 (provisional diagnosis / neck swelling was not mention/ TFTs normal)

• Clarity & consciousness: 6/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (400)

@user-961619

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Emergency Registrar,
Re: Mr. Dave Cochrane, DOB: 20/11/1962 

Thank you for seeing Mr. Cochrane, a retired gentleman for urgent admission to the cardiology unit, for stabilization of current cardiac failure. (his acute left ventricular failure)

• عبارت current cardiac failure قابل درک است اما دقیق نیست. در نامه‌های اورژانسی به خصوص، وضعیت بیمار واضح و دقیق ذکر شود و سعی نکنید اطلاعات پزشکی را rephrase کنید.

Mr. Cochrane presents (presented) today with severe shortness of breath, chest pain and sweating since two hours prior (prior to presentation). On examination, his jugular venous pressure is (was) high and he has (had) bilateral ankle edema. His apex beat is (was located) in the sixth intercostal lateral mid clavicular line. His vital signs are stable, although crepitations are heard in both lung bases.

• شما در این پاراگراف از حال ساده استفاده کردید که اشتباه است. دقت کنید حتی اگر امروز بیمار رو ویزیت کردید باز هم گذشته و تمام شده و از زمان گذشته فعل باید بهره بگیرید.

❌ “His apex beat is in the sixth intercostal lateral mid clavicular line.”  → ✅ “His apex beat is located at the sixth intercostal space, lateral to the mid-clavicular line.”

Mr Cochrane first presented on 12/09/2019 with similar symptoms of shortness of breath and also coughing (cough) and was diagnosed with left ventricular failure. He was started on broad-spectrum antibiotics for a week, in addition to Frusemide 40mg/day and Digoxin 0.25 mg/day. 

On (the) follow-up visit two weeks later, his general health had improved, although his examination revealed mild residual ankle edema and a few lung crepitations. 

I would be grateful for your expertise in caring for Mr. Cochrane and (for) admitting him to the cardiology unit for stabilization of (his) left ventricular failure. 

If you have any further queries, please don’t hesitate to contact me. 

Sincerely yours
Doctor

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@user-961619

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear: doctor Janie McArdle

Re:Sir or Madam  DOB:12/march/1986

Thank you for seeing one of my patient, a 36(32)-year-old married man who has a history of high blood pressure (hypertension) and requires your ongoing care due to (following) his previous open-chest surgery according to (for) his aortic valve impairment.

• ❌ “one of my patient” → ✅ “one of my patients” (plural required).

Initially(,) on 31/MAR/2019, he presented with features of severe chest pain concomitant with (and) back pain which(,) were suggestive of an acute pulmonary oedema. He underwent on (a) CT scan which(,) revealed (a) severe (severely) dilated ascending aorta associated with type-A dissection ,and (.) an Echocardiogram also revealed aortic valve incompetence(,) which resulted in (an) aortic root replacement and dissection repairment (repair) surgery.

• ❌ “31/MAR/2019,” → ✅ “31/03/2019,”

• اضافه‌گویی + پیوند‌های نامناسب. جمله جایگزین زیر را بخوانید و مقایسه کنید:

• ✅ He presented with severe chest pain and back pain suggestive of acute pulmonary oedema.

• زمانی از features of استفاده میکنید که در ادامه یک بیماری/condition باشد نه symptom. مثلا:

• ✅He presented with chest pain and back pain, which are features of acute pulmonary oedema

• ✅✅✅He presented with features of acute pulmonary oedema

On today’s visit, (today) the patient has been (was) discharged due to (after) his steady progress on (in) recovery and stabilized blood pressure. His medication reconciliation has been done and some courses of anti-biotics (antibiotics) and painkillers (analgesics) along with anti high blood pressure medication (antihypertensive) were prescribed. He also was (was also) commenced on warfarin therapy accompanied by (with) INR monitoring and has been scheduled for cardiac outpatients appointment and some course on rehabilitation physiotherapy. He also advised on smoking cessation and weight loss.

• بیمار امروز مرخص میشود و نیازی به استفاده از واژه visit نیست

• فعل discharge برای بیمار به شکل passive استفاده می شود و گذشته ساده یا به شکل زیر:

• He is due to be discharged today….

• اضافه‌گویی + پیوند‌های نامناسب

In view of (the) above, your follow up care is highly appreciated regarding his routine wound care and monitoring his blood pressure and pain management.

Please note, The patient is a smoker and has a strong family history of aortic aneurysm in his father.

Your sincerely

doctor

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@9360045003

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Booker, 

Re: Mr Darren Walker (D.O.Β: 05/07/1972) 

Thank you for seeing Mr Walker, a 40-year-old a married smoker man, who is (was/has been) diagnosed with hypertension and has a family history of prostate cancer in his father. He is currently complaining of difficulty in passing water and requires your expert management.

• “smoker man” → smoker / man هر دو اسم را با هم نیارید و فقط یکی استفاده بشه

• avoid informal “passing water.” →”passing urine”

• فشار خون بهتر بود در پاراگراف های آخر بیاد نه در مقدمه که هدف اصلی بررسی prostate cancer هست.

Last month(,) Mr Walker presented to me for a routine check-up. His blood pressure was high (165/90) and his weight was 85(,) which was higher than normal for his height. For controlling (to control/manage) the risk factors of the blood pressure(,) he was advised to reduce his weight and try to stop smoking.

•  higher than normal → above the normal range

• he was advised to lose weight and to stop smoking

• استفاده از “کاما”

In one month review, Mr Walker’s blood pressure is (has) improved (145/80) by reducing his weight and decreasing the number of cigarettes per day (from 20 to 10 per day). Although he has been experiencing difficulty in urinating. His recent test result(s) shows a high PSA (10) associated (with) a digital rectal examination which is suggesting an enlargement of (the) prostate.

• ❌ “In one month review,” → ✅ “At his one-month review,”

• Although → برای ترکیب دو جمله در تضاد استفاده میشود اینجا فقط یک عبارت  وابسته دارید

• Something Associated with something

• عبارت associated with یعنی مرتبط بودن. اینجا شما دو جمله خبری دارید که باید بینشون and بیاد و هیچ کدام در ارتباط یا در نتیجه دیگری نیست.

• ✅ “His recent test results show an elevated PSA level (10 ng/mL), and a digital rectal examination suggests prostate enlargement.”

• Test results: همیشه جمع میاد حتی اگر یک آزمایش باشه

In view of the above, I believe he needs (requires) further assessment such as (including) a prostate biopsy. It would be appreciated if you would inform me about Mr walker’s condition and treatments.

• Need , such as , … are informal words in medical writing

• Treatment is uncountable here

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely, 

Doctor 

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[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Smith
RE:Mrs Priya Sharma,DOB:08/05/1958

Word count: 167 words

I am referring Mrs Sharma, a 60-year-old retired diabetic woman who is concerned about her glucose level control.

Mrs Sharma has a strong family history for (of) diabetes, and she also has been (is) a known case of type 2 diabetes, on (for which she takes) Metformin 500mg, and Glipzid (Gliclazide) 10 mg daily. Her (other) past medical history is otherwise unremarkable.

• Has been → is : از حال ساده برای بیان فکت استفاده کنید

In January and February of this year, I visited her (she presented) in (on) four different occasions, (.) despite adding Candesartan, her blood glucose level wasn’t (was not) properly controlled. Furthermore, I have prescribed (prescribed)  Atorvastatin 20mg daily due to her high level of Cholesterol.

•  شما بیمار رو ویزیت نکردید بلکه بیمار به شما مراجعه کرده، برخلاف معنای فارسی ویزیت کردن در انگلیسی یعنی شما رفتید بیمار رو دیدید.

Today, she had a BP:155/100, and her BMI was 24. Her last eye check (examination) was two years ago that was normal.

• “She has a BP:155/100” → “her blood pressure was 155/100 mmHg”

Given the above, your expert opinion and management of her blood glucose, (no comma needed) would be appreciated. Please don’t (do not) hesitate to contact me if you require any further information.

Yours sincerely
Dr Ghanbarzadeh
GP 

این رایتینگ خیلی خلاصه شده و یک سری اطلاعات بیمار نیومده. حجم رایتینگ باید 180 تا 200 کلمه باشه. چند مورد مهم وجود داشت که باید به آنها توجه می‌کردید و جا افتاده بودند:

• تاریخ تشخیص دقیق دیابت بیمار (1999) را ذکر نکردی.

• توضیح ندادی که بیمار از قبل در خانه فشار خون و قند خود را کنترل می‌کرد.

• نتایج آزمایشگاهی مهم مثل HbA1c، GFR و کلسترول قبل و بعد از درمان را نیاوردی.

• تغییرات سطح قند خانگی و تفاوت بین fasting و non-fasting مشخص نبود.

• دلیل دقیق ارجاع (فستینگ بالا و کنترل ناقص قند با داروهای فعلی) به طور واضح گفته نشده بود.

مورد دیگه عدم رعایت اصل فرمال نویسی هست. بعضی جملات ساختار ناقصی دارند مثل:

• “She has a BP:155/100” → “her blood pressure was 155/100 mmHg” 

• “on Metformin 500mg, and Glipzid 10 mg daily” → “for which she takes Metformin 500 mg and Gliclazide 10 mg daily”

• همچنین استفاده از فرم خلاصه مثل don’t , wasn’t

لطفا جلسات گرامر و رایتینگ با دقت بیشتری مطالعه شوند

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