[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear District Nurse, 

Re:Bill O’Riley , DOB:12 January 1960 

✅I am writing to request ongoing care for Mr O’Riley, a 59-year-old single man who was admitted to Spirit Hospital (,)Brisbane on September 2 and underwent a coronary artery bi-pass (bypass) graft surgery(,) following obstructive coronary artery disease. He is due to be discharged tomorrow. 

✅Mr O’Riley has been under our care in the Coronary Care Unit since his surgery on September 4(,) and his recovery has been progressive (promising ) with notable improvements in walking and surgical wound healing. (in his mobility and wound healing)

• واژه progressive بیشتر برای بیماری‌های بدترشونده استفاده می‌شود (progressive disease, progressive deterioration).

✅During hospitalization, a rehabilitation exercise program has been commenced (was commenced/initiated) by a local physiotherapist. However, he is reluctant to cooperate. His medical history is significant for hypertension, which is well managed by metoprolol. He is a heavy smoker and drinker(,) and has been advised to cease smoking and reduce alcohol consumption. Although he has been counseled to follow a low-fat, low-cholesterol diet, he insists on eating frozen and unhealthy meals.✅Nice

✅Following discharge, he is scheduled for a follow-up visit to Dr Jensen, the local GP, on September 15. Given his history of non-compliance, I would appreciate it if you could monitor his adherence to (the/his) exercise and dietary regime (regimen) (,)as well as (the/his) smoking cessation and alcohol consumption. Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely,

 Charge Nurse

✨Fantastic✨

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

 

@reyhan

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director

Re:Vamuya Obeki,aged 4 

I am writing to request a follow-up care for Vamuya, a 4-year-old patient who was admitted to Children’s Emergency department with diagnosis of acute meningoencephalitis due to a complication following of mumps 10 days ago.

• no article “a” before “follow-up care”

• Following mumps – remove unnecessary “of”

The patient is the first  child of a family of 4 (,) which includes his parents and an (a) younger brother. They are the refugee (refugees) from Sudan who arrived in Australia this year. Vamuya’s father is able to understand spoken English well ,but his writing ability is limited.Her (his) mother has a basic understanding of spoken English. Therefore,they require an interpreter.

She (he) has fully recovered from mumps and meningoencephalitis,and  is due to be discharged today. Please note,her (his) parents report(ed) that their children’s vaccination(s) is (are) not  up to date. They received just (only) a few routine vaccines at birth whose (,but) record has been lost. The parents have had no  information regarding  Mumps vaccination.

In terms of the above,I would appreciate it if you could schedule a neurological follow-up and  arrange an interpreter as well as provide (providing) advice  for (to) his parents on recommended vaccines. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any  further information. (have question / require information)

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (390)

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Consultant 
Re: Ms Patricia Styles, Age 62 

✅I am writing to refer Ms Styles, a 62-year-old widowed patient, who was discharged from Green Valley Hospital 5 days ago following the diagnosis of pericarditis. 

• ✅a 62-year-old widow

✅One week ago, Ms Styles presented at Green Valley Hospital with fever, pleuritic chest pain, general weakness, malaise, and tachycardia. She was diagnosed with pericarditis following (based on) an echocardiogram. Additionally, she was diagnosed with viral influenza type B by (confirmed by) a throat swab. Her examination revealed inflammation and her Chest X-ray was normal. She was discharged on 25 Aug 2019 after being administered IV saline and Ibuprofen. 

❌According to today’s observations (where? Nurse Home Visit?), Ms Styles is experiencing fatigue, chest pain, shortness of breath, and is frustrated with the progress (slow progress) of (her) recovery. She adheres to her medications and self-care at home. However, she did not reach any improvements regarding possible relapse or complications of pericarditis, her vital signs are normal. 

• ❌ “According to today’s observations” → “On today’s home visit”

• ❌ “However, she did not reach any improvements regarding possible relapse or complications of pericarditis,” → ✅ “However, there has been no improvement, and I suspect a relapse of pericarditis with complications

• پرستار مشکوک به عود/بازگشت پریکاردیت همراه با عوارض است و برای همین شما دارید این نامه رو مینویسید و این خیلی مهم بود که متاسفانه شما به درستی بیانش نکردید. منظور جمله شما این است که هیچ علامت جدیدی مبنی بر عود یا عوارض پیدا نشده، وگیج‌کننده است.

• همچنین اشاره ای نکردید که شما در واقع home visit رفتید و در متن مشخص نیست بیمار الان کجاست.

✅Ms Styles has a history of Hypertension, Diabetes mellitus Type 2, and Depression, which are generally well-managed. She has been prescribed Quinapril oral 40mg/2xday, Metformin oral 500mg/2xday, and Gliclazide oral 30mg daily. 

• این داروها رو از قبل میگرفته و بهتره از فعل take استفاده کنیم تا بگیم تجویز شده.

Please arrange an urgent hospital transfer to Newtown Hospital for Ms Styles and provide urgent assessment and management regarding (for) pericarditis. 

• ❌ “urgent hospital transfer” → ✅ “urgent transfer to NewTown Hospital”

Yours sincerely 

Nurse

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 5/7

  C+ Overall score: (330)

 

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director

Re:Ms Bronwyn Green,aged 68

✅I am writing to refer this patient, a 68-year-old widow who was admitted three weeks ago with (a) diagnosis of  low-grade adenocarcinoma.

❌She underwent a right-side hemicolectomy on 20/01/2019. Post-surgery care was provided in the ICU. Due to (following) a five-hour anaesthesia, she sustained (developed) respiratory and metabolic acidosis. During hospitalization in this ward, she was on oxygen therapy with oxygen saturation of 98%. Due to experiencing short (shortness) of breath during mobility, she was required to assist with the walking. After five days,Ms Green was transformed (transferred)  to the rehabilitation ward for ongoing care, and  has been in this ward until today. Over this period,her condition has been promising. Her dependency to (on) oxygen therapy has decreased. The wound-healing process has been  satisfactory. Currently, the patient’s mood and appetite is (are) good. Her mobility has made a steady progress, and she requires using a single point stick .Due to urinary incontinence, she is required to wear a  pull up pad.

• Sustain:  یعنی “تحمل کردن” یا “حفظ کردن”

• ببینید رایتینگ شما 260 کلمه است که بیشتر از حد معموله… که نشون میده اطلاعاتی در متن اومده که اضافی است. این اطلاعات رو بنده با رنگ قرمز هایلایت کردم. دقت کنید که هدف نامه اینه که پرستار بعدی بدونه باید برای بیمار چیکار کنه. و مواردی مثل آنچه در بخش icu گذشت اهمیتی ندارد و نباید در نامه آورده میشدند.

• ❌ “she was required to assist with the walking.” → ✅ “she required assistance with walking.”

• ❌ Depend to → ✅ depend on

• ❌ “a steady progress,” → ✅ “steady progress,” (remove article “a”).

• ❌ “and she requires using a single point stick.” → ✅ “however she requires the use of a single-point stick.”

✅Regarding her medical and social history, she has been suffering from hypertension, COPD, anxiety and depression, for which takes several medications. The patient has a history of smoking although she has  stopped that recently.

She is due to be discharged tomorrow. Please note, wound-dressing (wound dressing) must be changed every three days. Her anxiety and oxygen therapy need to be monitored. The patient is able to  be self-medicate. At the time of discharge, Ms Green will be accompanied by her sister.

I would appreciate it if you could take over this patient’s care. Please do not hesitate (to contact me?) if you have any further questions.

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (350)

 

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Ponsford

Re: Mr Lionel Ramamurthy, Aged 63

✅I am writing regarding Mr Ramamurthy, who was admitted on 04 February 2019 with a diagnosis of Pneumonia, and he will return to your care upon his discharge tomorrow.

• ❌ “Pneumonia” → ✅ “pneumonia”

✅Mr Ramamurthy was presented (presented:active) with acute dyspnoea associated with wheezing, fever, and sleeplessness. He reported chest and abdominal pain following a persistent cough. He also felt weak and required a walking frame for his daily activities.

• ❌ “felt weak” → ✅ “experienced weakness” more formal

✅After a week of hospitalization, Mr Ramamurthy has made good progress overall. His inflammatory markers (have returned) returned to normal. He is now afebrile and able to perform his personal hygiene and (daily) activities more independently. He has been encouraged to ambulate regularly and perform breathing and coughing exercises to relieve his signs of dry cough and chest pain.

✅Kindly administer Paracetamol for Mr Ramamurthy’s chest and abdominal pain, if needed (required). Please keep him warm and continue monitoring his diet to maintain a good nutritional status by taking adequate fluids and healthy foods, (and) to help him gain weight. Additionally, ensure that his postural drainage is performed while sitting, rather than lying down. Kindly arrange a check-up for his poor eyesight regarding a cataract operation 16 months ago.

Rephrased: Kindly arrange an eyesight check-up, as he continues to experience poor eyesight following cataract surgery 16 months ago

Please do not hesitate to contact me for any further queries.

Yours Sincerely,

Charge Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Sir Hudson

Re:Alice Cooper,aged 10

I am writing to refer this patient, a 5 year student in (at) our school due to (the) possibility of psychological disorders following her father’s death.

• ❌ “5 year student” → ✅ “year 5 student”

Her father died due to an (a) motor accident 6 months ago. She is a (the) second child in  a family of three. Her sister is aged 12 and brother is aged 7.Her mother works as a bank manager.Alice has been experiencing eczema on  both her hands and she has had asthma,for which takes (uses) a  Ventolin inhaler. Her weight is above the normal limit (40 kg for a height of 138cm).

• قسمت هایلایت شده در متن اضافیست و نباید در این نامه آورده میشد.

• ❌ “eczema on both her hands” → ✅ “eczema on both hands”

• جمله ای که زیرش خط کشیده شده باید به زمان حال ساده بیاد چون شرح اکنون بیمار هست:

• Alice experiences eczema on both hands and has asthma.

Since missing her father, she has had a history of frequent absence from school .She has been experiencing intermittent signs and symptoms including eczema , headaches, stomachaches, toothaches  and nausea.

• ❌ “Since missing her father” → ✅ “Since the loss of her father”

• ✅ She has often been absent from school.👉 او اغلب از مدرسه غایب بوده است.

• جمله بالا ساده و واضح است. در جمله شما a history of جایگاهی نداره: بیمار یک سابقه غیبت از مدرسه داشته بوده است

• ❌ “signs and symptoms” → ✅ “symptoms”

  • 🔹 Signs (علائم بالینی) چیزهایی هستند که پزشک یا پرستار مشاهده می‌کند، نه بیمار. و همچنین مواردی که هست واقعا تجربیات بیمار نبوده و در واقع به اون دلایل از مدرسه غایب می شده (که اغلب بهانه بوده). پیشنهاد من:

• Since the loss of her father, she has had frequent absences from school. These absences have often been associated with complaints such as eczema, headaches, stomachaches, toothaches, and nausea.

Alice’s performance was good before her father’s death. Currently,she has a poor concentration in the class, and is reluctant with sports activities. She has few friends. Despite taking (using) an ointment on her hands,eczema hasn’t improved. Therefore, eczema and being overweight have caused her embarrassment and decreased her self-steem.

• ❌ “a poor concentration” → ✅ “poor concentration” (no article)

• فعل take معمولا برای داروی خوراکی هست. برای پماد، کرم، اسپری آسم و … از use استفاده کنید.

• ❌ “self-steem” → ✅ “self-esteem” (spelling correction)

Please note,her mother reports (that) Alice was very close to her father. She (who: mother or Alice?) is overeating no nutritional value food  like chips and cakes.she (who: mother or Alice?) is anxious regarding her daughter’s condition.

• ✅ “She is overeating foods with little nutritional value”

• ❌ “like chips and cakes” → ✅ “such as chips and cakes”: More formal

In view of the above, I believe that her signs and symptoms (are) suggestive of psychological disorders. I would appreciate (it) if you could assess her condition. please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

Word count: 260

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Ponsford

Re:  Mr Lionel Ramamurthy, Aged 63 

I am writing regarding Mr Ramamurthy, a 63-year-old widower who was admitted to our hospital on 04 February with a diagnosis of Pneumonia, and he will be back at (will return to) your retirement home upon his discharge tomorrow.

• ❌ “Pneumonia” → ✅ “pneumonia”

 Mr. Ramamurthy was admitted with acute shortness of breath associated with inspiratory and expiratory wheezing, fever, sleeplessness, and generalized aches. He reported chest and abdominal pain following a persistent cough and sleeplessness. He also felt weak and required a frame for his daily activities, experiencing increasing shortness of breath on exertion.

In terms of Mr Ramamurthy’s social and medical history, he experienced weight loss, associated with a poor diet due to his wife’s death. He was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes on 2007, which was controlled by diet, and Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease on 2018. He also suffers from  Osteoarthritis, which takes Voltaren.

• کل این پاراگراف باید حذف شود چرا که خانه سالمندان بیمار از این موارد آگاهی دارد.

During hospitalization, Mr Ramamurthy has made good progress overall. His fever and inflammatory markers returned to normal, and he was able to perform his personal hygiene and activities independently. He has been encouraged to take oral fluids and proper nutrition by a dietitian, which helped him gain weight, (نقطه) and he has also been encouraged to do breathing and coughing exercises due to his signs of dry cough and chest pain.

• ❌ “returned to normal” → ✅ “have returned to normal”

• ❌ “he was able” → ✅ “he is now able to…” وضعیت کنونی بیمار

• ✅ “encouraged by a dietitian to take oral fluids and maintain proper nutrition”ترتیب عبارات

• ❌ “which helped him gain weight” → ✅ “to help him gain weight” که کمک کنه وزن اضافه کنه

• ❌ “due to his signs of dry cough and chest pain” → ✅ “to relieve his dry cough and chest pain”

• عبارت due to یعنی در نتیجه چیزی و اینجا معنای درستی نمیده…

• جمله آخر از he has been encouraged شروع میشه تا پایان پاراگراف شامل 6 عبارت هست. نقطه بگذارید و مدام از and استفاده نکنید.

It would be appreciated to provide Paracetamol for Mr Ramamurthy when having chest or abdominal pain. Please keep him warm and monitor him to stay in a good nutritious condition by taking high fluids and healthy foods. In addition, to ensure his postural drainage, sitting is preferred rather than lying down. Kindly provide a check-up for his weak eyesight due to a cataract operation 16 months ago.

• ❌ “It would be appreciated to provide  Paracetamol” → ✅ “Kindly administer paracetamol” خلاصه و مفید

• ❌ “when having chest or abdominal pain” → ✅ “when he experiences chest or abdominal pain” فاعل در جمله شما گنگ است

• ❌ “to stay in a good nutritious condition” → ✅ “to ensure he maintains good nutritional status”

• ❌ “taking high fluids” → ✅ “taking adequate fluids”

• ❌ “provide a check-up for his weak eyesight due to a cataract operation” → ✅ “arrange a check-up for his poor eyesight following his cataract operation”

Please do not hesitate to contact me for any further queries.

Yours Sincerely

Charge Nurse

Word Count: 270: موارد هایلایت شده اضافی بود. و دقت کنید همچنین به دلیل اهمیت پایین اگر هم نیاز به نوشتن پاراگراف دوم بود باید آن را در آخر رایتینگ می آوردید.

• افعالی که باید یاد بگیرید استفاده کنید: maintain و relieve و ensure و arrange

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 4/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs. Marureen Martinson,

Re Mr.Kenneth  Phillips ,DOB ;05/05/1973

I am writing to request ongoing care this patient Mr. Phillips, a 46-year old builder, who was admitted to spirit hospital for underwent a bilateral lung transplant on 10/01/2019. 

• ❌ “ongoing care this patient” → ✅ “ongoing care for this patient/ ongoing care for Mr. Philips”

• ❌ “46-year old” → ✅ “46-year-old”

• ❌ “spirit hospital” → ✅ “Spirit Hospital”

• ❌ “for underwent” → ✅ “and underwent” یا “admitted for a bilateral…”

Mr. Phillips spent in ICU 10 days and transferred (was transferred) to (the) Thoracic ward under our care for three weeks. He has made good progress. He needs (requires) less oxygen and support, and now he is happy not to use the oxygen. At discharge, (the) patient is independent with (in) his hygiene and supervision (with minimal supervision) . He is on a low listeria diet and thin fluids. His appetite increased. (has increased)

• ❌ “spent in ICU 10 days” → ✅ “spent 10 days in the ICU”

• Capitalize hospital units. → ✅ “the Thoracic Ward”

• در جمله هایلایت شده گفتید بیمار در بخش thoracic تحت مراقبت شما بوده ک اشتباه هست و بیمار بعد از اون در بخش توانبخشی بستری شه و شما پرستار آن بخش هستید.

• بیمار هم اکنون به اکسیژن نیاز ندارد. در بالا یک بار اومده که به اکسیژن کمی نیاز دارد (زمان حال استفاده شده) و دقیقا جمله بعدی گفته نداره!

Regarding his medical history, Mr. Phillips has had an interstitial lung disease since 2012 which is taking a variety of medication. For full details, see the attached medication chart. 

• ❌ “an interstitial lung disease” → ✅ “interstitial lung disease” No article needed for diseases

• ❌ “which is taking a variety of medication” → ✅ “and has been taking a variety of medications” با توجه به since 2012

Mr. Phillips lives alone(,) but her (his) sister lives in the same area and supports him. He is on self-medication but requires supervision.A wound dressing is required every third day for a pressure ulcer on his coccyx and his oxygen use needs to be monitored.

If you require any further information, please do not to hesitate to contact me.

Yours   Sincerely,

Registered Nurse

سلام و درود
به نسبت رایتینگ قبلی از لحاظ محتوا و هدف گذاری بهتر بود کاملا. این که نمره content کم شده  به خاطر این بود که مثلا گفتید چند وقت توی icu بوده ولی نگفتید چقدر بخش thoracic بوده و بعد اون بخش rehab فراموش شده. همچنین نیاز به اکسیژن… این موارد با دقت و برنامه ریزی روی تسک قبل از شروع به نوشتن بهبود پیدا میکنه. اما……

بخش زبانی که نمره language و clarity (ساختار های درست جمله که معنا رو به درستی انتقال بدهند) نیاز به مطالعه زبان (حداقل چندین ماه) دارد. میتوان متصور شده که در اسپیکینگ هم احتمالا همین بخش زبانی نیاز به بهبود داره. بنابراین این توصیه بنده این هست که در کنار تمرینات OET، همزمان زبان عمومی به خصوص گرامر خود را تقویت کنید. دروس “کلینیک گرامر و لغات” در بخش دوره های من، را با دقت بیشتر و تحلیل و تمرین مجدد انجام دهید.
به امید موفقیت شما.

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

 

@9132180654

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear dietitian, 

Re: Ms Nina Sharman DOB: 09.02.1959 

I am writing to request your urgent assessment of Ms Nina Sharman’s circumstance (condition). Ms Sharman is a 61-year-old single patient who was admitted to the Dementia Specific Unit at Spirit Hospital due to severe dementia on 15.02.2020 following her condition , she refuses to wear her denture(s) and has been at risk of aspiration. 

• ❌ “circumstance” → ✅ “condition”

• در مورد جمله هایلایت شده: بیمار در بخش دیمنشیا این مرکز سالمندان زندگی میکنه و شما پرستار اون مرکز هستید. پس این جمله در مقدمه با تسک مغایرت داره. شما در واقع این نامه رو دارید مینویسید به متخصص تغذیه بیمارستان spirit و بیمار اصلا بستری نشده. همین نمره زیادی از رایتینگ شما کم میکنه.

During her hospitalization , she experienced an episode of choking on a piece of food that was likely not properly chewed . She suddenly turned blue and grabbed her throat with both hands and began coughing . Ultimately the obstructing food was removed and her vital signs returned to the normal range within one hour. 

• جمله هایلایت شده اضافی است و نباید آورده شود. دقت کنید رایتینگ OET خلاصه شرح بیمار است و نه آنچه گذشت…. تعداد کلمات رایتینگ شما 290 کلمه است که باید 180-200 تا باشد.

In terms of her medical history , Ms Sharman has been managing type 2 diabetes mellitus through diet . She also has been diagnosed with ischemic heart disease and osteoarthritis. Additionally she has been suffering from constipation for which she takes laxative as needed. Over the last 5 months , following her insatiable appetite , she has had a weight gain of approximately 10 kg.please note that her BMI is above the normal range indicating she is over weight.(BMI:30 Wt:106 kg) 

• ❌ “She also has been diagnosed” → ✅ “She has also been diagnosed”

• ❌ “laxative” → ✅ “laxatives” >> Plural form is standard.

Regarding of her current medication regime, she has been taking multiple medications. A detailed list of them is provided in the attached chart. She has no known allergies to medication or food. In terms of her social history , she has lost interest in daily activities . Her emotional dependence on the nursing staff has noticeably increased . (اضافی)

• ❌ “Regarding of” → ✅ “Regarding”

In view of the above , I would appreciate it if you could conduct a comprehensive assessment of her swallowing function and nutritional status to help improve her condition. 

Should you require further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely 

Registered nurse

عرض کنم خدمتتون که شما از نظر زبان مشکلی ندارید و ساختارهای زبانی تا حد زیادی رعایت شده؛ که همین خودش بخش عمده کار و بسیار ارزشمند هست. با این حال، در همین رایتینگ مشخص می‌شه که بعضی موارد نیاز به مرور دارن.

برای مثال، هدف‌گذاری در رایتینگ بسیار مهمه. هدف این نامه ارجاع بیمار به متخصص تغذیه بوده، چون بیمار دیمنشیا داره و confused disorientated هست؛ اما این نکته در متن ذکر نشده که بسیار ضروری بود. در مقابل، پرداختن به social history یا شرح جزئی اتفاقی که برای بیمار افتاده، عملاً به کار متخصص تغذیه نمیاد و کمکی به هدف نامه نمی‌کنه.

🔹 پیشنهادها:

1. یک روز رو فقط به مرور ویدیوهای کورس رایتینگ اختصاص بدید.

2. سمینار «هدف‌گذاری در رایتینگ» رو در بخش سمینارهای سایت حتماً ببینید.

3. نمونه رایتینگ‌های تصحیح‌شده سایت رو بررسی کنید تا نکات عملی بیشتری دستتون بیاد.

Word Count: 290

• Purpose: 1/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  C Overall score: (290)

 

@989229013707

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Emergency Department Consultant on Duty.

 Newton Hospital

100 Main Street

Newton

30 August 2019

Dear Consultant

Re: MS Patricia Styles, DOB: 27 April 1957.

I am writing to request your urgent assessment and management for Ms Styles, a 62-year-old widow who is transferred to Newtons Hospital due to possible relapsing (relapse) of pericarditis. She was admitted to Green Valley Hospital following pleuritic chest pain, malaise and tachycardia a week ago.

• ببینید شما دارید بیمار رو ارجاع میدید به بیمارستان Newtons بنابراین جمله هایلایت شده در متن باید حذف بشه چون این معنا را القا میکنه که بیمار هم اکنون داره پذیش میشه یا شده. اسم بیمارستان فقط در بخش آدرس نامه کافی هست. پیشنهاد جایگزین:

I am writing to request your urgent assessment and management of Ms Styles, a 62-year-old widow, due to a possible relapse of pericarditis. She was admitted to Green Valley Hospital one week ago with pleuritic chest pain, malaise, and tachycardia.

• ❌ “following pleuritic chest pain … a week ago” → ✅ “admitted … one week ago with pleuritic chest pain”

• عبارت دلیل باید اخر بیاد تا جمله خوانا تر بشه. همچنین بهتر بود این جمله در شروع پاراگراف بعدی بیاد. که مثلا " بیمار هفته پیش بستری شد، با این علائم و نتایج آزمایشات… ادامه در زیر"

The test results revealed she had pericarditis and viral influenza. She was discharged and the self-care of home was advised. On today’s home visits (visit), she is (was) suffering from (patient reported) chest pain, which alleviated with sitting position, and shortness of breath along with fatigue.

• ❌ “the self-care of home was advised” → ✅ “home self-care was advised”

• ❌ “which alleviated with sitting position” → ✅ “which was alleviated by sitting upright”

Her vital signs showed a mild fever (T: 31.8°C), a tachycardia and a tachypnea as well as (نقطه) her blood pressure was 125/78, which was lower than usual (BP: 140/90). Regarding her medical history, she has been experiencing (has) hypertension, diabetes mellitus.

• ❌ “a tachycardia and a tachypnea” → ✅ “tachycardia and tachypnea”

• ❌ “as well as her blood pressure was …” → ✅ “Her blood pressure was …”

• ❌ “she has been experiencing hypertension, diabetes mellitus” → ✅ “she has hypertension and diabetes mellitus”

• وقتی میخوای اشاره کنی فرد چه بیماری هایی از دارد از زمان حال ساده استفاده کن.

She takes Accupril, Diabex and Gliclazide respectively (نقطه)for more detail, please see the affected (attached) medical chart. She has also been suffering from depression since 2016. She is a non-smoker and drinks 1-2 glasses (of) wine per week. She has been compliant with her medication and monitoring of her blood glucose.

• زمانی respectively استفاده کنید که مثلا چند دارو رو میارید و بعدش دوز های دارو به ترتیب آورده میشه

If you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours faithfully

Nurse

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

  C Overall score: (300)

@989127349548

[Siavash Zare]

 Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear ; Mr Loretta Pasquale

Re; Mr George Chien, 54-year-old

Mr. Chien was admitted to hospital under our care on 10/01/2018. He has been suffering from swelling and fluid in his right knee, Following  swelling and pain (which) have severely limited his mobility.

• ❌ “to hospital” → ✅ “to the hospital” (article needed).

• ❌ “right Knee” → ✅ “right knee” (lowercase).

• ❌ “swelling and fluid” → ✅ “swelling and fluid built-up”

Regarding to (regarding) his medical history, Mr.Chien has a diagnosis  of osteoarthritis and underwent a total knee replacement last year.

During the hospitalisation, the patient’s condition is steady progress, swelling was treated by (with) ice pack and painkillers. The incision site healed well. However, the patient continued to experience a limited range of motion in the (his right) Knee.

• ❌ “condition is steady progress” → ✅ “condition showed steady progress”

The patient is now ready for discharge with the assistance of his family. He has (a) front-wheel chair.

If you require any further information , please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely,

Nurse BEHNAZ

Word Count: 120 words

• تعداد کم کلمات نشان می‌دهد که برخی اطلاعات مهم ذکر نشده است.

• مقدمه نامه به درستی نوشته نشده و در متن هیچ درخواستی به چشم نمی‌خورد. (نمره هدف 1 از 3 که به تنهایی 100 نمره کم شده)

• همچنین هدف نامه به‌طور واضح مشخص نیست. به عنوان مثال می‌توانستید چنین عبارتی اضافه کنید:

• “Kindly provide acute and comprehensive rehabilitation of Mr Chien’s right knee.”

لطفا جلسات کورس رایتینگ تماما مرور شوند. همچنین نمونه رایتینگ های دیگر زبان آموزان در بخش “رایتینگ های تصحیح شده” کمک شایانی خواهد کرد.

• Purpose: 1/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

  C Overall score: (260)

 

@9132180654

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs.Martinson,

Re:Mr.Kenneth Phillips,DOB:05/05/1973

I am writing to refer this patient, a 46-year-old widower , (no comma) who was admitted to the hospital on 10/01/2019 for undergoing (to undergo) (a) bilateral lung transplant. He has been suffering from an interstitial lung disease since 2012.

He underwent the pulmonary surgery, and post-operative treatment was performed (provided) in the ICU. After 10 days, he was transferred to the Thoracic ward. During hospitalization on (in) this ward, despite blood oxygen saturation of 99%, he was anxious and dependant to (on) oxygen therapy. Due to having (a) pressure ulcer, she (he) (was) required to use a pressure relief mattress. The patient’s  recovery was progressively. On 15/02/2019, for ongoing care he was transferred to the rehabilitation ward. process of wound healing was well. The patient was able to walk without experiencing of shortness of breath, but he required supervision for his mobility.

• ✅despite having an oxygen saturation of 99%, he remained anxious and…

• ❌ “she required to use” → ✅ “he required the use of a pressure…”

• ❌Progressive: یعنی پیش رونده → برای بیمار استفاده میشه

• ✅The patient’s recovery was promising = (بهبودی بیمار امیدوارکننده بود (نشانه‌های خوبی داشت

• ❌ “process of wound healing was well” → ✅ “wound-healing process was satisfactory”

• On 15/02/2019,for ongoing care he was transferred to the rehabilitation ward (for ongoing care)

• در این جمله ترتیب عبارات اشتباه. عبارت دلیل “for ongoing care” باید اخر بیاد. رجوع شود به “جلسه رایتینگ: ترتیب کلمات در جمله”

(At discharge,) Mr.Phillips is walking independently. His appetite also is well (good) ,and regimen diet is on low listeria and thin fluids. Unfortunately,due to urinary incontinence,he (is) required to wear (a) pull up pad. A wound dressing on his coccyx must be changed every 3 days. oxygen situation and  anxiety  need  to observed (monitored). He has been taking several medications, which were (are) recorded on his dossier, and (.) He is able to self medicate, but supervision is required. The patient lives alone ,but is supported by his sister who also lives in the same area.

•  اول پاراگراف رو به زمان حال با یک time marker تبدیل کنیم تا مشخص باشه که وضعیت بیمار در حال حاضر است.

• ❌ “his appetite also is well” → ✅ “His appetite is good” 

• ❌ “regimen diet is on low listeria and thin fluids” → ✅ “his diet consists of low-listeria foods and thin fluids” (grammar and clarity).

• آوردن Unfortunately اول جمله حس قضاوت رو القا میکنه. اینکه بیمار بی اختیار است یک مشکل پزشکی است و نباید با واژه “متاسفانه” همراه شود.

• Observe معمولا به معنی «مشاهده کردن» است، یعنی فقط نگاه کردن یا توجه کردن. فعل Monitor جایگزین بهتری است.

• جمله ها رو بیش از حد طولانی نکنید. و برای بیش از دو عبارت نقطه بگذارید و جمله جدید شروع کنید:

• He has been taking several medications, which are recorded in his dossier. He is able to self-medicate, but supervision is required

I appreciate grateful if you could take over his ongoing care for best treatment as you think. Please do not hesitate to call me  if you have any further questions.

❌ “I appreciate grateful” → ✅ “I would appreciate it if you..”

Yours Sincerely,

Nurse Nahid Soltani

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

 

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Parent

Re: Outbreak of threadworms

 

I am writing to provide education regarding the recent threadworms (no “s”) outbreak at the Toohey Hill Primary School.

• ❌ “education” → ✅ “information”

• ❌ “the Toohey Hill Primary School” → ✅ “Toohey Hill Primary School”

• وقتی نام معرفه میاد (Toohey) دیگه نیازی به the نیست.

 

Threadworms are commonly seen in children aged 5 to 14. Nevertheless, adults can be infected by the eggs spreading around as well. Therefore, it is essential to treat all the family members at the same time to reduce the risk of reinfection.

• ❌ “Nevertheless” → ✅ “However”

  • “Nevertheless” suggests contrast, but here it’s continuation of information. “However” or “also” is smoother.

•  “by the eggs spreading around” → “through the spread of eggs”

Significant itchiness sensation around the anus during the night is the most notable sign. Other ongoing difficulties with threadworms are sleep impairment including restlessness and teeth grinding while sleeping (during sleep), irritability, loss of appetite and slight (mild) stomach discomfort. Threadworms occasionally could cause urinary track (tract) infection. Fine pieces of the cotton thread up to 1.5 cm long could be visible on the outside surface of faeces. However, many affected people are asymptomatic.

• ❌ “Significant itchiness sensation” → ✅ “significant itching”

 

In terms of treatment, hygiene alongside the medication plays a significant role, including ( .This include..) keeping  the bathroom, toilet, bed-sheets and towels clean. Additionally, hand and nail hygiene, morning bath and frequent cloth changing are highly recommended.

 

Vermox or c(C)ombantrin-1 are available in pharmacies, requiring consultation prior to onset. Please note, these medications are not suitable for pregnant women and children under two years old.

• ❌ “requiring consultation prior to onset” → ✅ “consultation with a pharmacist is recommended before starting treatment”

  • “Onset” is not correct here; more natural phrasing given.

Please do not hesitate to contact me, if you require any further information.

 

Your sincerely

School Nurse

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  B Overall score: (370)

 

@noushin-norouzian-nezhad

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Sir/Madam,

 Re: Vamuya Obeki

I am writing to refer Vamuya, a four-year-old girl admitted (who was admitted) to (our) hospital with acute meningoencephalitis (following mumps مهم), who requires accurate follow-up after discharge.

• “Accurate” is not the natural collocation >> follow-up care

During hospitalization, Vamuya has made steady progress and did not reveal (develop) any significant issues. She is to be discharged today.

In terms of her social history, she and her family migrated from Sudan to Australia. They have never been seen by a GP. Her father, Abdullah, is employed as a shift worker and her mother, Miri, is a housewife. They have difficulty communicating with others as they don’t speak English.

It is worth noting that Abdullah attends English class and has limited skill in writing and listening. 

They have two children, Vamuya and a two-year-old son and they reported a poor vaccination history for children. Not only are they unaware of mumps vaccine, but they also do not have any documents to verify (previous) vaccination.

• “Poor vaccination history” is awkward; “incomplete”

• “They are not aware of the mumps vaccine”

❌Please ensure that, (no comma needed) they are advised on recommended vaccination for both children .

✅Please advise his parents on recommended vaccines for both children.

• عبارت please ensure they are advised یعنی مطمئن شوید که بهشون توصیه شده، در صورتی که باید به صورت درخواست بیاد یعنی:

• Please advise…

I would recommend scheduling a neurological check-up and arranging for an interpreter.

I would greatly appreciate it if you could give your utmost attention to provide appropriate healthcare services for this family.

Should you require further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 Yours sincerely

 Registered nurse

این رایتینگ در 9 پاراگراف کوتاه نگارش شده. در صورتی که میتونستید جملات مرتبط رو پشت هم بیارید و نیازی به پاراگراف جدید نبود. مثلا کل قسمت هایلایت شده درخواست های شما هست که باید در یک پاراگراف بیاد.

 

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 5/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

@989351456857

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Ms. Malia Manfred

Re: Ms. Nina Sharman, DOB: 09.02.1959 

✅I am writing to introduce Ms. Sharman, a 61-year-old single woman with dementia, who requires your urgent assessment for her swallowing function and her nutritional status due to a high risk of aspiration. ✨Nice✨

✅Ms. Sharman is a new resident of (the) Dementia Specific Unit. She was diagnosed with severe dementia in 2018. Therefore, she fairly has the ability to recognize (follow) simple instructions which results (results in) disorientation. She has been relying on full upper and lower dentures since losing all her natural teeth. However, she denies (refuses) wearing dentures at times due to the (her) confusion. As a result, she (recently?When?) experienced an episode of choking on a piece of food which was not chewed properly. 

✅Ms. Sharman weighs 106 kg now and her BMI is 30. A 10 kg of weight gain has been sustained over the last 5 (five) months due to an increased appetite. She usually enjoys consuming 3 full portions of (the) offered meal and wishes (requests) to have more.

✅Ms. Sharman is (has been) on a diabetic diet since 2008. She also has a history of ischemic heart disease since 2011 and bilateral knee osteoarthritis. She also experienced a stroke on (in) 2018 which leaded  (led to) (an) unsteady gait. In addition, she presents (has) with a history of chronic constipation, managed with laxative therapy as needed.

✅Considering the above, your urgent assessment regarding Ms. Sharman is highly appreciated.

Yours sincerely

nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

 

@noushin-norouzian-nezhad