[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

21/09/2019

Dietitian
Morevale Community Clinic
10 Arthur Street
Morevale

Dear Ms June Stuart,

Re: Mr Alex Roden, DOB: 24/09/1951

I am writing to request a dietary assessment and appropriate recommendations for Mr Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widowed pensioner who was discharged from hospital three weeks ago (on 26 August 2019) after undergoing by-pass surgery (triple bypass heart surgery) due to an angina attack.

• three weeks ago — اگه بخوای می‌تونی تاریخ دقیق بدی، ولی اجباری نیست

• ❌ by-pass surgery → ✅ triple bypass heart surgery

Following the operation, Mr Roden was advised to follow a strict low-fat, high fibre (low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol), and gluten-free diet, . with increased fluid intake. However, he has been unable to manage his diet appropriately and requires assistance. His fluid consumption has been monitored regularly by a community nurse since returning home. (حذف — fluid intake رو با رژیم ترخیص ادغام کن) Since his wife’s death, he has mainly consumed takeaway and frozen meals, as well as red meat and lamb. His intake of fruit and vegetables has also decreased. He has gained 5kg over the past six months (BMI: 33). Recently he has also not been exercising. (He takes no regular exercise.) Mr Roden is on medication for hypertension which was diagnosed two years ago (Atacand 4mg and Cartia, both taken in the morning).

• ❌ low-fat, high fibre → ✅ low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol — رژیم رو از کیس‌نوت دقیق بنویس

• جمله fluid consumption رو حذف کن — fluid intake رو با رژیم ترخیص ادغام کن

• داروهای فشار خون رو اسم ببر (Atacand و Cartia) — برای دیتیشن از نظر تداخل غذایی مهمه

• ❌ Recently he has also not been exercising → ✅ He takes no regular exercise

In terms of his social history, he lives alone and has generally poor health (a generally fair health history). He used to be a heavy smoker and (He is a former smoker, having quit in August 2016, and) his alcohol consumption has decreased since last year (reduced to recommended levels over the past year). Following his wife’s death, he has found it difficult to cope with life. (Importantly, Mr Roden has never cooked for himself, as his late wife managed all household cooking — this is a key barrier to dietary adherence.)

• ❌ poor health → ✅ fair health (کلمه کیس‌نوته)

• ❌ decreased since last year → ✅ reduced to recommended levels

• جمله «difficult to cope with life» رو حذف کن — احساساتیه و به کار دیتیشن نمیاد

• ⚠️ مهم‌ترین نکته‌ی محتوایی که گم شده: بیمار هرگز آشپزی نکرده — همسرش تمام آشپزی‌ها رو انجام می‌داده. این علت اصلی عدم رعایت رژیمه و باید می‌آمد

Mr Roden has stated a desire to improve his diet and has agreed to referral to a dietitian. The Heart Foundation’s Healthy Eating brochures have been delivered to him.

Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,
Alice Raymond
Community Health Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organisation & Layout: 5/7

• Language: 5/7

B

Overall score: (380)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

دقت در محتوا (Content Accuracy)

• رژیم ترخیص رو از کیس‌نوت کلمه‌به‌کلمه بنویس: low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol, gluten-free — نه low-fat, high-fibre

• نوع جراحی رو کامل بنویس: triple bypass heart surgery

• داروهای فشار خون (Atacand و Cartia) رو اسم ببر

• مهم‌ترین نکته‌ی محتوایی: بیمار هرگز آشپزی نکرده و بعد از فوت همسرش فقط غذای آماده می‌خوره — این علت اصلی ارجاعه

حذف محتوای نامربوط (Conciseness)

• «found it difficult to cope with life» — احساساتیه، حذف کن

• جمله fluid consumption رو حذف کن و fluid intake رو با رژیم ترخیص ادغام کن

• به‌جای «diagnosed two years ago»، اسم داروها رو بنویس

دقت در انتخاب واژه

• ❌ poor health → ✅ fair health

• ❌ decreased → ✅ reduced to recommended levels

• ❌ Recently he has also not been exercising → ✅ He takes no regular exercise

@user-685405

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: Bronwyn Green DOB: 15 March 1950

• ❌ Re Bronwyn → ✅ Re: Bronwyn — دو نقطه بعد از Re فراموش نشه

I am writing to request ongoing care for Mrs Green, a 69-year-old widow who requires assessment (ongoing nursing care) following her discharge today (tomorrow).

• ❌ requires assessment → هدف نامه «ongoing care» هست، نه assessment

• ❌ today → فردا ترخیص میشه (11 Feb)، نه امروز — ✅ tomorrow

On admission, Mrs Green was diagnosed with low-grade adenocarcinoma and underwent a right hemlcoletomy (hemicolectomy) on 20/01/2019, which led to metabolic and respiratory acidosis following an aesthetic. During hospitalization in icu (During her stay in the ICU), she complained of shortness of breath for which oxygen via nasal prongs was administered and pain was managed (and required reassurance).

• ❌ hemlcoletomy → ✅ hemicolectomy — غلط املایی

• جزئیات acidosis و بیهوشی برای Nursing Director مراقبت انتقالی غیرضروریه — حذف بشه

• ❌ in icu → ✅ in the ICU — حتماً the بیاد + ICU با حروف بزرگ

• ❌ an aesthetic → ✅ anaesthesia — غلط فاحش

• «pain was managed» خیلی کلیه و ربط چندانی به این مرحله نداره — حذف بشه

Over the past ten days (three weeks), Mrs Green‘s condition has been controlled in rehabilitation ward (has made steady progress in the Rehabilitation Ward). On review today, she was (was) able to walk with single point stick (a single point stick), (;) however, she still requires supervision. Her mood and appetite was (have) improved. Although, (Additionally,) Mrs Green has suffered from (experiences occasional) urinary incontinence and still requires to wear (wears a) pull-up pad. She remains oxygen-dependent.

• ❌ ten days → ✅ three weeks — بیمار از ۳۰ ژانویه در ریهاب بوده، نه ده روز

• ❌ condition has been controlled → لحن مناسبی نیست؛ ✅ has made steady progress

• «was able» اینجا درسته — review انجام شده و گذشته

• ❌ single point stick → ✅ a single point stick — article فراموش نشه

• ❌ mood and appetite was → ✅ have — subject جمع داره

• ❌ Although, → ✅ Additionally, — Although بدون clause بعدش اشتباهه

• ❌ has suffered from → خیلی dramatic؛ ✅ experiences occasional

• ❌ requires to wear → ✅ wears — این ساختار گرامری نادرسته

• «remains oxygen-dependent» خوبه ولی ناقصه — اضافه کن که در خانه هم از اکسیژن استفاده می‌کنه و نیاز به پایش داره

Her medical condition (history) includes COPD, HTN and anxiety, for which she takes regular medications. Please refer to attached medical charts for further details. Mrs Green lives alone, who gets help from her sister (; however, her sister lives nearby and provides occasional assistance).

• ❌ medical condition includes → ✅ medical history includes

• کاما بعد از «includes» غیرضروریه

• «Please refer to attached medical charts» — داروها زیاد بودن و ذکرشون لازم نبوده، ولی این جمله در OET letter غیرمعمول و نامناسبه — حذف بشه

• ❌ who gets help from her sister → relative clause به Mrs Green وصل نمیشه؛ جمله رو بازنویسی کن

• نکته‌ی مهم محتوایی: home modifications (نرده‌های دستشویی و حمام) اینجا ذکر نشده — باید بیاد

I would appreciate it if you could continue to monitor Mrs Greens (Green’s) mood (mood and anxiety levels) and change dressing (ensure her abdominal wound dressing is changed) every three days.

• ❌ Mrs Greens → ✅ Mrs Green’s — apostrophe فراموش شده

• ❌ change dressing → مشخص کن کدوم dressing — ✅ ensure her abdominal wound dressing is changed

• پایش اکسیژن (oxygen monitoring) که در case notes تاکید شده، اینجا ذکر نشده — باید اضافه بشه

If you require any further information, do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely yours (Yours sincerely)
Charge Nurse

• ❌ Sincerely yours → ✅ Yours sincerely — ترتیب استاندارد بریتانیاییه

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organisation & Layout: 4/7

• Language: 3/7

C Overall score: (290)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما:

1. دقت در محتوا و اطلاعات کلیدی

   • تاریخ ترخیص رو از تسک بخون — بیمار فردا (11 Feb) ترخیص میشه، نه امروز

   • پایش اکسیژن و home modifications دو نکته‌ی کلیدی این کیس بودن که حذف شدن — discharge plan رو کامل بخون

   • جزئیات حاد بیمارستانی (acidosis، ICU details) برای community nurse غیرضروریه — تمرکز روی وضعیت فعلی و نیازهای آینده باشه

2. گرامر و ساختار جملات

   • subject جمع → فعل جمع: ❌ mood and appetite was → ✅ have

   • ❌ requires to wear → ✅ wears / needs to wear

   • ❌ Although, (بدون clause) → ✅ Additionally,

   • relative clause رو درست وصل کن: ❌ Mrs Green lives alone, who → ✅ Mrs Green lives alone; however, her sister…

3. واژگان و رجیستر

   • ❌ an aesthetic → ✅ anaesthesia — یکی از بدترین غلط‌های این نامه

   • ❌ medical condition includes → ✅ medical history includes

   • ❌ has suffered from urinary incontinence → ✅ experiences occasional urinary incontinence

   • ❌ condition has been controlled → ✅ has made steady progress

4. علائم نگارشی و فرمت

   • Re: حتماً دو نقطه داشته باشه

   • ICU همیشه با حروف بزرگ نوشته میشه

   • ❌ Mrs Green mood → ✅ Mrs Green’s mood — apostrophe جدی بگیر

   • ❌ Sincerely yours → ✅ Yours sincerely

@Marzi_sj

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dear psychologist (Dear Ms. Hudson,)

• ⚠️ مخاطب نامه باید با نام کامل خطاب بشه — «Dear Ms. Hudson» نه فقط عنوان شغلی.

Re: Alice Cooper DOB 14 June 2009 (14/06/2009)

• ❌ 14 June 2009 → ✅ 14/06/2009 — در نامه‌های پزشکی فرمت عددی تاریخ استاندارده.

I am writing to refer Miss Cooper, a 10-year-old student (Year 5 student) who requires further investigation regarding her psychological problems (— I am writing to request a psychological assessment for Alice Cooper, a Year 5 student at Toohey Point Primary State School, due to concerns regarding her emotional wellbeing and possible underlying grief.)

• ❌ سن بیمار (10-year-old) به‌جای پایه تحصیلی — در کیس‌نوت Year 5 آمده، نه سن. همیشه از اطلاعات کیس‌نوت استفاده کن.
• ❌ «refer» به‌تنهایی کافی نیست — هدف نامه درخواست «psychological assessment» است؛ این عبارت باید صریح بیاید.
• ❌ «further investigation regarding her psychological problems» — قطعی به نظر می‌رسه. زبان پزشکی محتاطانه باید بگه «possible» یا «suspected».
• 👍 جمله opening ساختار درستی داره — فقط محتوا نیاز به اصلاح دارد.

Initially, her medical history includes eczema flare-ups on hands which embarrassed her and mild asthma, for which she inhales ventolin. She is overweight (BMI 21) which has lead to decrease in self-confidence.

• ⚠️ این پاراگراف جای اشتباه داره — اطلاعات پزشکی زمینه‌ای (eczema, asthma) نباید اول بیاد؛ محور اصلی نامه تغییرات رفتاری پس از فوت پدر است.
• ❌ «inhales ventolin» → ✅ «uses a Ventolin inhaler» — فعل درست برای inhaler اینه.
• ❌ «has lead» → ✅ «has led» — past participle فعل lead برابر led است.
• ❌ «decrease in self-confidence» → ✅ «low self-esteem» — اصطلاح استاندارد پزشکی.
• ❌ داده‌ی خام BMI (21) نیازی نیست در نامه بیاد — جمله‌ی «overweight for her age» کافیه.
• ❌ «Initially» — این کلمه برای شروع یک پاراگراف پزشکی نامناسبه؛ بهتر: «Of note» یا «Regarding her medical history».

Alice’s father passed away one year ago (in September 2018) following a motorcycle (motor) accident which maybe have had (may have had) a significant impact on Alice’s condition. Now she lives with her mother and her siblings. (این جمله را حذف کن یا به‌جایش بگو: «She lives with her mother, who works full-time, and two siblings.») Over the past year, Alice has had recurrent episodes of absence from school (absences from school) with variety of complications (a variety of physical complaints, which I suspect may be psychological in nature).

• ❌ «one year ago» — در کیس‌نوت تاریخ دقیق داریم (September 2018)؛ استفاده از تاریخ دقیق‌تر و حرفه‌ای‌تره.
• ❌ «motorcycle accident» → ✅ «motor accident» — عین کیس‌نوت.
• ❌ «maybe have had» → ✅ «may have had» — maybe قید است، نه modal verb.
• ❌ «complications» — این کلمه برای عوارض پزشکی به کار میره، نه شکایت‌های جسمی کودک. → «physical complaints» یا «somatic complaints».
• ⚠️ جمله‌ی مهم حذف شده: باید صریح بگی که این علائم احتمالاً روان‌شناختی هستند نه جسمی — این توجیه اصلی ارجاعه.

Alice had acceptable progress (performed well) on (in) the first two years of school. However, recently she suffered from (has shown) poor concentration and was (is) reluctant to participate in school activities (class and sporting activities). According to her mother, she has poor social communication (has become increasingly withdrawn at home) and was (is) very close to her father. She has few friends and is reluctant to participate in group activities.

• ❌ «suffered from poor concentration» — suffer from برای بیماری‌های مزمن استفاده میشه؛ بهتر: «has been showing difficulty concentrating».
• ❌ زمان فعل — وضعیت فعلی بیمار باید با زمان حال توصیف بشه (has, is)، نه گذشته ساده (was, had).
• ❌ «acceptable progress» → ✅ «performed well» یا «made good progress»
• ❌ «on the first two years» → ✅ «in Years 1 and 2»
• ❌ «poor social communication» — این اصطلاح تخصصی اوتیسم است و اینجا نادرست است. کیس‌نوت میگه «few friends» و «often teased» → «has few friends and has been teased by classmates».
• ⚠️ اطلاعات مهم از کیس‌نوت حذف شده: گریه و دلتنگی برای پدر، پرخوری، و موافقت مادر با ارجاع نیاز داشت ذکر بشه.

I would appreciate it if you could indicate Alice problems (assess whether Alice has any underlying grief-related or psychological difficulties). If you need any further information, do not hesitate to contact me (please do not hesitate to contact me).

• ❌ «indicate Alice problems» — جمله گرامری نیست و معنی دقیقی نداره. هدف نامه «psychological assessment» بوده، پس closing باید به همین اشاره کنه.
• ❌ «Alice problems» → باید possessive باشه: «Alice’s difficulties» یا «Alice’s condition».
• ❌ «Sincerely yours» → ✅ «Yours sincerely» — ترتیب استاندارد انگلیسی بریتانیایی اینه.

• Purpose: 2/3
• Content: 4/7
• Clarity & Conciseness: 3/7
• Genre & Style: 3/7
• Organisation & Layout: 3/7
• Language: 3/7

C

Overall score: (260)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

هدف و درخواست نامه (Purpose)

• عبارت «psychological assessment» باید صریح در پاراگراف اول بیاد — ارجاع دادن کافی نیست، باید بگی برای چه ارجاع میدی.
• در انتهای نامه هم باید دوباره به هدف اشاره بشه — مثلاً: «I would be grateful if you could conduct a full psychological assessment.»

زمان فعل و دقت گرامری

• وقتی وضعیت فعلی بیمار توصیف میشه، از زمان حال کامل (has been, is) استفاده کن نه گذشته ساده (was, had).
• ❌ «maybe have had» → ✅ «may have had» — maybe قید است نه modal verb.
• ❌ «has lead» → ✅ «has led» — past participle فعل lead برابر led است.

انتخاب کلمات و اصطلاحات پزشکی

• ❌ «poor social communication» — اصطلاح تخصصی اوتیسم است؛ اینجا بگو «few friends» یا «becoming withdrawn».
• ❌ «complications» برای شکایت‌های کودک نادرسته → ✅ «physical complaints» یا «somatic symptoms».
• ❌ «inhales ventolin» → ✅ «uses a Ventolin inhaler».
• ❌ «decrease in self-confidence» → ✅ «low self-esteem» — اصطلاح استاندارد بالینی.

ساختار و سازماندهی نامه

• ترتیب پاراگراف‌ها اشتباهه: پیشینه پزشکی (eczema, asthma) نباید اول بیاد — شروع با فوت پدر و تأثیر آن روی رفتار آلیس منطقی‌تره.
• اطلاعات مهم حذف شده: موافقت مادر با ارجاع، گریه و دلتنگی برای پدر، پرخوری به‌عنوان مکانیسم مقابله — اینا برای روان‌پزشک خیلی مهمن.
• ارتباط علّی بین فوت پدر و تغییرات رفتاری باید صریح‌تر مطرح بشه — فقط ذکر هر دو کافی نیست.

رجیستر و لحن رسمی

• ❌ «Dear psychologist» → ✅ «Dear Ms. Hudson» — در نامه رسمی همیشه با نام مخاطب شروع کن.
• ❌ «Sincerely yours» → ✅ «Yours sincerely» — ترتیب استاندارد انگلیسی بریتانیایی.
• از زبان محتاطانه استفاده کن: «may have», «appears to», «I suspect» — نه اظهارات قطعی.

@Marzi_sj

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs Martinson 

Re Kenneth Phillips DOB 05/05/1973

✅ I am writing to request ongoing care for Mrs Phillips, a 46-year-old divorced woman who requires assistance regarding her rehabilitation process following her discharge today.

✅Initially, Mrs Phillips was admitted to the Spirit Hospital on 10/01/2019 for (a) bilateral lung transplant following (due to) interstitial disease. Over the past ten days, she received treatment in icu (the ICU) and (the) thoracic ward. During hospitalization, she has depended on oxygen therapy via nasal prongs at 2 L/min . She also had (developed) a stage two pressure ulcer on her coccyx (,) which daily dressing has been changed. 

• Transplant : اسم قابل شمارش

• Following: یعنی بعد از، و مفهوم علت و معلول رو نمیرسونه. به جاش از due to یعنی “به دلیل” استفاده شود

چون گفته‌ایم “During her hospital stay”، بهتر است از developed استفاده کنیم تا نشان دهد زخم بستر در طول بستری ایجاد شده است.

• ✅ developed = در طول بستری دچار زخم بستر شد.

• ❌ had = فقط وجود زخم را بیان می‌کند و زمان ایجاد آن مشخص نیست.

💡 اگر تعویض روزانه پانسمان جزو درخواست ادامه مراقبت است، نباید از گذشته استفاده کنیم. (این که در آخر رایتینگ هم بیاد کفایت میکنه)

• ❌ was changed daily = در بیمارستان انجام می‌شد.

• ✅ requires daily dressing changes = بعد از ترخیص هم باید ادامه یابد.

✅On 15/02/2019, she was transferred to (the) rehabilitation ward and ( . )during the first week, she was reluctant to reduce oxygen therapy because she experienced shortness of breath during mobility (mobilisation). Since 22/02/2019, Mrs Phillips agreed to reduce her oxygen therapy and made a steady recovery. She was able to perform her activities of daily living with supervision. She commenced taking immunosuppressive medication and analgesics by her own under supervision. 

• خط اول: وقتی یک جمله از نظر معنا کامل است (a complete sentence)، بهتر است آن را با Full Stop تمام کنیم، نه اینکه با “and” به جمله بعدی وصل کنیم 

• در مورد قسمتی که خط کشیده شده، دقت کنید این یک نامه after care هست و نیازی نیست گزارش کامل از آنچه گذشت بدید. اونچه که مهمه اینه که الان بیمار Sat چطوره و آیا اکسیژن نیاز دارد برای بعد ترخیص یا نه. بنابراین بهره خلاصه تر می بود.

✅On review today, she was able to walk independently and her mood was stable. However, she still suffers from urine inconsistent (urinary incontinence) and wears (a) pull up pad. 

✅I would appreciate it if you could monitor her medication compliance, daily dressing changes, her mood and also oxygen saturation levels. 

• Rephrased: I would appreciate it if you could monitor her adherence to her medication, perform daily dressing changes, monitor her mood, and monitor her oxygen saturation.

• ساختار جمله موازی‌تر شد؛ همه درخواست‌ها با فعل‌های یکسان بیان شده‌اند و جمله روان‌تر شده است. 

If you need any further information, do not hesitate to contact me .

Yours sincerely 

Nurse 

موارد مهمی که در رایتینگ ذکر نشده‌اند:

• ❌ اشباع اکسیژن هنگام ترخیص (SpO₂ = 94% در هوای اتاق) ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ رژیم غذایی بیمار (Low listeria diet، مایعات رقیق و اشتهای خوب) ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ وضعیت زندگی بیمار (زندگی به‌تنهایی و دریافت حمایت از خواهر) ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ عدم نیاز به اکسیژن و وسایل کمک حرکتی هنگام ترخیص ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ فواصل تعویض پانسمان (هر سه روز یک‌بار) ذکر نشده است.
  
  در واقع اصل هدف نوشتن این نامه وضعیت کنونی بیمار، درخواست های لازم و … همین موارد بالا هست که بهشون پرداخته نشده.
  در واقع پاراگراف 2 و 3 باید توی یک پاراگراف خلاصه میشد و می رسیدید به اینکه امروز بیمار داره مرخص میشه و وضعش اینه…

 

 

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

  C Overall score: (290)

@Marzi_sj

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs. Martinson,

Re: Mr. Kenneth Phillips DOB: 05/05/1973

✅ I am writing to request ongoing care for Mr. Phillips, a 45-year-old divorced builder, who was admitted to Spirit Hospital on 10/01/2019 and underwent a bilateral lung transplant and** (full stop) (He) is scheduled to be discharged from the rehabilitation ward today.

• ❌ Avoid joining several major events in one long sentence.

✅Post-operatively, he remained in the ICU ward (for) 10 days (,) and 3 weeks in the Thoracic Ward and subsequently he was transferred to the rehabilitation ward for (another/further) 2 weeks. The patient’s healing process was satisfactory,(.) His dependence on oxygen therapy has gradually decreased (,)and he is currently managing without supplemental oxygen, maintaining an oxygen saturation level of 94% on room air. At present (,)he is self-sufficient in personal care and activities of daily living; however, he requires supervision. He is on a low listeria diet and thin fluids,(and) his appetite has also improved.

• سعی کنید بیش از دو عبارت یا جمله رو لینک نکنید تا جمله خیلی طولانی نشه و روانتر خوانده بشه.

• ❌ The patient’s healing process ✅ The patient’s recovery 

• Healing process معمولاً به بهبود زخم یا محل جراحی اشاره دارد، نه وضعیت کلی بیمار. بنابراین در این جمله طبیعی نیست. 

• self-sufficient  معمولا در گفتار کاربرد دارد نه در نامه های پزشکی. بهتره بگیم independent.

✅Regarding his medical history, he has been suffering from interstitial lung disease since 2012 and has been taking a variety of medications, (.) please refer to the attached medication chart for further details.

✅Mr. Phillips lives alone and receives good support from his sister. He is able to self-medicate but requires supervision. There is a wound in the coccyx area that needs to be monitored and the dressing should be changed every three days.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require further information.

Yours sincerely,

Registered Nurse – Rehabilitation Ward

عالی – خیلی خوب همه چی، فقط استفاده از نقطه به جای کاما وقتی که جمله ی شما مفهوم کاملی میرسونه و همچنین استفاده درست از کاما بین عبارات طولانی. جز این پیشنهادی نیست. Well Done!

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 6/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 6/7

  B Overall score: (430)

@user-685405

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Doctor, 

Re: Mr. Dave Cochrane DOB:20 November 1962 

✅ I am writing to refer Mr. Cochrane , a 57- year-old retired (man: need a noun) who is (has been) diagnosed with acute left ventricular failure and needs (requires) emergency admission to cardiology until for stabilization. 

✅Initially,Mr Cochrane presented at my practice 7 weeks ago, (no comma) with complaints of positional shortness of breath,chest tightness and nocturnal cough. He ,also was (He was also) dyspnoeic and had a bilateral ankle edema,as well as a high jugular venous pressure. On examination,crepitations were heard in (both) lung bases (,)with no other significant abnormalities.his ECG showed cardiomegaly and an (chest) X-ray revealed features of infection. Given the diagnosis of left ventricular failure,a broad spectrum antibiotic for 7 days,furosemide and digoxin were prescribed.he also,was advised to quit smoking and drinking. 

✅On a review 2 weeks later, his symptoms had decreased (worsened) and he had reduced (his) alcohol consumption and smoking. Today, he presented with (a) flare up symptoms(,) including breath shortness (shortness of breath), chest pain and a 2-hour sweating spell. he was anxious and dyspnoeic. On examination, he had high jugular vein (venous) pressure, crepitation in (his) both his lung bases and a left shifted apex beat. However, there was no murmur and his (other) vital signs were normal. 

• Decreased: برای مقدار به کار میره

• “spell” is more common in general English 

✅I would appreciate (it) if you could assess and treat him as you feel appropriate.if you require any further information, please don’t (do not) hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely, 

Doctor 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

@Shivam

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Stuart,

Re: Mr Alex Roden, DOB: 24/09/1951

✅I am writing to request a dietary assessment and appropriate management advice for Mr Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widower, who is recovering from triple bypass heart surgery.

Mr Roden was admitted in (to) Spirit Hospital  following a (an) angina attack on 17/08/2019. He consequently underwent Triple bypass heart surgery on 18/08/2019 and was discharged after an uneventful recovery on 26/08/2019. After discharge, her (his) diet plan includes (a) low-calorie, high-protein, low cholesterol and gluten free diet. He has been advised to increase fluid intake by (a) community nurse(??), as well. However, he does not know (he is unsure) how to follow this plan.

As his past history, although his BMI is 33, he is not doing any exercise. He was previously a regular smoker and heavy drinker but quit smoking in 2016 and has reduced his alcohol consumption.

•  “As his past history,” → Incorrect phrase → ✅ “Regarding his past medical history,”

• “although” is misused (no real contrast)

Mr Roden has continued (to follow) an unhealthy diet since his wife died. Your assistance is required to support him in implementing an appropriate dietary plan and monitoring his adherence. It would be appreciated if you give him a copy of the Heart Foundation’s Health Eating brochures, and write a referral letter to a dietitian to assist him in this way.

Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require any further information.

Yours sincerely,

Alice Raymond

Rural Community Health Nurs

• این نامه در واقع نامه ارجاع به متخصص تغذیه هست، و تسک شما این هست. شما اینجا به اشتباه به عنوان درخواست مطرحش کردید

• همچنین بروشور رو شما به بیمار داید و مجدد به اشتباه به عنوان درخواست مطرح شده.

• چند مورد مثل: افزایش وزن بیمار (5 کیلو)، اینکه بیمار خودش مشتاق به رژیم تغذیه هست، و اینکه الان قوت قالبش غذای آماده و یخزده و غیره هست… در رایتینگ ذکر نشده.

• از لحاظ زبانی مشکلی وجود ندارد و بیشتر باید روی محتوا، هدف نوشتن نامه و … تمرکز کنید. نمره این رایتینگ به همین دلیل کم شده

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

  C+ Overall score: (300)

@Khadi

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear District Nurse, 

Re:Bill O’Riley , DOB:12 January 1960 

✅I am writing to request ongoing care for Mr O’Riley, a 59-year-old single man who was admitted to Spirit Hospital (,)Brisbane on September 2 and underwent a coronary artery bi-pass (bypass) graft surgery(,) following obstructive coronary artery disease. He is due to be discharged tomorrow. 

✅Mr O’Riley has been under our care in the Coronary Care Unit since his surgery on September 4(,) and his recovery has been progressive (promising ) with notable improvements in walking and surgical wound healing. (in his mobility and wound healing)

• واژه progressive بیشتر برای بیماری‌های بدترشونده استفاده می‌شود (progressive disease, progressive deterioration).

✅During hospitalization, a rehabilitation exercise program has been commenced (was commenced/initiated) by a local physiotherapist. However, he is reluctant to cooperate. His medical history is significant for hypertension, which is well managed by metoprolol. He is a heavy smoker and drinker(,) and has been advised to cease smoking and reduce alcohol consumption. Although he has been counseled to follow a low-fat, low-cholesterol diet, he insists on eating frozen and unhealthy meals.✅Nice

✅Following discharge, he is scheduled for a follow-up visit to Dr Jensen, the local GP, on September 15. Given his history of non-compliance, I would appreciate it if you could monitor his adherence to (the/his) exercise and dietary regime (regimen) (,)as well as (the/his) smoking cessation and alcohol consumption. Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely,

 Charge Nurse

✨Fantastic✨

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

 

@reyhan

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director

Re:Vamuya Obeki,aged 4 

I am writing to request a follow-up care for Vamuya, a 4-year-old patient who was admitted to Children’s Emergency department with diagnosis of acute meningoencephalitis due to a complication following of mumps 10 days ago.

• no article “a” before “follow-up care”

• Following mumps – remove unnecessary “of”

The patient is the first  child of a family of 4 (,) which includes his parents and an (a) younger brother. They are the refugee (refugees) from Sudan who arrived in Australia this year. Vamuya’s father is able to understand spoken English well ,but his writing ability is limited.Her (his) mother has a basic understanding of spoken English. Therefore,they require an interpreter.

She (he) has fully recovered from mumps and meningoencephalitis,and  is due to be discharged today. Please note,her (his) parents report(ed) that their children’s vaccination(s) is (are) not  up to date. They received just (only) a few routine vaccines at birth whose (,but) record has been lost. The parents have had no  information regarding  Mumps vaccination.

In terms of the above,I would appreciate it if you could schedule a neurological follow-up and  arrange an interpreter as well as provide (providing) advice  for (to) his parents on recommended vaccines. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any  further information. (have question / require information)

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (390)

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Consultant 
Re: Ms Patricia Styles, Age 62 

✅I am writing to refer Ms Styles, a 62-year-old widowed patient, who was discharged from Green Valley Hospital 5 days ago following the diagnosis of pericarditis. 

• ✅a 62-year-old widow

✅One week ago, Ms Styles presented at Green Valley Hospital with fever, pleuritic chest pain, general weakness, malaise, and tachycardia. She was diagnosed with pericarditis following (based on) an echocardiogram. Additionally, she was diagnosed with viral influenza type B by (confirmed by) a throat swab. Her examination revealed inflammation and her Chest X-ray was normal. She was discharged on 25 Aug 2019 after being administered IV saline and Ibuprofen. 

❌According to today’s observations (where? Nurse Home Visit?), Ms Styles is experiencing fatigue, chest pain, shortness of breath, and is frustrated with the progress (slow progress) of (her) recovery. She adheres to her medications and self-care at home. However, she did not reach any improvements regarding possible relapse or complications of pericarditis, her vital signs are normal. 

• ❌ “According to today’s observations” → “On today’s home visit”

• ❌ “However, she did not reach any improvements regarding possible relapse or complications of pericarditis,” → ✅ “However, there has been no improvement, and I suspect a relapse of pericarditis with complications

• پرستار مشکوک به عود/بازگشت پریکاردیت همراه با عوارض است و برای همین شما دارید این نامه رو مینویسید و این خیلی مهم بود که متاسفانه شما به درستی بیانش نکردید. منظور جمله شما این است که هیچ علامت جدیدی مبنی بر عود یا عوارض پیدا نشده، وگیج‌کننده است.

• همچنین اشاره ای نکردید که شما در واقع home visit رفتید و در متن مشخص نیست بیمار الان کجاست.

✅Ms Styles has a history of Hypertension, Diabetes mellitus Type 2, and Depression, which are generally well-managed. She has been prescribed Quinapril oral 40mg/2xday, Metformin oral 500mg/2xday, and Gliclazide oral 30mg daily. 

• این داروها رو از قبل میگرفته و بهتره از فعل take استفاده کنیم تا بگیم تجویز شده.

Please arrange an urgent hospital transfer to Newtown Hospital for Ms Styles and provide urgent assessment and management regarding (for) pericarditis. 

• ❌ “urgent hospital transfer” → ✅ “urgent transfer to NewTown Hospital”

Yours sincerely 

Nurse

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 5/7

  C+ Overall score: (330)

 

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director

Re:Ms Bronwyn Green,aged 68

✅I am writing to refer this patient, a 68-year-old widow who was admitted three weeks ago with (a) diagnosis of  low-grade adenocarcinoma.

❌She underwent a right-side hemicolectomy on 20/01/2019. Post-surgery care was provided in the ICU. Due to (following) a five-hour anaesthesia, she sustained (developed) respiratory and metabolic acidosis. During hospitalization in this ward, she was on oxygen therapy with oxygen saturation of 98%. Due to experiencing short (shortness) of breath during mobility, she was required to assist with the walking. After five days,Ms Green was transformed (transferred)  to the rehabilitation ward for ongoing care, and  has been in this ward until today. Over this period,her condition has been promising. Her dependency to (on) oxygen therapy has decreased. The wound-healing process has been  satisfactory. Currently, the patient’s mood and appetite is (are) good. Her mobility has made a steady progress, and she requires using a single point stick .Due to urinary incontinence, she is required to wear a  pull up pad.

• Sustain:  یعنی “تحمل کردن” یا “حفظ کردن”

• ببینید رایتینگ شما 260 کلمه است که بیشتر از حد معموله… که نشون میده اطلاعاتی در متن اومده که اضافی است. این اطلاعات رو بنده با رنگ قرمز هایلایت کردم. دقت کنید که هدف نامه اینه که پرستار بعدی بدونه باید برای بیمار چیکار کنه. و مواردی مثل آنچه در بخش icu گذشت اهمیتی ندارد و نباید در نامه آورده میشدند.

• ❌ “she was required to assist with the walking.” → ✅ “she required assistance with walking.”

• ❌ Depend to → ✅ depend on

• ❌ “a steady progress,” → ✅ “steady progress,” (remove article “a”).

• ❌ “and she requires using a single point stick.” → ✅ “however she requires the use of a single-point stick.”

✅Regarding her medical and social history, she has been suffering from hypertension, COPD, anxiety and depression, for which takes several medications. The patient has a history of smoking although she has  stopped that recently.

She is due to be discharged tomorrow. Please note, wound-dressing (wound dressing) must be changed every three days. Her anxiety and oxygen therapy need to be monitored. The patient is able to  be self-medicate. At the time of discharge, Ms Green will be accompanied by her sister.

I would appreciate it if you could take over this patient’s care. Please do not hesitate (to contact me?) if you have any further questions.

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (350)

 

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Ponsford

Re: Mr Lionel Ramamurthy, Aged 63

✅I am writing regarding Mr Ramamurthy, who was admitted on 04 February 2019 with a diagnosis of Pneumonia, and he will return to your care upon his discharge tomorrow.

• ❌ “Pneumonia” → ✅ “pneumonia”

✅Mr Ramamurthy was presented (presented:active) with acute dyspnoea associated with wheezing, fever, and sleeplessness. He reported chest and abdominal pain following a persistent cough. He also felt weak and required a walking frame for his daily activities.

• ❌ “felt weak” → ✅ “experienced weakness” more formal

✅After a week of hospitalization, Mr Ramamurthy has made good progress overall. His inflammatory markers (have returned) returned to normal. He is now afebrile and able to perform his personal hygiene and (daily) activities more independently. He has been encouraged to ambulate regularly and perform breathing and coughing exercises to relieve his signs of dry cough and chest pain.

✅Kindly administer Paracetamol for Mr Ramamurthy’s chest and abdominal pain, if needed (required). Please keep him warm and continue monitoring his diet to maintain a good nutritional status by taking adequate fluids and healthy foods, (and) to help him gain weight. Additionally, ensure that his postural drainage is performed while sitting, rather than lying down. Kindly arrange a check-up for his poor eyesight regarding a cataract operation 16 months ago.

Rephrased: Kindly arrange an eyesight check-up, as he continues to experience poor eyesight following cataract surgery 16 months ago

Please do not hesitate to contact me for any further queries.

Yours Sincerely,

Charge Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Sir Hudson

Re:Alice Cooper,aged 10

I am writing to refer this patient, a 5 year student in (at) our school due to (the) possibility of psychological disorders following her father’s death.

• ❌ “5 year student” → ✅ “year 5 student”

Her father died due to an (a) motor accident 6 months ago. She is a (the) second child in  a family of three. Her sister is aged 12 and brother is aged 7.Her mother works as a bank manager.Alice has been experiencing eczema on  both her hands and she has had asthma,for which takes (uses) a  Ventolin inhaler. Her weight is above the normal limit (40 kg for a height of 138cm).

• قسمت هایلایت شده در متن اضافیست و نباید در این نامه آورده میشد.

• ❌ “eczema on both her hands” → ✅ “eczema on both hands”

• جمله ای که زیرش خط کشیده شده باید به زمان حال ساده بیاد چون شرح اکنون بیمار هست:

• Alice experiences eczema on both hands and has asthma.

Since missing her father, she has had a history of frequent absence from school .She has been experiencing intermittent signs and symptoms including eczema , headaches, stomachaches, toothaches  and nausea.

• ❌ “Since missing her father” → ✅ “Since the loss of her father”

• ✅ She has often been absent from school.👉 او اغلب از مدرسه غایب بوده است.

• جمله بالا ساده و واضح است. در جمله شما a history of جایگاهی نداره: بیمار یک سابقه غیبت از مدرسه داشته بوده است

• ❌ “signs and symptoms” → ✅ “symptoms”

  • 🔹 Signs (علائم بالینی) چیزهایی هستند که پزشک یا پرستار مشاهده می‌کند، نه بیمار. و همچنین مواردی که هست واقعا تجربیات بیمار نبوده و در واقع به اون دلایل از مدرسه غایب می شده (که اغلب بهانه بوده). پیشنهاد من:

• Since the loss of her father, she has had frequent absences from school. These absences have often been associated with complaints such as eczema, headaches, stomachaches, toothaches, and nausea.

Alice’s performance was good before her father’s death. Currently,she has a poor concentration in the class, and is reluctant with sports activities. She has few friends. Despite taking (using) an ointment on her hands,eczema hasn’t improved. Therefore, eczema and being overweight have caused her embarrassment and decreased her self-steem.

• ❌ “a poor concentration” → ✅ “poor concentration” (no article)

• فعل take معمولا برای داروی خوراکی هست. برای پماد، کرم، اسپری آسم و … از use استفاده کنید.

• ❌ “self-steem” → ✅ “self-esteem” (spelling correction)

Please note,her mother reports (that) Alice was very close to her father. She (who: mother or Alice?) is overeating no nutritional value food  like chips and cakes.she (who: mother or Alice?) is anxious regarding her daughter’s condition.

• ✅ “She is overeating foods with little nutritional value”

• ❌ “like chips and cakes” → ✅ “such as chips and cakes”: More formal

In view of the above, I believe that her signs and symptoms (are) suggestive of psychological disorders. I would appreciate (it) if you could assess her condition. please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

Word count: 260

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Ponsford

Re:  Mr Lionel Ramamurthy, Aged 63 

I am writing regarding Mr Ramamurthy, a 63-year-old widower who was admitted to our hospital on 04 February with a diagnosis of Pneumonia, and he will be back at (will return to) your retirement home upon his discharge tomorrow.

• ❌ “Pneumonia” → ✅ “pneumonia”

 Mr. Ramamurthy was admitted with acute shortness of breath associated with inspiratory and expiratory wheezing, fever, sleeplessness, and generalized aches. He reported chest and abdominal pain following a persistent cough and sleeplessness. He also felt weak and required a frame for his daily activities, experiencing increasing shortness of breath on exertion.

In terms of Mr Ramamurthy’s social and medical history, he experienced weight loss, associated with a poor diet due to his wife’s death. He was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes on 2007, which was controlled by diet, and Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease on 2018. He also suffers from  Osteoarthritis, which takes Voltaren.

• کل این پاراگراف باید حذف شود چرا که خانه سالمندان بیمار از این موارد آگاهی دارد.

During hospitalization, Mr Ramamurthy has made good progress overall. His fever and inflammatory markers returned to normal, and he was able to perform his personal hygiene and activities independently. He has been encouraged to take oral fluids and proper nutrition by a dietitian, which helped him gain weight, (نقطه) and he has also been encouraged to do breathing and coughing exercises due to his signs of dry cough and chest pain.

• ❌ “returned to normal” → ✅ “have returned to normal”

• ❌ “he was able” → ✅ “he is now able to…” وضعیت کنونی بیمار

• ✅ “encouraged by a dietitian to take oral fluids and maintain proper nutrition”ترتیب عبارات

• ❌ “which helped him gain weight” → ✅ “to help him gain weight” که کمک کنه وزن اضافه کنه

• ❌ “due to his signs of dry cough and chest pain” → ✅ “to relieve his dry cough and chest pain”

• عبارت due to یعنی در نتیجه چیزی و اینجا معنای درستی نمیده…

• جمله آخر از he has been encouraged شروع میشه تا پایان پاراگراف شامل 6 عبارت هست. نقطه بگذارید و مدام از and استفاده نکنید.

It would be appreciated to provide Paracetamol for Mr Ramamurthy when having chest or abdominal pain. Please keep him warm and monitor him to stay in a good nutritious condition by taking high fluids and healthy foods. In addition, to ensure his postural drainage, sitting is preferred rather than lying down. Kindly provide a check-up for his weak eyesight due to a cataract operation 16 months ago.

• ❌ “It would be appreciated to provide  Paracetamol” → ✅ “Kindly administer paracetamol” خلاصه و مفید

• ❌ “when having chest or abdominal pain” → ✅ “when he experiences chest or abdominal pain” فاعل در جمله شما گنگ است

• ❌ “to stay in a good nutritious condition” → ✅ “to ensure he maintains good nutritional status”

• ❌ “taking high fluids” → ✅ “taking adequate fluids”

• ❌ “provide a check-up for his weak eyesight due to a cataract operation” → ✅ “arrange a check-up for his poor eyesight following his cataract operation”

Please do not hesitate to contact me for any further queries.

Yours Sincerely

Charge Nurse

Word Count: 270: موارد هایلایت شده اضافی بود. و دقت کنید همچنین به دلیل اهمیت پایین اگر هم نیاز به نوشتن پاراگراف دوم بود باید آن را در آخر رایتینگ می آوردید.

• افعالی که باید یاد بگیرید استفاده کنید: maintain و relieve و ensure و arrange

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 4/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs. Marureen Martinson,

Re Mr.Kenneth  Phillips ,DOB ;05/05/1973

I am writing to request ongoing care this patient Mr. Phillips, a 46-year old builder, who was admitted to spirit hospital for underwent a bilateral lung transplant on 10/01/2019. 

• ❌ “ongoing care this patient” → ✅ “ongoing care for this patient/ ongoing care for Mr. Philips”

• ❌ “46-year old” → ✅ “46-year-old”

• ❌ “spirit hospital” → ✅ “Spirit Hospital”

• ❌ “for underwent” → ✅ “and underwent” یا “admitted for a bilateral…”

Mr. Phillips spent in ICU 10 days and transferred (was transferred) to (the) Thoracic ward under our care for three weeks. He has made good progress. He needs (requires) less oxygen and support, and now he is happy not to use the oxygen. At discharge, (the) patient is independent with (in) his hygiene and supervision (with minimal supervision) . He is on a low listeria diet and thin fluids. His appetite increased. (has increased)

• ❌ “spent in ICU 10 days” → ✅ “spent 10 days in the ICU”

• Capitalize hospital units. → ✅ “the Thoracic Ward”

• در جمله هایلایت شده گفتید بیمار در بخش thoracic تحت مراقبت شما بوده ک اشتباه هست و بیمار بعد از اون در بخش توانبخشی بستری شه و شما پرستار آن بخش هستید.

• بیمار هم اکنون به اکسیژن نیاز ندارد. در بالا یک بار اومده که به اکسیژن کمی نیاز دارد (زمان حال استفاده شده) و دقیقا جمله بعدی گفته نداره!

Regarding his medical history, Mr. Phillips has had an interstitial lung disease since 2012 which is taking a variety of medication. For full details, see the attached medication chart. 

• ❌ “an interstitial lung disease” → ✅ “interstitial lung disease” No article needed for diseases

• ❌ “which is taking a variety of medication” → ✅ “and has been taking a variety of medications” با توجه به since 2012

Mr. Phillips lives alone(,) but her (his) sister lives in the same area and supports him. He is on self-medication but requires supervision.A wound dressing is required every third day for a pressure ulcer on his coccyx and his oxygen use needs to be monitored.

If you require any further information, please do not to hesitate to contact me.

Yours   Sincerely,

Registered Nurse

سلام و درود
به نسبت رایتینگ قبلی از لحاظ محتوا و هدف گذاری بهتر بود کاملا. این که نمره content کم شده  به خاطر این بود که مثلا گفتید چند وقت توی icu بوده ولی نگفتید چقدر بخش thoracic بوده و بعد اون بخش rehab فراموش شده. همچنین نیاز به اکسیژن… این موارد با دقت و برنامه ریزی روی تسک قبل از شروع به نوشتن بهبود پیدا میکنه. اما……

بخش زبانی که نمره language و clarity (ساختار های درست جمله که معنا رو به درستی انتقال بدهند) نیاز به مطالعه زبان (حداقل چندین ماه) دارد. میتوان متصور شده که در اسپیکینگ هم احتمالا همین بخش زبانی نیاز به بهبود داره. بنابراین این توصیه بنده این هست که در کنار تمرینات OET، همزمان زبان عمومی به خصوص گرامر خود را تقویت کنید. دروس “کلینیک گرامر و لغات” در بخش دوره های من، را با دقت بیشتر و تحلیل و تمرین مجدد انجام دهید.
به امید موفقیت شما.

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

 

@9132180654