[Siavash Zare]

Ms. Cathy Ina

Community Nurse

Baillieston community

6 Buchanan Street

Glasgow

14 / 1/2023

 

Dear Ms. Ina

Re: Mrs. Anna Dijana 42 years old

 

Your patient, Mrs. Dijana was admitted to New Victoria Hospital on 15th July 2018 for treatment of a tibia fracture and compartment syndrome. She is ready for discharge today. (she is due to discharge today)

 

When Mrs. Dijana was admitted, she suffer (was suffering) from right knee pain following

falling off (the) stairs,. So ( “so” is informal, instead use: hence, consequently, therefore)  that (the) patient was unable to move with (her) right foot (pinglish :p, you can say “ the patient was unable to walk properly, or was unable to bear weight on her right foot”) . After some examinations a right proximal, lateral tibia fracture and compartment syndrome was (were) diagnosed. She was underwent urgent surgery two incisions including four compartments and fasciotomies of the right lower leg. For post operation (post-operative) treatment, the patient was stabilized with an external fixator (1) and  she was prescribed painkiller for (to) relieve the pain.

 

During hospitalization, Mrs Dijana`s wound and drainage was (were) observed for sign

and symptoms of infection (signs of fluid or infection), which was asymptomatic and she has had good general health

 

در اینجا subject جمله wound and drainage هستند، در ادامه asymptomatic نمی تواند برای هر دو استفاده شود.

پیشنهاد:

Surgery site was asymptomatic and patient general health condition was good

 

and she has not (had) any difficulty with sleeping and resting.

 

Mrs. Dijana has been advised (instructed) to (on) how (to) keep the incision site sterile and to be aware from (of) the possible drainage. (advised on how to … instructed on how to do …)

I would appreciate it if you could assess Mrs. Dijana and provide further

Information.

 

Yours sincerely,

Nurse

 

(1)  external fixator is not a post-operative care.

 

Purpose: 2/3

Content: 4/7

Conciseness & Clarity: 4/7

Genre & Style: 5/7

Organisation & Layout: 6/7         

Language: 4/7                  

overall score ~ 270 – 300 Band C

 

Notes: This is supposed to be a letter of discharge to another nurse, informing her about the patient’s condition and continuing her care.

• the “request” of the letter is like “a referral letter” (I would appreciate it if you could assess Mrs. Dijana and provide further Information.)

Instead you may use this paragraph:

Therefore, it would be appreciated if you could provide ongoing monitoring and care. If you require further information, do not hesitate to contact me.

 

There are some “key information” you missed in your writing, remember, think about what the other nurse need to know about the patient so he/she can properly take care of your patient.

[Siavash Zare]

Nurse Director 

North West Transition Care Program Community Service 

12 west Northbridge 

QLD, 4543 

11/Feb/2019 

Dear Nurse Director, 

Re: Mrs. Brawyn Green, DOB: 15/Mar/1950 

I am writing to request for ongoing care for Mrs. Green, a 73 – year – old,  widow woman, who was admitted 0n 18 Jan 2019 In North West Hospital and  she (no need subject) was underwent (why passive?) a(missing article) right hemicolectomy. The patient is now ready for  discharge. (she is due to be discharged today (to write more advance))

* patient is going to be discharged tomorrow, not today

**please read the lesson:  مقدمه رایتینگ

Mrs. Green was diagnosed with a low grade adenocarcinoma which …..

بهتر بود این مورد رو در مقدمه می آورید و بعد این پاراگراف رو با این جمله که” بیمار دیروز عمل شد و حالا مشکلات بعد عملش این و این و …”

…..after  the operation the patient got metabolic and respiratory acidosis. Also, she stated (reported) a  shortness of breath, .due to her condition and observation, she was transferred  to ICU just for one day. He has been under our care in  the rehabilitation ward for  20 days and she (no need subject) made good progress. She is able to walk with assistance in (for a) short distance. Regarding her oxygen saturation, she was suggested to reduce  the amount of oxygen, however the patient was noncompliance (noncompliant). 

Mr. Green have (has) been suffering from COPD since 2005, chronic hypertension,  anxiety and depression for which she is taking a variety of medication✔️. The  patient use to smoke (20 cigarettes daily) (patient is a heavy smoker). She lives alone and her sister meets her  occasionally (and socially isolated). The patient’s house was modified with installing some rails in the toilet and bathroom. !!!

 

 

I would appreciate it if you could assess Mrs. Green and provide further  management. 

Your sincerely 

Charge Nurse

*When did the patient undergo the surgery? (not mentioned)

**You did not mentioned the plan:

• Requires dressing change every 3 days for abdo wound

• Monitor anxiety & O2 usage

        

Purpose: 2/3

Content: 3/7 

Conciseness & Clarity: 4/7

Genre & Style: 4/7

Organisation & Layout: 5/7         

Language: 5/7                  

overall score ~ 250-300 Band C

 

 

 

[Siavash Zare]

Ms. Georgina ponsford,

Resident Community Nurse,

Community Retirement Home,

103 Light Streat,

Newtown,

11.02.2019 (10.02.2019)

Re: Mr. Lionel Ramamurthy,(a 63-year-old),

Dear Ms. Georgina Ponsford,

I am writing to update you about the treatment (of) Mr. Ramamurthy, who is being discharged today (tomorrow) which  is hospitalised in our hospital with pneumonia. (this sentence is Vague and wordy)

Suggestion: ….who has been under our care for the treatment of pneumonia and is due to be discharged tomorrow.

On admission day, (on) 04.02.2019, he admitted (presented) with acute breathless(ness) (dyspnea) , wheezing in his inspiratory (inspiration) and also expiratory (expiration), ( or: expiratory and inspiratory wheezing) fever, rigors, pain in both chest and abdomen. 

***too wordy

During hospitalization, he was assisted to have not only proper nutrition but also oral fluids (not only but also is not suitable for this sentence, use “and”!! ) . His movement was assisted by the physiotherapy (a physiotherapist), he (is) encouraged to do breathing and coughing exercises for better (for better what?). Mr. Ramamurthy (is) informed about the position of sitting to ensure (proper, we need an adj.) postural drainage. (instructed on correct sitting position to ensure proper postural drainage)

Regarding his discharge plan, he needs more helping (help) to monitor his diet. Moreover, he monitor if he has any pain in his chest or abdomen plus he needs to keep warm mean while his recovering. His chest and abdominal pain are need to be monitored

(please) Note that, Regarding his social and medical history, he has had (A) poor diet since his wife died and had 4 kilograms weight loss.

It would be greatly appreciated if you could take (give) him more assist(ance) and help. 

If you have any queries feel free to call me shortly .(any time) 

Yours sincerely,

Nurse

**هدف گذاری در رایتینگ به درستی انجام نشده، purpose ضعیف

** سیر بهبود بیمار اشاره ای نشده

** اشتباهات گرامری زیاد است

** استفاده غیر صحیح و بیجا از connective ها

**جملات به درستی با یکدیگر compound نشده اند.

** مفهوم جملات در پاره ای از موارد گنگ است

** conciseness & clarity ضعیف 

 

 

[Siavash Zare]

Mr. Maureen Martinson

Spirit Community Service

18 Tamborine Drive

QLD 4273

 

28 February 2019 

Dear Mr. Martinson

 

Re: Mr. Kenneth Phillips DOB: 05 May 1973

 

Thank you for seeing Mr. Martinson (Philips), a 53-year-old builder person, who was admitted to Spirit Hospital for (a) bilateral lung transplant. I am referring this patient to you for ongoing care.

** ”Thank you for seeing” is not an appropriate start for a letter of discharge. 

Suggestion: I am writing to provide detailed information regarding the treatment of Mr Philips…

 

✅Following the surgery, he stayed 10 days in ICU post-operation and 3 weeks in Thoracic Ward. He has been under our care in the Rehabilitation Ward since 15 February. During his hospitalization, he had (has) made good progress. Now, the patient is independent in walking and hygiene as well as daily activities. He breathes in room air without any difficulties related to the oxygen level. However, he is suffering from urinary incontinence occasionally leading to wearing a pull-up pad.

** “Leading to” is a clause of result.

Suggestion: he is suffering from occasional urinary incontinence in which he wears a pull-up pad

✅Regarding to his medical history, he has had interstitial lung disease since 2012 and takes some medications such as immunosuppressants and voriconazole as well as Panadol. Moreover, he is (also) advised by of a low listeria diet and thin fluids for which his appetite is well. ✴️Due to his pressure ulcer which occurred during his hospitalization, he requires changing his dressing in each 3-day period. (each 3 days or in 3-day cycles)

 

In terms of his living condition, although he resides alone, he gives (receives) good support from his younger sister and is able to self-medicate.

 

✅I would be really grateful if you could provide him with ongoing care as you feel appropriate. Should you require further information, please feel free to contact me.

 

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Ghasemi

 

Purpose: 2/3

Content: 4/7

Conciseness & Clarity: 5/7

Genre & Style: 5/7

Organisation & Layout: 5/7         

Language: 4/7                  

overall score ~ 300-350 Band C+

✍️Discharge plan (which is important in this type of letter) is not completely provided for the nurse:

1. Self-medicated (need supervision)

2. Monitor anxiety & O2 usage

 ✍️ The sentence marked with ✴️ needs to be written in the next paragraph as it’s a part of ongoing care

 

 

 

 

 

[Siavash Zare]

Nursing Director

North West Transition Care Program Community Service

12 West Street Northbridge, QLD, 4543

10 February 2019

Dear Sir / Madam 

 

Re: Ms. Bronwyn Green (DOB: 15 March 1950)

 

The purpose of this letter is to introduce Ms. Greem, a widow patient who is presently recovering after (a) right hemicolectomy and requires ongoing care in her home. She is scheduled to get (be) discharged tomorrow.✔️

*it is not common in formal writing to write “get discharged”, although it is grammatically correct. Another alternative to this sentence is: “She is due to be discharged tomorrow”

 

Initially, she presented to us on 18 Jun 2019 with a diagnosis of a low-grade adenocarcinoma and underwent the surgery✔️. Her recovery has been promising; however, currently, she is not able to walk without a single-point stick and still (full stop) .experiences incontinence of urine occasionally because of which she wears pull–up pads✔️. In addition, she has been suffering from anxiety and depression as well as (a) low level of oxygen saturation in room air; therefore, her usage of oxygen and mood need to be monitored after discharge.✔️

*“Currently, she is not able to walk without a single-point stick” could be rephrased as “she currently requires a single-point stick to walk”

**“incontinence of urine occasionally because of which she wears pull up pads” could be rephrased as “she occasionally experiences urinary incontinence, which requires her to wear pull-up pads“

Regarding her living condition, although she is alone at home, her sister and a community service (carer) whose name is Meals on Wheels have been (are) supporting her in shopping and cleaning (daily activities).✔️

*Meals on Wheels: meals delivered to old people or invalids who cannot cook for themselves.

 

Her medical history is remarkable for a COPD, HTN and as I mentioned anxiety and depression. She is also has been using home oxygen 1 liter via the nasal prongs. The names of all her medications have been attached for your perusal.✔️

 

Worthy notes (It is worth noting) that her abdominal wound dressing requires to be changed once a three-day period. (once every three days)✔️

*worthy note (adj): It is worthy to note that…

It would be greatly appreciated if you could take over the management of this patient and provide care to maintain her dignity and improve her quality of life. Should you require further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.✔️

 

Yours Sincerely 

Charge Nurse Ghasemi

 

**Excellent! Despite some grammatical errors, you did a great job. using a variety of sentence structures, vocabulary, and phrasal verbs is remarkable.

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 5/7

• Clarity 6/7

• Genre & Style 6/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 6/7

Overall: B+ (400 – 450)
@maryam-ghasemi19950129 

 

 

[Siavash Zare]

10/02/2019

Nursing West Transition

Care Program Community Service

12west St Northbridge

Qld 4543

Dear Nurse

Re:Ms Browyn Green,DOB:15/03/1950

I am writing to request ongoing care for Ms. Green, a 69-year-old woman widow (or widowed woman)  who was admitted to North West Hospital and underwent a hemicolectomy following a low-grade adenocarcinoma. (She is due to be discharged tomorrow)

Following the operation, the patient spent 10 days in ICU and has been under our care in the rehabilitation ward for (another) 10 days. However the patient is able to walk with SPS. However, she requires supervision. the patient has made steady progress and her appetite has increased. she still wears pull-up pad for incontinence of urine on (some) occasions. (or use occasionally)

Regarding her discharge plan : (,) home modification has been completed. the patient lives alone but patient’s (her) sister lives in (the) same area who (and) wills escourt the patient to home and she uses community services. (*too wordy)

The patient is able to self medication (self-medicate) but* for her abdominal wound dressing requires changing (to be changed) every 3 days. her oxygen use and her anxiety need to be monitored.

Regarding her medical history : (,) she was diagnosed with COPD(since in 2005) and HTN (since in 1994). she (has) also is (been) suffering from anxiety and depression for (the last) 5 years. she has been (a) smoker for 20 years which (But) she stopped recently.

With regard to her medication for full details, please see the attached medication chart.

(“For full details regarding her medication, …”)

I would greatly appreciated for ongoing care this patient, if you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

(“I would greatly appreciate your ongoing care for this patient.”)

Yours Sincerely

Nurse

*it is not mentioned when the patient is going to be discharged.
** incorrect use of “conjunctions” in complex sentences

*** Grammatical errors

• Purpose 2/3

• Content 5/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7
  
  Overall: 270-320 band C

@Shadi 

[Siavash Zare]

07/03/2019

Jane Hudson

Psychologist Toohey Medical Center

243 Marsall Rd

Toohey Hill 

Qld4536

Dear Mr. Hudson

Re: Alice Cooper, DOB: 14/06/2009

I am writing to request (an) assessment for Alice, a 10-year-old student who has regular absences from The school due to her father’s death and possible having psychological (having possible psychological disease) disease.

*Let’s rephrase this sentence: “I am writing to request an assessment for Alice, a 10-year-old student who has been missing school regularly due to the loss of her father and a potential psychological disease.”

 

However Alice started school well in years 1 and 2 (first and second years), but she has concentrating problems from (since)  grade 3, dating back to (the) time of (her) father’s death.

*two contrast conjunction used.

**Let’s rephrase this paragraph: “Alice performed well in her first two years of school, but she has experienced difficulties with concentration since the beginning of grade 3, which may be related to the passing of her father.”

or:
“Although Alice had a good start in her first two years of school, she has faced challenges with maintaining focus since grade 3, which can be traced back to the time when her father passed away.”

Since that time, Alice has (had) different complaints including headache, stomach, aching leg, toothache, and feeling nauseous, that (and) for this reason I had to call (her) grandmother for (to) pick her up. Alice has few friends and her participation activity has (been) limited, (.) her self-esteem has decreased.

**Let’s rephrase this paragraph: “Following her father’s death, Alice has experienced various physical complaints, such as headaches, stomachaches, leg pain, toothaches, and nausea, which have required me to contact her grandmother to pick her up from school. In addition, Alice’s social interactions have been limited, and her self-esteem has decreased.”

 

According to her mother‘s statement, Alice is withdrawn at home and has an unhealthy diet. She has been close to her father for whom cries due to missing. 

**Let’s rephrase this paragraph: “According to her mother’s statement, Alice is withdrawn at home and has an unhealthy diet. Alice is known to be particularly close to her father and often cries due to missing him.”

 

Regarding her medical history, she is suffering from eczema on (her) hands and mild asthma for which she uses ointment and (a) ventolin inhaler respectively. ✔️nice. It is worthy to note that her BMI is 21(overweight) *rephrase: “It is worthy to note that Alice’s BMI is 21, which falls into the overweight category”*

I  would greatly appreciate your assessment for this student. if you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely   

Nurse

* incorrect use of “conjunctions” in complex sentences

** Grammatical errors

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 5/7

Overall: 300-330 band C+

@Shadi

 

 

[Siavash Zare]

Community Health Nurse

Eastern Community Health Centre

456 East Street

Centreville

 

22 January 2019

 

Re: Mr. Peter Dunbar

 

Dear Madam/Sir

 

The purpose of this letter is to refer (the) above-captioned patient, a diabetic person who is presently recovery(ing) from myocardial infarction followed by an arterial fibrillation and requires ongoing management from you. He is moving to your city to live with his daughter.✔️

• “a diabetic person who is presently recovery” – “recovery” should be “recovering” to match the present continuous tense and convey ongoing action.

 

On (in) September 2017, he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and the doctor recommended that he should consider some lifestyle modifications such as having (maintaining) (a) healthy diet and increasing physical activity; **however, he has been (was) commenced on metformin tablets in the next (in following) month because of high blood glucose level and his poor adherence to doctor’s advice. In addition, he presented to us on (in) Jun 2018 and a myocardial infarction has been revealed (was revealed) through an ECG after which the patient was diagnosed with arterial fibrillation as I mentioned and pertinent medication has commenced (has been prescribed) for him.✔️

** There is no contrast between the two sentences, though the use of “however” is not correct.

• “On September 2017” – “On” should be replaced with “In” to indicate the month and year.

• “lifestyle modification such as having healthy diet” – “having healthy diet” should be “maintaining a healthy diet” to convey the ongoing action.

• “he has been commenced” – “has been commenced” should be “was commenced” to match the past tense.

• “metformin tablets in the next month” – “in the next month” should be “the following month” to indicate the immediate chronological order.

• “on Jun 2018” – “on” should be replaced with “in” to indicate the month.

• “and a myocardial infarction has been revealed” – “has been revealed” should be “was revealed” to match the past tense.

• “as I mentioned and pertinent medication has commenced for him” – “as I mentioned” is unnecessary and can be removed. “commenced” should be replaced with “been prescribed” to accurately describe the medication process.

 

Although he has been advised to refrain from fat(s), salt, and sugar as well as alcohol and has experienced some complications related to high blood sugar such as depression, he is not compliant with his diet and even his taking medication (or taking medication) on time with (the) correct dose which are his risk factors and he claims that he requires continued monitoring, encouragement and alteration of his medication and dietary. ✔️*(this statement is unclear ,too long and too wordy. Better to rephrase this paragraph into 2 or 3 sentences)

 

It is worthy (worth) to note that her (his) daughter, who is going to cook for him, requires education regarding obtaining (providing) appropriate food and observing him ( his condition).✔️

• “It is worthy to note that her daughter” – “worthy” should be “worth” 

I have attached all pertinent information include(ing) the name and dose of his medication for your perusal.✔️

 

It would be appreciated if you could take over the management of this patient and provide ongoing monitoring to maintain his health and improve the quality of his life.✔️

 

Yours Sincerely 

Maryam

 

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 4/7

• Clarity 5/7

• Genre & Style 6/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

Overall: B (350-380)

 

 

@mar

 

 

 

[Siavash Zare]

21/03/2020

Dietitian

Department OF Nutrition and Dietitian

Spirit Hospital

Prayer town Nsw

Dear Ms Manfres

Re:Ms Nina Sharman,DOB:09/02/1959

I am writing to request an assessment of Ms. Sharman, a 61-year-old single woman who requires your urgent assessment of (her) swallowing function and nutritional status due to a high risk of aspiration.✔️

The patient is a new resident of dementia specific unit under our care. She has experienced an episode of choking on a piece of food due to possibility food not chewed properly ( , possibly due to inadequate chewing. ), *but currently after the treatment, her vital signs and blood sugar level are all within normal limits. (*non-relevant content)

Regarding her medical history, the patient was diagnosed with ischemia and diabetes merits as well as osteoarthritis of both knees. She has also been suffering from dementia (for) since 2 years previously (for the past two years) which she has limited her understanding.(“which has significantly impacted her understanding”

✍️ بهتر بود در مورد مشکل قلبی و پوکی استخوان و … به دلیل اهمیت کمتر در انتهای رایتینگ صحبت بشه. در نامه های urgent ترتیب مطالب مهم، بیشتر حایز اهمیت است. مخاطب نامه یک dietitian هست و مواردی که مربوط به جوبیدن و بلعیدن، اضافه وزن، اشتها ، گوارش و … اهمیت دارد

 

It’s worthy to note** It is important to note that she has experienced a weight gain of 10kg over the past 5 months and currently her BMI is 30 which falls into the overweight category.

The patient is also complaining of chronic constipation for which she uses laxatives as required.

Please note that the patient has no teeth and she has upper and lower dentures but she refuses to wear them on some occasions due to being confusion (or being confused). she has no known allergies to medication or foods.

I would greatly appreciate your assessment for (of) this patient, if you have (need) any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely

Registered Nurse

Dementia Specific Unit

• Purpose 2/3
• Content 3/7 Some relevant info are missed, and some irrelevant are included
• Clarity 4/7 some sentences could be further simplified or clarified to improve overall clarity.
• Genre & Style 5/7
• Organization and layout 4/7 the flow and order of information should be improved
• Language 4/7 there is room for improvement in terms of grammar and word choice.

Overall: C (300)

@Shadi

 

[Siavash Zare]

11/09/2019

Goodiwindi Health Center

208River Tce

Goodwin

QLD4235

Dear Nurse

Re: Mr. Bill O’Reilly, DoB:12/01/1960

1.I am writing to request ongoing monitoring for Mr. O’Riley, a 59-year-old single man who was admitted to Sprit Hospital Brisbane and underwent a coronary artery bypass graft following obstructive coronary artery disease. He is due to be discharged tomorrow.✔️perfect

2.Following (the) operation, the patient has been under our care in the coronary care unit, and he* has made a routine recovery and** . His surgical wounds appear to be healing well and he is walking well. (and he is able to walk without any issues.) ✔️

* if you use the same subject pronoun in a compound sentence, you don’t need to mention it again unless the subject pronoun or the tense change.

** 1 paragraph, 1 sentence with 4 “and”s. Never compound more than two sentences. Use a full stop (.) and then start the new sentence.

3.Due to a history of (an) unhealthy diet,heavy smoker (smoking) , and heavy alcohol (excessive alcohol consumption) , the patient was advised to a low-fat diet by a Dietitian, to stop smoking and to reduce alcohol consumption perspective. The patient (was) commenced*** physiotherapy and was also advised to avoid any heavy lifting.

*** Use passive voice

4. Regarding his medical history, the patient was diagnosed with hypertension for which he takes metoprolol. Her BMI is 34 which falls into the obese category.✔️

5. It’s worthy to note that the patient is non-compliance with exercise and (the/his) dietary regime that for this reason (for which) requiring (requires) monitor him closely (close monitorin).

6. Please note that a follow-up visit appointment to local general practitioner has been scheduled for 15/09/2015.✔️

7. I would greatly appreciate your ongoing care for this patient, if you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.✔️

Yours sincerely

Lee Wang

Charge Nurse

• Purpose 3/3
• Content 5/7
• Clarity 5/7
• Genre & Style 5/7
• Organization and layout 4/7
• Language 4/7

Overall: B (350 – 370)

✍️Suggestion: work on the grammatical error mentioned above and you will be able to perfectly write a band B OET writing😊

@Shadi

 

 

[Siavash Zare]

15 July 2018
Ms Nita Roberts
In-Home Nursing Service
79 Beachside street
Bayview

Dear Ms Roberts,

Re: Mrs Jasmine Thompson, aged 75

I am writing to refer Mrs. Jasmine Thompson, who is recovering after a right total (total right) shoulder replacement,(and) requires further care and assistance following her discharge today.

*better to put a full stop (.) after “replacement” and start the new sentence: . She requires further care …

Mrs. Thompson is a widow and lives alone. She has been diagnosed with right shoulder osteoarthritis, for which(1) she was on a treatment which(2) was ineffective*.she had chronic shoulder pain with decreased movement, and (was) unable to carry out her routine activities.

*Do no use to 2 or more conjunction in complex sentences.

On 11 July 2018, Mrs Thompson was admitted to the hospital and underwent the procedure successfully. Postoperatively, her x-ray confirmed the surgical shoulder’s position and her pain was controlled with analgesics. She has been initiated with exercises as per TSR protocol which includes elbow, hand, neck range of movement and pendular shoulder exercise. a part (apart) from that, a cold compression shoulder brace and cryo cuff were provided every fourth hourly (every four hours). Today, Mrs Thompson was educated regarding (with) the care after discharge.

In addition, she was advised to avoid lifting for four weeks and continue arm sling for one month. Her wound is clean and dry. she has made good progress.
It would be apprecitaded if you could assist Mrs. Thompson for (with) her daily routine activities. It is important to administer injection clexane subcutaneously for four days in order to prevent deep vein thrombosis. Please refer to community hydrotherapy for one (once) in a week. Her follow-up appointment with orthopedic joint replacement ? for staple removal (is) scheduled after ten days in the outpatient department.

If (you have) any concerns, please contact the specialist nurse from Monday to Friday. Kindly note, her daughter will be there (where?) for one month. If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Registered Nurse

• Purpose 2/3

• Content 5/7

• Clarity 5/7

• Genre & Style 6/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7  

Overall: 350 

Band-Score: B

@haj-amir

[Siavash Zare]

 ▇ errors     ▇ suggestions

Dear Mr Jane Hudson,

Re: Ms Alice Cooper, Aged 10  

I am writing to refer Alice, a 10-year-old student in grade 5  who has a provisional diagnosis of psychological problems following her father‘s death on (in) September of 2018. she is scheduled to be referred to you and requires your further assessment and investigation.✅well done

Socially, Alice is the middle child of her family and she lives with her mother and 2 (two) siblings. Her mother is a bank manager and works full-time. Therefore, her grandmother , who lives near her school, is taking care of Alice during her mother‘s absence.✅

Initially, Alice started to being absent (began being absent) from school after the time of her father‘s death on a gradual onset in 2018. Subsequently, during (over) the last 2 years, she has complained of several physical conditions including headache, toothache, nausea, as well as eczema on her hands, which were not relieved by medication. consequently, her grandmother was called to pick her up regularly. Regarding her medical condition, she has a history of mild asthma and eczema on her hands, for which she has commenced on ventolin inhaler and ointment respectively. However, the ointment is not effective. (has proven to be ineffective)✅✅

Regarding her school performance , she has had (faced) difficulties in concentrating and participating in activities since her 3rd (third) grade of school. Moreover, Alice seems to have a low self-esteem due to being teased by her classmates for having eczema and being obese. Her mother is also anxious for the reason of her daughter is  becoming withdrawal at home and agrees reffering Alice to you . (her mother is concerned about Alice’s increasing withdrawal at home and is in agreement with referring Alice to you.)

In view of the above, it would be greatly appreciated if you could provide further (comprehensive) assessment and investigation.

Should you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 

Yours sincerely,

School Nurse

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 5/7

• Genre & Style 6/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7  

Overall: 380 – 400

Band-Score: B

@345848049009
@شیرین آردفروش

 

 

[Siavash Zare]

 ▇ errors     ▇ suggestions

Dear Ms  Malia Manford ,

RE:Ms NINA Sharman / aged 61

 

I am writing regarding Ms. Sharman, a 61-year-old single female resident of our Dementia Specific Unit who requires your urgent assessment of her swallowing and nutritional status due to a high-risk episode of aspiration yesterday.✅well-structured

 

On 20 March, 2020, after five days of (five days after being diagnosed… or five days prior to) the diagnosis of chest infection and commencing on some antibiotics, Ms. Sharman experienced an episode of chocking (choking) on a piece of food (while eating) and turned blue due to being reluctant to wear her entire both dentures following her dementia issue**. Subsequently, some urgent treatment and assessment were done and ultimately her vital signs became in (returned to) the normal range.

** too wordy (long sentence), suggestion:
Ms. Sharman experienced a choking episode while eating, during which she turned blue. This incident occurred as she was reluctant to wear both sets of her dentures due to her dementia.

 

Regarding her medical history, she has been diagnosed with severe dementia following experiencing an episode of stroke since 2018. Moreover, she has been suffering from second type (type 2) of diabetes mellitus since 2008 for which she has been only on a diabetic diet. Please note that she has a BMI of 30 and has gained 10 kg of weight over the that last five months due to increasing appetite (and increased appetite). She has also been suffering from chronic constipation for which the laxative has been prescribed as needed.

 

Socially, she has not any (does not have any) history of smoking and (or) drinking. It is important to note that she is under (the protection of) the Australian Guardianship and Administration Council protection.

 

In view (light *it is more common in formal writing) of the above, It would be greatly appreciated if you could urgently assess her swallowing and nutritional status.

 

Should you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 

Yours sincerely,

Registered Nurse

 

 

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7  

Band-Score: B

@345848049009

 

[Siavash Zare]

@pooria-khdp73gmail-com لطفا رایتینگ بالا را برسی بفرمایید

[Siavash Zare]

 

▇ errors     ▇ suggestions

Dear Ms. Jasmine Beetson

Re: Mrs Maeve Greenson / Aged 63

 

I am writing to introduce Mrs. Greenson, a 63-year-old widowed female who was admitted to our hospital due to (after) falling at home following the signs and symptoms of dehydration, nausea, as well as severe discomfort one week ago (better to write these details in the next paragraph). She is scheduled to be transferred to Glen Haven Hospital today and will require your palliative care and support.

 

During Mrs. Greenson’s hospitalization, her pain got asymptomatic (she became asymptomatic) following commencing on a high dosage of painkillers and she could just (only) tolerate fluids. Moreover, she is disoriented (present disorientation) and seems (appears) to be depressed due to (as a result of) her poor recovery process. Furthermore, she is suffering from bladder incontinence.

 

In terms of her medical history, she has been diagnosed with metastatic cancer of the lower intestine for 6 months, for which the radiation therapy was done (performed) for six weeks.** However, she has a poor prognosis and might not survive for more than 4 months.

**She underwent six weeks of radiation therapy for this condition. 

 

Socially, she is living alone for the reason of (after) her husband’s death in 2015. she does not have any (she has no) children and her brother, Mr Chester Hewson, is just supporting her.

 

*rephrase:
Socially, Mrs. Greenson has been living alone since the passing of her husband in 2015. She does not have any children, and her primary source of support is her brother, Mr. Chester Hewson

 

Please note that Mrs Greenson’s brother has contacted with (has been in contact with) the social worker to provide (arrange) a palliative care for her. she is scheduled to be admitted in (to) your center today.

 

It would be greatly appreciated if you could provide a respectful and comfortable place for her and kindly **try to relieve her discomfort if needed. (**and kindly attend to any discomfort she may experience)

 

If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 

Yours sincerely,

Registered Nurse

 

 

• Purpose 2/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 5/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7  

Band-Score: B

 

 

@345848049009

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrase

Dear Nurse

Re: Mr Bill O’Riley, DOB: 12 Jan 1960

 

I am writing to introduce this patient, a 59-year-old man who was diagnosed with obstructive coronary artery disease. He underwent a coronary bi-pass graft and is due to be discharged tomorrow following an uneventful post-operative phase.✅well done

 

Regarding his (lifestyle) habits, he usually eats (consumes) fast-foods and has a poor physical activity (with a BMI of 34.3). another thing to mention is that (not professional: Additionally, he is… ) he is a heavy smoker and alcohol user (consumer).He has a history of hypertension for which he takes metoprolol.

 

On (upon) discharge, the patient was advised to stick on (to) a healthy diet and increase fluid intake. He has been also (also been) suggested to do (moderate) exercise ,but strenuous ones should be avoided.  The importance of smoke cessation and reducing alcohol consumption was noted.

 

Although (while) the post-operative cares were mentioned (have been provided), there is a concern of (regarding) the patient’s poor compliance ,so I would appreciate it if you could visit him regularly to check his adherence. An appointment for follow up was (is) scheduled with Dr. Avril Jensen on 15 September at 2 in the afternoon (pm).

 

Please, Do not hesitate to contact me if you need any further information.

 

Sincerely,

Nurse

• Purpose 2/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 5/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7  

Overall: 330 – 350

Band-Score: C+,B

 

Rephrased:
I am writing to introduce this patient, a 59-year-old man who has been diagnosed with obstructive coronary artery disease. He underwent a coronary bypass graft and is due to be discharged tomorrow following an uneventful postoperative phase.

 

In terms of his habits, he typically consumes fast food and has a low level of physical activity (with a BMI of 34.3). Additionally, he is a heavy smoker and alcohol user. He has a history of hypertension for which he takes metoprolol.

 

Upon discharge, the patient was advised to adhere to a healthy diet and increase fluid intake. He was also encouraged to engage in exercise, although strenuous activities should be avoided. The importance of smoking cessation and reducing alcohol consumption was emphasized.

 

While the post-operative care instructions were provided, there is concern about the patient’s poor compliance. Therefore, I would appreciate it if you could visit him regularly to monitor his adherence. An appointment for a follow-up has been scheduled with Dr. Avril Jensen on September 15 at 2 o’clock in the afternoon.

 

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require any further information.

 

Sincerely,

@Fresh_Fgh