[Siavash Zare]

𝓦𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓒𝓸𝓻𝓻𝓮𝓬𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrase

Re: Branwyn Green, DOB: 15 March 1950

I am writing regarding Ms.Green, a 69-year-old widow who was admitted to our hospital due to a low-grade adenocarcinoma. She needs your further care and support after a hemicolectomy on 20 January 2019.✅well done

During hospitalization, she had been staying (stayed or had stayed)  in an (the) Intensive care unit for 10 days therefore* (subsequently), she has (had) been transferred (or was transferred) to a rehabilitation ward for approximately two weeks. The Patient’s recovery has been promising, and his mood and appetite have been increased (improved). She has occasional urine incontinence therefore, she uses pull-up pads. While Ms. Green is able to walk with a Single-point stick, she requires supervision.✅

*”Therefore” suggests a conclusion or consequence resulting from what was previously mentioned, which might not be the intended connection in this context.

Regarding her medical and social history, she was diagnosed with hypertension in 1994 and COPD in 2005, for which she takes amlodipine 5 mg in the morning and various types of inhalers respectively. She has been suffering from depression since 2014 and uses oxazepam 15 mg at night and citalopram 10 mg in the morning. The Patient lives alone, but she benefits from her sister’s assistance. Although she had been a smoker for 20 years, she has stopped smoking recently.✅

In view of the above, it would be greatly appreciated if you could provide stress and 02 monitoring. Please wound redressing strongly is recommended each 3 days.(Additionally, we strongly recommend wound redressing every three days.) should you require further information, feel free to contact me.

Yours Sincerely 

Nurse

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7  

Overall: 370 – 380

 

 

@patoonastaranyahoo-com

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrase

Dear Ms Manfred

Re: Ms Nina Sharman, DOB: 9 Feb 1959

 

I am writing to introduce this patient, a 61-year-old single woman with a diagnosis of severe dementia who requires urgent assessment due to a high risk of aspiration.✔️well done

 Ms Sharman is a new resident of our dementia unit and has been under our supervision for her confusion and disorientation. Recently, her appetite has increased and she has gained 10 kg over the last 5 months ( BMI:30). Additionally, she suffers from constipation for which she takes laxatives as required.✔️well done

Last night she had (experienced) an episode of choking on a piece of food which might be due to unchewed food* (Which might have been due to unchewed food) as Ms Sharman sometimes refuses to wear dentures. Appropriate nursing assessment and treatment have been provided and her condition and vital signs are normal now.✔️

 *Rephrased: Last night, Ms. Sharman experienced an episode of choking on a piece of food, potentially caused by inadequately chewed food.

Please note that she has a history of type 2 diabetes and she is on a diabetic diet. Additionally, she has no allergies to medications or food. ✔️

 

I would be grateful if you could see Ms Sharman at your earliest convenience for an assessment of swallowing function and nutritional status.✔️

 

Please do not hesitate to contact me, if you require any further information.✔️

Sincerely,

Fereshte Faghihi

Nurse

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 6/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

Overall: (420) Band: B+

@Fresh_Fgh

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrase

I am writing regarding Mr.Gale, an 85-year-old widow who was admitted to our hospital due to a fall on 10/5/2021. Today he is going to be discharged and needs your further care and support. ✔️well done

On admission, he was confused and disoriented, and he stated while he was brushing his teeth, he felt weak and fell backward.He has (had) been lying on the floor for approximately five hours until his neighbour called an ambulance. Initially his vital signs were puls:86, temperature:38.1, blood pressure: 155/80, and respiration:26. Based on examination the cause of (the) fall was possible (febrile) urinary tract infection.
*According to the case notes, he had a febrile urinary tract infection, leading to weakness and subsequent fall.

** Her primary vital signs are not important in our letter. Instead, it is crucial to highlight the occurrence of vomiting, palpitations, and dysuria two weeks before this incident, aspects not addressed in your letter.

During hospitalization, he was prescribed IV antibiotics such as amoxicillin 750 mg each eight hours, and his vital signs were normal.

In terms of his medical and social history, he was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in 2003 and hypertension in 2009, for which he takes paracetamol 1000 mg every six hours and Felodipine 5 mg daily, respectively. He lives alone, and he smokes ten cigarettes per day. ✔️well done

In view of the above, it would be greatly appreciated if you could monitor him as he lives alone, and . He still has the confusion episodes. Kindly 30 minutes (of) physical activities every day is recommended. If you require further information, don’t hesitate to contact me.
*”Please consider incorporating 30 minutes of daily physical activity.”

Yours sincerely 

 

• Purpose 2/3

• Content 3/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

Overall: (310) 

C+

@patoonastaranyahoo-com

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrase

Dear Nurse 

Re: Patricia Styles, DOB:27 April 1957

✅I am writing to introduce Ms.Styles, a 62-year-old widow with a diagnosis of possible relapse pericarditis, who requires your urgent assessment due to unimproved complications.

✅Last week, the patient was admitted to a? (our/the) hospital with malaise and sharp and pleuritic chest pain which got worse (was getting worse / intensifying) on (with) breathing. She was febrile and had tachycardia. A full blood examination was performed which detected ESR, CRP, and WCC increase (detecting an increase in ESR, CRP, and WCC). While her chest x-ray was normal, her throat swap showed viral influenza type B. ✔️well done She was treated with IV saline and ibuprofen and she was* discharged with advice on self-care at home on 25 August 2019.

*When you have a compound sentence, you can often remove the second “subject” and “auxiliary verb”: She was treater and she was discharged ⏭️ she was treated and discharged

✅Today, she had a nurse visit, and she stated that although she is compliant with her medication, she has been suffering from fatigue, shortness of breath, and chest pain, which is (were) relieved by sitting up.✔️well done Her vital signs revealed fever, tachycardia, and increased breathing, and **. Her blood pressure was 125/78, which is below her normal (140/90). In addition, she feels unwell and unhappy.

** Do not prolong the sentence with several “and”. Full stop and then write the new sentence…

✅Regarding her medical and social history, she has had (has) hypertension and diabetes mellitus, for which she takes quinapril 80 mg, metformin 1000 mg, and gliclazide 30 mg daily. she was diagnosed with depression in 2016 following her husband’s death and benefits from regular counseling. She lives alone and drinks 1-2 glasses of wine per week. 

It would be greatly appreciated if you could provide an urgent investigation (assessment). If you require further information, feel free to contact me.

Yours Sincerely 

Nurse

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

Overall: (400) 

B

@patoonastaranyahoo-com

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrase

✅I’m writing to provide detailed information regarding Mr. Lionel Ramamurthy, a 63-year-old widower who was admitted on 04 Feb 2019 complaining of pneumonia, and he is due to be discharged back into your care tomorrow.✔️well done

✅Mr. Ramamurthy reported acute shortness of breath, wheezing, fever, rigors, and sleeplessness (When? Where? On the admission day). He was suffering from chest and abdominal pain due to prolonged coughing as well. On admission (should be at the first of paragraph), he felt very weak and mobilized with a frame only for short distances, So he required (requiring) some assistance with his daily activities.

✅The patient has been suffering from type 2 diabetes although* he could control it by his diet, and he has also (been) diagnosed with osteoarthritis and COPD. He underwent removal cataract surgery 6 months ago.

*although: conveys contrast and is not a proper linking word
Rephrase: The patient has been managing type 2 diabetes through diet and has also been diagnosed with osteoarthritis and COPD. 

✅During hospitalization, despite** Mr. Ramamurthy has (being) stabilized and his breathing symptoms has been resolved,  he has (had) some chest and abdominal pain followed by (a) dry cough. He could*** gain weight on his dietitian plan. (He gained some weight)

**Despite: use -ing form: despite being stabilized…

*** Could: implies possibility

✅Please note that Taking Paracetamol and keeping warm would be beneficial to ease his pain. To ensure postural drainage, instruct him to sit instead of lying down. Encourage him to take oral fluid and stay on his dietitian’s advice. Inform the patient that he should present at the physiotherapist to ambulate and undergo chest physiotherapy (deep breathing and coughing exercises) as per recommendation. He requires to following check-up due to his eye surgery.

“He needs to schedule a follow-up appointment for his eye surgery.”

Should you require any query (queries), please do not hesitate to contact me.

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

Overall: (360) 

B

 

 

@Amir.alavi

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrase

 

✅Thank you for accepting Mr. Peter Dunbar, an 87-year-old widower who is moving to Centreville to live with his daughter. He requires your ongoing monitoring and encouragement for his diabetic condition and an accurate diet.✔️Perfect

 

✅Mr Dunbar has been suffering from type 2 diabetes for which (he is) taking metformin 500 mg, but he is non-compliant with both diet and medication. The patient misses or doubles (the) dose (of) all his medications due to his poor memory. Other his medications is (are/include) Ramipril, Warfarin, and Sotslol. He walks with a stick due to diabetic neuropathy and restricted mobility.

✅After his wife deceased, he experienced depression, grieve (grief: noun), and unmotivation. He consumed (consumes*) excessive fat, salt, sugar, and alcohol as well. He took (usually) (takes*) meal delivery service or self-catering at (the) time. On June 2018, the patient (was) hospitalized complaining** of (an) MI, and he*** was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation post-MI.

*Use simple present tense when writing facts
** “The patient hospitalized complaining of MI” – The verb “complain” is not suitable because the MI diagnosis was made by the medical team, not the patient. We can rephrase the sentence as below:

“In June 2018, the patient was hospitalized with complaints indicative of a myocardial infarction (MI), and he was subsequently diagnosed with atrial fibrillation post-MI.”

*** “he” is better to be removed as both sentences have the same subject.

✅Please note that Mr Dunbar’s daughter is going to cook for him and help his father meet his needs.

I would appreciate it if you provide their educational needs and monitor him for his progress. Your experties (expertise) and encouragement would be beneficial.

Should you (have) any further queries, do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely,

Nurse

Lot’s of minor grammatical errors 🥴

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 3/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

Overall: (350) borderline

B

@Amir.alavi

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrase

Dear Doctor 

Re: Marilyn Johnson, DOB;4/06/02

✅Thank you for seeing Mr.Johnson, a 27-year-old woman who was admitted to our hospital with a ruptured tubal ectopic pregnancy on 20/06/2019. She is due to be discharged today following a diagnostic laparoscopy and needs your further care and support.✔️well done

✅On admission, she suffered (presented) from abdominal discomfort, vaginal bleeding, lethargy, and shoulder pain. She was (appeared) pale and had peritoneal guarding. Her serum hcg was checked and indicated 1800 IU/L. She was at eight weeks pregnancy (pregnant) with no (ultrasound) scan performed.

During hospitalization, a TV ultrasound and a diagnostic laparoscopy was (were) performed, which detected an empty uterine cavity, hemoperitoneum, and a leaking left tubal pregnancy, respectively. She had a left salpingectomy therefore (consequently), wound dressing and cleaning were done regularly. ✅Her vital signs are (remain) within normal range (now?), and her recovery has been promising. She takes painkillers as needed.

✅Regarding her medical and family history, she had an appendectomy thirteen years ago and an early abortion four years ago. I should note that she is allergic to penicillin. Her mother passed away with (from) ovarian cancer aged 49 (at the age of 49)

✅The patient is concerned regarding a new pregnancy, possibly she needs counseling. She was advised to avoid intercourse for two months and pregnancy for three months. As her future pregnancy is high risk, she needs HCG level monitoring, an early ultrasound scan, and folic acid supplements.

✅It would be greatly appreciated if you could arrange HCG monitoring, further care, and assessment for her. If you need more information, feel free to contact me.

Yours sincerely 

Charge Nurse

Total Words: approx 300!: The highlighted sentences are not helpful (irrelevant) according to the writing task or are repeated.

Article Errors

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 3/7

• Clarity 5/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 4/7

Overall: (340) 

C+

@patoonastaranyahoo-com

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

 

1✅Thank you for seeing Mrs. Sharma, a 60-year-old diabetic patient who is concerned about her poor-controlled diabetes and requires your further management. 

 

2✅Regarding her family and medical history, she has a strong family history of type 2 diabetes and has also had type 2 diabetes since 1999 for which she takes metformin and glipizide.

3✅Initially, on 29/12/2018, she attended to my clinic concerning (concerned) about her poor-controlled diabetes with a level of 6-18 for her blood sugar level. (with her blood sugar levels ranging from 6 to 18.) On examination, her BMI was 24 and her blood pressure was elevated at 155/100. The remainder of the examination was unremarkable. 

4✅Two weeks later, she returned to discuss the requested test results. The test results revealed deranged lipid profiles and a raised HBA1C at 10%. As a result, I changed metformin to 750 mg two times a day and commenced Lipito 20 mg daily with a continuation of glipizide 5mg twice a day. 

5✅Today, she came to review the recently requested tests (which). The last tests showed an improvement in the lipid profile and (while*) the fasting (blood) sugar was 16 levels above the normal range with a (non-fasting)  blood sugar of 7-8 (ranging from 7 to 8) . Therefore, I planned to refer her to an Endocrinologist (you).  

* (Positive clause) + while +(negative clause)  OR  Although + (Positive clause), (negative clause)

6✅I would appreciate it if you could assess her and provide further treatment as you deem appropriate.  Should you require further information,  please to do note 🤨 hesitate to contact me. 

 

Yours sincerely, 

 

Doctor

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)  

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Mr. Kenneth Philips (Date of birth:05/05/1973)

 

1✅I am writing to request ongoing care and management for Mr. Philips, a 43(-year-old) divorced male who had interstitial lung disease and underwent bilateral lung transplant surgery on 20 Jan 2019 and is scheduled to be discharged today.

 

4✅Mr. Philips lives alone in a unit with 5 stairs and receives good support from his sister. He also has a son in the UK (not relevant). The patient wants to return to work as soon as possible. (*better to put this paragraph in the end before the request)

 

2✅Mr. Phillips first was diagnosed with interstitial lung disease in 2012 and was admitted to Spirit Hospital on 20 Jan 2019 for bilateral lung transplant surgery. After the operation, he was transported to the ICU and spent 10 days in that ward. The patient was transported to the thoracic ward on 20 Jan 2019 and to the rehabilitation ward on 15 Feb 2019 the where he received oxygen therapy for shortness of breath and wound dressing for a pressure ulcer on his coccyx.

 

3✅The patient is scheduled to be discharged on 28 Feb 2019 (today). at this time🔁(currently) he is independent in his activity of daily living, walking(?) with a good appetite and (**need adjective) wound healing. The patient can consume his medication but needs supervision and a list of his medication chart is attached to his letter.

**Proper/successful wound healing

 

5✅It would be greatly appreciated if you could ensure adherence to the recommended medication regime, changing wound degassing every three days and also monitoring his anxiety and oxygen saturation level.

Should you have any further inquiries please do not hesitate to contact me

Yours sincerely

***low listeria diet and thin fluids?

 

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 4/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (380)  

@ehsankch77gmail-com

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Kevin Brown, DOB: 2 July 2012

1✅I am writing to introduce Kevin Brown, an 8-year-old boy who has been admitted to our school recently. He has been suffering from bed-wetting since June 2019, (no comma)  and needs your further assessment.

2✅Last month, a home visit was recognised? (conducted) due to a bullying episode after he wet himself (at school), and the bullying has been continued (since then). His parents reported occasional daytime enuresis (each (every) two weeks) and bed wetting at nights (three times per week). Kevin’s bed-wetting started following his grandfather’s death, and he is worried and embarrassed.

4✅Medically and socially, he was diagnosed with gastroenteritis in 2019. He is up to date with his vaccination, and he is generally well. He is allergic to shellfish and peanuts and he is a heavy sleeper. It is important to note that her sister grew out of bedwetting at the age of nine.

🔃

3✅Although his *parents were advised on avoiding him to take food or drink one hour before bedtime, and regular bladder emptying during (the) daytime and before bedtime, there is (has been) no improvement in his symptoms. **I should note that a urine analysis was performed which was normal.

5✅In view of the above, it would be greatly appreciated if you could provide further investigation. If you need more information, feel free to contact me.

Yours Sincerely 

School Nurse

* “His parents were advised to avoid giving him food or drink one hour before bedtime.”

** “I would like to mention that … “

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (390)

@patoonastaranyahoo-com

 

[Siavash Zare]

✨Absolutely Perfect!✨

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Mr. Alex Roden, DOB: 24/09/1951

1✅I am writing to introduce Mr. Alex Raodan, a 68-year-old widower, who underwent heart by-pass surgery on 18 Aug 2019. Currently, he requires your assessment and recommendation regarding the special diet after the operation.

2✅Mr. Roden has been struggling with his dietary habits since his wife passed away in Jun 2019. He lives alone and, therefore, is unable to cook, and mostly prefers takeaway or frozen meals. Red meats, pastries, and cakes are the main portions in his diet which caused him to gain 5 kg weight over the last 6 months (BMI: 33). He reported that fruit and vegetable consumption has been reduced as well.

3✅A low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol, gluten-free diet was recommended after discharge, and he has been monitored by a community nurse twice a week. He also was advised to increase fluid intake. In addition, copies of the Heart Foundation’s health eating brochures were delivered to him after discharge.

4✅Regarding his medical history, hypertension was diagnosed in 2017, for which he has been taking Atacand 4mg and Cartia 1mg in the morning. He decreased his alcohol consumption during the last year and quit smoking in 2016.

5✅Based on the view above, I would greatly appreciate it if you could provide him with some advice related to weight control, meal planning, and dietary guidance.

If you require any further information, do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Rural Community Nurse.

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 5/7

• Genre & Style 6/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 6/7

  B+ Overall score: (440)

@sharmin-molaei89gmail-com

[Siavash Zare]

 

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: Dylan Charles, DOB: 01 Dec 2019

 

1✅I am writing to refer this patient, a 6-week-old baby boy whose mother requires your support and education due to (regarding) breastfeeding.

2✅Regarding birth history, although the postpartum phase was largely uneventful and Dylan’s vitals were all within normal limits, Silvia, the baby’s mother, reported that the baby had (has experienced) constipation and became (has become / has appeared) unsettled during breastfeeding for a probably limited amount of fluids.(likely due to limited intake of fluids) Additionally, Silvia got (fell) sick and had (experienced) a run of fever last December.

*Use present perfect / present perfect continuous for ongoing event
** Use more formal verbs like“experienced” instead of “has/have” – and “fell” instead of “got”
*** “run a fever” >>> She ran a fever in December >>> “Run” is the verb

3✅In terms of feeding history, Silvia has changed her son’s feeding plan to formula according to (following) her mother-in-law’s suggestion due to her limited lactation. (However,) She has expressed a desire to breastfeed her baby properly as she believes this would be the best option for his health.

* According to the case note: The mother gives extra formula feeds as well as breastfeeding

4✅Please note that regarding the baby’s assessment, (regarding his assessment, please note that…) he was (appeared) slightly lethargic, and darkened urine was also noticeable (along) with a history of 3 wet nappies during the last 24 hours. (It is worth mentioning that,) He has gained 800 grams since birth.

5✅I would be grateful if you could provide a lactation consultation and ensure formula preparation is correct. (correct formula preparation) A follow-up (appointment) after 48 hours for a review of his condition is recommended if you think (deem) it appropriate. 

*A follow-up (session/appointment)
** “Think” is informal

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require any further information.

Yours sincerely

• Purpose 2.5/3

• Content 3/7 (please check the written writing in the course)

• Clarity 3/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  C+ Overall score: (310) 

@Fresh_Fgh

[Siavash Zare]

 

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Ms. Maeve Greerson. DOB: 09 Oct 1960

 

1✅I am writing to introduce Ms. Maeve Greerson, a 59-year-old widow, who is a known case of end-stage lower intestine cancer. She was admitted to the Royal Spirit Hospital on 24 Jul 2019 due to a collapse at home and requires your ongoing care.

2✅Initially, her cancer was diagnosed in March 2019, for which partial bowel resection and colostomy were performed, as well as 6 weeks of radiation therapy. During hospitalization, her condition deteriorated. She has been experiencing severe pain and edema in her ankles and lower legs, for which she has been receiving high doses of analgesic medications. Her tolerance for solid food has decreased, and currently, she is only able to consume liquids. Therefore, IV fluids were commenced. Her emotional status has decreased. (deteriorated)

3✅Based on several discussions between her brother, Mr. Brian Hewson, and the social worker, there is an agreement to transfer her to your facility via an ambulance. Given her condition, her life expectancy is no more than 3-4 months, and her brother has declined any further treatment except for pain relief medications and maintaining her dignity.

4✅I would appreciate it if you could provide ongoing care for her.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require any further information.

 

Yours sincerely,

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7 (please check the written writing in the course)

• Clarity 5/7

• Genre & Style 6/7

• Organization and layout 6.5/7

• Language 5.5/7

  B+ Overall score: (440)
@sharmin-molaei89gmail-com

 

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

 Re: Mr George Chein 54 years old

 Dear Ms Pasquala

1✅ I am writing to refer Mr. Chain, a 54-year-old accountant🗸 who has need (needs*) your assessment due to impaired mobility following his post** right total knee surgery🗸 which he underwent on 27/12/2017.🗸

*Use simple presents for an ongoing situation
** Following = post

2✅ He was admitted in (to) our hospital due to moderate swelling and excess fluid in his right knee on 10 January 2018.🗸 (and difficulty in performing self-care activities)

3✅During hospitalization, his swelling was treated by (with) an ice pack and his incision site was healed well🗸. He can ambulate about 100 centimeters with a front-wheel walker and his knee has a limited range of motion now.🗸

4✅ He is scheduled to be discharged today and he* will be supported by her family. Although, he is medically stable, some of his daily activities such as bed mobility, bathing, grooming, and lower body dressing need to be supervised. (assisted?)

*he: you can omit the second subject in a compound sentence if both subjects are same.
** Patient was diagnosed with osteoarthritis – suffering from skin discomfort on his back (shingles?)

5✅ I would greatly appreciate it if you could assist her mobility and provide appropriate care for him. (*patient needs acute, comprehensive rehab)

 Yours sincerely

 Nurse

Total words: 140 (some information is missing)

• Purpose 2/3

• Content 3/7 (please review the pink-colored sentences)

• Clarity 6/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

C+ Overall score: (330) 

 

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear: Sir/Madam

Re: Vamuya Obeki DOB:23/05/2014

1✅ I am writing to request follow-up care and management for Vamuya Obeki, a 4-year-old boy who was diagnosed with acute meningoencephalitis following a mumps outburst and was admitted to our hospital on 15/07/2018. After ten days of hospitalization, Vamuya made a full recovery (from both mumps and meningoencephalitis) and is due to be discharged home today. (nice and clear ✅)

2✅ Vamuya lives with his family who are refugees from Sudan and arrived in Australia in 2018. Based on his parent’s (parents’) statements, both of their children (Vamuya and his younger brother Saeed) had (have) received some vaccinations. but, there are no records regarding (specifying) the type of vaccine.

3✅ Since the Obeki family has no family doctor, it would be greatly appreciated if you could provide them with a neurological check-up and advise them regarding (on) a full vaccination program for both of their children. Please note that except for the family’s father (apart from the father) (Abdullah) who understands the English language, the rest of the family uses (communicates in / speaks in) Arabic and Dinka language therefore you may need to arrange the presence of an interpreter.

4✅ Should you have any further inquiries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely

Registered nurse

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (390)

@ehsan