Nurses Group
زیر گروه پرستاری زبان آموزان OET
تصحیح رایتینگ
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تصحیح رایتینگ
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
Dear Ms Gold,
Re:Mr George Gale , DOB:24/04/1936
1✅ I am writing to refer Mr Gale, an elderly widowed man who requires your ongoing care after discharging from a hospital.
2✅ Initialy,he was brought to the hospital with an ambulance after falling in his flate (possibly*) due to disorientation and fever.he was febrile along with elevated respartory (respiratory) rate (26 bpm) and elevated blood pressure(155/80 mmhg). Due to a history of dysuria and elevation in his urinary indexes*, he was diagnosed with UTI, for which IV antibiotics was (were) prescribed. (commenced)
* Case note : “UTI – ? Cause of fall
**Urinalysis Showed/verified elevation in urinary indexes ➡️ which Confirm UTI3✅ During hospitalization,he has made good progress.although His vital signs are within a (the) normal range,he is (still) confused and will need to be assessed.
4✅ In terms of his medical history.he has had a history of osteoarthritis,hypertension and GORD for which he takes paracetamol,felodipine and anti acid respectively.
5✅ He lives alone in his own flate where in (on) the second floor without an elevator (which lacks and elevator) .His son works abroad and he does not have any relatives.
6✅ It would be greatly appreciated if you could provide appropriate care .please encourage him to be active at least 30 minutes (a day?) due to decreasing his mobility.education is also recommended for living independently.
*Please encourage him to engage in regular physical activity, which can help alleviate the decline in his mobility. Educational support is also recommended to support his ability to live independently.“Yours sincerely,
Nurse
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Purpose 2/3
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Content 5/7
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Clarity 3/7
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Genre & Style 3.5/7
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Organization and layout 4/7
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Language 4/7
C+ Overall score: (315)
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This reply was modified 1 ماه, 3 هفته گذشته by Siavash Zare.
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This reply was modified 1 ماه, 3 هفته گذشته by Siavash Zare.
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This reply was modified 1 ماه, 3 هفته گذشته by Siavash Zare.
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This reply was modified 1 ماه, 3 هفته گذشته by Siavash Zare.
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
1✅I am writing to request parental support for Dylan, who has been diagnosed with (suffers from) mild constipation and dehydration.
2✅Dylan was born about six weeks ago via normal vaginal birth at full term, weighting 3400 grams at birth. He experienced no antenatal or postnatal complications and is the first baby in his family.
3✅Today, his mother (Silvia) and his grandmother (Mary) presented for Dylan’s 6-week check-up. Following Silvia’s fever in the summer, Mary has advised that it is necessary to add extra powder to the formula feed to improve weight gain and increase formula feeding. However, Silvia is concerned that Dylan has difficulty feeding from the bottle.(and that she doesn’t have enough breast milk.)
4✅Silvia believes breastfeeding is better than formula feeding. She is concerned about Dylan’s constipation, reporting that he has hard stools just once every three days. His weight is 4200 grams, and his urine is dark. Currently, he is slightly lethargic. Mary wants to stay with Dylan and Silvia because Dylan’s father isn’t nearby.
5✅I would greatly appreciate it if you could (1)check the formula for correct preparation (correct prep of formula) and (advise on) increasing breastfeeding. If they decide to continue with formula feeding, they should learn about its preparation: first, boil and let it cool. (2)Encourage keeping Dylan cool in hot weather and returning for the next 48-hour followup check-up.
If you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to contact me.
Yours sincerelyNurse
(1,2) در جملات ترکیبی اگر فعل جمله دوم را حذف کردید باید دقت کنید که از لحاظ معنایی فعل اول با جمله دوم مطابقت داشته باشد:
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Check formula prep✅ and check increase breastfeeding❌
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Encourage keeping Dylan cool✅ … and encourage returning for follow-up..❌
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Purpose 3/3
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Content 5/7
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Clarity 4/7
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Genre & Style 5/7
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Organization and layout 5/7
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Language 5/7
B Overall score: (380)
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
Re: Mrs Brown Green
DOB:15 Mar 1950
1. I am writing to refer Mrs. Green, a 68-year-old widow who was admitted to North West Hospital due to low grade adenocarcinoma and underwent a right hemicolectomy on 20 Jan 2019. 👍✅
2. Mrs. Green was admitted 3 weeks ago and had stayed in ICU for 5 days and therefore (then) transferred to our rehabilitation ward and spent 2 weeks at there. During hospitalization the patient has (has made) a good progress and now she (is) able to walk with (a) single point stick on (under) supervision. Her appetite has increased and (the/her) abdominal wound is healing, but has a minimal exudate. The patient (is) happy to be discharging (discharged: passive) tomorrow and take medication at home، so her mood has increased.✅
3. Regarding her medical history the patient has (been) suffering from COPD and hypertension, for which she takes some medication. For full details ,please see a (the) attached chart medication. Mrs. Brown is anxious and requires receiving oxygen (Oxygen therapy), for which she needs to be monitoring. Home modifications were completed and toilet and bathroom rails were installed. We planned to discharge the patient, under care of her sister. A (the) wound dressing will be required (passive) to change every 3 days.
Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need further information.
yours sincerely
Charge nurse.
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Purpose 3/3
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Content 6/7
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Clarity 4/7
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Genre & Style 3/7
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Organization and layout 5/7
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Language 3/7
B Overall score: (360)
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
Dear: nurse
Re: Bill O’Riley, DOB 12 Jan 1960
1.I am writing to refer Ms. O ‘Riley, a 59-year-old single truck driver, who was diagnosed with obstructive coronary artery disease and was admitted to our hospital on 2 Sep 2019. He underwent a coronary artery bypass graft (*4) surgery on 4 Sep 2019 and is going to be discharged tomorrow and will need your supervision to adhere to a new lifestyle.✅Perfect
2.Regarding his social history, MR O’Riley lives alone in a caravan outside the Goondiwindi and consumes unhealthy fat-saturated foods. His BMI is 34.3 which puts her in the obese category and he has a sedentary lifestyle. Also, she is (She is also “more formal”) a heavy drinker and smoker (he smokes 20 cigarettes and drinks 6 bottles of beer per day)✅
3.Regarding his medical history, he was diagnosed with hypertension and takes metoprolol for it. (better to be included in the previous paragraph)
4.Post-operatively, the patient had an uneventful recovery and his wound healing and ADL were promising. About his discharge plan, the patient was advised to consume a low-calorie, low-cholesterol diet, and (to) increase fluid intake. (As per the dietitian’s recommendations) however, his dietitian reported he was reluctant to change his diet. Also based on the physiotherapist’s recommendation the patient should engage in a rehabilitation exercise program by doing light daily exercise and avoiding heavy lifting. Moreover, the patient needs to decrease his alcohol consumption and quit smoking.✅
5.Please note, that a follow-up appointment visit with Dr. Avril was fixed on 15 Sep 2019 at 2 pm. It would be greatly appreciated if you could visit him at her house and monitor her adherence to the recommended diet and exercise program, as well as encouraging him to quit smoking and decreasing alcohol consumption.✅Perfect
If you require further information please do not hesitate to contact me
Charge nurse.
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Purpose 3/3
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Content 6/7
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Clarity 6/7
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Genre & Style 5/7
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Organization and layout 5/7
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Language 5/7
! B+ Overall score: (420) Well Done
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
Re:Vamuya Obeki DOB:23/05/2014
1. I am writing to request a follow-up care for Vamyua , a 4-year-old boy who was admitted to our Children’s Emergency Department due to an acute meningoencephalitis as a result of mumps.✅
* “care” is an uncountable noun, so cannot take a/an2. During the hospitalization, Vamuya was admitted at Children’s Emergency Department (duplicate) and Spent ten days at there. Since that time,he has made a steady progress and complete recovery from mumps and acute meningoencephalitis and now his condition is good. (satisfactory/stable) ✅ (and is ready to be discharged today)
3. Vamuya lives with his parents and a 2-year-old younger brother who are refugees from Sudan and arrived in Australia this year. They use Arabic and Dinka languages and have limitations to build relationships regarding (due to) their poor written and spoken English. Although, Abdullah, his father, attends English class and can speak. (able to understand Spoken English)✅
4. Vamuya’s parents reported a history of vaccination of their childrens at birth, but no having (not having) documents and adequate information of mumps vaccination. (but they don’t have documents and ..)✅
5. Regarding** discharge the patient (regarding his discharge plan) and his family history, it would be greatly appreciated if you could arrange a neurologic appointment for following check-up. In addition, your interpreter will be required. Please note They have not (don’t have) any family doctor and will need vaccination plan advices for Vamuya and Saeed (his brother?).✅
**after “Regarding”, you need to use a “Noun”If you require further information , do not hesitate to contact me.
Yours sincerely,
Registered Nurse.
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Purpose 2/3
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Content 5/7
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Clarity 4/7
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Genre & Style 4/7
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Organization and layout 5/7
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Language 4/7
C+ Overall score: (320)
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
I am writing to request ongoing care and management for Ms Browyn Green, a widowed elderly who underwent right hemicolectomy on 20 January 2019 following her low-grade adenocarcinoma and is due to be discharged tomorrow.
Post operation, Ms Green was commenced on oxygen therapy regarding (due to) her metabolic and respiratory acidosis. She stayed 5 days in the ICU ward and then transferred to the Rehabilitation ward for the next 3 weeks. Appropriate treatment and management were provided. Although her condition has improved progressively, she has occasional urinary incontinence and wears pull up pads.
Ms Green has chronic COPD for which (she) takes Tiotropium, Fluticasone and Salmeterol inhalers. Her hypertension, anxiety and depression are controlled with medications which she is compliant with them.
Please note that Ms Green will go home with her sister. Home modifications such as toilet and bathroom rails have been conducted under an occupational therapist supervision.
Given above, it would be appreciated if you could monitor Ms Green’s anxiety and oxygen usage. She will also require (please ensure a dressing change …) dressing change every 3 days for her abdomen wound. (or: She will require her dressing to be changed every 3 days)
Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require further information.
Yours faithfully,
Nurse
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Purpose 3/3
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Content 6/7
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Clarity 5/7
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Genre & Style 5/7
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Organization and layout 5/7
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Language 5/7
B Overall score: (410)
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
Re: Ms Nina Sharman
DOB: 09Feb,1959
1- I am writing to refer** Ms. Sharman, who lives in the Dementia Specific Unit. She requires your urgent assessment of swallowing function and nutritional status due to a high risk of aspiration.
** You are writing this letter to request in house assessment and not referring the patient2-Yesterday, while she was eating , she suddenly started coughing and became cyanotic. A piece of solid food was expelled. After treatment ,she experienced tachycardia and tachypnea, but after (a) few minutes her vital signs and skin color return to normal.✅
3-She has been experiencing Ischemic heart disease since 2011 ,for which she wears a Nitroglycerin Patch. She has (has had) an unsteady gait after (since) a stroke in 2018. She is confused and disoriented due to developing dementia. She was prescribed Voltaren Gel for both (her) knees for osteoarthritis. She has no allergies to (any) medication or food.
4-She follows a diabetic diet due to diabetes mellitus .Additionally her weight has increased by 10 Kg over 5 months. Currently her weight is 106 Kg. She complains of chronic constipation , for which she takes Laxatives as required. She has upper and lower dentures but sometimes forgets to wear them due to dementia . her appetite has increased ,furthermore, she eats three meals a day and snacks throughout the day. She is (a) non-smoker and does not use of alcohol or illegal drugs. She is (and is…) emotionally dependent on nursing staff.
5-I would greatly appreciate it, if you provide an urgent assessment.
If you have any questions ,please do not hesitate to contact me.
YOUR SINCERELY
NURSE
اطلاعات در پاراگراف‌های 3 و 4 به شکل پراکنده و بدون داشتن جریان خاصی نگارش شده:
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افزایش اشتها، افزایش وزن، تعداد وعده های غذایی می‌توانست به دنبال هم آورده شود. و بهتر بود در پاراگراف سوم (به دلیل اهمیت بالاتر برای متخصص تغذیه) آورده شود.
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بیماری قلبی و استفاده از پچ نیتروگلیسیرین به دلیل اهمیت پایینتر بهتر بود با تاخر آورده شود (قبل از درخواست انتهای نامه)
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جملات کوتاه (و تنها) در متن رایتینگ زیاد دیده می‌شوند. پیشنهاد میشود استفاده و نگارش جملات ترکیبی را بیشتر تمرین کنید.
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Purpose 2/3
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Content 4/7
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Clarity 4/7
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Genre & Style 6/7
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Organization and layout 3/7
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Language 5/7
C+ Overall score: (320)
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
Dear Ms. Wilkins
1✅I am writing to refer Mrs. Aisha Amari, a widow with two children, who requires your ongoing assistance.
2✅On 16/5/2019, Ms. Amari presented to Westborough Medical Clinic with a complaint of turning out of her left foot on ambulation (complaint of her left foot turning out during ambulation). She has weakening (weakness) and burning sensation in her ankle ,(along) with general disorientation *all the times. Although, Mrs. Amari had mild memory loss suggestive of dementia, she transfers (moves/ambulates) independently without assisting any devices (without the assistance of any devices). She was prescribed paracetamol and menthol heat cream at there. (for treatment?)
3✅Regarding his (her) medical and social history, Mrs. Amari is suffering from blurred vision, hypertension, and type 2 diabetes. She had cataract surgery and breast augmentation. She is alert, and her hearing and speech is (are) within normal limits. Currently, Mrs. Amari is taking metformin, beta blockers, and salbutamol. She has a low-cholesterol and diabetic regime. Please note that Mrs. Amari is a non-English speaker, and her son (Ahmad) not only is her interpreter but he also supports her.
4✅In view of the above, it would be appreciated If you could monitor her diet and ankle. In addition, she needs assistance with her personal care, household chores, and installation of assistive devices for two days per week.
If you have any further queries, please feel free to contact me.
Yours faithfully,
Registered Nurse
*General disorientation – time/place: she >> confused about the current time and location.
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Purpose 3/3
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Content 5/7
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Clarity 5/7
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Genre & Style 4/7
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Organization and layout 5/7
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Language 4/7
B Overall score: (370)
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
Dear Mrs martinson
Re:Mr.Kenneth Philips
Date of birth:05/05/1973
1✅I am writing to request ongoing care for Mr.philips ,a 45-year-old patient, who was admitted to Spirit Hospital on 10/01/2019 and underwent (a) bilateral lung transplant.
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Removed the comma before “who”.
Following the operation,Mr philips stayed 10 days in (the) Icu (ICU) and spent 3 weeks in (the) Thoracic Ward. he has been 2 weeks in (the) rehabilitation ward (and has been in rehabilitation ward for the next 2 weeks). he was anxious because of his dependence on oxygen and complained Sob (SOB) during mobility in the first week (,) but at discharge (now?), his oxygen saturation is 94%. He is (now) independent with his hygiene and daily activities.
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Mind capitalization and punctuation
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Wards >> Articles and capital letters
Regarding to his (regarding his) medical history, Mr. Philips has been suffering from interstitial lung disease for 7 years and he is taking a variety of medications.
Mr.philips lives alone (,)but his younger sister supports him 🔁 who lives in the same area.He is able to self medication (self-medicate) but requires monitoring oxygen and supervison.A (his) wound dressing is required every three day 🔁 for a pressure ulcer on his coccyx. He is in low listeria diet and thin fluids and has a good appetite.
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His younger sister ,who lives in the same area, supports him
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He is able to self-medicate but needs supervision, and his oxygen levels and anxiety need to be monitored.
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The dressing for his pressure ulcer needs to be changed every three days.
If you would like more information about the patient,please do not hesitate to contact me.
Your sincerely
Nurse
Rehabilitation ward
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Purpose 3/3
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Content 5/7
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Clarity 3/7
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Genre & Style 4/7
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Organization and layout 5/7
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Language 4/7
B Overall score: (360)
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
Dr Jane Hudso,
Re:Alice Cooper
Date of Birth:14/06/2009
1️⃣ I am writing to refer Alice for a Psychological assessment ,a 10-year-old student at our school who has low self esteem and possible underlying grief.
✍️Revised:
I am writing to refer Alice, a 10-year-old student at our school who has low self-esteem and possible underlying grief, for a psychological assessment. (who + what + why)Or
I am writing to refer Alice, a 10-year-old student at our school, for a psychological assessment due to concerns regarding her low self-esteem and potential underlying grief
2️⃣ Her father died 8 months ago in (a) motor accident.I am concerned about because (I am concerned as Alice …) **Alice changs a lot such as she has been (such as being regularly..) regularly absent from class due to minor illnesses and she (حذف فاعل تکراری) has few friends (*having few friends is not a change). She often has been teased (is often teased: use simple present for ongoing actions) by her classmates for her Eczema and (being) overweight. In addition,her academic performance has been declining and she does not join in any classes or sporting activities unless persuaded.
✍️Revised:
** Since this event, Alice shows notable changes. She has been frequently absent from class due to minor illnesses, has limited social interactions, and has become the target of teasing by her classmates regarding her eczema and overweight condition.3️⃣ Please note, Alice’s mother, Sara Cooper, was (is) very anxious. She says Alice was very close to her father and sometimes cries because she misses him. In addition, she reported Alice is overeating and embarrassed about her Eczema.
4️⃣ Alice lives (with) her mother, who works full-time and has an older sister and younger brother. she suffers from asthma and eczema and is overweight for her age.
If you have any queries,please feel free to contact me.
Yours sincerely
School Nurse
Toohey point state school
نامه کاملا هدف و محتوای لازم را شامل شده. همچنین جریان اطلاعات و محتوای نامه به خوبی نگارش شد. اما از لحاظ grammar و clarity نیاز به بهبود زیادی دارد. لطفا روی موارد ذکر شده تمرین و مرور کنید. جلسات ششم کورس رایتینگ، پنجم وهفتم کورس گرامر به همراه درس نامه های مربوط نیاز به مرور و تمرین بیشتر دارد.
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Purpose 2.5/3
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Content 5/7
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Clarity 3/7
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Genre & Style 3/7
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Organization and layout 4/7
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Language 3/7
C+ Overall score: (310)
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
Dear Dr. Wrenn
1️⃣I am writing regarding Ms. Cassandra Kinser, a single female, who requires Your further medical evaluation and treatment.
2️⃣Today, Ms. Kinser was admitted to the Vincent’s Hospital with a(x) complaints of abdominal discomfort, burning with urination and Itchy vaginal discharge during (for/over) the last several weeks. Three months ago, while Ms. Kinser had (experienced) a painful sexual intercourse , she did not use Protection*. Therefore* (following that) she had Intermenstrual bleeding along with metrorrhagia. Not only she has had (an) Infected lip laceration along with swelling and bruising of her eye and ribs respectively (؟) , but she (was) also emotionally was distressed.**
*Be factual not judgmental:
در رایتینگ مدیکال باید به وقایع اشاره کنید و نتیجه گیری و قضاوت جایز نیست مگر اینکه مستقیم در کیس نوت اشاره شود. بهره است به جای therefore از following that استفاده شود.**این جمله یک مقدار طولانی و خواندن آن دشوار شده، در کل ساختار not only/but also خیلی در رایتینگ OET پیشنهاد نمیشه. جمله زیر پیشنهاد بنده است:
“She had an infected lip laceration along with swelling and bruising of her eye and ribs. Additionally, she was emotionally distressed.”3️⃣During hospitalization, oxycodone and clindamycin orally was (were) prescribed to her. In addition her lip has been treated(,) and an ice pack compression was applied to her eye. Urine blood test and vaginal swab culture were done (conducted/performed), and their results will come back (be available) in 2 and 3 days, respectively. Currently Ms. Kinser is fine (ready/medically stable/stable) to be discharged home.
4️⃣Regarding her medical and social history, Ms. Kinser has had multiple sexual partners. She smokes 40 cigarettes and drinks 10-12 units of alcohol per day (she is a heavy smoker and drinker). Ms. Kinser has been reporting (has reported) severe menstrual cramps since 2005, but (however), she has not visited her general practitioner since 2011.
5️⃣Kindly, review the results of the tests and vaginal swab culture(,) and monitor her adherence to her medications. She requires an appointment with the social worker as well as a sexual health clinic to review her present (current) circumstances.
If you have any further queries, please feel free to contact me.
Yours faithfully,
Discharge Nurse
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Purpose 2.5/3
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Content 5/7
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Clarity 3/7
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Genre & Style 3/7
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Organization and layout 5/7
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Language 4/7
C+ Overall score: (325)
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▇ Errors ▇ Suggestions ▇ Rephrased
Dear Ms. Loretta Pasquala,
Re: Mr.George chien, Ageel 54
1️⃣I am writing to refer Mr. Goerge Chein, a 54- year-old man who has clinical features of osteoarthritis and request (requires?) for physiotherapy.*
*گرامری: کل این پاراگراف یک جمله است، اما دو فعل استفاده شده: refer و request. برای سادگی جمله رو به صورت زیر نگارش میکنیم:
I am writing to refer Mr. X and request for physiotherapy.
برای اصلاح آن میتوان به شکل زیر نگارش کرد:
I am writing to refer Mr. X who has A and requires B
*کلینیکال: هدف از ارجاع به فیزیوتراپ “بهبود و کمک به حرکت بیمار بعد از عمل زانو” است و نه “پوکی استخوان“
2️⃣Regarding his medical history, he has had osteoartritis (spelling) with Severe pain in his right knee and underwent right total knee replacement on 27.12.2017.
** در پاراگراف بعد از مقدمه بهتر است وضعیت کنونی بیمار قید شود.
3️⃣Two days ago, he was admitted to the Andrews Hospital due to impaired mobility, moderate swelling and fluid in his right knee. Hence, a ice pack treatment and a Arixtra was given. Today, his condition was assessed for transfer ??. So(X), during his hospitalization he has had a good recovery and has been able to accumulate (ambulate?) less than 100 meters with front-wheel Walker, eating, bathing and grooming with minimal assistance (eat, bath and groom…). However, he has a limited range of motion in his knee. painkillers and multivitamins were also prescribed.
***بیمار بعد از بستری شدن به دلیل مشکلات زانو تحت عمل جراحی قرار گرفت. که باید در این پاراگراف بعد از اشاره به دلیل بستری شدن بیمار اشاره میشد.
4️⃣Mr.chein has completed his medical procedure and now is ready for discharge who needs acute and Comprehensive rehabilitation. Please note, he has front-wheel walker.
I would appreciate it if you could manage his mobility for physiotherapy as
You meed.
If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Yours sincerely-
هدف نوشتن نامه به خوبی اشاره نشده
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جریان اطلاعات بیمار به درستی نگارش نشده
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بین جملات ارتباط منطقی وجود ندارد و اطلاعات پراکنده در نامه ذکر شده‌اند
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خطاهای گرامری به خصوص در جملات مرکب و پیچیده
لطفا جلسات گرامر و رایتینگ مرور شوند
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Purpose 1.5/3
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Content 5/7
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Clarity 3/7
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Genre & Style 3/7
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Organization and layout 2/7
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Language 4/7
C Overall score: (250)
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