[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Smith,

Re:Mrs Martha Brown,

DOB:23 September 1941

I am writing to refer Mrs Brown, who was admitted with deep wounds on her right hand on 20 October 2019, (and) requires your ongoing care and management following her discharge today.

On admission, she presented with four puncture (wounds*) near thenar muscles following (a) dog bite.She had complaints of pain (She complained of pain) and was unable to move her hand (,) for which,** paracetamol 1gr (1g) was administered four times a day. She has hot Tetanus vaccination for prophylaxis (She received a tetanus vaccination for prophylaxis: simple past). Her wound was cleaned with saline and applied iodin dressing***.Subsequently,padding and bandaging were performed.

*Puncture wound
**use of comma:  … , for which paracetamol…
***Her wound was cleaned, and dressing was applied >> Her wound was cleaned with saline and iodine dressing (was) applied.

Regarding her investigations, urinalysis was done (performed) and protein was detected. In addition, (a) UTI was diagnosed(,) for which co-amoxiclav 500 mg was commenced three times a day for 7 days. She has a diabetes mellitus and following increased HbA1C levels  ,Metformin is  increased to 500 mg three times daily.

On her assessment, although she is (was) stabilized ,she has (had) a limited movement of left thumb and middle finger due to pain.

It would be appreciated if you could provide care and monitor her UTI symptoms and fluid intake about (approximately) 8 glasses daily. Please, change Mrs Brown’s dressing with (using) iodine 2-3 times per week for 14 days. Mr Brown’s follow up appointment with (the) family doctor is scheduled on (for) 30 November.

Please, report to (the) family doctor if you notice any problem.

If you have further queries,please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely,

Nurse

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 5/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

@329392989172

[bahar Zahedi]

سلام خسته نباشید

استاد میتونیم از heavy smoker در رایتینک استفاده کنیم ؟

چون در اسبیکینگ حالت قضاوتی داره استفاده نمیکنبم

[Siavash Zare]

دورد، بله میتونید.
خیر قضاوت گونه نیست و heavy smoker یا heavy drinker در متون پزشکی کاربرد دارد.

[bahar Zahedi]

ممنون 🙏

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re : Mr Peter Dunbar

DOB : 18 / 03 / 1932

I am writing to request an ongoing monitoring regarding Mr Dunbar , an 87-year-old widowed patient who his (whose) odds of developing further consequences** are quite high due to his non-compliance with medical regimen.

*an monitoring is wrong >> monitoring is uncountable noun
**The phrase “whose odds” is not very common in formal medical writing >>  “who is at risk of …”
*** it has not been clearly explained what the “further consequences” are.

He has a remarkable (significant) history of hypertension and diabetes which were well-controlled by dietary modification , doing exercise and medication. His medications include metformin , ramipril , warfarin and sotalol. His wife’s death had a huge impact on (both) his emotional and medical status (well-being). Although, (no comma required) he was advised by his general practitioner on commencing (to resume) on his previous medicinal regimen , he was (has been) reluctant to do that .

*medication regimen

He became depressed and unpassionate that (and) ended up (led to: more formal) starting an unhealthy diet and excessive alcohol consumption . However (although) , he was advised to comply (follow) with his doctor’s advice , he was not committed to (the) dosage of medication and its duration properly . He was admitted to hospital for the reason of (due to) myocardial infarction 6 months ago . Subsequently , he was attended by his child to improve his condition* , but he was still (remained) resistant to carry out advised medical attentions **.

* his child provided care to support his recovery
** to adhering to the recommended medical attentions.

I would be grately appreciated if you keep an eye on (monitor) patient’s progress and provide dietary and pharmaceutical guidance for which importance of them .

*I would be grately appreciate it …

**emphasizing their importance?

Your sincerely

Nurse

• لطفا موارد افعال و کلمات پیشنهادی را در نامه های آتی جایگزین کنید. بسیاری از موارد هایلایت شده در متون و نام های پزشکی کاربردی نیستند. به همین دلیل نمره Genre & Style پایین داده شده که در صورت اصلاح موارد بالا نمره رایتینگ به راحتی به 380 میرسد.

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 5/7

• Clarity 3/7

• Genre & Style 2/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (350)

@vahid

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

I am writing to request an urgent assessment of Ms Sharman,who has been diagnosed with (suffering from) severe dementia since 2018,in order of (to evaluate?) swallowing function and nutritional condition due to a high risk of aspiration.

Ms Sharman is a new resident of (the/our) Dementia Specific Unit. She is also able to understand simple instructions.In addition (however),she has been experiencing confusion and disorientation. Although she refuses to wear her dentures due to confusion,she has (a) good appetite and is able to eat (consume) the whole (full) portion of the meals 3 times a day. Subsequently,she has gained 10 kg of weight over the past 5 months.Her current weight is 106 kg along with BMI of 30.  (with a BMI of) 

She was experiencing (experienced) episodes (an episode) of choking last night,for which (which) is suspected not to chew the food properly.Nursing assessments were performed, therefore (and) her vital signs and blood sugar level are (were) in normal limitation.

Rephrased: suspected to be due to inadequate chewing of food.

She takes Laxatives for chronic constipation and she is on a diabetic diet following type 2 diabetes. Additionally, she has a medical history of osteoarthritis and ischemic heart disease, for which she wears a Nitroglycerine path (patch).

Rephrased: ….and follows a diabetic diet due to type 2 diabetes.

Please note,Ms Sharman is under the Australian guardianship and Administration  Council Protection.

If you have any queries,please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Registered Nurse

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@329392989172

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Cobb,

I am writing to request your ongoing care regarding (for) Mrs Margaret, a 61-year-old married woman who was admitted to the hospital following a fall. She is due to be discharged today. Nice👍

On admission, Mrs Margaret was in distress (appeared distressed) and wasn’t aware of the place or a day (was disoriented) (possibly, due to…) due to her fall or progressing Alzheimer’s disease for which (she) was administered diazepam 2 mg. An X-ray result indicated a dislocated right elbow. On examination, her coccyx was bruised and painful.

Mrs Margaret’s elbow is in a cuff and a sling (a cuff and sling) which is healing well. The patient has lost her appetite for (the last) 3 days. She still requires the use of a hospital wheelchair during (for) the (her) transfer and assistance regarding (with) bathing and grooming. She is not compliant with her disposal (disposable) briefs.

Mrs Margaret has been prescribed Remeron and oxycodone to be continued (taken) as needed. She is now medically stable.

She has been referred to a physiotherapist on 28/11/2018 who will determine (assess) the continued use of the cuff. Please consider making An appointment with a urologist due to (for) her incontinence. I would appreciate it if you could monitor her elbow. If you require more information, please don’t hesitate to contact me
Rephrased: who will assess the continued need for the cuff

Yours sincerely,

Nurse

• Purpose 2.5/3

• Content 5/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (360)

@azin-alivand1gmail-com

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Nurse

I am writing regarding Mr. O’Riley, who was admitted to our hospital due to obstructive coronary artery disease and underwent a coronary artery bypass graft surgery on 04 September 2019. His recovery has been uneventful and he is able to walk without any issues. He is due to be discharged tomorrow and requires further care and support.

In terms of his Social history, he lives alone and works as a truck driver. He has an unhealthy diet and a sedentary lifestyle. He consumes excessive alcohol and smokes 20 cigarettes per day.

Regarding his medical history, he is dealing with an allergy to peanuts and hypertension for which he takes Betaloc.

Given the above, it would be greatly appreciated if you ensure he adheres to a low-calorie, low-cholesterol diet (,) and provide him advice on increasing his fluid intake. Kindly encourage him to avoid heavy lifting, quit smoking, reduce alcohol intake, and consume (maintain) a low-fat diet. Finally, please note that he has an appointment with (his/the) local GP on 15 september 2019 at 2 PM

Do not hesitate to contact me, if you require further information.

Yours Sincerely
 Nurse 

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 7/7

• Clarity 6/7

• Genre & Style 6/7

• Organisation and layout 7/7

• Language 6/7

  A Overall score: (470)

@hadiaghayan0gmail-com

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Wrenn, 

Re:Ms Cassandra Kinser, aged 32 

I am writing to refer Ms Kinser ,who was admitted with abdominal pain on 17 January, (and) requires your further investigation and assessment following her discharged (discharge) today. 

On admission,Ms Kinser presented to our clinic with complaint(s) of urination burning from (the) last several weeks,and vaginal itchiness with discharge following her multiple sexual partners (,)and has been experiencing metrorrhagia since 3 months ago (for the past three months). Additionally, she has (had) (a) distressed appearance with lip infected laceration (with an infected laceration on her lip) , (a) black eye and bruised ribs which were (have been) managed with oral ciprofloxacin 500 mg three times a day and oxycodone 5 mg daily .However,she is not  (does not)  adhere to her medication. 

Regarding her background,she smokes 40 cigarettes and consumes alcohol 10 to 12 units (of alcohol) a day. 

It would be appreciated if you could follow up the vaginal swab culture,( as well as) (the) urine and blood test results which were performed. 

Rephrased:  follow up on the results of the vaginal swab culture

Please,encourage Ms Kenser to be compliance (to comply) with her antibiotics. Kindly, arrange an appointment (for her) at (a) sexual health clinic ASAP (😠as soon as possible😠) and with (a) social worker as well.

If you have any queries,please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely

 Nurse

>>>>Articles

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 5/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 3/7

• Organisation and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (360)

@329392989172

 

 

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Beetson,

Re: Mrs Maeve Greeson DOB: 09/Oct/1960

I am writing to introduce Mrs Greerson, a 59-year-old widow who lives alone in her own home (,) and she will require (requires) your assistance for palliative care.

Mrs Greerson was admitted to this hospital due to falling (following a fall) at home. Prior to her admission she (had) underwent laparotomy surgery regarding (for) her metastatic lower intestine cancer(,) which was diagnosed recently. During hospitalization in Sprit hospital she have (has) not had a reasonable recovery progress and she has had also (also had) poor diagnose (diagnosis) which led to being reluctant about doing any further treatments.

Regarding her condition and medical history, she is disoriented and she is also become (has become) weaker due to (a) loss of appetite. In addition her pain was managed (has been managed) with tramadol patch however some painkillers (further painkillers?) may (be) required. 

Today she will be discharged and (an) ambulance for her transfer is provided. I would (be) greatly appreciated if you could assess Mrs Greerson and provide a condition based? on her situation.

Rephrased: "provide care tailored to her condition and needs"

I hope this information is helpful and do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions (question)

Your sincerely, 

Charge Nurse

• Purpose 2.5/3

• Content 5/7

• Clarity 3/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organisation and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

@989128175160

[Siavash Zare]

 

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Doctor

I am writing regarding Mr. Brew, a physically active man, who was admitted to our hospital on 06/07/2019 and was diagnosed with stage 3 esophageal cancer. He is due to be transferred to your center and now requires urgent evaluation and treatment.

On admission, he has (had: past perfect) been suffering from difficulty with swallowing in the past 4-5 months and is (was) dealing with a noticeable gnawing pain below his sternum. Although, on examination, his vital signs parameters were within normal limits, he appeared pale, malnourished, and distressed. As well as her joints were prominent with evidence of muscle wasting. (and) He has (had) epigastric tenderness on palpation.

Regarding Mr. Brew’s medical and social history, he has been dealing with gastric reflux since 2003 (,) for which he takes OTC medication. Over the last six months, his weight has reduced by 10 kg and he has been experiencing weakness in his daily routine activity (ies). In addition, he consumes 60 cans of alcohol per week.

It is worth noting that he has (a) paternal medical (family?) history of stomach cancer.

It would be greatly appreciated if you could provide (an) urgent assessment and treatment for Mr. Brew as you deem appropriate. Finally please note that (a) detailed lists of Mr. Brew’s medication and test results were attached to the (this) letter.

Please do not hesitate to contact me, if you require further information.

Yours sincerely
 Charge Nurse

Words count: 238

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 7/7

• Clarity 5/7

• Genre & Style 6/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (430)

: (300)

@hadiaghayan0gmail-com

[Siavash Zare]

 

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear director,

Re: Bronwyn Green DOB: 15/03/1950

I am writing to refer Mrs. green (Green), a 69-year-old widow who has been living alone since her husband died 10 years ago that makes her to use (rely on) community services and she was under our care after a right-side hemicolectomy on 20/01/2019.

• عبارت های هایلایت شده نباید در مقدمه نگارش میشدند. در مقدمه باید هدف نامه و یا مشکل اصلی نوشته شده باشد.

** This is a very long single sentence. Add a full stop between your sentences and make them separate.

Rephrased: “I am writing to refer Mrs. Green, a 69-year-old widow who has been living alone since her husband passed away 10 years ago . She has been relying on community services and has been under our care following a right-sided hemicolectomy performed on 20/01/2019.”

 

Mrs. green has admitted (was admitted: passive) to hospital with a diagnosis of low grade carcinoma about 3 weeks ago. She has been suffering from COPD since 2005 that makes her to use oxygen nasal prongs at home. She recently stopped smoking after being a heavy smoker (for) about 20 years and also has (had) (a) complaint of shortness of breath during mobility that indicates she needs oxygen monitoring.

عبارت That makes her to use که تا اینجا دوبار استفاده شده، یعنی “مجبور به انجام (استفاده) از کاری یا چیزی”، و استفاده درستی در این موارد ندارد.

Rephrased: She has been suffering from COPD since 2005 and requires the use of oxygen nasal prongs at home

Mrs. Green has a history of hypertension and depression that (which) are managing (are managed: passive) ** by taking Tiotropium, Fluticasone and Salmeterol inhalers independently at home.

عبارت “independently at home” باید قبلتر از اسامی داروها (در محل ستاره **)، برای بهبود خوانایی جمله نگارش شود.

In terms of her medical progress, her wound (is) well-controlled and her mobility gradually increased (improved) and that (full stop * . *)she can (is able to)  walk by (with) a single point stick and can do her daily activities with (an) increased (improved) mood and well-eating (appetite). Although she has normal oxygen saturation of 91%, she needs supervision and occasionally has urine incontinence.

** Very long Sentences

She will discharge (will be discharged) tomorrow (,) and it would be appreciated if you provide your supervision due to (regarding) her activities and want dressing every 3 days. (and arrange for dressing changes every three days.)

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need further information.

Yours sincerely,

Charge nurse

• جریان اطلاعات در نامه به درستی رعایت نشده و اطلاعات پراکنده در پاراگراف ها نگارش شده.

• خطاهای گرامری زیاد

• جملات به اصرار طولانی نگارش شده اند. استفاده نادرست از جملات مرکب و پیچیده

• Purpose 2/3

• Content 5/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 3/7

  C Overall score: (290)

@mahsa.hz

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Outbreak of threadworms

I am writing to provide information regarding a recent outbreak of threadworms at Toohey Hill Primary School and its treatments. (the treatment options / the appropriate treatments)

Threadworms appear (are visible) on the faeces which are about 1.5cm long and (are*:no verb) active during the night. Commonly, they are (they are commonly*) in warm weathers (weather) and crowded living conditions (,) which are easily spread (spreading easily) between family members, especially between 5-14 year-old children. Adults can (also?) be infected by threadworm’s eggs.

*The second “are” is needed to maintain parallel structure in the sentence, ensuring both parts of the description 

they are commonly …  > They are commonly found in warm weather….

If you (you? Or the children?) have trouble during asleep (trouble sleeping), itchiness around the anus and gastric problems, be aware of threadworms.It can also infect your urinary tract.

In terms of treatment, firstly, you can take Vermox or Combantrin-1 after a consultation with a doctor (,) due to (as) these medicines are not suitable for pregnant women or children under 2. The treatments should implement (be implemented: passive)  for (the) whole family at the same time and be taken again two weeks later to reduce the risk of a reinfestation.

Secondly, it’s important to observe your personal and environmental hygiene(,) such as (including: more formal) morning showers, (using) personal towels, clothes and bed sheets, and keep (keeping) your bathroom and toilet clean. Please wash your hands regularly and keep your nails short to reduce (the) chance of infection.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require further information.

Yours Sincerely,

School Nurse

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 5/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

@Mahsa Hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

 

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Wrenn

Re: Ms Cassandra Kinser, aged 32 years

I am writing regarding Ms Kinser, who requires your profession for her further medical evaluation and treatment after discharge.

جمله هایلایت شده نامفهوم است. “Profession” به معنی “حرفه” است، نه چیزی که فردی ارائه دهد.

✅ who requires your professional expertise

Ms Kinser was admitted to our hospital today with (in) a state of distress and was not forthcoming about her immediate condition👍. She has been experiencing an (“pain” is uncountable) abdominal pain associated with burning (a burning sensation) during urination in the last (for the past) several weeks and (along with) vaginal itchiness. She also reported painful and unprotected sexual intercourses (uncountable) with multiple partners. (,) As well as intermenstrual bleeding over the last three months.

Ms Kinser has had an infected lip laceration and bruised ribs and left eye (a bruised left eye), for which she takes (uses) (an) ice pack compress and Peridex mouthwash twice a day. She also smokes more than 40 cigarettes and drinks up to 12 units of alcohol on a daily basis. (daily)

Ms Kinser is now ready to be discharged after treatment with oral Ciprofloxacin, Oxycodone, and oral Clindamycin.

It would be greatly appreciated if you kindly follow up and review her urine and blood tests , and vaginal swab culture (results?). Please ensure that she is compliant with her prescribed antibiotics. In addition, please make an appointment as soon as possible (“put it at the end of sentence”)with the sexual clinic and social worker.

Yours Sincerely

Charged Nurse

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 5/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (390)

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

 

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director,

Re: Mrs Bronwyn Green , D.O.B: 15/03/1950

✅I am writing to request of ongoing care for Mrs Green, a 68-year-old widow who underwent right-sided hemicolectomy 3-weeks (3 weeks) ago due to low grade (low-grade) of adenocarcinoma.

• “request” نیازی به “of” ندارد.

•  ترکیب صحیح : “right-sided” است.

✅He was admitted to our hospital on 18/01/2019 due to (for) more examination and surgery. When the surgery was done, 5 (five) hours after anaesthesia , she had (developed) metabolic and respiratory acidosis, and when she was in ICU shortness of the breath during mobility bothered her. Today, Mrs Green`s mobility has improved and she can take a shower with minimal assistance. Her spirit (mood) and appetite are better (has improved) than last week. Her condition is stable and tomorrow (she) will be discharged and (changing?) dressing abdominal wound every 3-days is required.

• به جای استفاده از  “when” از مثال های زیر برای اشاره به زمان کمک بگیر:

Rephrased:

• Following the procedure, she developed metabolic and respiratory acidosis.

• While in the ICU, she experienced shortness of breath during movement.

• فعل bother محاوره ای است به جای آن از suffer یا experience استفاده کنید

✅Regarding to her medical history, she has had hypertension since 25 years ago (for 25 years), chronic obstructive pulmonary disease(COPD) since 14 years ago, as well as depression for the last 5 years. Some medications were prescribed, which are attached at the end of the letter.

•  “Regarding to” اشتباه است. “Regarding” به‌تنهایی کافی است.

✅She lives alone since her husband died for 10 years (10 years ago), but her sister lives close (nearby) and comes (visits) to help her occasionally, as well as community services help her to (with) cleaning and shopping.

✅I would appreciate you for your aids. If you require further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely,

Charge Nurse

 

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 5/7

• Clarity 3/7

• Genre & Style 3/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

نقاط ضعف:

1. جایگزینی افعال درست به جای موارد ذکر شده

2. ساختار های جمله

3. استفاده از عبارات و لغات عامیانه به جای رسمی

4. استفاده نادرست از حروف ربط و اضافه

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

 

@shukufe-zarezade

[Siavash Zare]

 

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Cobb

Re: Mrs Margaret Goldstein, Aged 61

✅I am writing regarding Mrs Goldstein, who was admitted to our hospital on 8/11/2018 following an elbow dislocation. She is ready to be discharged (now?) back to your facility and requires your full- time care.

✅She was admitted to our facility (on 8/11/2018) following a fall at (the) Aged Care Home, which  (in which) she was administered Diazepam 2mg due to her distress. She was presented in low levels of discomfort, a bruised coccyx, and a diagnosis of the right elbow dislocation based on an X-ray’s (x-ray) result. She was also disoriented to place and day, possibly due to her fall or her progressive stages of early Alzheimer’s disease, which was detected on (in) 2014.

“She was presented” → “She presented with” زمان فعل گذشته ساده و اکتیو

✅Mrs Goldstein’s right elbow is healing gradually with a cuff and sling. She has had a loss of appetite over the last three days and was required (has required: active) a wheelchair for transfers. Although she has been suffering from an incontinence of bowel or bladder (bowel and bladder incontinence), however*, she is not compliant with disposable briefs. As well as (Additionally, ) she requires an assessment regarding her hygiene activities.

• Although she has …………….. , she is not compliant.

• “As well as” جمله را نمی‌تواند شروع کند، چون وابسته است و نیاز به بخش اصلی دارد. مثال:

• She needs assistance with her medication (1), as well as help with her daily activities (2)

She is medically stable, however, she has been prescribed Candesartan 33/12.5 25 mg daily due to (for) her hypertension and has been prescribed  Oxycodone 5mg three times a day, to be continued as needed.

•  “for” برای اشاره به هدف تجویز دارو بهتر است.

• فعل تکراری “has been prescribed” بعد از and حذف میشود.

It would be greatly appreciated if you could continue monitoring her elbow and kindly refer her to an Urologist (urologist) due to her incontinence. Please consider (note) that an appointment with a Physiotherapist has (been) scheduled regarding her determination of cuff or sling’s usage, on 28/11/2018 at 2pm at Eventide.

• “cuff or sling’s usage” → “cuff or sling usage” → اضافه کردن ‘s در انتهای کلمات برای نشان دادن کاربرد لازم نیست. عباراتی که نشان‌دهنده کاربرد هستند به این صورت ساده‌تر بیان می‌شوند.

Please do not hesitate to contact me for further information.

Yours Sincerely,

Charged Nurse

 

• Purpose 3/3

• Content 6/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (400)

 

 

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director, 

Re: Vamuya Obeki , D.O.B: 23/05/2014 

I am writing a letter to refer Vamuya Obeki, a 4-year-old boy who was admitted to our hospital  on 15/07/2018 for (with) severe meningoencephalitis. 

His family reported signs and symptoms of mumps, and following the examination , he was  diagnosed with acute meningoencephalitis and admitted to the hospital. His parents claim (claimed) that  his vaccines injected (had been administered) regularly, (.) however (,) they do not be sure (are not sure) about the mumps vaccine, and they do  not have any documents. 

Today, he (was: passive) discharged (آیا بیمار ریکاوری شده؟) and referred to (the) community child health service due to (for) neurological  investigations(,) as well as checking the vaccination card`s (cards) of Vamuya and his younger brother. 

He lives with his parents in a rental department (apartment?) in Australia. His father works in a Golden Circle  Pineapple Factory and his mother is a housekeeper. They do not have adequate skills in English  language, while can speak Dinka and Arabic. (Will require interpreter مترجم نیاز دارند ؟)

I would appreciate you to follow-up of this family. If you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

• "appreciate you to follow-up" → "appreciate your follow-up"

Yours sincerely, 

Nurse

• در این رایتینگ discharge plan اهمیت بالایی داشت و هدف و درخواست این نامه این موارد است:

1. Will need advice on recommended vaccines for both children.

2. Will need neurological check-up.

3. Will require interpreter.

• این موارد باید به صورت درخواست در آخر نامه آورده میشد. در پاراگراف سوم این موارد به شکل خبری و نادرست آورده شده اند. در واقع باید به شکل زیر نگارش میشدند:

I would appreciate your follow-up on the recommended vaccines for both children and a neurological check-up. Additionally, an interpreter will be required 

• قسمت هایلایت شده حاوی اطلاعات غیر ضروری است که ارتباطی با تسک و هدف نامه ندارد. شغل پدر و مادر و محل زندگی.

• Purpose 2/3

• Content 3/7

• Clarity 4/7

• Genre & Style 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  C+ Overall score: (310)

@shukufe-zarezade