[ali-tavakolioetbook-ir Ali tavakoli]

سلام به همگی، امیدوارم خوب باشین.

بعلت ملی شدن اینترنت فعلآ امکان برگزاری کلاس های اسپیکینگ وجود نداره.

به محض اکی شدن از طریق گروه تلگرام اطلاع رسانی خواهم کرد.

به امید روزهای بهتر

علی توکلی، مدرس اسپیکینگ گروه اُ ای تی بُک

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Sir/ Madam

Re: Ms Patricia Styles 

I am writing to refer Ms Styles, a 62-year-old widow, for urgent assessment and management regarding possible relapse of her pericarditis.

Initially, (when? 23 Aug) she was admitted to Green Valley Hospital a week ago with fever, pleuritic chest pain, general weakness and tachycardia. On observation, she had a blood pressure of 170/106, RR:29, HR:98 and T:39. She had an elevated ESR, CRP and WCC. ECG and throat swab were performed and she was diagnosed with viral influenza type B and pericarditis. Her condition was managed with IV saline and Ibuprofen and she was discharged five days ago.

• her blood pressure was 170/106 mmHg, respiratory rate 29 breaths per minute, heart rate 98 bpm, and temperature 39°C. این موارد در زمان ویزیت اول بیمار کمتر اهمیت داشت و بهتر بود حذف بشن

On examination today (hospital visit? Home nurse?), she is complaining (complained) of chest pain, shortness of breath and fatigue. She has a low-grade fever (38.1), elevated RR (28) and HR (118). Her blood pressure was 128/75 which is slightly below her normal range (140/75). She feels unwell and there are no signs of improvement in her condition.

Regarding her medical history, she has been diagnosed with hypertension, diabetes mellitus and depression, for which she takes several medications. Please refer to (the) attached sheet for full details. She receives regular counselling to control (manage) her mood swings and to maintain a balanced diet. She is a non-smoker and walks 20 minutes every day.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require any further information. 

Yours sincerely,

Mohammad Rajaei 

Registered Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@M.Rajaei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Gold

Re: Mr George Gale, 85 years old

✅I am writing regarding Mr Gale, an elderly widower who requires further care at your nursing home following a fall.

Mr Gale was admitted to our hospital on 10 May 2021 due to (with) disorientation and fever following a fall on 9 May 2021. He reported weakness, fell backward and striking his head while brushing his teeth. He also experienced a single episode of vomiting, palpitations and dysuria two weeks earlier. Additionally, confusion and elevated vital signs were detected (noted) on examination. Accordingly, urinary tract infection( UTI ) was diagnosed as the possible cause of his fall.

• بعد از due to باید دلیل مراجعه بیاد که fall هست، نه علائم. پس با with جایگزین کردیم.

• He reported feeling weak before falling

✅Mr Gale was under treatment by (with) IV antibiotics for five days and observations revealed normal vital signs without dizziness and palpitations.

• به‌جای عبارت نسبتاً غیرطبیعی “under treatment by”، از فعل رایج‌تر “was treated with” استفاده شود.

• چون سرگیجه و تپش قلب علائم گزارش‌شده توسط بیمار هستند، بهتر است با فعل “he reported”

• “مشاهدات (بررسی‌ها) علائم حیاتی طبیعی را نشان دادند.” >> درست است که از لحاظ گرامری این جمله اشتباه نیست، اما این ساختار کمی غیر رایج است.

• Rephrased:
  Mr Gale was treated with intravenous antibiotics for five days, during which his vital signs remained stable, and he reported no dizziness or palpitations.

Regarding his background, Mr Gale lives alone and is a social drinker and smoker(10 cigs/day). Additionally he consumes (takes) paracetamol 500 mg 2 tablets 4x/day for Osteoarthritis and Felodipine 5mg 1x/day for Hypertension.

• “Take” is the standard verb for regular medication use.

He is ready to be discharged today. However, it is worth noting that he has to be encouraged to do physical activity 30 minutes every day due to his significant lowered mobility (significantly reduced mobility). He is also experiencing episodes of confusion(,) which requires (require) (further) assessment regarding his ability to live independently.

Kindly, it would be appreciated if you could provide further care and assessments regarding Mr Gale.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any further queries.

Charged Nurse

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (380)

 

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms. Hudson

Re: Alice Cooper , BOD: 14 Jun 2009

❌I am writing this letter to provide (to request) a psychological assessment for our school`s student Alice ,10-year-old (for Alice, a 10-year-old student at our school), due to my concerns regarding behaviour (behavioural) changes, low self-esteem and possibly (possible) underlying grief.

Following her father`s death in 2018, frequently(,) Alice has left school by using (for) the (a) variety of reasons such as headaches, stomach-aches and nausea ,and these complaints have been repeated for several times. Despite a great start in school, her concentrate (concentration) and activity has dropped recently .

• School absences: which are be due to psychological rather than physical problems

She has (a) high BMI (21) and uncontrolled hands (hand) eczema(,) which makes her embarrassed in front of her friends .She also has (a) history of mild asthma, which is treated (managed) with Ventolin spray .

Sarah , Alice`s mother, states that Alice and her father were very close together and Alice often talks and cries for his missing (because she misses him). Sarah feels anxious about her being withdraw (withdrawn) at home , therefore she has agreed with (the) referral recommendation.

Should you need further information, please do not hesitate to contact me .

Yours sincerely

School Nurse 

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  C Overall score: (290)

 

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما:

1. گرامر و ساختار جملات:

   • توجه کنید به زمان درست افعال و استفاده از فرم‌های مناسب فعل (مثلاً request به جای provide وقتی درخواست می‌کنید).

   • دقت کنید در استفاده از حروف اضافه (prepositions) مثل for و by که کاربردشان در متن‌های رسمی فرق می‌کند.

   • استفاده از حالت صفت و اسم به درستی (مثلاً behavioural changes نه فقط behaviour changes).

2. زبان رسمی (Formal language):

   • در نامه‌های رسمی از عبارات ساده و دقیق استفاده کنید و از به کار بردن کلمات یا اصطلاحات عامیانه پرهیز کنید.

   • مثال: ب talks and cries for his missing بگوییدAlice often talks about him and cries because she misses him

   • به جای عبارت‌هایی مثل which makes her embarrassed بهتر است از causing embarrassment استفاده شود تا زبان رسمی‌تر و موجزتر باشد.

3. دقت در انتخاب کلمات و اصطلاحات:

   • مطمئن شوید که کلمه درست را در جای درست به کار می‌برید، مثلاً concentration به جای concentrate (اسم به جای فعل).

   • توجه به استفاده صحیح اسامی قابل شمارش و غیرقابل شمارش (مثلاً headacheS چون جمع است).

   • توجه به ساختار جمله، مثلاً a history of mild asthma و managed with به جای treated with.

4. علائم نگارشی و فاصله‌ها:

   • ویرگول‌ها (،)
     

@Khadi

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director

Re: Bronwyn Green, DOB: 15/04/1950

I am writing a referral letter to achieve ongoing care for Mrs. Green, a 69-year-old widow who has been (was) admitted in North West Hospital on 18/01/2019 due to low grade adenocarcinoma, for which she underwent right-side hemicolectomy 2 days later .

• فعل Achieve یعنی دستیابی پیدا کردن (با تلاش) و استفاده از آن در اینجا طبیعی نیست:

  • to ensure ongoing care (برای تضمین مراقبت مداوم)

  • to arrange ongoing care (برای ترتیب دادن مراقبت مداوم)

Following the surgery, she had some complications, including metabolic and respiratory acidosis, for which she spent 5 days in (the) Intensive Care Unit and afterwards she was transferred to Rehabilitation Ward on 30/01/2019 where (she) has stayed (stayed) for 3 weeks (جمله طولانی). She has shown a steady and progressive improvement over this period . Her mobility has increased and she is able to walk with (a) single point stick under supervision. Her appetite has improved. Her abdominal wound was redressed on 30/01/2019 and it is healing well with minimal exudate. Her pain has been managed properly (properly managed) with painkillers .

• ❌Had some complications: ✅experienced/developed

Regarding her medical history, she has been suffering from COPD, Hypertension, anxiety and depression since (for) several years ago and she is taking relevant medications and she has (the) ability to take her medications independently. The names of all her medications have been attached for your perusal. Although her oxygen level is now stable in air room (room air), it will require monitoring. Her mood also is (is also) stable(,) but her anxiety should be monitored .

Mrs Green is supposed to be discharged tomorrow with assisting her sister. Home modifications have been completed to suit her requirements . The wound dressing needs to be changed every 3 days .

• اگر می‌خواهی فقط بگویی «قرار است» و ممکن است اتفاق بیفتد، “supposed to” مناسب است. ولی اگر می‌خواهی مطمئن و رسمی بگویی «زمان ترخیص مشخص و قطعی است»، بهتر است بگویی “scheduled for discharge”.

Should you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me . 

Yours sincerely

Charge Nurse

 Word Counts: 308 (should be 180-200)

طولانی شدن این رایتینگ به دلیل گنجاندن اطلاعات غیرضروری در متن نامه بوده است. لطفاً توجه داشته باشید که رایتینگ باید خلاصه، هدفمند و مطابق با اطلاعات خواسته‌شده در تسک نوشته شود. بخش‌هایی که با رنگ نارنجی هایلایت شده‌اند، جزو اطلاعاتی هستند که بهتر بود حذف شوند یا آورده نشوند. همچنین جملات اصطلاحا wordy هستند یعنی تعداد کلمات اضافی در جمله زیاد است. مثلا:

• She has shown a steady and progressive improvement >> She has made steady progress

• همچنین “she is taking relevant medications and she has ability” طولانی است، بهتر است خلاصه شود. and manages her medications independently

 

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  C+ Overall score: (300)

@Khadi

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Ms. Malia Manfred

Re: Ms. Nina Sharman, DOB: 09.02.1959 

✅I am writing to introduce Ms. Sharman, a 61-year-old single woman with dementia, who requires your urgent assessment for her swallowing function and her nutritional status due to a high risk of aspiration. ✨Nice✨

✅Ms. Sharman is a new resident of (the) Dementia Specific Unit. She was diagnosed with severe dementia in 2018. Therefore, she fairly has the ability to recognize (follow) simple instructions which results (results in) disorientation. She has been relying on full upper and lower dentures since losing all her natural teeth. However, she denies (refuses) wearing dentures at times due to the (her) confusion. As a result, she (recently?When?) experienced an episode of choking on a piece of food which was not chewed properly. 

✅Ms. Sharman weighs 106 kg now and her BMI is 30. A 10 kg of weight gain has been sustained over the last 5 (five) months due to an increased appetite. She usually enjoys consuming 3 full portions of (the) offered meal and wishes (requests) to have more.

✅Ms. Sharman is (has been) on a diabetic diet since 2008. She also has a history of ischemic heart disease since 2011 and bilateral knee osteoarthritis. She also experienced a stroke on (in) 2018 which leaded  (led to) (an) unsteady gait. In addition, she presents (has) with a history of chronic constipation, managed with laxative therapy as needed.

✅Considering the above, your urgent assessment regarding Ms. Sharman is highly appreciated.

Yours sincerely

nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

 

@noushin-norouzian-nezhad

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Sir/Madam,

 Re: Vamuya Obeki

I am writing to refer Vamuya, a four-year-old girl admitted (who was admitted) to (our) hospital with acute meningoencephalitis (following mumps مهم), who requires accurate follow-up after discharge.

• “Accurate” is not the natural collocation >> follow-up care

During hospitalization, Vamuya has made steady progress and did not reveal (develop) any significant issues. She is to be discharged today.

In terms of her social history, she and her family migrated from Sudan to Australia. They have never been seen by a GP. Her father, Abdullah, is employed as a shift worker and her mother, Miri, is a housewife. They have difficulty communicating with others as they don’t speak English.

It is worth noting that Abdullah attends English class and has limited skill in writing and listening. 

They have two children, Vamuya and a two-year-old son and they reported a poor vaccination history for children. Not only are they unaware of mumps vaccine, but they also do not have any documents to verify (previous) vaccination.

• “Poor vaccination history” is awkward; “incomplete”

• “They are not aware of the mumps vaccine”

❌Please ensure that, (no comma needed) they are advised on recommended vaccination for both children .

✅Please advise his parents on recommended vaccines for both children.

• عبارت please ensure they are advised یعنی مطمئن شوید که بهشون توصیه شده، در صورتی که باید به صورت درخواست بیاد یعنی:

• Please advise…

I would recommend scheduling a neurological check-up and arranging for an interpreter.

I would greatly appreciate it if you could give your utmost attention to provide appropriate healthcare services for this family.

Should you require further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 Yours sincerely

 Registered nurse

این رایتینگ در 9 پاراگراف کوتاه نگارش شده. در صورتی که میتونستید جملات مرتبط رو پشت هم بیارید و نیازی به پاراگراف جدید نبود. مثلا کل قسمت هایلایت شده درخواست های شما هست که باید در یک پاراگراف بیاد.

 

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 5/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

@989351456857

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Parent

Re: Outbreak of threadworms

 

I am writing to provide education regarding the recent threadworms (no “s”) outbreak at the Toohey Hill Primary School.

• ❌ “education” → ✅ “information”

• ❌ “the Toohey Hill Primary School” → ✅ “Toohey Hill Primary School”

• وقتی نام معرفه میاد (Toohey) دیگه نیازی به the نیست.

 

Threadworms are commonly seen in children aged 5 to 14. Nevertheless, adults can be infected by the eggs spreading around as well. Therefore, it is essential to treat all the family members at the same time to reduce the risk of reinfection.

• ❌ “Nevertheless” → ✅ “However”

  • “Nevertheless” suggests contrast, but here it’s continuation of information. “However” or “also” is smoother.

•  “by the eggs spreading around” → “through the spread of eggs”

Significant itchiness sensation around the anus during the night is the most notable sign. Other ongoing difficulties with threadworms are sleep impairment including restlessness and teeth grinding while sleeping (during sleep), irritability, loss of appetite and slight (mild) stomach discomfort. Threadworms occasionally could cause urinary track (tract) infection. Fine pieces of the cotton thread up to 1.5 cm long could be visible on the outside surface of faeces. However, many affected people are asymptomatic.

• ❌ “Significant itchiness sensation” → ✅ “significant itching”

 

In terms of treatment, hygiene alongside the medication plays a significant role, including ( .This include..) keeping  the bathroom, toilet, bed-sheets and towels clean. Additionally, hand and nail hygiene, morning bath and frequent cloth changing are highly recommended.

 

Vermox or c(C)ombantrin-1 are available in pharmacies, requiring consultation prior to onset. Please note, these medications are not suitable for pregnant women and children under two years old.

• ❌ “requiring consultation prior to onset” → ✅ “consultation with a pharmacist is recommended before starting treatment”

  • “Onset” is not correct here; more natural phrasing given.

Please do not hesitate to contact me, if you require any further information.

 

Your sincerely

School Nurse

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  B Overall score: (370)

 

@noushin-norouzian-nezhad

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs.Martinson,

Re:Mr.Kenneth Phillips,DOB:05/05/1973

I am writing to refer this patient, a 46-year-old widower , (no comma) who was admitted to the hospital on 10/01/2019 for undergoing (to undergo) (a) bilateral lung transplant. He has been suffering from an interstitial lung disease since 2012.

He underwent the pulmonary surgery, and post-operative treatment was performed (provided) in the ICU. After 10 days, he was transferred to the Thoracic ward. During hospitalization on (in) this ward, despite blood oxygen saturation of 99%, he was anxious and dependant to (on) oxygen therapy. Due to having (a) pressure ulcer, she (he) (was) required to use a pressure relief mattress. The patient’s  recovery was progressively. On 15/02/2019, for ongoing care he was transferred to the rehabilitation ward. process of wound healing was well. The patient was able to walk without experiencing of shortness of breath, but he required supervision for his mobility.

• ✅despite having an oxygen saturation of 99%, he remained anxious and…

• ❌ “she required to use” → ✅ “he required the use of a pressure…”

• ❌Progressive: یعنی پیش رونده → برای بیمار استفاده میشه

• ✅The patient’s recovery was promising = (بهبودی بیمار امیدوارکننده بود (نشانه‌های خوبی داشت

• ❌ “process of wound healing was well” → ✅ “wound-healing process was satisfactory”

• On 15/02/2019,for ongoing care he was transferred to the rehabilitation ward (for ongoing care)

• در این جمله ترتیب عبارات اشتباه. عبارت دلیل “for ongoing care” باید اخر بیاد. رجوع شود به “جلسه رایتینگ: ترتیب کلمات در جمله”

(At discharge,) Mr.Phillips is walking independently. His appetite also is well (good) ,and regimen diet is on low listeria and thin fluids. Unfortunately,due to urinary incontinence,he (is) required to wear (a) pull up pad. A wound dressing on his coccyx must be changed every 3 days. oxygen situation and  anxiety  need  to observed (monitored). He has been taking several medications, which were (are) recorded on his dossier, and (.) He is able to self medicate, but supervision is required. The patient lives alone ,but is supported by his sister who also lives in the same area.

•  اول پاراگراف رو به زمان حال با یک time marker تبدیل کنیم تا مشخص باشه که وضعیت بیمار در حال حاضر است.

• ❌ “his appetite also is well” → ✅ “His appetite is good” 

• ❌ “regimen diet is on low listeria and thin fluids” → ✅ “his diet consists of low-listeria foods and thin fluids” (grammar and clarity).

• آوردن Unfortunately اول جمله حس قضاوت رو القا میکنه. اینکه بیمار بی اختیار است یک مشکل پزشکی است و نباید با واژه “متاسفانه” همراه شود.

• Observe معمولا به معنی «مشاهده کردن» است، یعنی فقط نگاه کردن یا توجه کردن. فعل Monitor جایگزین بهتری است.

• جمله ها رو بیش از حد طولانی نکنید. و برای بیش از دو عبارت نقطه بگذارید و جمله جدید شروع کنید:

• He has been taking several medications, which are recorded in his dossier. He is able to self-medicate, but supervision is required

I appreciate grateful if you could take over his ongoing care for best treatment as you think. Please do not hesitate to call me  if you have any further questions.

❌ “I appreciate grateful” → ✅ “I would appreciate it if you..”

Yours Sincerely,

Nurse Nahid Soltani

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

 

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

 Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear ; Mr Loretta Pasquale

Re; Mr George Chien, 54-year-old

Mr. Chien was admitted to hospital under our care on 10/01/2018. He has been suffering from swelling and fluid in his right knee, Following  swelling and pain (which) have severely limited his mobility.

• ❌ “to hospital” → ✅ “to the hospital” (article needed).

• ❌ “right Knee” → ✅ “right knee” (lowercase).

• ❌ “swelling and fluid” → ✅ “swelling and fluid built-up”

Regarding to (regarding) his medical history, Mr.Chien has a diagnosis  of osteoarthritis and underwent a total knee replacement last year.

During the hospitalisation, the patient’s condition is steady progress, swelling was treated by (with) ice pack and painkillers. The incision site healed well. However, the patient continued to experience a limited range of motion in the (his right) Knee.

• ❌ “condition is steady progress” → ✅ “condition showed steady progress”

The patient is now ready for discharge with the assistance of his family. He has (a) front-wheel chair.

If you require any further information , please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely,

Nurse BEHNAZ

Word Count: 120 words

• تعداد کم کلمات نشان می‌دهد که برخی اطلاعات مهم ذکر نشده است.

• مقدمه نامه به درستی نوشته نشده و در متن هیچ درخواستی به چشم نمی‌خورد. (نمره هدف 1 از 3 که به تنهایی 100 نمره کم شده)

• همچنین هدف نامه به‌طور واضح مشخص نیست. به عنوان مثال می‌توانستید چنین عبارتی اضافه کنید:

• “Kindly provide acute and comprehensive rehabilitation of Mr Chien’s right knee.”

لطفا جلسات کورس رایتینگ تماما مرور شوند. همچنین نمونه رایتینگ های دیگر زبان آموزان در بخش “رایتینگ های تصحیح شده” کمک شایانی خواهد کرد.

• Purpose: 1/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

  C Overall score: (260)

 

@9132180654