[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Ponsford

Re: Mr Lionel Ramamurthy, Aged 63

✅I am writing regarding Mr Ramamurthy, who was admitted on 04 February 2019 with a diagnosis of Pneumonia, and he will return to your care upon his discharge tomorrow.

• ❌ “Pneumonia” → ✅ “pneumonia”

✅Mr Ramamurthy was presented (presented:active) with acute dyspnoea associated with wheezing, fever, and sleeplessness. He reported chest and abdominal pain following a persistent cough. He also felt weak and required a walking frame for his daily activities.

• ❌ “felt weak” → ✅ “experienced weakness” more formal

✅After a week of hospitalization, Mr Ramamurthy has made good progress overall. His inflammatory markers (have returned) returned to normal. He is now afebrile and able to perform his personal hygiene and (daily) activities more independently. He has been encouraged to ambulate regularly and perform breathing and coughing exercises to relieve his signs of dry cough and chest pain.

✅Kindly administer Paracetamol for Mr Ramamurthy’s chest and abdominal pain, if needed (required). Please keep him warm and continue monitoring his diet to maintain a good nutritional status by taking adequate fluids and healthy foods, (and) to help him gain weight. Additionally, ensure that his postural drainage is performed while sitting, rather than lying down. Kindly arrange a check-up for his poor eyesight regarding a cataract operation 16 months ago.

Rephrased: Kindly arrange an eyesight check-up, as he continues to experience poor eyesight following cataract surgery 16 months ago

Please do not hesitate to contact me for any further queries.

Yours Sincerely,

Charge Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

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• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director

Re:Ms Bronwyn Green,aged 68

✅I am writing to refer this patient, a 68-year-old widow who was admitted three weeks ago with (a) diagnosis of  low-grade adenocarcinoma.

❌She underwent a right-side hemicolectomy on 20/01/2019. Post-surgery care was provided in the ICU. Due to (following) a five-hour anaesthesia, she sustained (developed) respiratory and metabolic acidosis. During hospitalization in this ward, she was on oxygen therapy with oxygen saturation of 98%. Due to experiencing short (shortness) of breath during mobility, she was required to assist with the walking. After five days,Ms Green was transformed (transferred)  to the rehabilitation ward for ongoing care, and  has been in this ward until today. Over this period,her condition has been promising. Her dependency to (on) oxygen therapy has decreased. The wound-healing process has been  satisfactory. Currently, the patient’s mood and appetite is (are) good. Her mobility has made a steady progress, and she requires using a single point stick .Due to urinary incontinence, she is required to wear a  pull up pad.

• Sustain:  یعنی “تحمل کردن” یا “حفظ کردن”

• ببینید رایتینگ شما 260 کلمه است که بیشتر از حد معموله… که نشون میده اطلاعاتی در متن اومده که اضافی است. این اطلاعات رو بنده با رنگ قرمز هایلایت کردم. دقت کنید که هدف نامه اینه که پرستار بعدی بدونه باید برای بیمار چیکار کنه. و مواردی مثل آنچه در بخش icu گذشت اهمیتی ندارد و نباید در نامه آورده میشدند.

• ❌ “she was required to assist with the walking.” → ✅ “she required assistance with walking.”

• ❌ Depend to → ✅ depend on

• ❌ “a steady progress,” → ✅ “steady progress,” (remove article “a”).

• ❌ “and she requires using a single point stick.” → ✅ “however she requires the use of a single-point stick.”

✅Regarding her medical and social history, she has been suffering from hypertension, COPD, anxiety and depression, for which takes several medications. The patient has a history of smoking although she has  stopped that recently.

She is due to be discharged tomorrow. Please note, wound-dressing (wound dressing) must be changed every three days. Her anxiety and oxygen therapy need to be monitored. The patient is able to  be self-medicate. At the time of discharge, Ms Green will be accompanied by her sister.

I would appreciate it if you could take over this patient’s care. Please do not hesitate (to contact me?) if you have any further questions.

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (350)

 

@user-231873