[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Roberts

Re: Ann Hall, DOB 19 Sep 1972

✅I am writing to refer Miss Hall, a 45-year-old teacher, (no comma needed) who presented with dysphagia and abdominal pain, (no comma needed) for investigation of her upper GI and an endoscopy. (for upper gastrointestinal investigation, including endoscopy.)

✅Today(,) Miss Hall attended to my practice with a complaint of dysphagia to solid foods since two weeks ago (for the past two weeks), after contacting  (following) an upper respiratory tract viral infection, for which she self- medicated with some herbal OTC remedies (OTC herbal remedies). She was complaining of epigastric pain radiating to (her) back and has lost 2 kg of her weight as well.

She feeled (felt) no sensation of a lump and there was no evidence of anxiety, (.) however(,) recently she has (she has recently) increased her coffee consumption and occasionally takes aspirin. On (Regarding her) past medical history she is not smoker since 2002 and is a social drinker. She is overweight since 10 years ago and has a history of dyspepsia on (in) 2012.

• She did not report any sensation of a lump

• she has not smoked since 2002

She was recommended to decrease caffeine and alcohol intake and not taking (to avoid) OTC medications(,) and was prescribed pentoprazole. 

I would be appreciated (would appreciate) your assessment and management of her condition and (including) an endoscopy. If you had (have) any queries please don’t (do not) hesitate to reach out.

Yours sincerely

Dr Mahmood Moghimi

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  B Overall score: (360)

 

@mahmood

[mahmood moghimi]

یک سوال دیگه اینکه ایا پاراگراف ها را با هم ادغام کردید؟ مثلا سوابق را اوردین توی پاراگراف دوم

این به خاطر کوتاهی پاراگراف ها بود ؟

• پاسخ ویرایش شده 2 ماه، 2 هفته پیش توسط  Siavash Zare.

[mahmood moghimi]

کلمه dispepsia را هم من اشتباه نوشته بودم که انگار در متن شما اتومات اصلاح شده بود

[mahmood moghimi]

کدام اشتباهات مربوط به genre and style بود ؟

[mahmood moghimi]

کلمه pantoprazole را هم اشتباه نوشته بودم

[mahmood moghimi]

چت جی پی تی بهم 31 از 38 داد

[mahmood moghimi]

چت جی پی تی هم بعد از teacher کاما گذاشته

[mahmood moghimi]

سلام با تشکر از تصیحیح و راهنمایی شما

1 توی متن جواب خود سایت بعد از teacher کاما گذاشته

2کلمه contacting منظورم contracting بوده

3 کلمه clarity and consciousness ؟

[Siavash Zare]

Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Doctor

Re: Ms Cathy Jones 25 years age

✅I am writing to request an urgent admission for Ms Jones, a 25-year-old single patient who has (is presenting with) clinical features suggestive of (an) ectopic pregnancy.

✅Ms Jones presented to my clinic yesterday evening, complaining of a lower abdominal pain, which worsened in the right iliac fossa. She stated that she could not remember her last menstrual period, and an irregular bleeding was mentioned (“Active voice” is more appropriate here**). On examination, a mild right iliac fossa tenderness was identified without a rebound or guarding tenderness. A slight tender area in her right fornix was noted on the vaginal examination, and her vital signs were normal. She was advised to return to the clinic tomorrow morning (following morning) for reassessment, and (to) take (undergo) a blood test.

• “Pain” is uncountable

• “tenderness” is uncountable

• ✅**She stated …… and mentioned ….

✅On today’s visit, she reported that the pain (had) worsened overnight, along with some mild vaginal bleeding. Examination revealed Ms Jones’ right iliac fossa was more tender than her previous visit, accompanying (accompanied) with a guarding and rebound tenderness. Her vaginal examination also showed a cervical excitation and a severe tenderness in the right fornix, and her pregnancy test was positive. Subsequently, My provisional diagnosis was (is) an ectopic pregnancy.

• “excitation ” is uncountable >> symptoms are typically uncountable

✅Please note, Ms Jones has been taking progesterone-only pill (POP) for contraception for the past two months. I would appreciate it if you could urgently admit this patient for further assessment and management.

If you have any further inquiries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely yours

Dr. Sally Brown

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (400)

@user-678891

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr. McArdle
Re: Mr. Yanlin Ma
D.O.B: 12/03/1986 

✅I am writing to refer Mr.Ma, a 32-year-old international PhD student who requires follow-up care following emergency cardiothoracic surgery performed two weeks ago. 

✅Mr. Ma was admitted to our hospital on 31 March with pulmonary oedema and severe chest and back pain. Imaging studies revealed a type A aortic dissection and aortic valve incompetence. Consequently, he underwent open-chest surgery for dissection repair and aortic root replacement with a mechanical valve. 

✅Postoperatively, he has made a satisfactory recovery, and his blood pressure stabilised within three days. A physiotherapist provided an exercise program, and cardiac outpatient appointments were scheduled at (for) three and six months post-operation. 

✅At discharge today, Mr. Ma was prescribed warfarin, antihypertensives, analgesics, and antibiotics. Ongoing management includes routine wound care, INR monitoring (target range 2.5–3.5) and blood pressure monitoring (target<120/80). Isosorbide mononitrate and clonidine can be weaned once his blood pressure stabilises. Endone should be discontinued when pain is manageable. 

✅Please note that Mr. Ma has a 2-year history of hypertension, and his father died at the age of 44 due to an aortic aneurysm. He is a smoker and is overweight (BMI 30) for which education including smoking cessation and weight loss was provided as well as referral to Toowong Cardiac Rehabilitation. 

✅I would appreciate (it) if you could consider this patient. Please contact me if you require any further information.

 Yours sincerely,
Dr. Ross McIntyre
Cardiothoracic Surgeon
Spirit Hospital

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 7/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 7/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 6/7

  A Overall score: (470)

 

@mobina-sharifzadeh

 

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Omar,

Re: Mrs. Somarni Khaze

DOB: 12/04/1972

✅I am writing to refer Mrs. Khaze , a 46-year-old mother of 4 who requires your consultation about (regarding) (the) possibility of undergoing immediate reconstructive surgery after being diagnosed with a moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma in her left breast. 

• استفاده از واژه “possibility” در این جمله باعث می‌شود که منظور گنگ شود، در حالی‌که اگر بیمار تمایل خودش به جراحی بازسازی را ابراز کرده و شما صرفاً برای مشاوره و ادامه‌ی روند به متخصص ارجاع می‌دهید، بهتر است جمله‌ای مستقیم‌تر و روشن‌تر داشته باشیم. نسخه بهتر را در پایین بخوانید: 

I am writing to refer Mrs Khaze, a 46-year-old mother of four, for consultation and urgent reconstructive surgery following her diagnosis of moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma in the left breast. She has expressed her preference to undergo surgery under your care. (جمله آخر واجب نیست)

✅On 22/10/2018 , she first presented to me complaining of a 6 months history of a (an) almond-size mass in her left breast with no growth (no change in size) over that period of time. Examination revealed a firm, non-tender , 2×2 cm , marginally ill-defined lump in her left breast(,) accompanied by some palpable mobile axillary nodules , and the right breast was normal. In view of having a history of a right breast lumpectomy due to a benign lesion in 2013  and a positive cancer history (family history of cancer) in her sister , a mammogram and an ultrasound were ordered. 

• with a six-month history of

✅On review 3 days ago, her left breast ultrasound showed variable echogenicity  and mammogram revealed a highly malignancy suspicious area and (along with) some axillary nodules. Therefore, a core biopsy was carried out and different treatment options were discussed . Additionally, diazepam 10 mg at night was prescribed to relieve her anxiety of results and associated sleep disturbance. 

✅Please note , Mrs. Khaze’s mammogram was normal 2 years ago and she is not on any regular medication. In terms of social history, she has never been a smoker or alcohol consumer. (بهتر بود آورده نشه)

• Regarding her social history

✅It would be greatly appreciated if you could assess her condition. Should you require any further information , please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Meisam Mirzaei

GP

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (390)

 

@989140459378

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Doctor

 

Re: Amina Ahmed

DOB: 12/08/2011

✅I am writing to refer this 8-year-old girl who has been diagnosed with meningococcal meningitis and requires your urgent admission.

• به جای has been diagnosed بهتر بود از عبارت زیر استفاده بشه. چون بداهه این معنا القا میشه که بیمار از قبل تشخیص داده شده.

• presenting with signs and symptoms suggestive of meningococcal meningitis.

✅5 (Five) days ago, she first presented with signs and symptoms suggestive of a viral infection. She was advised to take rest and (take) paracetamol. 3 days later, she returned complaining of permanent (persistent) headaches, lethargy and a poor appetite as well as difficulty in controlling fever (an uncontrolled fever).  Hence, she was prescribed Brufen , and blood and urine tests were arranged.

• اعداد کوچکتر از 10 رو به شکل کلمه بنویسید

✅Today, her parents were concerned (reported concern) regarding Amina’s lethargy along with worsening headaches and vomiting on 2 separate occasions. On examination, a neck stiffness and a maculopapular rash over lower limbs were observed. Her temperature was detected 40.2 and pulse rate was 110.  Blood test results revealed a leukocytosis (18000) with a shift to (the) left (a left shift). Please note, the first dose of penicillin IV has been administered.

✅Given the information above, it would be greatly appreciated if you could urgently provide her with further assessment and care.

✅Should you require any information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Dr Meisam Mirzaei

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

 

@989140459378

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr. Wright

Re: Ms Sandra Marcus D.O.B: 15 January 1983

✅I am writing to refer Ms Sandra Marcus, a 36-year-old woman working as a librarian(,) due to possible signs of thyroid malignancy. I believe she needs (requires) your urgent assessment.

✅Ms Marcus initially presented to my clinic on 12/05/2019 due to (with) fever, sore throat, and general malaise after an overseas trip to India. She was asymptomatic, therefore she was advised to take fluids and rest. 2 (two) months later, she visited me (returned/revisited) due to (with) a neck swelling. On examination, an anterior neck swelling (2×2 cm) was detected, and (a) neck ultrasound, as well as (along with) TFTs was (were) ordered.

✅On (at) the next visit (when?), multiple thyroid nodules with calcifications on both lobes were reported and multi-nodular goiter was diagnosed. Initially she was reluctant to have an operation, however on today’s appointment she agreed with surgery. She has been experiencing an increase in swelling for 1 (one) month. Moreover, she has had dysphagia since 3 weeks ago, and dysphonia for 1 week. I also noticed on today’s examination (اول جمله بیاد), an increase in thyroid size, limitation of (limited) mobility, and enlarged lymph nodes on the right side. She uses Ventolin reliever inhaler due to (for)(her) asthma, and has no drug allergies. She has a positive family history of cancer(,) for which her mother died due to colon cancer aged 72 years. (at age 72)

Should you have any further queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Doctor

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 6/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

 

@user-511411

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

 

Thank you for seeing Mrs Sharma, a 60-year-old type 2 diabetic who has a poor control of blood sugar level despite of increasing her medications. Mrs Sharma has been having (has had) type 2 diabetes for 20 years now and has been (is) on metformin and glipizide. She has a strong family history of diabetes. Her weight is (has remained) steady (BMI of 25) and her eye examination on (in) October 2017 revealed no problem. (no abnormalities/issues)

• a 60-year-old “NAME” : یک “خانم/بیمار/معلم” 60 ساله << نیاز به اسم دارد

• a 60-year-old woman with type 2 diabetes

•  “poor control” (بدون “a”)

• ✅ “who has poor control of blood sugar despite increasing her medications.”

  • “despite” خودش یک حرف اضافه است و نیازی به “of” نداره. با “in spite of” اشتباه نشه.

She initially presented on 29 Dec 2018 worring of (with concerns about) poor control of her blood sugar which were between 6-18 mmol/L(,) while she was on metformin 500 mg twice a day and glipizide two 5 mg tablets in the morning. She had a good appearance, reported a balanced diet and normal micturition, but no regular exercises. On examination(,) her blood pressure was 155/100(,) so candesartan was commenced 4 mg every morning. Pathology report (Her/the pathology results) showed high Hb A1c level (10%) and cholesterol (6.2), so(,) metformin changed from 500 mg twice daily to 750 mg and atrovastatin was added.

• “glipizide 5 mg (two tablets)”

• but did not engage in regular physical activity.

• candesartan 4 mg was commenced once daily

• So >> Consequently “more formal”

• pathology report >> 05/01/2019 

After one month (2 weeks), her home-monitored BP has been in range (within the normal range) and Sugares (blood sugar levels) improved as well as subsequent(?) blood tests for lipids were unremarkable. Since then her non-fasting blood sugars are 7-8 but fasting blood sugars are usually over 16, which are high.

• Since then, her non-fasting blood sugars have been between 7 and 8 mmol/L, while her fasting blood sugars have remained above 16 mmol/L, which is considered high.

I would appreciate it if you could provide your expert opinion on Mrs Sharma’s sugar level and recommend a management plan. Should you require more information, feel free to contact me.

• “Blood sugar levels

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Mahmood Moghimi

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C Overall score: (300)

اشتباهات زبانی زیاده، خیلی از ایرادات در جلسات و دوره توضیح داده شده، همچنین مرور “رایتینگ‌های تصحیح شده” سایت به شما کمک زیادی میکند. پیشنهاد میشه روی گرامر مرور و تمرین داشته باشید و رایتینگ‌های بیشتری برای تصحیح اضافه کنید.

 

@mahmood

[mahmood moghimi]

thank you

could you tell me the meaning of a sentence in the sample writing of the site

glipizide 5 mg twice in the morning

?what’s the meaning

?does it mean two 5mg tablet in the morning

[Siavash Zare]

It means the patient takes two 5 mg doses of glipizide in the morning (total 10 mg).

[mahmood moghimi]

hi thank you for correcting my letter also for your very good recommendations

in your sentence about fasting blood sugars

“is it correct to write “which is high

because its plural

[Siavash Zare]

Even though blood sugars is plural, “which is high” refers to the level (a singular, implied concept), not the sugars themselves.

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

• Word Count: 324 words

• زیاد بودن تعداد کلمات در رایتینگ نشان می‌دهد که یا اطلاعات غیرضروری در نامه گنجانده شده است یا جملات بیش از حد طولانی و اصطلاحاً wordy هستند.

Re: Mrs Sormini Khaze, DOB: 12 April 1972

Dear Dr Omar,

Thank you for seeing Mrs Sormini Khaze, a married woman whose features are consistent with moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma in the biopsy result of her left breast; therefore, I am referring for (to) a request of urgent reconstructive surgery for her due to breast cancer.

• موارد هایلایت شده باید حذف شوند. نتیجه بیوپسی در ادامه نامه میاد در نه در مقدمه و اینجا صرفا تکرار شده. و عبارت آخر “به دلیلی سرطان سینه” اضافی هست.

• “I am referring for a request of urgent reconstructive surgery for her”

• “I am referring her for urgent reconstructive surgery”

• خلاصه‌تر:

• “Thank you for seeing Mrs Sormini Khaze, who has been diagnosed with moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma of the left breast, for whom I am requesting urgent reconstructive surgery.”

• “ I am writing to refer Mrs Sormini Khaze, who has been diagnosed with moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma of the left breast, for urgent reconstructive surgery.”

On 22 October 2018, Mrs Khaze presented with a lump in her left breast that was discovered from 6 months ago, which is (was) painless, almond-size without any change in size(??), and no nipple discharge. On examination, her BMI was overweight and a 2×2 cm lump in her left breast was detected that was painless, firm, and ill-defined margins. There were palpable(,) mobile lymph nodes in her axillary (axilla), however CVS, ABD, and RS were normal. I ordered some tests for (to) rule out of breast cancer.

• ❌ “was discovered from 6 months ago” → ✅ “had been noticed six months earlier”

• ❌ “BMI was overweight” → ✅ “she was overweight” (BMI is a number; clinically we say someone is overweight or with high BMI).

Two weeks later, Mrs Khaze returned with anxiety of her results for which her blood pressure was 150/90. Ultrasound showed a (an) 18 × 16 mm nodule in her left breast and mammogram revealed an area with highly suspicious of malignancy in her left breast with multiple nodules of (in) her axilla. I consented (I obtained consent for) a core biopsy to confirm her diagnosis and prescribed diazepam for her stress.

• ❌ “with anxiety of her results” → ✅ “anxious about her results”

• ❌ “highly suspicious of malignancy” → ✅ “highly suspicious for malignancy”

Today, Mrs Khaze’s biopsy results showed a moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma in her left breast. She has 4 children and a history of lumpectomy in her right breast for benign lesions and there was not (no) possibility of malignancy in her mammogram for 2 years ago. Her sister had breast cancer for 7 years ago that was treated by mastectomy and axillary clearance was followed by chemotherapy.

• ❌ “biopsy result” → ✅ “biopsy results”

  • Usually plural in formal medical reporting.

• ❌ “there was not possibility of malignancy in her mammogram for 2 years ago” → ✅ “her mammogram 2 years ago showed no evidence of malignancy”

I would appreciate (it) if you could manage an urgent reconstructive surgery for this patient.

Should you need more information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (330)

---

 

۱. اصل «مختصر و مفید» رو رعایت کن

همونطور که خودت هم متوجه شدی، یکی از چالش‌های این رایتینگ، تعداد زیاد کلمات بود. توی نامه‌های رسمی، به خصوص نامه‌های پزشکی، باید اطلاعات رو به شکل مستقیم و بدون حاشیه بیان کنی. جملات طولانی و تکراری می‌تونن خواننده رو گیج کنن.

• به جای: “I am referring for a request of urgent reconstructive surgery for her due to breast cancer.”

• بنویس: “I am writing to refer Mrs Khaze for urgent reconstructive surgery.”

۲. به گرامر و ساختار جمله بیشتر توجه کن

درست استفاده کردن از زمان فعل‌ها (tenses) و حروف اضافه (prepositions) توی رایتینگ خیلی مهمه. مثلاً دقت کن که چه زمانی از “ago” استفاده می‌کنی و چه زمانی از “earlier”. همچنین، حرف اضافه‌ای که بعد از کلمات می‌آد رو به خاطر بسپار. مثلاً “rule out” همیشه با “to” میاد، نه “for”.

۳. از واژگان مناسب استفاده کن

سعی کن از واژگانی استفاده کنی که طبیعی و رایج هستن. مثلاً به جای “BMI was overweight” بهتره از “she was overweight” یا “she had a high BMI” استفاده کنی.

@989124149700

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr. Pulford

Re: Ms. Catherine Wilsdale

✅I am writing to provide information regarding your patient, Ms. Wilsdale , following our discussion and recommendations at the pharmacy. 

✅She presented to my pharmacy on 23/03/23 and reported symptoms such as (including) headache, (a) blocked nose, diarrhea, cramps and nausea. She requested medication to relieve her symptoms.

✅Upon inquiry, she mentioned that she had experienced these symptoms 3 times in the last month and she was concerned about their frequency and duration.She stated that she has a gluten allergy but she hasn’t (had not) consumed gluten. Although, (no comma) she has consumed gluten-free pasta, after that she has experienced symptoms. She also has a family history of gluten allergy and coeliac disease.

• “Although, she has consumed…” → هم از نظر ساختار هم زمان اشتباهه؛ بهتره ساده‌تر و گذشته بیاری.

• “after that she has experienced” → اشتباه؛ باید “experienced” یا “had experienced” باشه.

She stated that she has a gluten allergy but had not consumed gluten. However, she reported that after eating gluten-free pasta, she experienced symptoms.

✅I recommended taking antihistamines to decrease her symptoms and** if her symptoms getting worse (worsen) contact her doctor. I (also) advised her that it is crucial to monitor her future diet and discuss to the dietitian regarding her wheat allergy. (missing: suspected a possible wheat allergy.)

• ❌ “discuss to the dietitian regarding her wheat allergy” → ✅ “discuss her wheat allergy with a dietitian”

• ✅Discuss something with someone.

• ** I recommended taking … and to contact her doctor if symptoms worsen

✅I would greatly appreciate it if you could investigate her possible wheat allergy, I will also inform her Gp about our discussion. 

✅If you have any questions, do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Mahboobe Etaat

Pharmacist

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@2480011763

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Benerjee,

Re: Ms Eleanor Bennet

D.O.B: 06/12/1975 

Word count: 290 (180-200)

I am writing to refer Ms Bennet, a 45-year-old divorced woman with 2 children who requires (an) assessment of her medications following a heart attack. 

Ms Bennet had been admitted in hospital (Oakville General Hospital) on 8 February following her (a) heart attack at  (the) airport after a long-haul flight. She had experienced jaw aches, nausea and shortness of breath, and (a) defibrillator was subsequently applied by (a) first-aider. Her condition was managed with (a) balloon-expandable stent via (the) groin.

• ❌ “had been admitted in hospital” → ✅ “was admitted to Oakville hospital”

• “بستری شدن” باید به صورت passive بیاد. همچنین زمان گذشته ساده. همچنین حرف اضافه to >> بیمار بستری شد

• ❌ “jaw aches” → ✅ “jaw ache”

One month ago, Ms Bennet was discharged, and was advised to take 4 weeks off work. Consequently, captopril (50mg twice a day) and atorvastatin (80mg daily) were prescribed, and lifestyle changes were recommended. She exhibited stress due to a poor relationship with her mother (her carer), and had poor compliance with her cardiac rehabilitation sessions.

• ❌ “She exhibited stress…” → ✅ “She has exhibited stress…”

• ❌ “and had poor compliance” → ✅ “and has shown poor compliance”

• Present perfect is better here to connect past discharge with ongoing effect.

Today, Ms Bennet presented with concerns of side effects of captopril, and reported dizziness, headaches and episodes of diarrhoea. She requested to discontinue (discontinuation) of captopril, and is reluctant to start a new medication. 

• ❌ “concerns of side effects” → ✅ “concerns about the side effects”

Please note that she has a family history of heart disease in her father (father’s side). Ms Bennet is a smoker (20 cigarettes a day) and (is) overweight (BMI 29), and she has increased her alcohol intakes (intake) to 40 units per week. Additionally, she reported extreme stress regarding the care of her children, who mainly live with their father.

I would appreciate it if you could review of medications of this patient, and encourage her to make some changes in her lifestyle. Please contact me if you need any further information.

• ❌ “review of medications of this patient” → ✅ “review this patient’s medications”

Yours sincerely,

Dr….

اشکالات اصلی در متن شما به شرح زیر است:

1. اطلاعات غیرضروری زیاد بود. من بخش‌های اضافه را برایتان هایلایت کرده‌ام. از حجم کلی رایتینگ مشخص است که اطلاعات خارج از موضوع اصلی زیاد بوده است. هدف: داروهای بیمار نیاز به ارزیابی دارند و بیمار باید به تغییر سبک زندگی تشویق شود. توضیحاتی مثل محل بروز سکته قبل بستری و علائم اولیه، وضعیت تاهل و داشتن فرزند ارتباطی با هدف نامه ندارند.

2. عدم رعایت صحیح آرتیکل‌ها. در چند بخش، از “a” و “the” به‌درستی استفاده نشده بود که دقت در این مورد ضروری است.

3. اشتباه در زمان افعال. در برخی جملات از زمان نادرست استفاده شده است. لطفاً مواردی که برایتان مشخص کرده‌ام را بررسی و تحلیل کنید تا بتوانید در نوشته بعدی خود به‌درستی به‌کار ببرید.

منتظر رایتینگ بعدی شما هستم.

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (350) با ارفاق

لطفا وبینارهای رایتینگ و درس زیر مطالعه شوند:

وبینارهای رایتینگ

درس آرتیکل‌ها (A, An, The)

@mobina-sharifzadeh

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Mrs Jane MacIntyre    D.O.B: 01/03/1980

Dear Dr Childers,

✅Thank you for seeing Mrs Jane MacIntyre, a 39-year-old woman, (no comma needed) requiring (who requires) your further antenatal assessment and management considering her age, previous pre-eclampsia and caesarean section.

«requiring» شکل کوتاه‌شده‌ی «who is/was requiring» هست و یعنی «که نیاز دارد».
 اما این فرم بیشتر وقتی استفاده می‌شود که جمله درباره‌ی وضعیت فعلی بیمار باشد، نه در جمله‌ی رسمیِ تشکر یا معرفی. مثلاً:

 ✅ She was admitted to hospital requiring oxygen therapy.

Mrs MacIntyre presented following a positive home pregnancy test, reporting that her last menstrual period was on 26/01/2019. In terms of her obstetric history, she has had severe pre-eclampsia in her first pregnancy(,) for which she underwent (a) Caesarean section at 32 weeks (at 32 weeks of gestation). Furthermore, she has a positive family history of thrombosis and is heterozygous for factor V Leiden(,) for which low molecular weight heparin was administered during both her pregnancies. While she has had two miscarriages, her second pregnancy was uncomplicated.

Rephrased: for which she received low molecular weight heparin during both pregnancies

• البته اشکالی که در اینجا هست اینه که شما تا قبل این به حاملگی دوم اشاره نکرده بودید و در جمله بعدش اشاره شده.

✅Today, she was complaining of 3-day dysuria. All physical examination (findings) were normal. (A) Urine dipstick has revealed 3+ protein, +2 nitrites and +1 blood. She was commenced on Tinzaparine 3.500 units daily subcutaneously, Cefalexin 500mg every 6 hours for 5-day course (for 5 days) and Folic acid 400 mg (daily?) until 12 weeks of pregnancy. Please note that (a) nuchal translucency scan was (is) arranged (advised) and routine antenatal blood test results will be sent to your center.

• ❌ “was complaining of 3-day dysuria” → ✅ “presented with a 3-day history of dysuria”

✅In view of the above findings, your obstetric assessment and further care and birth management would be appreciated.

Should you require any additional information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Doctor

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

@shailin

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dietitian, 

Re: Alex Roden (DOB: 24 September 1951) 

✅I am writing to refer Mr. Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widowed patient who (whom) I have been visiting after undergoing triple bypass heart surgery. He is seeking (requires) a dietary assessment and appropriate nutritional recommendations. 

•  :seek معنی: به دنبال چیزی بودن، درخواست کردن، نسبتاً غیررسمی‌تر و معمولاً از دید بیمار استفاده می‌شود.

✅In terms of his recent medical history , Mr. Roden was admitted to our hospital on 17 August 2019 due to an angina attack. After an uneventful recovery, he was discharged with dietary recommendations including a low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol, and gluten-free diet. He was also advised to increase fluid intake, which I have been monitoring . 

• Hypertension?

✅Regarding his habits, since the death of his wife, Mr. Roden has not cooked and has relied on takeaway meals and red meats such as steak and sausages, typically accompanied by frozen vegetables instead of fresh vegetables. He gave up smoking 3 years ago and has reduced alcohol consumption. 

✅Over the past six months, he has had a weight gain (of) approximately 5 kg, and his BMI is currently 33, which falls into the obese category. He has not exercised since his favorite club closed. Although he is struggling to adhere to the recommended diet, he has expressed motivation to improve his eating habits. 

✅In view of the above, it would be greatly appreciated if you could provide with your assessment of his dietary guidance and meal planning. Please note that copies of the Heart Foundation’s healthy eating brochures have been provided to the patient. 

• Provide something / provide someone with something

Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely, 

Allice Raymond 

Rural Community Health Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 6/7

  B Overall score: (420)

 

@989229013707