[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr.Yabe

Re: Sally Webster, DOB: 10/Nov/2003

✅I am writing to refer Ms. Wester(,) a 17-year-old patient with a possible diagnosis of Anorexia nervosa(,) for further assessment. She is a high school student, plays violin for fun and she has a part time job as a ship assistant.

• بخش هایلایت شده قابل حذف است.

✅She first presented to me on (in) Dec (December) 2019 at my clinic with no past history of psychiatric disease (,)due to her constipation and bowel action every 4 to 5 days(,) which (for which) she tried laxatives for that. She has 54kg weight. She was advised to increase vegetable, fibers and fluid intake.

• no past history of psychiatric disease
  Cause–effect confused: این عبارت نباید وسط جمله میومد، بیمار مراجعه کرد + با این مشکل + این دارو. چون خواننده وسط جمله گیج میشه. بهتره اخر پاراگراف میومد یا کلا حذف بشه.

• She first presented to the clinic in December 2019 with a complaint of constipation and bowel actions occurring every 4 to 5 days, for which she had tried laxatives

• ❌ “She has 54kg weight.” → ✅ “She weighed 54 kg.”

 

✅After 2 months(,) she returned with her mother(,) who was concerned about her lack of appetite and weight loss. They had an argument about her eating habits, however she believed she feels well and there is nothing to worry about. She did not had (have) a good appetite. On examination she had (a) 6kg weight loss(48kg), she looked pale and thin. I performed (ordered) a blood test and urine analysis to investigate any possible underlying illness.

✅Today(,) she re-presented to me (the clinic) and she believes that she needs to loose another 7kg of her weight. She has (had: past) no eye contact (and) her emotions are (were) blunt. She denies vomiting and her claim about using laxatives is not reliable. All of (the) laboratory tests are in normal range. 

• اول پاراگراف ها بعد از timemaker ها باید کاما بیاد.

• are in normal range → ✅ “All laboratory tests are within the normal range.”

• در گزارش ویزیت امروز, همچنان از زمان گذشته استفاده کنید. بیمار ارتباط چشمی نداشت امروز و احساساتش رو بروز نمیداد.

I would appreciate your further assessment of this patient. Should you require more information, (please) do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely, Dr.Ehsan Sobhanian

Word Count: 210

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7 

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@user-309455

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear parent

✅I am writing to provide you with information regarding an outbreak of head lice at (the) school. Head lice are a common condition among children in school and it’s (are not) not related to poor hygiene.

In terms of treatment, you should apply a large (generous) amount of hair conditioner and leave for 20 minutes. Wet comb hair with fine-toothed comb should be used(X) to divide (the) hair into 3 or(to) 4cm sections. You can wipe (the) comb with (a) paper towel and repeat it for twice (repeat twice). Wet combing method should be used for 10 to 14 days.

• A fine-toothed comb should be used to wet-comb the hair

✅There are some products (treatments) such as Maldison, Permethrin and Pyrethrins to treat head lice. These treatments should be used based on (according to)(the) instructions and repeated after 7 to 10 days. (the) Wet comb (wet-combing) method should be used weekly for several weeks after cure to prevent recurrence.

✅Please wash your hands after lice treatment and wash pillow cases, combs and brushes in hot soapy water. You should also treat (your) family if you observe any live lice. You should avoid using blow-dry hair (using a hair dryer) as it may spread lice.

• Blow-dry hair : V+Noun

✅I hope this information helps you to prevent disease and (to) inform school about this disease. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have further questions.

Yours faithfully,
Pharmacist

(Persistent head lice/ if treatment fails? / visit a doctor)

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7 Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

@2480011763

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr.Philip Wright

Re: Ms.Marcus, DOB: 15/01/1983

✅I am writing to refer Ms.Marcus, a 36-year-old single mother with a 7-year-old child and positive (a) family history of cancer in her father (colon cancer, aged 72). She has a multi-nodular goiter with the possibility of thyroid malignancy (possible thyroid malignancy), (.) therefore(,) your surgical assessment would be appreciated.

• 7-year-old child → irrelevant

✅Initially she presented on 06/Jul/2019, complaining of a neck swelling(,) which she noticed two months earlier. On examination(,) there was an anterior neck swelling measuring 2.2 cm(,) which was non-tender and moves with deglutition(,) without any palpable lymphadenopathy. An ultrasonography of (the) neck and TFTs were requested to assess her thyroid.

• Correct date format: 06/07/2019,

✅Two weeks later she came in (attended/returned) for her test results follow-up. The TFTs were normal,(; or .) however (,) the ultrasonography reported (revealed/showed) multiple nodules and bilateral thyroid calcification. She was advised to (to have/ to undergo) (a) surgical review for possible thyroid malignancy, but she declined any surgical intervention.

• Came in: a bit informal

✅Today she re-presented with an increased size of swelling. (,) Difficult swallowing (swallowing difficulty) for the last 3 weeks and hoarseness of voice since last week has been developed. On examination(,) (the)thyroid size has been increased (was increased: passive) significantly. Thyroid is firm with limited mobility and there are palpable enlarged lymph nodes on the right side of (the) neck.

• an increased size of swelling: وقتی an به کار میره پس باید بعدش اسم بیاد یعنی: an increase in the size of swelling

• She has now agreed to undergo surgical intervention

I appreciate your further assessment on (of) this patient. Should you need (require) more information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Dr.Ehsan Sobhanian

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

@user-309455

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Endocrine Surgeon

Re: Ms.Marcus, DOB: 15/01/1983

I am writing to refer Ms. Marcus(,) a 43-year-old woman with M(m)ulti-modular goiter for examination of possible thyroid malignancy and surgical consideration.

• → ✅ “and consideration of surgical management.”

She is a single woman with a 7-year-old child with a positive family history of malignancy. (Colon cancer in her mother aged 72). On 5/Jul/2019(,) she presented to me at my general practice with the (a) complain (complaint) of neck swelling since 2 months earlier. On examination(,) there was an anterior neck swelling with the size of 2.2 Cm. It was not tender (non-tender) in (on) palpation (and) was moveable (with) deglutition and no lymph nodes detected at that time. (paragraph break) 2 weeks later I requested a neck ultrasonography and thyroid function test(TFTs) with possible diagnosis of thyroid nodule to assessment of (to assess the) patient(‘s) condition. TFTs were normal and ultrasonography showed multiple nodules and the evidence of (with) bilateral calcification in her thyroid lobes. She was advised for surgical consul(?) for possible thyroid malignancy based on the diagnosis of Multi-nodular goiter, but she denied further follow-up. (she declined surgical intervention, not follow-up)

• جمله اول بهتر بود در مقدمه بیاد چون با ادامه پاراگراف ارتباطی نداره.

• عبارتهای هایلایت شده اضافی هستند.

• ❌ “ the complain” → ✅ “a complaint”

• چون شکایت بیمار شناسه نیست حرف اضافه باید a باشد. همچنین complain فعل است.

• ❌ “since 2 months earlier” → ✅“for the previous two months”

• ❌ “with the size of 2.2 Cm.”→ ✅““measuring 2.2 cm.”

• در جمله two weeks later… شما نوشتید که درخواست آزمایش دادید. در صورتی که آزمایشات در ویزیت اول بیمار انجام شده بود و بعد دو هفته که بیمار مجدد رجوع کرد نتایج آماده بود.

Eventually(,) she presented today with an increased (an increase in the) size of the swelling since last month (over the last month). Furthermore she got (had) difficulties swallowing and voice hoarseness for 3 weeks and 1 week respectively . She has enlarged thyroid in correlation with her first exam, her thyroid mass is firm with limited mobility and there are palpable and enlarged lymph nodes on right side of her neck. (اینها باید در پاراگراف ها همزمان با شرح ویزیت های بیمار میومد)

Rephrased: (linguistic only)
She developed dysphagia for three weeks and hoarseness of voice for one week. Compared to her initial examination, she has an enlarged thyroid. The thyroid mass is firm with limited mobility, and palpable, enlarged lymph nodes are present on the right side of her neck.

I would appreciate for your further assessment on this patient.

Should you need more information about this patient (please) do not hesitate to contact me

Yours sincerely

Dr.Ehsan Sobhanian

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 3/7

  C Overall score: (280)

1️⃣ اول فکر کن، بعد بنویس (Planning قبل از Writing)

❗ بزرگ‌ترین مشکل تو اینه که همه اطلاعات رو پشت‌سرهم می‌ریزی بدون اینکه مشخص باشه:

• کدوم مربوط به ویزیت اول است؟

• کدوم مربوط به follow-up؟

• کدوم symptom جدید است؟

✔️ تمرین پیشنهادی:

قبل از نوشتن، فقط 10 دقیقه فکر کن به تسک و برنامه زیری کن بعد:

• 3 تا bullet بنویس:

• Visit 1 → symptoms + exam

• Visit 2 → investigations + decision

• Current visit → progression + red flags

✳️ بعد نامه را دقیقاً طبق همین ترتیب بنویس و مجدد برام ارسال کن.

2️⃣ هر پاراگراف = یک بازه زمانی (Timeline discipline)

تو مدام این اشتباه را تکرار می‌کنی:

• علائم جدید را می‌بری داخل پاراگراف ویزیت قدیمی

• یافته‌های معاینه را جدا از زمانش می‌نویسی

✔️ قانون طلایی:

هر پاراگراف فقط یک ویزیت

اگر ویزیت جدید است:

Eventually / On her most recent visit / She re-presented today

علائم + معاینه همان روز

3️⃣ از عبارت‌های ترجمه‌ای فارسی استفاده نکن

این‌ها نمونه‌هایی از تفکر فارسی در متن تو هستند:

• ❌ got difficulties

• ❌ in correlation with

• ❌ with the size of

• ❌ denied follow-up

✔️ جایگزین‌های استاندارد OET:

• developed dysphagia

• compared to her previous examination

• measuring …

• declined surgical intervention

📌 این‌ها را باید حفظ کنی، نه اختراع!

📌 جملات اصطلاحا wordy هستند یعنی کلمات اضافه داخل جملات هست که چیزی اضافه نمیکنن مثل:

She was advised for surgical consultation for possible thyroid malignancy based on the diagnosis of Multi-nodular goiter

4️⃣ روی Collocationهای پزشکی تمرکز کن (نه گرامر عمومی)

مشکل تو بیشتر از grammar، medical collocation است.

• complaint ❌ complain

• non-tender ❌ not tender

• measuring 2.2 cm ❌ with the size of

• hoarseness of voice ❌ voice hoarseness

✔️ تمرین پیشنهادی:

• یک دفترچه داشته باش

• Heading: Medical Collocations

• هر رایتینگ → 10 collocation جدید اضافه کن

• هفته‌ای 2 بار فقط آن‌ها را مرور کن

5️⃣ جملات بلند = نمره کمتر

تو جملات را بیش از حد کش می‌دهی:

چند ایده + چند زمان + چند یافته = یک جمله

این مستقیماً نمره Clarity & Organization را پایین می‌آورد.

✔️ قانون ساده:

• اگر جمله‌ات بیشتر از 25 کلمه شد → بشکنش

• اگر 2 ویرگول داشت → بشکنش

6️⃣ Phraseهای آماده OET را حفظ کن

به‌جای ساختن جمله، از قالب‌های امن استفاده کن:

🔹 Introduction

• I am writing to refer …

• I am seeking your assessment regarding …

🔹 History

• She initially presented with …

• Two weeks later, she re-presented …

🔹 Closing

• I would appreciate your assessment and advice regarding …

• Should you require further information …

📌 این‌ها band-safe هستند.

7️⃣ بازنویسی فعال (Active Rewriting) انجام بده

فقط دیدن اصلاحات کافی نیست.

✔️ تمرین طلایی:

• نسخه اصلاح‌شده را بخوان  و همچنین رایتینگ های دیگر زبان آموزان مربوط به این رایتیگ در لینک زیر گذاشتم. بخون و ایرادات رو ببین و مقایسه کن 👍

https://oetbook.ir/?s=Marcus&bp_search=1&view=content

لطفا این رایتینگ رو دوباره بنویسید و ارسال کنید😊

@user-309455

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

RE:Sally Webster (DOB:10.11.2003) 
Dear Dr Yabe, 

I am writing to request your further evaluation and assessment of Sally Webster, whose features are consistent with probable anorexia nervosa. 

• “evaluation” و “assessment” تقریباً هم‌معنی‌اند

Initially, on 17.12.2019, she presented with a complaint of constipation with firm about bowel actions 4-5 days, which had been present for 3 months (for the last three months). She consumed (consumes) 2 tablespoons of bran every morning and had tried taking laxatives. On examination, her findings were unremarkable. I advised her to increase vegetables’ fiber and fluid intake (in her diet).

• Correct date format: 17/12/2019

• →  “constipation with firm bowel motions”

• 4-5 days >> گنگ >>every 4–5 days

• examination findings were unremarkable

Six weeks later, she attended (again) with her mother(,) who was concerned about her weight loss and lack of appetite. She has been having fights with her mother due to her involvement with her diet(این جمله ضروری نبود). Her examination, apart from 6 kg of weight loss and pale skin, was remarkable. 

On review today, she was distant and avoided eye contact. She believes her ideal weight is 40 kg. She denies vomiting and is vague about laxative use. Examinations was (were) unremarkable and investigations revealed no abnormalities. My provisional diagnosis is anorexia nervosa(.) Because of that (In view of this:formal), I consider (that) psychiatric evaluation is necessary.

Regarding her social history, her father has died (died/passed away) 3 years ago and(.) (she) lives with her mother and sister,(and) has a part-time job and is a student. این جمله خیلی طولانی شده 

I would appreciate it if you could assess Sally. Should you require more information, don’t hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely
Aynaz Behnoud MD

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 3/7

  B Overall score: (350) با ارفاق

@aynaz-behnoud

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Wright, 
Re:Ms Sandra Marcus

DOB:15 Jan 1983

✅I am writing to refer Ms Marcus, a 33-year-old woman, for assessment regarding a possible thyroid malignancy.

✅Ms Marcus presented on 05 Jul 2019, with a painless neck (,) that she had noticed for the past two months, (measuring) approximately the size of an olive🚩. On examination, a non- tender thyroid nodule was palpated, which moved with deglutition. 

• ❌ “with a painless neck” → Meaning unclear (swelling/lump?) گردن بی‌درد؟

• 🚩Not technically incorrect but…“approximately the size of an olive” is a noun phrase. 

• (در نوشتار رسمی) میکس noun phrase و relative clause در صورتی صحیح است که ابتدا noun phrase آورده بشه:

• …a painless neck swelling, approximately the size of an olive, which she had noticed for the past two months.

• یا …a painless neck swelling, which she had noticed for the past two months, measuring approximately the size of an olive.

✅At Ms Marcus’ (Marcus’s) follow-up appointment two weeks later, her ultrasound results revealed multiple nodules and calcifications on both lobes of the thyroid gland. At the time, she was reluctant to undergo surgical intervention. 

• Provisional diagnosis? Multi-nodular goitre

• TFTs normal

✅Ms Marcus presented again today with (a) progressive increase in size of the neck swelling since over the past month, associated with dysphagia for 3 weeks and hoarseness of voice for one week. On examination the nodule has (had) increased in size, demonstrated limited mobility(,) and right-sided cervical lymphadenopathy were (was) detected. She has now agreed to proceed with surgical intervention. 

• “progressive increase” is treated as a countable noun here.

• ❌”since over the past month” → “over the past month”

• “hoarseness of voice” → simpler: “hoarseness”

✅I would be grateful if you could assess Ms Marcus for possible thyroid malignancy and advise on further management. 

If you require further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely, 

Doctor

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7 (provisional diagnosis / neck swelling was not mention/ TFTs normal)

• Clarity & consciousness: 6/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (400)

@user-961619

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Emergency Registrar,
Re: Mr. Dave Cochrane, DOB: 20/11/1962 

Thank you for seeing Mr. Cochrane, a retired gentleman for urgent admission to the cardiology unit, for stabilization of current cardiac failure. (his acute left ventricular failure)

• عبارت current cardiac failure قابل درک است اما دقیق نیست. در نامه‌های اورژانسی به خصوص، وضعیت بیمار واضح و دقیق ذکر شود و سعی نکنید اطلاعات پزشکی را rephrase کنید.

Mr. Cochrane presents (presented) today with severe shortness of breath, chest pain and sweating since two hours prior (prior to presentation). On examination, his jugular venous pressure is (was) high and he has (had) bilateral ankle edema. His apex beat is (was located) in the sixth intercostal lateral mid clavicular line. His vital signs are stable, although crepitations are heard in both lung bases.

• شما در این پاراگراف از حال ساده استفاده کردید که اشتباه است. دقت کنید حتی اگر امروز بیمار رو ویزیت کردید باز هم گذشته و تمام شده و از زمان گذشته فعل باید بهره بگیرید.

❌ “His apex beat is in the sixth intercostal lateral mid clavicular line.”  → ✅ “His apex beat is located at the sixth intercostal space, lateral to the mid-clavicular line.”

Mr Cochrane first presented on 12/09/2019 with similar symptoms of shortness of breath and also coughing (cough) and was diagnosed with left ventricular failure. He was started on broad-spectrum antibiotics for a week, in addition to Frusemide 40mg/day and Digoxin 0.25 mg/day. 

On (the) follow-up visit two weeks later, his general health had improved, although his examination revealed mild residual ankle edema and a few lung crepitations. 

I would be grateful for your expertise in caring for Mr. Cochrane and (for) admitting him to the cardiology unit for stabilization of (his) left ventricular failure. 

If you have any further queries, please don’t hesitate to contact me. 

Sincerely yours
Doctor

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@user-961619

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear: doctor Janie McArdle

Re:Sir or Madam  DOB:12/march/1986

Thank you for seeing one of my patient, a 36(32)-year-old married man who has a history of high blood pressure (hypertension) and requires your ongoing care due to (following) his previous open-chest surgery according to (for) his aortic valve impairment.

• ❌ “one of my patient” → ✅ “one of my patients” (plural required).

Initially(,) on 31/MAR/2019, he presented with features of severe chest pain concomitant with (and) back pain which(,) were suggestive of an acute pulmonary oedema. He underwent on (a) CT scan which(,) revealed (a) severe (severely) dilated ascending aorta associated with type-A dissection ,and (.) an Echocardiogram also revealed aortic valve incompetence(,) which resulted in (an) aortic root replacement and dissection repairment (repair) surgery.

• ❌ “31/MAR/2019,” → ✅ “31/03/2019,”

• اضافه‌گویی + پیوند‌های نامناسب. جمله جایگزین زیر را بخوانید و مقایسه کنید:

• ✅ He presented with severe chest pain and back pain suggestive of acute pulmonary oedema.

• زمانی از features of استفاده میکنید که در ادامه یک بیماری/condition باشد نه symptom. مثلا:

• ✅He presented with chest pain and back pain, which are features of acute pulmonary oedema

• ✅✅✅He presented with features of acute pulmonary oedema

On today’s visit, (today) the patient has been (was) discharged due to (after) his steady progress on (in) recovery and stabilized blood pressure. His medication reconciliation has been done and some courses of anti-biotics (antibiotics) and painkillers (analgesics) along with anti high blood pressure medication (antihypertensive) were prescribed. He also was (was also) commenced on warfarin therapy accompanied by (with) INR monitoring and has been scheduled for cardiac outpatients appointment and some course on rehabilitation physiotherapy. He also advised on smoking cessation and weight loss.

• بیمار امروز مرخص میشود و نیازی به استفاده از واژه visit نیست

• فعل discharge برای بیمار به شکل passive استفاده می شود و گذشته ساده یا به شکل زیر:

• He is due to be discharged today….

• اضافه‌گویی + پیوند‌های نامناسب

In view of (the) above, your follow up care is highly appreciated regarding his routine wound care and monitoring his blood pressure and pain management.

Please note, The patient is a smoker and has a strong family history of aortic aneurysm in his father.

Your sincerely

doctor

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (330)

@9360045003

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Lovelace

Re: Mr Frank Marsden , DOB 10.03.1973 

Thank you for seeing (refer/introduce) Mr Marsden, a 46-year-old electrician who needs (requires) a change in his hypertensive medication.

• از اونجا که این یک نامه معرفی بیمار جدید به GP هست، فعل refer یا introduce مناسبتره چون پزشک هنوز بیمار رو ندیده.

• فعل need در رایتینگ پزشکی فرمال نیست.

In terms of his medical condition, he was diagnosed with hypertension on (in) 2016, for which he has been taking Diltiazem 180-240 mg/day for 1 year (for the past one year). He is a heavy smoker and has alcoholic dependency (alcohol dependence) (,) and attends alcoholic anonymous. Please note that he is allergic to penicillin.

• این پاراگراف بک گراند بیمار است و نه مشکل اصلی یا دلیل اصلی مراجعه بیمار پس بهره اخر بیاد (قبل از درخواست پایانی)

Mr Marsden first presented to my surgery last year with a generalized gingival swelling and halitosis. On all his dental visits(,) oral hygiene instructions has (have) been provided and scaling has been performed. However, his gingival enlargement didn’t subside(,) as it is a side effect of Diltiazem.

• در کیس نوت نوشته possible side effect، پس شما باید با احتمال و نه قطعیت مطرح کنید.

• “I suspect this may be a side effect of diltiazem.”

• “It is likely that this is a side effect of diltiazem.”

• “This appears to be a side effect of diltiazem.”

Today(,) I advised him to stop smoking and reduce alcohol consumption(,) as alcohol could be smelled on his appointments, but he seems to need more support from a GP.

• as alcohol odour was evident at his appointments. (more formal)

• استفاده نادرست از But

Mr Marsden has recently moved to Brisbane and doesn’t (does not)  have a local GP. Therefore, I recommended (that) he come and see you to assess if it is possible to change Diltiazem to another effective medication.

Your support and management regarding his medical condition would be greatly appreciated.

Yours sincerely.

Dr Setareh Salehi

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@Setisal

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear District Nurse, 

Re:Bill O’Riley , DOB:12 January 1960 

✅I am writing to request ongoing care for Mr O’Riley, a 59-year-old single man who was admitted to Spirit Hospital (,)Brisbane on September 2 and underwent a coronary artery bi-pass (bypass) graft surgery(,) following obstructive coronary artery disease. He is due to be discharged tomorrow. 

✅Mr O’Riley has been under our care in the Coronary Care Unit since his surgery on September 4(,) and his recovery has been progressive (promising ) with notable improvements in walking and surgical wound healing. (in his mobility and wound healing)

• واژه progressive بیشتر برای بیماری‌های بدترشونده استفاده می‌شود (progressive disease, progressive deterioration).

✅During hospitalization, a rehabilitation exercise program has been commenced (was commenced/initiated) by a local physiotherapist. However, he is reluctant to cooperate. His medical history is significant for hypertension, which is well managed by metoprolol. He is a heavy smoker and drinker(,) and has been advised to cease smoking and reduce alcohol consumption. Although he has been counseled to follow a low-fat, low-cholesterol diet, he insists on eating frozen and unhealthy meals.✅Nice

✅Following discharge, he is scheduled for a follow-up visit to Dr Jensen, the local GP, on September 15. Given his history of non-compliance, I would appreciate it if you could monitor his adherence to (the/his) exercise and dietary regime (regimen) (,)as well as (the/his) smoking cessation and alcohol consumption. Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely,

 Charge Nurse

✨Fantastic✨

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@reyhan

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Booker, 

Re: Mr Darren Walker (D.O.Β: 05/07/1972) 

Thank you for seeing Mr Walker, a 40-year-old a married smoker man, who is (was/has been) diagnosed with hypertension and has a family history of prostate cancer in his father. He is currently complaining of difficulty in passing water and requires your expert management.

• “smoker man” → smoker / man هر دو اسم را با هم نیارید و فقط یکی استفاده بشه

• avoid informal “passing water.” →”passing urine”

• فشار خون بهتر بود در پاراگراف های آخر بیاد نه در مقدمه که هدف اصلی بررسی prostate cancer هست.

Last month(,) Mr Walker presented to me for a routine check-up. His blood pressure was high (165/90) and his weight was 85(,) which was higher than normal for his height. For controlling (to control/manage) the risk factors of the blood pressure(,) he was advised to reduce his weight and try to stop smoking.

•  higher than normal → above the normal range

• he was advised to lose weight and to stop smoking

• استفاده از “کاما”

In one month review, Mr Walker’s blood pressure is (has) improved (145/80) by reducing his weight and decreasing the number of cigarettes per day (from 20 to 10 per day). Although he has been experiencing difficulty in urinating. His recent test result(s) shows a high PSA (10) associated (with) a digital rectal examination which is suggesting an enlargement of (the) prostate.

• ❌ “In one month review,” → ✅ “At his one-month review,”

• Although → برای ترکیب دو جمله در تضاد استفاده میشود اینجا فقط یک عبارت  وابسته دارید

• Something Associated with something

• عبارت associated with یعنی مرتبط بودن. اینجا شما دو جمله خبری دارید که باید بینشون and بیاد و هیچ کدام در ارتباط یا در نتیجه دیگری نیست.

• ✅ “His recent test results show an elevated PSA level (10 ng/mL), and a digital rectal examination suggests prostate enlargement.”

• Test results: همیشه جمع میاد حتی اگر یک آزمایش باشه

In view of the above, I believe he needs (requires) further assessment such as (including) a prostate biopsy. It would be appreciated if you would inform me about Mr walker’s condition and treatments.

• Need , such as , … are informal words in medical writing

• Treatment is uncountable here

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely, 

Doctor 

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@hani-d

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Smith
RE:Mrs Priya Sharma,DOB:08/05/1958

Word count: 167 words

I am referring Mrs Sharma, a 60-year-old retired diabetic woman who is concerned about her glucose level control.

Mrs Sharma has a strong family history for (of) diabetes, and she also has been (is) a known case of type 2 diabetes, on (for which she takes) Metformin 500mg, and Glipzid (Gliclazide) 10 mg daily. Her (other) past medical history is otherwise unremarkable.

• Has been → is : از حال ساده برای بیان فکت استفاده کنید

In January and February of this year, I visited her (she presented) in (on) four different occasions, (.) despite adding Candesartan, her blood glucose level wasn’t (was not) properly controlled. Furthermore, I have prescribed (prescribed)  Atorvastatin 20mg daily due to her high level of Cholesterol.

•  شما بیمار رو ویزیت نکردید بلکه بیمار به شما مراجعه کرده، برخلاف معنای فارسی ویزیت کردن در انگلیسی یعنی شما رفتید بیمار رو دیدید.

Today, she had a BP:155/100, and her BMI was 24. Her last eye check (examination) was two years ago that was normal.

• “She has a BP:155/100” → “her blood pressure was 155/100 mmHg”

Given the above, your expert opinion and management of her blood glucose, (no comma needed) would be appreciated. Please don’t (do not) hesitate to contact me if you require any further information.

Yours sincerely
Dr Ghanbarzadeh
GP 

این رایتینگ خیلی خلاصه شده و یک سری اطلاعات بیمار نیومده. حجم رایتینگ باید 180 تا 200 کلمه باشه. چند مورد مهم وجود داشت که باید به آنها توجه می‌کردید و جا افتاده بودند:

• تاریخ تشخیص دقیق دیابت بیمار (1999) را ذکر نکردی.

• توضیح ندادی که بیمار از قبل در خانه فشار خون و قند خود را کنترل می‌کرد.

• نتایج آزمایشگاهی مهم مثل HbA1c، GFR و کلسترول قبل و بعد از درمان را نیاوردی.

• تغییرات سطح قند خانگی و تفاوت بین fasting و non-fasting مشخص نبود.

• دلیل دقیق ارجاع (فستینگ بالا و کنترل ناقص قند با داروهای فعلی) به طور واضح گفته نشده بود.

مورد دیگه عدم رعایت اصل فرمال نویسی هست. بعضی جملات ساختار ناقصی دارند مثل:

• “She has a BP:155/100” → “her blood pressure was 155/100 mmHg” 

• “on Metformin 500mg, and Glipzid 10 mg daily” → “for which she takes Metformin 500 mg and Gliclazide 10 mg daily”

• همچنین استفاده از فرم خلاصه مثل don’t , wasn’t

لطفا جلسات گرامر و رایتینگ با دقت بیشتری مطالعه شوند

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@kourosh

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Doctor, 
Re: Amina Ahmed (D.O.B: 12/08/2011)

🛑Word count: 295 words🛑

1️⃣✅Thank you for seeing this patient, an 8 year old (8-year-old) child who has been diagnosed with meningococcal meningitis. Currently she (she currently) requires your urgent assessment and treatment due to her uncontrolled fever and (possible) meningitis. (symptoms suggestive of meningococcal meningitis)

2️⃣Initially, she was brought to our medical center on 09/10/2019, (no comma needed) with signs and symptoms suggestive of (a) viral infection. Her temperature was 39.4 (,) while her physical examination was normal. Therefore paracetamol was prescribed and (she) was advised to rest at home.

3️⃣Three days later, she was reviewed and there were no improvements in her symptoms, ( . full stop) She was suffering from cough, loss of appetite and an ongoing headache associated with an uncontrolled fever. So (therefore,) Brufen 200 mg was prescribed, also (and) some tests such as FBC and UFR were ordered for ruling out (to rule out) the possibility of the infections (infection). Although the urine function report was normal, but the blood test showed an increasing (an increase) in white blood cells with a shift to the left.

• استفاده همزمان از although و but صحیح نیست. هر دو نشان تضاد هستند و فقط یکی باید استفاده شود.

4️⃣On review today, her parents were concerned and reported that she vomited two times (twice) last night (,) along with exacerbated headaches and lethargy. On examination she was febrile (40.2 c) with a rise in her pulse rate (an elevated pulse rate) (110 beats per minute). Despite a normal physical examination in the previous visit (جمله تکراری) , currently macula- papular rashes has  been appeared on her legs associated with a stiffness in her neck. (maculopapular rashes have now appeared on her legs, associated with stiffness in her neck.)

5️⃣Based on her ongoing (persistent) fever and symptoms of meningitis, penicillin V was administered as a stat dose (a stat dose of penicillin V was administered) and she was immediately referred to your pediatric unit for further assessments and treatments. (این نامه هدفش همین ارجاع هست و این جمله رو نباید می آورید چون معنیش اینه که بیمار هم اکنون ارجاع داده شده)

• 🔴همانطور که مشاهده میکنید رایتینگ شما 280 کلمه شده که بیش از رنج معمول است. دلیل آن این است که شرح visit های بیمار را کامل نوشتید. دقت کنید که رایتینگ باید چکیده و خلاصه باشد. پاراگراف های 2 و 3 و 4 و 5 باید خلاصه بشن به دو پاراگراف. یکی وضعیت کنونی بیمار و دو خلاصه ویزیت های قبلی. لطفا به سمپل نوشته شده رایتینگ پایین تسک در سایت رجوع کنید.

6️⃣Please note that she has no prominent (significant) past medical history and also ( . full stop) Amina comes from a refugee family (,) but she and her father can understand English.

7️⃣I would appreciate your urgent attention and assessment regarding (of) this patient.If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely Doctor

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@hani-d

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Alaa Omar,

Re: Mrs Somarin Khaze, DOB: 12 April 1972

Thank you for accepting Mrs Khaze, a long-term patient of mine, whoes (whose)  featurs (features) are consistent  with breast cancer.

Mrs Khaze is a 47-year-old healthcare worker and mother of four, who attended my clinic on 22  October 2019 with a left breast lump. She first noticed it six months ago which was non-tender(,) firm, and had not significantly changed in size. On examination, a hard, ill-defined mas (mass) (was:passive) palpated. An ultrasound and mammogram were arranged ; ( . full stop) her previous mammogram two years  ago was normal.

At review (on a review) two weeks later, Mrs Khaze reported anxiety, sleep disturbance, and elevated blood  pressure (150/90 mmHg). Imagings revealed a solid 15×8 mm nodule, (which was) highly suspicious for  malignancy. Subsequent biopsy confirmed a moderately differentiated invasive duc (ductal) carcinoma.

• “Imaging” is uncountable

Please note, Mrs Khaze has a family history of breast cancer on (in) her sister (who was) treated by (with)  mastectomy, lymph node dissection, and chemotherapy. Additionally, she underwent a benign  lumpectomy five years ago.

Given ebove (given the above), I would appreciate your urgent review and surgical management, including reconstructive surgery as per the patient’s request. Please do not hesitate to contact me if (any) further information is required.

Yours sincerely,

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@faribabehnam

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Childers, 
Re: Mrs Jane Macintyre, DOB: 0I Mar 1980 

Thank you for accepting Mrs Jane McIntyre, a 39-year-old woman who has recently become pregnant and has requested (a) referral for antenatal care and delivery at the Spirit Mothers Hospital. 

• ❌ who has recently become pregnant → ✅ who is 8 weeks pregnant/who presented today with a positive pregnancy test

• جمله اصلا اشتباه نیست از لحاظ ساختار/گرامر، اما حرفه ای نیست که بگید “اخیرا باردار شده”

• ❌has requested a referral → شما تصمیم به ارجاع بیمار گرفتید و این درخواست بیمار نیست

• ❌ delivery at the Spirit Mothers Hospital. → در مورد زایمان بیمار اصلا در تسک اشاره ای نشده

✅Mrs McIntyre is a mother of two with a history of two miscarriages. Her first pregnancy was complicated by severe pre-eclampsia and preterm caesarean section delivery at 32 weeks. Her second pregnancy and caesarean delivery were uneventful. 

At today’s review, Mrs Macintyre reports (reported) being 8 weeks pregnant. She is suffering (has been suffering) from dysuria for the past 3 days along with Urinalysis shows 3+ protein and 2+ blood. The (other) examination and vital signs are unremarkable. She has a family history of thrombosis and has tested positive for heterozygous Factor V Leiden mutation, for which she was treated with low-dose low molecular weight heparin in (during) both previous pregnancies. 

• ❌reported

• دقت کنید حتی اگر بیمار امروز ویزیت شده باشد در نامه از گذشته ساده استفاده میکنید: “بیمار گزارش کرد که…” (گذشته)

• ❌ is sufferin → ✅has been suffering با توجه به for the past 3 days

❌ اشتباه در اتصال دو جمله نامربوط با “along with”

• ❌ عبارت “along with” برای افزودن یک مورد هم‌رده استفاده می‌شود، نه برای وصل کردن دو جمله‌ی مستقل. مثل:
   ✅ “She is suffering from dysuria along with urinary frequency.”
   (دو نشانه‌ی هم‌رده از علائم بیماری را به هم وصل کرده‌ایم.)

اما در جمله‌ی تو، بعد از “along with” جمله‌ی جدید (“Urinalysis shows…”) آمده، که ساختار متفاوتی دارد و نمی‌تواند با “along with” وصل شود.

In view of the above, I have recommended (prescribed/commenced) folic acid 400 mcg (mg) daily, tinazaprine 3500 unite (units) subcutaneously once daily, along with✅ cefalexin 250 mg every 6 hours for 5 days for (her) urinary tract infection. Antenatal blood tests were performed, and a scan for nuchal translucency was advised at 11–13 weeks. 

I would kindly request (that) you to arrange (urgent) ongoing antenatal care as you consider appropriate for her(,) due to her high-risk pregnancy. Should you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely 

Dr Behnam

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خب رایتینگ شما هم خوب بود هم بد! اگر اشتباهات مقدمه نبود قطعا نمره عالی میگرفتید. مشکل زبانی تقریبا ندارید با تمرین بیشتر حل میشه. اما محتوای مقدمه خیلی مهمه و باید دقت کنید.

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

@faribabehnam