[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Alaa Omar,

Re: Mrs Somarin Khaze, DOB: 12 April 1972

Thank you for accepting Mrs Khaze, a long-term patient of mine, whoes (whose)  featurs (features) are consistent  with breast cancer.

Mrs Khaze is a 47-year-old healthcare worker and mother of four, who attended my clinic on 22  October 2019 with a left breast lump. She first noticed it six months ago which was non-tender(,) firm, and had not significantly changed in size. On examination, a hard, ill-defined mas (mass) (was:passive) palpated. An ultrasound and mammogram were arranged ; ( . full stop) her previous mammogram two years  ago was normal.

At review (on a review) two weeks later, Mrs Khaze reported anxiety, sleep disturbance, and elevated blood  pressure (150/90 mmHg). Imagings revealed a solid 15×8 mm nodule, (which was) highly suspicious for  malignancy. Subsequent biopsy confirmed a moderately differentiated invasive duc (ductal) carcinoma.

• “Imaging” is uncountable

Please note, Mrs Khaze has a family history of breast cancer on (in) her sister (who was) treated by (with)  mastectomy, lymph node dissection, and chemotherapy. Additionally, she underwent a benign  lumpectomy five years ago.

Given ebove (given the above), I would appreciate your urgent review and surgical management, including reconstructive surgery as per the patient’s request. Please do not hesitate to contact me if (any) further information is required.

Yours sincerely,

• Purpose: 3/3

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• Language 3/7

  B Overall score: (370)

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@faribabehnam

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Childers, 
Re: Mrs Jane Macintyre, DOB: 0I Mar 1980 

Thank you for accepting Mrs Jane McIntyre, a 39-year-old woman who has recently become pregnant and has requested (a) referral for antenatal care and delivery at the Spirit Mothers Hospital. 

• ❌ who has recently become pregnant → ✅ who is 8 weeks pregnant/who presented today with a positive pregnancy test

• جمله اصلا اشتباه نیست از لحاظ ساختار/گرامر، اما حرفه ای نیست که بگید “اخیرا باردار شده”

• ❌has requested a referral → شما تصمیم به ارجاع بیمار گرفتید و این درخواست بیمار نیست

• ❌ delivery at the Spirit Mothers Hospital. → در مورد زایمان بیمار اصلا در تسک اشاره ای نشده

✅Mrs McIntyre is a mother of two with a history of two miscarriages. Her first pregnancy was complicated by severe pre-eclampsia and preterm caesarean section delivery at 32 weeks. Her second pregnancy and caesarean delivery were uneventful. 

At today’s review, Mrs Macintyre reports (reported) being 8 weeks pregnant. She is suffering (has been suffering) from dysuria for the past 3 days along with Urinalysis shows 3+ protein and 2+ blood. The (other) examination and vital signs are unremarkable. She has a family history of thrombosis and has tested positive for heterozygous Factor V Leiden mutation, for which she was treated with low-dose low molecular weight heparin in (during) both previous pregnancies. 

• ❌reported

• دقت کنید حتی اگر بیمار امروز ویزیت شده باشد در نامه از گذشته ساده استفاده میکنید: “بیمار گزارش کرد که…” (گذشته)

• ❌ is sufferin → ✅has been suffering با توجه به for the past 3 days

❌ اشتباه در اتصال دو جمله نامربوط با “along with”

• ❌ عبارت “along with” برای افزودن یک مورد هم‌رده استفاده می‌شود، نه برای وصل کردن دو جمله‌ی مستقل. مثل:
   ✅ “She is suffering from dysuria along with urinary frequency.”
   (دو نشانه‌ی هم‌رده از علائم بیماری را به هم وصل کرده‌ایم.)

اما در جمله‌ی تو، بعد از “along with” جمله‌ی جدید (“Urinalysis shows…”) آمده، که ساختار متفاوتی دارد و نمی‌تواند با “along with” وصل شود.

In view of the above, I have recommended (prescribed/commenced) folic acid 400 mcg (mg) daily, tinazaprine 3500 unite (units) subcutaneously once daily, along with✅ cefalexin 250 mg every 6 hours for 5 days for (her) urinary tract infection. Antenatal blood tests were performed, and a scan for nuchal translucency was advised at 11–13 weeks. 

I would kindly request (that) you to arrange (urgent) ongoing antenatal care as you consider appropriate for her(,) due to her high-risk pregnancy. Should you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely 

Dr Behnam

• Purpose: 2/3

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خب رایتینگ شما هم خوب بود هم بد! اگر اشتباهات مقدمه نبود قطعا نمره عالی میگرفتید. مشکل زبانی تقریبا ندارید با تمرین بیشتر حل میشه. اما محتوای مقدمه خیلی مهمه و باید دقت کنید.

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

@faribabehnam

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director

Re:Vamuya Obeki,aged 4 

I am writing to request a follow-up care for Vamuya, a 4-year-old patient who was admitted to Children’s Emergency department with diagnosis of acute meningoencephalitis due to a complication following of mumps 10 days ago.

• no article “a” before “follow-up care”

• Following mumps – remove unnecessary “of”

The patient is the first  child of a family of 4 (,) which includes his parents and an (a) younger brother. They are the refugee (refugees) from Sudan who arrived in Australia this year. Vamuya’s father is able to understand spoken English well ,but his writing ability is limited.Her (his) mother has a basic understanding of spoken English. Therefore,they require an interpreter.

She (he) has fully recovered from mumps and meningoencephalitis,and  is due to be discharged today. Please note,her (his) parents report(ed) that their children’s vaccination(s) is (are) not  up to date. They received just (only) a few routine vaccines at birth whose (,but) record has been lost. The parents have had no  information regarding  Mumps vaccination.

In terms of the above,I would appreciate it if you could schedule a neurological follow-up and  arrange an interpreter as well as provide (providing) advice  for (to) his parents on recommended vaccines. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any  further information. (have question / require information)

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

• Purpose: 3/3

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• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (390)

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Consultant 
Re: Ms Patricia Styles, Age 62 

✅I am writing to refer Ms Styles, a 62-year-old widowed patient, who was discharged from Green Valley Hospital 5 days ago following the diagnosis of pericarditis. 

• ✅a 62-year-old widow

✅One week ago, Ms Styles presented at Green Valley Hospital with fever, pleuritic chest pain, general weakness, malaise, and tachycardia. She was diagnosed with pericarditis following (based on) an echocardiogram. Additionally, she was diagnosed with viral influenza type B by (confirmed by) a throat swab. Her examination revealed inflammation and her Chest X-ray was normal. She was discharged on 25 Aug 2019 after being administered IV saline and Ibuprofen. 

❌According to today’s observations (where? Nurse Home Visit?), Ms Styles is experiencing fatigue, chest pain, shortness of breath, and is frustrated with the progress (slow progress) of (her) recovery. She adheres to her medications and self-care at home. However, she did not reach any improvements regarding possible relapse or complications of pericarditis, her vital signs are normal. 

• ❌ “According to today’s observations” → “On today’s home visit”

• ❌ “However, she did not reach any improvements regarding possible relapse or complications of pericarditis,” → ✅ “However, there has been no improvement, and I suspect a relapse of pericarditis with complications

• پرستار مشکوک به عود/بازگشت پریکاردیت همراه با عوارض است و برای همین شما دارید این نامه رو مینویسید و این خیلی مهم بود که متاسفانه شما به درستی بیانش نکردید. منظور جمله شما این است که هیچ علامت جدیدی مبنی بر عود یا عوارض پیدا نشده، وگیج‌کننده است.

• همچنین اشاره ای نکردید که شما در واقع home visit رفتید و در متن مشخص نیست بیمار الان کجاست.

✅Ms Styles has a history of Hypertension, Diabetes mellitus Type 2, and Depression, which are generally well-managed. She has been prescribed Quinapril oral 40mg/2xday, Metformin oral 500mg/2xday, and Gliclazide oral 30mg daily. 

• این داروها رو از قبل میگرفته و بهتره از فعل take استفاده کنیم تا بگیم تجویز شده.

Please arrange an urgent hospital transfer to Newtown Hospital for Ms Styles and provide urgent assessment and management regarding (for) pericarditis. 

• ❌ “urgent hospital transfer” → ✅ “urgent transfer to NewTown Hospital”

Yours sincerely 

Nurse

• Purpose: 2/3

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• Language 5/7

  C+ Overall score: (330)

 

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director

Re:Ms Bronwyn Green,aged 68

✅I am writing to refer this patient, a 68-year-old widow who was admitted three weeks ago with (a) diagnosis of  low-grade adenocarcinoma.

❌She underwent a right-side hemicolectomy on 20/01/2019. Post-surgery care was provided in the ICU. Due to (following) a five-hour anaesthesia, she sustained (developed) respiratory and metabolic acidosis. During hospitalization in this ward, she was on oxygen therapy with oxygen saturation of 98%. Due to experiencing short (shortness) of breath during mobility, she was required to assist with the walking. After five days,Ms Green was transformed (transferred)  to the rehabilitation ward for ongoing care, and  has been in this ward until today. Over this period,her condition has been promising. Her dependency to (on) oxygen therapy has decreased. The wound-healing process has been  satisfactory. Currently, the patient’s mood and appetite is (are) good. Her mobility has made a steady progress, and she requires using a single point stick .Due to urinary incontinence, she is required to wear a  pull up pad.

• Sustain:  یعنی “تحمل کردن” یا “حفظ کردن”

• ببینید رایتینگ شما 260 کلمه است که بیشتر از حد معموله… که نشون میده اطلاعاتی در متن اومده که اضافی است. این اطلاعات رو بنده با رنگ قرمز هایلایت کردم. دقت کنید که هدف نامه اینه که پرستار بعدی بدونه باید برای بیمار چیکار کنه. و مواردی مثل آنچه در بخش icu گذشت اهمیتی ندارد و نباید در نامه آورده میشدند.

• ❌ “she was required to assist with the walking.” → ✅ “she required assistance with walking.”

• ❌ Depend to → ✅ depend on

• ❌ “a steady progress,” → ✅ “steady progress,” (remove article “a”).

• ❌ “and she requires using a single point stick.” → ✅ “however she requires the use of a single-point stick.”

✅Regarding her medical and social history, she has been suffering from hypertension, COPD, anxiety and depression, for which takes several medications. The patient has a history of smoking although she has  stopped that recently.

She is due to be discharged tomorrow. Please note, wound-dressing (wound dressing) must be changed every three days. Her anxiety and oxygen therapy need to be monitored. The patient is able to  be self-medicate. At the time of discharge, Ms Green will be accompanied by her sister.

I would appreciate it if you could take over this patient’s care. Please do not hesitate (to contact me?) if you have any further questions.

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

• Purpose: 3/3

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• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (350)

 

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dietitian, 

Re: Alex Roden (DOB: 24 September 1951) 

✅I am writing to refer Mr. Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widowed patient who (whom) I have been visiting after undergoing triple bypass heart surgery. He is seeking (requires) a dietary assessment and appropriate nutritional recommendations. 

•  :seek معنی: به دنبال چیزی بودن، درخواست کردن، نسبتاً غیررسمی‌تر و معمولاً از دید بیمار استفاده می‌شود.

✅In terms of his recent medical history , Mr. Roden was admitted to our hospital on 17 August 2019 due to an angina attack. After an uneventful recovery, he was discharged with dietary recommendations including a low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol, and gluten-free diet. He was also advised to increase fluid intake, which I have been monitoring . 

• Hypertension?

✅Regarding his habits, since the death of his wife, Mr. Roden has not cooked and has relied on takeaway meals and red meats such as steak and sausages, typically accompanied by frozen vegetables instead of fresh vegetables. He gave up smoking 3 years ago and has reduced alcohol consumption. 

✅Over the past six months, he has had a weight gain (of) approximately 5 kg, and his BMI is currently 33, which falls into the obese category. He has not exercised since his favorite club closed. Although he is struggling to adhere to the recommended diet, he has expressed motivation to improve his eating habits. 

✅In view of the above, it would be greatly appreciated if you could provide with your assessment of his dietary guidance and meal planning. Please note that copies of the Heart Foundation’s healthy eating brochures have been provided to the patient. 

• Provide something / provide someone with something

Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely, 

Allice Raymond 

Rural Community Health Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

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• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 6/7

  B Overall score: (420)

 

@989229013707

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Mrs Jane MacIntyre    D.O.B: 01/03/1980

Dear Dr Childers,

✅Thank you for seeing Mrs Jane MacIntyre, a 39-year-old woman, (no comma needed) requiring (who requires) your further antenatal assessment and management considering her age, previous pre-eclampsia and caesarean section.

«requiring» شکل کوتاه‌شده‌ی «who is/was requiring» هست و یعنی «که نیاز دارد».
 اما این فرم بیشتر وقتی استفاده می‌شود که جمله درباره‌ی وضعیت فعلی بیمار باشد، نه در جمله‌ی رسمیِ تشکر یا معرفی. مثلاً:

 ✅ She was admitted to hospital requiring oxygen therapy.

Mrs MacIntyre presented following a positive home pregnancy test, reporting that her last menstrual period was on 26/01/2019. In terms of her obstetric history, she has had severe pre-eclampsia in her first pregnancy(,) for which she underwent (a) Caesarean section at 32 weeks (at 32 weeks of gestation). Furthermore, she has a positive family history of thrombosis and is heterozygous for factor V Leiden(,) for which low molecular weight heparin was administered during both her pregnancies. While she has had two miscarriages, her second pregnancy was uncomplicated.

Rephrased: for which she received low molecular weight heparin during both pregnancies

• البته اشکالی که در اینجا هست اینه که شما تا قبل این به حاملگی دوم اشاره نکرده بودید و در جمله بعدش اشاره شده.

✅Today, she was complaining of 3-day dysuria. All physical examination (findings) were normal. (A) Urine dipstick has revealed 3+ protein, +2 nitrites and +1 blood. She was commenced on Tinzaparine 3.500 units daily subcutaneously, Cefalexin 500mg every 6 hours for 5-day course (for 5 days) and Folic acid 400 mg (daily?) until 12 weeks of pregnancy. Please note that (a) nuchal translucency scan was (is) arranged (advised) and routine antenatal blood test results will be sent to your center.

• ❌ “was complaining of 3-day dysuria” → ✅ “presented with a 3-day history of dysuria”

✅In view of the above findings, your obstetric assessment and further care and birth management would be appreciated.

Should you require any additional information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Doctor

• Purpose: 3/3

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• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

@shailin

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Ponsford

Re: Mr Lionel Ramamurthy, Aged 63

✅I am writing regarding Mr Ramamurthy, who was admitted on 04 February 2019 with a diagnosis of Pneumonia, and he will return to your care upon his discharge tomorrow.

• ❌ “Pneumonia” → ✅ “pneumonia”

✅Mr Ramamurthy was presented (presented:active) with acute dyspnoea associated with wheezing, fever, and sleeplessness. He reported chest and abdominal pain following a persistent cough. He also felt weak and required a walking frame for his daily activities.

• ❌ “felt weak” → ✅ “experienced weakness” more formal

✅After a week of hospitalization, Mr Ramamurthy has made good progress overall. His inflammatory markers (have returned) returned to normal. He is now afebrile and able to perform his personal hygiene and (daily) activities more independently. He has been encouraged to ambulate regularly and perform breathing and coughing exercises to relieve his signs of dry cough and chest pain.

✅Kindly administer Paracetamol for Mr Ramamurthy’s chest and abdominal pain, if needed (required). Please keep him warm and continue monitoring his diet to maintain a good nutritional status by taking adequate fluids and healthy foods, (and) to help him gain weight. Additionally, ensure that his postural drainage is performed while sitting, rather than lying down. Kindly arrange a check-up for his poor eyesight regarding a cataract operation 16 months ago.

Rephrased: Kindly arrange an eyesight check-up, as he continues to experience poor eyesight following cataract surgery 16 months ago

Please do not hesitate to contact me for any further queries.

Yours Sincerely,

Charge Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

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• Genre & Style: 5/7

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• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Benerjee,

Re: Ms Eleanor Bennet

D.O.B: 06/12/1975 

Word count: 290 (180-200)

I am writing to refer Ms Bennet, a 45-year-old divorced woman with 2 children who requires (an) assessment of her medications following a heart attack. 

Ms Bennet had been admitted in hospital (Oakville General Hospital) on 8 February following her (a) heart attack at  (the) airport after a long-haul flight. She had experienced jaw aches, nausea and shortness of breath, and (a) defibrillator was subsequently applied by (a) first-aider. Her condition was managed with (a) balloon-expandable stent via (the) groin.

• ❌ “had been admitted in hospital” → ✅ “was admitted to Oakville hospital”

• “بستری شدن” باید به صورت passive بیاد. همچنین زمان گذشته ساده. همچنین حرف اضافه to >> بیمار بستری شد

• ❌ “jaw aches” → ✅ “jaw ache”

One month ago, Ms Bennet was discharged, and was advised to take 4 weeks off work. Consequently, captopril (50mg twice a day) and atorvastatin (80mg daily) were prescribed, and lifestyle changes were recommended. She exhibited stress due to a poor relationship with her mother (her carer), and had poor compliance with her cardiac rehabilitation sessions.

• ❌ “She exhibited stress…” → ✅ “She has exhibited stress…”

• ❌ “and had poor compliance” → ✅ “and has shown poor compliance”

• Present perfect is better here to connect past discharge with ongoing effect.

Today, Ms Bennet presented with concerns of side effects of captopril, and reported dizziness, headaches and episodes of diarrhoea. She requested to discontinue (discontinuation) of captopril, and is reluctant to start a new medication. 

• ❌ “concerns of side effects” → ✅ “concerns about the side effects”

Please note that she has a family history of heart disease in her father (father’s side). Ms Bennet is a smoker (20 cigarettes a day) and (is) overweight (BMI 29), and she has increased her alcohol intakes (intake) to 40 units per week. Additionally, she reported extreme stress regarding the care of her children, who mainly live with their father.

I would appreciate it if you could review of medications of this patient, and encourage her to make some changes in her lifestyle. Please contact me if you need any further information.

• ❌ “review of medications of this patient” → ✅ “review this patient’s medications”

Yours sincerely,

Dr….

اشکالات اصلی در متن شما به شرح زیر است:

1. اطلاعات غیرضروری زیاد بود. من بخش‌های اضافه را برایتان هایلایت کرده‌ام. از حجم کلی رایتینگ مشخص است که اطلاعات خارج از موضوع اصلی زیاد بوده است. هدف: داروهای بیمار نیاز به ارزیابی دارند و بیمار باید به تغییر سبک زندگی تشویق شود. توضیحاتی مثل محل بروز سکته قبل بستری و علائم اولیه، وضعیت تاهل و داشتن فرزند ارتباطی با هدف نامه ندارند.

2. عدم رعایت صحیح آرتیکل‌ها. در چند بخش، از “a” و “the” به‌درستی استفاده نشده بود که دقت در این مورد ضروری است.

3. اشتباه در زمان افعال. در برخی جملات از زمان نادرست استفاده شده است. لطفاً مواردی که برایتان مشخص کرده‌ام را بررسی و تحلیل کنید تا بتوانید در نوشته بعدی خود به‌درستی به‌کار ببرید.

منتظر رایتینگ بعدی شما هستم.

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (350) با ارفاق

لطفا وبینارهای رایتینگ و درس زیر مطالعه شوند:

وبینارهای رایتینگ

درس آرتیکل‌ها (A, An, The)

@mobina-sharifzadeh

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Sir Hudson

Re:Alice Cooper,aged 10

I am writing to refer this patient, a 5 year student in (at) our school due to (the) possibility of psychological disorders following her father’s death.

• ❌ “5 year student” → ✅ “year 5 student”

Her father died due to an (a) motor accident 6 months ago. She is a (the) second child in  a family of three. Her sister is aged 12 and brother is aged 7.Her mother works as a bank manager.Alice has been experiencing eczema on  both her hands and she has had asthma,for which takes (uses) a  Ventolin inhaler. Her weight is above the normal limit (40 kg for a height of 138cm).

• قسمت هایلایت شده در متن اضافیست و نباید در این نامه آورده میشد.

• ❌ “eczema on both her hands” → ✅ “eczema on both hands”

• جمله ای که زیرش خط کشیده شده باید به زمان حال ساده بیاد چون شرح اکنون بیمار هست:

• Alice experiences eczema on both hands and has asthma.

Since missing her father, she has had a history of frequent absence from school .She has been experiencing intermittent signs and symptoms including eczema , headaches, stomachaches, toothaches  and nausea.

• ❌ “Since missing her father” → ✅ “Since the loss of her father”

• ✅ She has often been absent from school.👉 او اغلب از مدرسه غایب بوده است.

• جمله بالا ساده و واضح است. در جمله شما a history of جایگاهی نداره: بیمار یک سابقه غیبت از مدرسه داشته بوده است

• ❌ “signs and symptoms” → ✅ “symptoms”

  • 🔹 Signs (علائم بالینی) چیزهایی هستند که پزشک یا پرستار مشاهده می‌کند، نه بیمار. و همچنین مواردی که هست واقعا تجربیات بیمار نبوده و در واقع به اون دلایل از مدرسه غایب می شده (که اغلب بهانه بوده). پیشنهاد من:

• Since the loss of her father, she has had frequent absences from school. These absences have often been associated with complaints such as eczema, headaches, stomachaches, toothaches, and nausea.

Alice’s performance was good before her father’s death. Currently,she has a poor concentration in the class, and is reluctant with sports activities. She has few friends. Despite taking (using) an ointment on her hands,eczema hasn’t improved. Therefore, eczema and being overweight have caused her embarrassment and decreased her self-steem.

• ❌ “a poor concentration” → ✅ “poor concentration” (no article)

• فعل take معمولا برای داروی خوراکی هست. برای پماد، کرم، اسپری آسم و … از use استفاده کنید.

• ❌ “self-steem” → ✅ “self-esteem” (spelling correction)

Please note,her mother reports (that) Alice was very close to her father. She (who: mother or Alice?) is overeating no nutritional value food  like chips and cakes.she (who: mother or Alice?) is anxious regarding her daughter’s condition.

• ✅ “She is overeating foods with little nutritional value”

• ❌ “like chips and cakes” → ✅ “such as chips and cakes”: More formal

In view of the above, I believe that her signs and symptoms (are) suggestive of psychological disorders. I would appreciate (it) if you could assess her condition. please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

Word count: 260

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr. Pulford

Re: Ms. Catherine Wilsdale

✅I am writing to provide information regarding your patient, Ms. Wilsdale , following our discussion and recommendations at the pharmacy. 

✅She presented to my pharmacy on 23/03/23 and reported symptoms such as (including) headache, (a) blocked nose, diarrhea, cramps and nausea. She requested medication to relieve her symptoms.

✅Upon inquiry, she mentioned that she had experienced these symptoms 3 times in the last month and she was concerned about their frequency and duration.She stated that she has a gluten allergy but she hasn’t (had not) consumed gluten. Although, (no comma) she has consumed gluten-free pasta, after that she has experienced symptoms. She also has a family history of gluten allergy and coeliac disease.

• “Although, she has consumed…” → هم از نظر ساختار هم زمان اشتباهه؛ بهتره ساده‌تر و گذشته بیاری.

• “after that she has experienced” → اشتباه؛ باید “experienced” یا “had experienced” باشه.

She stated that she has a gluten allergy but had not consumed gluten. However, she reported that after eating gluten-free pasta, she experienced symptoms.

✅I recommended taking antihistamines to decrease her symptoms and** if her symptoms getting worse (worsen) contact her doctor. I (also) advised her that it is crucial to monitor her future diet and discuss to the dietitian regarding her wheat allergy. (missing: suspected a possible wheat allergy.)

• ❌ “discuss to the dietitian regarding her wheat allergy” → ✅ “discuss her wheat allergy with a dietitian”

• ✅Discuss something with someone.

• ** I recommended taking … and to contact her doctor if symptoms worsen

✅I would greatly appreciate it if you could investigate her possible wheat allergy, I will also inform her Gp about our discussion. 

✅If you have any questions, do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Mahboobe Etaat

Pharmacist

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@2480011763

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Ponsford

Re:  Mr Lionel Ramamurthy, Aged 63 

I am writing regarding Mr Ramamurthy, a 63-year-old widower who was admitted to our hospital on 04 February with a diagnosis of Pneumonia, and he will be back at (will return to) your retirement home upon his discharge tomorrow.

• ❌ “Pneumonia” → ✅ “pneumonia”

 Mr. Ramamurthy was admitted with acute shortness of breath associated with inspiratory and expiratory wheezing, fever, sleeplessness, and generalized aches. He reported chest and abdominal pain following a persistent cough and sleeplessness. He also felt weak and required a frame for his daily activities, experiencing increasing shortness of breath on exertion.

In terms of Mr Ramamurthy’s social and medical history, he experienced weight loss, associated with a poor diet due to his wife’s death. He was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes on 2007, which was controlled by diet, and Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease on 2018. He also suffers from  Osteoarthritis, which takes Voltaren.

• کل این پاراگراف باید حذف شود چرا که خانه سالمندان بیمار از این موارد آگاهی دارد.

During hospitalization, Mr Ramamurthy has made good progress overall. His fever and inflammatory markers returned to normal, and he was able to perform his personal hygiene and activities independently. He has been encouraged to take oral fluids and proper nutrition by a dietitian, which helped him gain weight, (نقطه) and he has also been encouraged to do breathing and coughing exercises due to his signs of dry cough and chest pain.

• ❌ “returned to normal” → ✅ “have returned to normal”

• ❌ “he was able” → ✅ “he is now able to…” وضعیت کنونی بیمار

• ✅ “encouraged by a dietitian to take oral fluids and maintain proper nutrition”ترتیب عبارات

• ❌ “which helped him gain weight” → ✅ “to help him gain weight” که کمک کنه وزن اضافه کنه

• ❌ “due to his signs of dry cough and chest pain” → ✅ “to relieve his dry cough and chest pain”

• عبارت due to یعنی در نتیجه چیزی و اینجا معنای درستی نمیده…

• جمله آخر از he has been encouraged شروع میشه تا پایان پاراگراف شامل 6 عبارت هست. نقطه بگذارید و مدام از and استفاده نکنید.

It would be appreciated to provide Paracetamol for Mr Ramamurthy when having chest or abdominal pain. Please keep him warm and monitor him to stay in a good nutritious condition by taking high fluids and healthy foods. In addition, to ensure his postural drainage, sitting is preferred rather than lying down. Kindly provide a check-up for his weak eyesight due to a cataract operation 16 months ago.

• ❌ “It would be appreciated to provide  Paracetamol” → ✅ “Kindly administer paracetamol” خلاصه و مفید

• ❌ “when having chest or abdominal pain” → ✅ “when he experiences chest or abdominal pain” فاعل در جمله شما گنگ است

• ❌ “to stay in a good nutritious condition” → ✅ “to ensure he maintains good nutritional status”

• ❌ “taking high fluids” → ✅ “taking adequate fluids”

• ❌ “provide a check-up for his weak eyesight due to a cataract operation” → ✅ “arrange a check-up for his poor eyesight following his cataract operation”

Please do not hesitate to contact me for any further queries.

Yours Sincerely

Charge Nurse

Word Count: 270: موارد هایلایت شده اضافی بود. و دقت کنید همچنین به دلیل اهمیت پایین اگر هم نیاز به نوشتن پاراگراف دوم بود باید آن را در آخر رایتینگ می آوردید.

• افعالی که باید یاد بگیرید استفاده کنید: maintain و relieve و ensure و arrange

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 4/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs. Marureen Martinson,

Re Mr.Kenneth  Phillips ,DOB ;05/05/1973

I am writing to request ongoing care this patient Mr. Phillips, a 46-year old builder, who was admitted to spirit hospital for underwent a bilateral lung transplant on 10/01/2019. 

• ❌ “ongoing care this patient” → ✅ “ongoing care for this patient/ ongoing care for Mr. Philips”

• ❌ “46-year old” → ✅ “46-year-old”

• ❌ “spirit hospital” → ✅ “Spirit Hospital”

• ❌ “for underwent” → ✅ “and underwent” یا “admitted for a bilateral…”

Mr. Phillips spent in ICU 10 days and transferred (was transferred) to (the) Thoracic ward under our care for three weeks. He has made good progress. He needs (requires) less oxygen and support, and now he is happy not to use the oxygen. At discharge, (the) patient is independent with (in) his hygiene and supervision (with minimal supervision) . He is on a low listeria diet and thin fluids. His appetite increased. (has increased)

• ❌ “spent in ICU 10 days” → ✅ “spent 10 days in the ICU”

• Capitalize hospital units. → ✅ “the Thoracic Ward”

• در جمله هایلایت شده گفتید بیمار در بخش thoracic تحت مراقبت شما بوده ک اشتباه هست و بیمار بعد از اون در بخش توانبخشی بستری شه و شما پرستار آن بخش هستید.

• بیمار هم اکنون به اکسیژن نیاز ندارد. در بالا یک بار اومده که به اکسیژن کمی نیاز دارد (زمان حال استفاده شده) و دقیقا جمله بعدی گفته نداره!

Regarding his medical history, Mr. Phillips has had an interstitial lung disease since 2012 which is taking a variety of medication. For full details, see the attached medication chart. 

• ❌ “an interstitial lung disease” → ✅ “interstitial lung disease” No article needed for diseases

• ❌ “which is taking a variety of medication” → ✅ “and has been taking a variety of medications” با توجه به since 2012

Mr. Phillips lives alone(,) but her (his) sister lives in the same area and supports him. He is on self-medication but requires supervision.A wound dressing is required every third day for a pressure ulcer on his coccyx and his oxygen use needs to be monitored.

If you require any further information, please do not to hesitate to contact me.

Yours   Sincerely,

Registered Nurse

سلام و درود
به نسبت رایتینگ قبلی از لحاظ محتوا و هدف گذاری بهتر بود کاملا. این که نمره content کم شده  به خاطر این بود که مثلا گفتید چند وقت توی icu بوده ولی نگفتید چقدر بخش thoracic بوده و بعد اون بخش rehab فراموش شده. همچنین نیاز به اکسیژن… این موارد با دقت و برنامه ریزی روی تسک قبل از شروع به نوشتن بهبود پیدا میکنه. اما……

بخش زبانی که نمره language و clarity (ساختار های درست جمله که معنا رو به درستی انتقال بدهند) نیاز به مطالعه زبان (حداقل چندین ماه) دارد. میتوان متصور شده که در اسپیکینگ هم احتمالا همین بخش زبانی نیاز به بهبود داره. بنابراین این توصیه بنده این هست که در کنار تمرینات OET، همزمان زبان عمومی به خصوص گرامر خود را تقویت کنید. دروس “کلینیک گرامر و لغات” در بخش دوره های من، را با دقت بیشتر و تحلیل و تمرین مجدد انجام دهید.
به امید موفقیت شما.

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

 

@9132180654

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear dietitian, 

Re: Ms Nina Sharman DOB: 09.02.1959 

I am writing to request your urgent assessment of Ms Nina Sharman’s circumstance (condition). Ms Sharman is a 61-year-old single patient who was admitted to the Dementia Specific Unit at Spirit Hospital due to severe dementia on 15.02.2020 following her condition , she refuses to wear her denture(s) and has been at risk of aspiration. 

• ❌ “circumstance” → ✅ “condition”

• در مورد جمله هایلایت شده: بیمار در بخش دیمنشیا این مرکز سالمندان زندگی میکنه و شما پرستار اون مرکز هستید. پس این جمله در مقدمه با تسک مغایرت داره. شما در واقع این نامه رو دارید مینویسید به متخصص تغذیه بیمارستان spirit و بیمار اصلا بستری نشده. همین نمره زیادی از رایتینگ شما کم میکنه.

During her hospitalization , she experienced an episode of choking on a piece of food that was likely not properly chewed . She suddenly turned blue and grabbed her throat with both hands and began coughing . Ultimately the obstructing food was removed and her vital signs returned to the normal range within one hour. 

• جمله هایلایت شده اضافی است و نباید آورده شود. دقت کنید رایتینگ OET خلاصه شرح بیمار است و نه آنچه گذشت…. تعداد کلمات رایتینگ شما 290 کلمه است که باید 180-200 تا باشد.

In terms of her medical history , Ms Sharman has been managing type 2 diabetes mellitus through diet . She also has been diagnosed with ischemic heart disease and osteoarthritis. Additionally she has been suffering from constipation for which she takes laxative as needed. Over the last 5 months , following her insatiable appetite , she has had a weight gain of approximately 10 kg.please note that her BMI is above the normal range indicating she is over weight.(BMI:30 Wt:106 kg) 

• ❌ “She also has been diagnosed” → ✅ “She has also been diagnosed”

• ❌ “laxative” → ✅ “laxatives” >> Plural form is standard.

Regarding of her current medication regime, she has been taking multiple medications. A detailed list of them is provided in the attached chart. She has no known allergies to medication or food. In terms of her social history , she has lost interest in daily activities . Her emotional dependence on the nursing staff has noticeably increased . (اضافی)

• ❌ “Regarding of” → ✅ “Regarding”

In view of the above , I would appreciate it if you could conduct a comprehensive assessment of her swallowing function and nutritional status to help improve her condition. 

Should you require further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely 

Registered nurse

عرض کنم خدمتتون که شما از نظر زبان مشکلی ندارید و ساختارهای زبانی تا حد زیادی رعایت شده؛ که همین خودش بخش عمده کار و بسیار ارزشمند هست. با این حال، در همین رایتینگ مشخص می‌شه که بعضی موارد نیاز به مرور دارن.

برای مثال، هدف‌گذاری در رایتینگ بسیار مهمه. هدف این نامه ارجاع بیمار به متخصص تغذیه بوده، چون بیمار دیمنشیا داره و confused disorientated هست؛ اما این نکته در متن ذکر نشده که بسیار ضروری بود. در مقابل، پرداختن به social history یا شرح جزئی اتفاقی که برای بیمار افتاده، عملاً به کار متخصص تغذیه نمیاد و کمکی به هدف نامه نمی‌کنه.

🔹 پیشنهادها:

1. یک روز رو فقط به مرور ویدیوهای کورس رایتینگ اختصاص بدید.

2. سمینار «هدف‌گذاری در رایتینگ» رو در بخش سمینارهای سایت حتماً ببینید.

3. نمونه رایتینگ‌های تصحیح‌شده سایت رو بررسی کنید تا نکات عملی بیشتری دستتون بیاد.

Word Count: 290

• Purpose: 1/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  C Overall score: (290)

 

@989229013707

[Siavash Zare]

🔹 نکته اینجاست که present در این جمله فعل نیست، بلکه صفت هست.
یعنی به معنای «وجود داشتن / حاضر بودن» به‌کار رفته.

ساختار جمله اینطوریه:

• which had been present for three weeks
  👉 «که به مدت سه هفته وجود داشته بود.»

اینجا had been فعل (past perfect) هست و present صفت complement برای اون به حساب میاد.

بنابراین اشتباه نشه که present به شکل زمان حال اومده