[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

21/09/2019

Dietitian
Morevale Community Clinic
10 Arthur Street
Morevale

Dear Ms June Stuart,

Re: Mr Alex Roden, DOB: 24/09/1951

I am writing to request a dietary assessment and appropriate recommendations for Mr Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widowed pensioner who was discharged from hospital three weeks ago (on 26 August 2019) after undergoing by-pass surgery (triple bypass heart surgery) due to an angina attack.

• three weeks ago — اگه بخوای می‌تونی تاریخ دقیق بدی، ولی اجباری نیست

• ❌ by-pass surgery → ✅ triple bypass heart surgery

Following the operation, Mr Roden was advised to follow a strict low-fat, high fibre (low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol), and gluten-free diet, . with increased fluid intake. However, he has been unable to manage his diet appropriately and requires assistance. His fluid consumption has been monitored regularly by a community nurse since returning home. (حذف — fluid intake رو با رژیم ترخیص ادغام کن) Since his wife’s death, he has mainly consumed takeaway and frozen meals, as well as red meat and lamb. His intake of fruit and vegetables has also decreased. He has gained 5kg over the past six months (BMI: 33). Recently he has also not been exercising. (He takes no regular exercise.) Mr Roden is on medication for hypertension which was diagnosed two years ago (Atacand 4mg and Cartia, both taken in the morning).

• ❌ low-fat, high fibre → ✅ low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol — رژیم رو از کیس‌نوت دقیق بنویس

• جمله fluid consumption رو حذف کن — fluid intake رو با رژیم ترخیص ادغام کن

• داروهای فشار خون رو اسم ببر (Atacand و Cartia) — برای دیتیشن از نظر تداخل غذایی مهمه

• ❌ Recently he has also not been exercising → ✅ He takes no regular exercise

In terms of his social history, he lives alone and has generally poor health (a generally fair health history). He used to be a heavy smoker and (He is a former smoker, having quit in August 2016, and) his alcohol consumption has decreased since last year (reduced to recommended levels over the past year). Following his wife’s death, he has found it difficult to cope with life. (Importantly, Mr Roden has never cooked for himself, as his late wife managed all household cooking — this is a key barrier to dietary adherence.)

• ❌ poor health → ✅ fair health (کلمه کیس‌نوته)

• ❌ decreased since last year → ✅ reduced to recommended levels

• جمله «difficult to cope with life» رو حذف کن — احساساتیه و به کار دیتیشن نمیاد

• ⚠️ مهم‌ترین نکته‌ی محتوایی که گم شده: بیمار هرگز آشپزی نکرده — همسرش تمام آشپزی‌ها رو انجام می‌داده. این علت اصلی عدم رعایت رژیمه و باید می‌آمد

Mr Roden has stated a desire to improve his diet and has agreed to referral to a dietitian. The Heart Foundation’s Healthy Eating brochures have been delivered to him.

Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,
Alice Raymond
Community Health Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organisation & Layout: 5/7

• Language: 5/7

B

Overall score: (380)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

دقت در محتوا (Content Accuracy)

• رژیم ترخیص رو از کیس‌نوت کلمه‌به‌کلمه بنویس: low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol, gluten-free — نه low-fat, high-fibre

• نوع جراحی رو کامل بنویس: triple bypass heart surgery

• داروهای فشار خون (Atacand و Cartia) رو اسم ببر

• مهم‌ترین نکته‌ی محتوایی: بیمار هرگز آشپزی نکرده و بعد از فوت همسرش فقط غذای آماده می‌خوره — این علت اصلی ارجاعه

حذف محتوای نامربوط (Conciseness)

• «found it difficult to cope with life» — احساساتیه، حذف کن

• جمله fluid consumption رو حذف کن و fluid intake رو با رژیم ترخیص ادغام کن

• به‌جای «diagnosed two years ago»، اسم داروها رو بنویس

دقت در انتخاب واژه

• ❌ poor health → ✅ fair health

• ❌ decreased → ✅ reduced to recommended levels

• ❌ Recently he has also not been exercising → ✅ He takes no regular exercise

@user-685405

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: Bronwyn Green DOB: 15 March 1950

• ❌ Re Bronwyn → ✅ Re: Bronwyn — دو نقطه بعد از Re فراموش نشه

I am writing to request ongoing care for Mrs Green, a 69-year-old widow who requires assessment (ongoing nursing care) following her discharge today (tomorrow).

• ❌ requires assessment → هدف نامه «ongoing care» هست، نه assessment

• ❌ today → فردا ترخیص میشه (11 Feb)، نه امروز — ✅ tomorrow

On admission, Mrs Green was diagnosed with low-grade adenocarcinoma and underwent a right hemlcoletomy (hemicolectomy) on 20/01/2019, which led to metabolic and respiratory acidosis following an aesthetic. During hospitalization in icu (During her stay in the ICU), she complained of shortness of breath for which oxygen via nasal prongs was administered and pain was managed (and required reassurance).

• ❌ hemlcoletomy → ✅ hemicolectomy — غلط املایی

• جزئیات acidosis و بیهوشی برای Nursing Director مراقبت انتقالی غیرضروریه — حذف بشه

• ❌ in icu → ✅ in the ICU — حتماً the بیاد + ICU با حروف بزرگ

• ❌ an aesthetic → ✅ anaesthesia — غلط فاحش

• «pain was managed» خیلی کلیه و ربط چندانی به این مرحله نداره — حذف بشه

Over the past ten days (three weeks), Mrs Green‘s condition has been controlled in rehabilitation ward (has made steady progress in the Rehabilitation Ward). On review today, she was (was) able to walk with single point stick (a single point stick), (;) however, she still requires supervision. Her mood and appetite was (have) improved. Although, (Additionally,) Mrs Green has suffered from (experiences occasional) urinary incontinence and still requires to wear (wears a) pull-up pad. She remains oxygen-dependent.

• ❌ ten days → ✅ three weeks — بیمار از ۳۰ ژانویه در ریهاب بوده، نه ده روز

• ❌ condition has been controlled → لحن مناسبی نیست؛ ✅ has made steady progress

• «was able» اینجا درسته — review انجام شده و گذشته

• ❌ single point stick → ✅ a single point stick — article فراموش نشه

• ❌ mood and appetite was → ✅ have — subject جمع داره

• ❌ Although, → ✅ Additionally, — Although بدون clause بعدش اشتباهه

• ❌ has suffered from → خیلی dramatic؛ ✅ experiences occasional

• ❌ requires to wear → ✅ wears — این ساختار گرامری نادرسته

• «remains oxygen-dependent» خوبه ولی ناقصه — اضافه کن که در خانه هم از اکسیژن استفاده می‌کنه و نیاز به پایش داره

Her medical condition (history) includes COPD, HTN and anxiety, for which she takes regular medications. Please refer to attached medical charts for further details. Mrs Green lives alone, who gets help from her sister (; however, her sister lives nearby and provides occasional assistance).

• ❌ medical condition includes → ✅ medical history includes

• کاما بعد از «includes» غیرضروریه

• «Please refer to attached medical charts» — داروها زیاد بودن و ذکرشون لازم نبوده، ولی این جمله در OET letter غیرمعمول و نامناسبه — حذف بشه

• ❌ who gets help from her sister → relative clause به Mrs Green وصل نمیشه؛ جمله رو بازنویسی کن

• نکته‌ی مهم محتوایی: home modifications (نرده‌های دستشویی و حمام) اینجا ذکر نشده — باید بیاد

I would appreciate it if you could continue to monitor Mrs Greens (Green’s) mood (mood and anxiety levels) and change dressing (ensure her abdominal wound dressing is changed) every three days.

• ❌ Mrs Greens → ✅ Mrs Green’s — apostrophe فراموش شده

• ❌ change dressing → مشخص کن کدوم dressing — ✅ ensure her abdominal wound dressing is changed

• پایش اکسیژن (oxygen monitoring) که در case notes تاکید شده، اینجا ذکر نشده — باید اضافه بشه

If you require any further information, do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely yours (Yours sincerely)
Charge Nurse

• ❌ Sincerely yours → ✅ Yours sincerely — ترتیب استاندارد بریتانیاییه

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organisation & Layout: 4/7

• Language: 3/7

C Overall score: (290)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما:

1. دقت در محتوا و اطلاعات کلیدی

   • تاریخ ترخیص رو از تسک بخون — بیمار فردا (11 Feb) ترخیص میشه، نه امروز

   • پایش اکسیژن و home modifications دو نکته‌ی کلیدی این کیس بودن که حذف شدن — discharge plan رو کامل بخون

   • جزئیات حاد بیمارستانی (acidosis، ICU details) برای community nurse غیرضروریه — تمرکز روی وضعیت فعلی و نیازهای آینده باشه

2. گرامر و ساختار جملات

   • subject جمع → فعل جمع: ❌ mood and appetite was → ✅ have

   • ❌ requires to wear → ✅ wears / needs to wear

   • ❌ Although, (بدون clause) → ✅ Additionally,

   • relative clause رو درست وصل کن: ❌ Mrs Green lives alone, who → ✅ Mrs Green lives alone; however, her sister…

3. واژگان و رجیستر

   • ❌ an aesthetic → ✅ anaesthesia — یکی از بدترین غلط‌های این نامه

   • ❌ medical condition includes → ✅ medical history includes

   • ❌ has suffered from urinary incontinence → ✅ experiences occasional urinary incontinence

   • ❌ condition has been controlled → ✅ has made steady progress

4. علائم نگارشی و فرمت

   • Re: حتماً دو نقطه داشته باشه

   • ICU همیشه با حروف بزرگ نوشته میشه

   • ❌ Mrs Green mood → ✅ Mrs Green’s mood — apostrophe جدی بگیر

   • ❌ Sincerely yours → ✅ Yours sincerely

@Marzi_sj

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dear psychologist (Dear Ms. Hudson,)

• ⚠️ مخاطب نامه باید با نام کامل خطاب بشه — «Dear Ms. Hudson» نه فقط عنوان شغلی.

Re: Alice Cooper DOB 14 June 2009 (14/06/2009)

• ❌ 14 June 2009 → ✅ 14/06/2009 — در نامه‌های پزشکی فرمت عددی تاریخ استاندارده.

I am writing to refer Miss Cooper, a 10-year-old student (Year 5 student) who requires further investigation regarding her psychological problems (— I am writing to request a psychological assessment for Alice Cooper, a Year 5 student at Toohey Point Primary State School, due to concerns regarding her emotional wellbeing and possible underlying grief.)

• ❌ سن بیمار (10-year-old) به‌جای پایه تحصیلی — در کیس‌نوت Year 5 آمده، نه سن. همیشه از اطلاعات کیس‌نوت استفاده کن.
• ❌ «refer» به‌تنهایی کافی نیست — هدف نامه درخواست «psychological assessment» است؛ این عبارت باید صریح بیاید.
• ❌ «further investigation regarding her psychological problems» — قطعی به نظر می‌رسه. زبان پزشکی محتاطانه باید بگه «possible» یا «suspected».
• 👍 جمله opening ساختار درستی داره — فقط محتوا نیاز به اصلاح دارد.

Initially, her medical history includes eczema flare-ups on hands which embarrassed her and mild asthma, for which she inhales ventolin. She is overweight (BMI 21) which has lead to decrease in self-confidence.

• ⚠️ این پاراگراف جای اشتباه داره — اطلاعات پزشکی زمینه‌ای (eczema, asthma) نباید اول بیاد؛ محور اصلی نامه تغییرات رفتاری پس از فوت پدر است.
• ❌ «inhales ventolin» → ✅ «uses a Ventolin inhaler» — فعل درست برای inhaler اینه.
• ❌ «has lead» → ✅ «has led» — past participle فعل lead برابر led است.
• ❌ «decrease in self-confidence» → ✅ «low self-esteem» — اصطلاح استاندارد پزشکی.
• ❌ داده‌ی خام BMI (21) نیازی نیست در نامه بیاد — جمله‌ی «overweight for her age» کافیه.
• ❌ «Initially» — این کلمه برای شروع یک پاراگراف پزشکی نامناسبه؛ بهتر: «Of note» یا «Regarding her medical history».

Alice’s father passed away one year ago (in September 2018) following a motorcycle (motor) accident which maybe have had (may have had) a significant impact on Alice’s condition. Now she lives with her mother and her siblings. (این جمله را حذف کن یا به‌جایش بگو: «She lives with her mother, who works full-time, and two siblings.») Over the past year, Alice has had recurrent episodes of absence from school (absences from school) with variety of complications (a variety of physical complaints, which I suspect may be psychological in nature).

• ❌ «one year ago» — در کیس‌نوت تاریخ دقیق داریم (September 2018)؛ استفاده از تاریخ دقیق‌تر و حرفه‌ای‌تره.
• ❌ «motorcycle accident» → ✅ «motor accident» — عین کیس‌نوت.
• ❌ «maybe have had» → ✅ «may have had» — maybe قید است، نه modal verb.
• ❌ «complications» — این کلمه برای عوارض پزشکی به کار میره، نه شکایت‌های جسمی کودک. → «physical complaints» یا «somatic complaints».
• ⚠️ جمله‌ی مهم حذف شده: باید صریح بگی که این علائم احتمالاً روان‌شناختی هستند نه جسمی — این توجیه اصلی ارجاعه.

Alice had acceptable progress (performed well) on (in) the first two years of school. However, recently she suffered from (has shown) poor concentration and was (is) reluctant to participate in school activities (class and sporting activities). According to her mother, she has poor social communication (has become increasingly withdrawn at home) and was (is) very close to her father. She has few friends and is reluctant to participate in group activities.

• ❌ «suffered from poor concentration» — suffer from برای بیماری‌های مزمن استفاده میشه؛ بهتر: «has been showing difficulty concentrating».
• ❌ زمان فعل — وضعیت فعلی بیمار باید با زمان حال توصیف بشه (has, is)، نه گذشته ساده (was, had).
• ❌ «acceptable progress» → ✅ «performed well» یا «made good progress»
• ❌ «on the first two years» → ✅ «in Years 1 and 2»
• ❌ «poor social communication» — این اصطلاح تخصصی اوتیسم است و اینجا نادرست است. کیس‌نوت میگه «few friends» و «often teased» → «has few friends and has been teased by classmates».
• ⚠️ اطلاعات مهم از کیس‌نوت حذف شده: گریه و دلتنگی برای پدر، پرخوری، و موافقت مادر با ارجاع نیاز داشت ذکر بشه.

I would appreciate it if you could indicate Alice problems (assess whether Alice has any underlying grief-related or psychological difficulties). If you need any further information, do not hesitate to contact me (please do not hesitate to contact me).

• ❌ «indicate Alice problems» — جمله گرامری نیست و معنی دقیقی نداره. هدف نامه «psychological assessment» بوده، پس closing باید به همین اشاره کنه.
• ❌ «Alice problems» → باید possessive باشه: «Alice’s difficulties» یا «Alice’s condition».
• ❌ «Sincerely yours» → ✅ «Yours sincerely» — ترتیب استاندارد انگلیسی بریتانیایی اینه.

• Purpose: 2/3
• Content: 4/7
• Clarity & Conciseness: 3/7
• Genre & Style: 3/7
• Organisation & Layout: 3/7
• Language: 3/7

C

Overall score: (260)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

هدف و درخواست نامه (Purpose)

• عبارت «psychological assessment» باید صریح در پاراگراف اول بیاد — ارجاع دادن کافی نیست، باید بگی برای چه ارجاع میدی.
• در انتهای نامه هم باید دوباره به هدف اشاره بشه — مثلاً: «I would be grateful if you could conduct a full psychological assessment.»

زمان فعل و دقت گرامری

• وقتی وضعیت فعلی بیمار توصیف میشه، از زمان حال کامل (has been, is) استفاده کن نه گذشته ساده (was, had).
• ❌ «maybe have had» → ✅ «may have had» — maybe قید است نه modal verb.
• ❌ «has lead» → ✅ «has led» — past participle فعل lead برابر led است.

انتخاب کلمات و اصطلاحات پزشکی

• ❌ «poor social communication» — اصطلاح تخصصی اوتیسم است؛ اینجا بگو «few friends» یا «becoming withdrawn».
• ❌ «complications» برای شکایت‌های کودک نادرسته → ✅ «physical complaints» یا «somatic symptoms».
• ❌ «inhales ventolin» → ✅ «uses a Ventolin inhaler».
• ❌ «decrease in self-confidence» → ✅ «low self-esteem» — اصطلاح استاندارد بالینی.

ساختار و سازماندهی نامه

• ترتیب پاراگراف‌ها اشتباهه: پیشینه پزشکی (eczema, asthma) نباید اول بیاد — شروع با فوت پدر و تأثیر آن روی رفتار آلیس منطقی‌تره.
• اطلاعات مهم حذف شده: موافقت مادر با ارجاع، گریه و دلتنگی برای پدر، پرخوری به‌عنوان مکانیسم مقابله — اینا برای روان‌پزشک خیلی مهمن.
• ارتباط علّی بین فوت پدر و تغییرات رفتاری باید صریح‌تر مطرح بشه — فقط ذکر هر دو کافی نیست.

رجیستر و لحن رسمی

• ❌ «Dear psychologist» → ✅ «Dear Ms. Hudson» — در نامه رسمی همیشه با نام مخاطب شروع کن.
• ❌ «Sincerely yours» → ✅ «Yours sincerely» — ترتیب استاندارد انگلیسی بریتانیایی.
• از زبان محتاطانه استفاده کن: «may have», «appears to», «I suspect» — نه اظهارات قطعی.

@Marzi_sj

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs Martinson 

Re Kenneth Phillips DOB 05/05/1973

✅ I am writing to request ongoing care for Mrs Phillips, a 46-year-old divorced woman who requires assistance regarding her rehabilitation process following her discharge today.

✅Initially, Mrs Phillips was admitted to the Spirit Hospital on 10/01/2019 for (a) bilateral lung transplant following (due to) interstitial disease. Over the past ten days, she received treatment in icu (the ICU) and (the) thoracic ward. During hospitalization, she has depended on oxygen therapy via nasal prongs at 2 L/min . She also had (developed) a stage two pressure ulcer on her coccyx (,) which daily dressing has been changed. 

• Transplant : اسم قابل شمارش

• Following: یعنی بعد از، و مفهوم علت و معلول رو نمیرسونه. به جاش از due to یعنی “به دلیل” استفاده شود

چون گفته‌ایم “During her hospital stay”، بهتر است از developed استفاده کنیم تا نشان دهد زخم بستر در طول بستری ایجاد شده است.

• ✅ developed = در طول بستری دچار زخم بستر شد.

• ❌ had = فقط وجود زخم را بیان می‌کند و زمان ایجاد آن مشخص نیست.

💡 اگر تعویض روزانه پانسمان جزو درخواست ادامه مراقبت است، نباید از گذشته استفاده کنیم. (این که در آخر رایتینگ هم بیاد کفایت میکنه)

• ❌ was changed daily = در بیمارستان انجام می‌شد.

• ✅ requires daily dressing changes = بعد از ترخیص هم باید ادامه یابد.

✅On 15/02/2019, she was transferred to (the) rehabilitation ward and ( . )during the first week, she was reluctant to reduce oxygen therapy because she experienced shortness of breath during mobility (mobilisation). Since 22/02/2019, Mrs Phillips agreed to reduce her oxygen therapy and made a steady recovery. She was able to perform her activities of daily living with supervision. She commenced taking immunosuppressive medication and analgesics by her own under supervision. 

• خط اول: وقتی یک جمله از نظر معنا کامل است (a complete sentence)، بهتر است آن را با Full Stop تمام کنیم، نه اینکه با “and” به جمله بعدی وصل کنیم 

• در مورد قسمتی که خط کشیده شده، دقت کنید این یک نامه after care هست و نیازی نیست گزارش کامل از آنچه گذشت بدید. اونچه که مهمه اینه که الان بیمار Sat چطوره و آیا اکسیژن نیاز دارد برای بعد ترخیص یا نه. بنابراین بهره خلاصه تر می بود.

✅On review today, she was able to walk independently and her mood was stable. However, she still suffers from urine inconsistent (urinary incontinence) and wears (a) pull up pad. 

✅I would appreciate it if you could monitor her medication compliance, daily dressing changes, her mood and also oxygen saturation levels. 

• Rephrased: I would appreciate it if you could monitor her adherence to her medication, perform daily dressing changes, monitor her mood, and monitor her oxygen saturation.

• ساختار جمله موازی‌تر شد؛ همه درخواست‌ها با فعل‌های یکسان بیان شده‌اند و جمله روان‌تر شده است. 

If you need any further information, do not hesitate to contact me .

Yours sincerely 

Nurse 

موارد مهمی که در رایتینگ ذکر نشده‌اند:

• ❌ اشباع اکسیژن هنگام ترخیص (SpO₂ = 94% در هوای اتاق) ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ رژیم غذایی بیمار (Low listeria diet، مایعات رقیق و اشتهای خوب) ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ وضعیت زندگی بیمار (زندگی به‌تنهایی و دریافت حمایت از خواهر) ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ عدم نیاز به اکسیژن و وسایل کمک حرکتی هنگام ترخیص ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ فواصل تعویض پانسمان (هر سه روز یک‌بار) ذکر نشده است.
  
  در واقع اصل هدف نوشتن این نامه وضعیت کنونی بیمار، درخواست های لازم و … همین موارد بالا هست که بهشون پرداخته نشده.
  در واقع پاراگراف 2 و 3 باید توی یک پاراگراف خلاصه میشد و می رسیدید به اینکه امروز بیمار داره مرخص میشه و وضعش اینه…

 

 

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

  C Overall score: (290)

@Marzi_sj

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr. Williams

Re: Ms. Gwen Brown, DOB: 22. Apr. 1975

✅ I am writing to refer Ms. Brown, a 44-year-old married woman, who requires your assessment regarding a periodontal lesion on tooth 22.

✅On 5. April. 2018, Ms. Brown first presented at my clinic with a generalized periodontal attachment* loss(,) for which a cleaning and scaling was performed,* and she was (then) referred to a periodontist for a flap surgery on tooth 22 (,) which had a 5-mm attachment loss and bleeding on probing associated with a developmental groove.

• کل این پاراگراف یک جمله شده که خیلی طولانی هست. به وصل کردن جملات و عبارات اصرار نکنید و سعی کنید 2 و نهایت 3 عبارت رو متصل کنید. جاهای که ستاره گذاشته شده بهتره نقطه بیاد.

• On 5 April 2018, Ms Brown first presented to my clinic with generalised periodontal attachment loss. Scaling and cleaning were performed. She was then referred to a periodontist for flap surgery on tooth 22, which exhibited a 5-mm attachment loss and bleeding on probing associated with a developmental groove. 

•  “On 5 April 2018” 

• “Surgery” is usually uncountable.

✅ There was (were) no significant findings on reviews in 6-month intervals.

“There were no significant findings” : Use the plural findings

✅On examination today, there was a 4-mm probing depth on tooth 22(,) accompanied by bleeding on probing. There was no conclusive response to cold stimuli due to connected crowns on tooth 22 and 23. I suspected a pulpo-periodontal lesion on tooth 22.

• Passive: A pulpo-periodontal lesion affecting tooth 22 was suspected. 

Please note that she was diagnosed with alopecia areata on her left temporal region in October 2019, and had experienced  an exudative tonsillitis in 2014.

• affecting her left temporal region 

• No article (an) is needed before the disease name 

It could (would) be greatly appreciated if you could assess and manage tooth 22 as you feel appropriate, and assess (x2, determine) if there was (is) any inflammatory relation(ship) between her dental condition and the onset of the (her)  alopecia areata.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Setareh Salehi

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

@Setisal

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs. Martinson,

Re: Mr. Kenneth Phillips DOB: 05/05/1973

✅ I am writing to request ongoing care for Mr. Phillips, a 45-year-old divorced builder, who was admitted to Spirit Hospital on 10/01/2019 and underwent a bilateral lung transplant and** (full stop) (He) is scheduled to be discharged from the rehabilitation ward today.

• ❌ Avoid joining several major events in one long sentence.

✅Post-operatively, he remained in the ICU ward (for) 10 days (,) and 3 weeks in the Thoracic Ward and subsequently he was transferred to the rehabilitation ward for (another/further) 2 weeks. The patient’s healing process was satisfactory,(.) His dependence on oxygen therapy has gradually decreased (,)and he is currently managing without supplemental oxygen, maintaining an oxygen saturation level of 94% on room air. At present (,)he is self-sufficient in personal care and activities of daily living; however, he requires supervision. He is on a low listeria diet and thin fluids,(and) his appetite has also improved.

• سعی کنید بیش از دو عبارت یا جمله رو لینک نکنید تا جمله خیلی طولانی نشه و روانتر خوانده بشه.

• ❌ The patient’s healing process ✅ The patient’s recovery 

• Healing process معمولاً به بهبود زخم یا محل جراحی اشاره دارد، نه وضعیت کلی بیمار. بنابراین در این جمله طبیعی نیست. 

• self-sufficient  معمولا در گفتار کاربرد دارد نه در نامه های پزشکی. بهتره بگیم independent.

✅Regarding his medical history, he has been suffering from interstitial lung disease since 2012 and has been taking a variety of medications, (.) please refer to the attached medication chart for further details.

✅Mr. Phillips lives alone and receives good support from his sister. He is able to self-medicate but requires supervision. There is a wound in the coccyx area that needs to be monitored and the dressing should be changed every three days.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require further information.

Yours sincerely,

Registered Nurse – Rehabilitation Ward

عالی – خیلی خوب همه چی، فقط استفاده از نقطه به جای کاما وقتی که جمله ی شما مفهوم کاملی میرسونه و همچنین استفاده درست از کاما بین عبارات طولانی. جز این پیشنهادی نیست. Well Done!

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 6/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 6/7

  B Overall score: (430)

@user-685405

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear D. Rosenberg,

Re: Ms. Taylor Hawking, DOB: 24, Mar,1999

✅ I am writing to refer Ms. Hawking, a 20-year-old university student, (Unnecessary comma) who requires your assessment regarding her dental crowding.

✅ Ms. Hawking has been a patient at my clinic since 2016 and has received restorations and routine scaling and cleaning on a regular basis. In July.2017, the patient presented with an acute pericoronitis on tooth 38 (,) which was managed by an in-office hydrogen peroxide irrigation. She was also advised to take Erythromycin 250 mg 4 times daily and Metronidazole 200 mg 3 times daily, and (to) rinse with a Chlorhexidine mouthwash. On the 2-week and 1-year recall appointments, no signs and symptoms of inflammation were observed at the site of the wisdom tooth.

• ❌ July.2017 ✅ July 2017 

✅Today, she presented with a complaint of “an ugly smile”. On examination, there was a severe 9-mm crowding on the maxillary arch and a moderate 6-mm space deficiency on the lower dentition, associated with a rotation of teeth 13 and 23 and a 5-mm lower midlineshift to the left. The patient was referred to take an OPG.

• ✅ She presented with concerns regarding the appearance of her smile.

✅In terms of her medical history, she has asthma and allergy to penicillin and peanuts(,) for which she uses a Ventolin inhaler and carries an EpiPen. Your assessment and management regarding her condition would be greatly appreciated

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Setareh Salehi

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 6/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 6/7

⭐Well Done!⭐

  A Overall score: (450)

@Setisal

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Doctor, 

Re: Mr. Dave Cochrane DOB:20 November 1962 

✅ I am writing to refer Mr. Cochrane , a 57- year-old retired (man: need a noun) who is (has been) diagnosed with acute left ventricular failure and needs (requires) emergency admission to cardiology until for stabilization. 

✅Initially,Mr Cochrane presented at my practice 7 weeks ago, (no comma) with complaints of positional shortness of breath,chest tightness and nocturnal cough. He ,also was (He was also) dyspnoeic and had a bilateral ankle edema,as well as a high jugular venous pressure. On examination,crepitations were heard in (both) lung bases (,)with no other significant abnormalities.his ECG showed cardiomegaly and an (chest) X-ray revealed features of infection. Given the diagnosis of left ventricular failure,a broad spectrum antibiotic for 7 days,furosemide and digoxin were prescribed.he also,was advised to quit smoking and drinking. 

✅On a review 2 weeks later, his symptoms had decreased (worsened) and he had reduced (his) alcohol consumption and smoking. Today, he presented with (a) flare up symptoms(,) including breath shortness (shortness of breath), chest pain and a 2-hour sweating spell. he was anxious and dyspnoeic. On examination, he had high jugular vein (venous) pressure, crepitation in (his) both his lung bases and a left shifted apex beat. However, there was no murmur and his (other) vital signs were normal. 

• Decreased: برای مقدار به کار میره

• “spell” is more common in general English 

✅I would appreciate (it) if you could assess and treat him as you feel appropriate.if you require any further information, please don’t (do not) hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely, 

Doctor 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

@Shivam

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr. Harrison,

Re: Ms. Christina Hollins, DOB: 20 Mar 1955

✅ I am writing to refer Ms. Hollins, a 64-year-old teacher, who requires further investigation regarding her oral mucosal lesions.

✅Ms. Collins is (has been) a regular attender at my practice for 10 years. She has been always (always been) reluctant to undergo periodontal scaling due to gingival bleeding and sensitivity associated with episodes of dry mouth. 

• چون for the last 10 years آوردید باید has been بیاد، اما is هم درست میشد در صورتی که نشانگر زمانی نداشتید.

✅Two weeks ago, she reported pain in her gums, for which she was advised to rinse with Oral-B mouth wash. The pain initially subsided. However, it recurred later.

(وصل بشه به پاراگراف قبل)I suggested (that) she use Biotene Dry Mouth toothpaste and mouth wash (mouthwash) and avoid spicy foods for two weeks.

✅Today, she presented with ulcerated lesions on her left buccal mucosa and (the) side of the (her) tongue (,) associated with shiny(,) red raised patches on both sides of (the) buccal mucosa and (the) dorsal surface of the tongue. She reported that she could only have soft bland diet. (he could only tolerate a soft, bland diet)

(وصل بشه به پاراگراف قبل)I considered (that) the condition could be related to Oral Lichen Planus.

In terms of her medical history, she was diagnosed with heart palpitation in 2017, for which she takes Noten 4mg daily (1/2 tablet am and pm) and Zocor 10 mg daily in order to lower her cholesterol level. Her blood pressure level is in (within) normal limits.

It would be greatly appreciated if you could assess and treat her condition as you feel appropriate.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Setareh Salehi

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (390)

@Setisal

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Mrs Jane Macintyre, DOB: 01 March 1980

Dear Dr Childers,

 

I am writing to refer Mrs Macintyre, a 39-year-old pregnant mother who requires antenatal care and birth due to a history of severe pre-eclampsia, caesarean section, and her age.

 

• سعی کنید تا حدی بازنویسی کنید و عینا از کیس نوت کپی نکنید چون معولا کیس نوت خیلی خلاصه هست، اینطور نمره بهتری میدن مثلا:

• due to her history of severe pre-eclampsia, previous caesarean section, and her maternal age. 

 

Today, Mrs Macintyre presented with a complaint of three-day painful urination (dysuria) .She has (had) a positive home pregnancy test (,)which is (her) fifth pregnancy and her last menstrual period was on 26 June 2019. Upon examination,(her) vital signs were normal and she had some dysuria for the past three days (تکراری).Her urine dipstick showed +3 protein, +2 nitrites, +1 blood.

• with a three-day history of painful urination. 

• رایتینگ یکم طولانی هست از لحاظ تعداد كلمات هم از استاندارد بیشتره بنابراین هر جا تونستید خلاصه نویسی کنید. مثلا جمله آخر و اول پاراگراف بعد میتونه خلاصه بشه و نیازی نیست جزئیات آزمایش رو بیارید:

• Urine dipstick findings were suggestive of a UTI, for which cefalexin …

 

Based on her symptoms and test results,Mrs Macintyre is suspected (of having a) urinary tract infection (,)for which cefalexin 250mg QID for five-day was prescribed. In view of (her) pregnancy and thrombosis risk,folic acid and tinzaparine(3500 units daily) were ordered.Arrange routine antenatal blood test and re antenatal screening for Down’s syndrome (,)in view of her age(,) were also ordered.

• Routine antenatal blood tests and repeat antenatal screening for Down’s syndrome, in view of her age, were also arranged 

 

Please note, Mrs Macintyre has two children(aged 3 and 5) and (a history of) two miscarriages. She had developed severe pre-eclampsia just in (during) her first pregnancy and her (first?) delivery was caesarean section. She had (has) a family history of heterozygous for factor V Leiden (,)for which she was treated with prophylactic low molecular weight heparin in (during) two previous pregnancies.

 

I would appreciate it if you could urgently assess and manage this patient.

 

Should you need more information,please do not hesitate to contact me.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Dr.Atefeh Mohammadi

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

@989124149700

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Stuart,

Re: Mr Alex Roden, DOB: 24/09/1951

✅I am writing to request a dietary assessment and appropriate management advice for Mr Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widower, who is recovering from triple bypass heart surgery.

Mr Roden was admitted in (to) Spirit Hospital  following a (an) angina attack on 17/08/2019. He consequently underwent Triple bypass heart surgery on 18/08/2019 and was discharged after an uneventful recovery on 26/08/2019. After discharge, her (his) diet plan includes (a) low-calorie, high-protein, low cholesterol and gluten free diet. He has been advised to increase fluid intake by (a) community nurse(??), as well. However, he does not know (he is unsure) how to follow this plan.

As his past history, although his BMI is 33, he is not doing any exercise. He was previously a regular smoker and heavy drinker but quit smoking in 2016 and has reduced his alcohol consumption.

•  “As his past history,” → Incorrect phrase → ✅ “Regarding his past medical history,”

• “although” is misused (no real contrast)

Mr Roden has continued (to follow) an unhealthy diet since his wife died. Your assistance is required to support him in implementing an appropriate dietary plan and monitoring his adherence. It would be appreciated if you give him a copy of the Heart Foundation’s Health Eating brochures, and write a referral letter to a dietitian to assist him in this way.

Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require any further information.

Yours sincerely,

Alice Raymond

Rural Community Health Nurs

• این نامه در واقع نامه ارجاع به متخصص تغذیه هست، و تسک شما این هست. شما اینجا به اشتباه به عنوان درخواست مطرحش کردید

• همچنین بروشور رو شما به بیمار داید و مجدد به اشتباه به عنوان درخواست مطرح شده.

• چند مورد مثل: افزایش وزن بیمار (5 کیلو)، اینکه بیمار خودش مشتاق به رژیم تغذیه هست، و اینکه الان قوت قالبش غذای آماده و یخزده و غیره هست… در رایتینگ ذکر نشده.

• از لحاظ زبانی مشکلی وجود ندارد و بیشتر باید روی محتوا، هدف نوشتن نامه و … تمرکز کنید. نمره این رایتینگ به همین دلیل کم شده

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

  C+ Overall score: (300)

@Khadi

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Ms Anna Hall (45 years old) 

Dear Dr Roberts,

I am writing to request your further evaluation and definitive diagnosis of Ms Anna Hall whose features are consistent with a possible gastro oesophageal–reflux(GERD) and (a) subsequent stricture. 

Regarding her social and family history, she is an ex-smoker, overweight, long with coffee and alcohol drinker whose (,and her) father has a history of (a) peptic ulcer. On medical history (,) she had a history of dyspepsia in 2012 and takes infrequent aspirin (2-3 times/month). 

• she is an ex-smoker, overweight, long with coffee and alcohol drinker → ✅she is an ex-smoker and overweight, along with being a long-term coffee and alcohol consumer

• On medical history→ ✅in her medical history, in term of her medical history,…

• she had a history of dyspepsia in 2012 → ✅she was diagnosed with dyspepsia in 2012 / she has a history of dyspepsia (2012)

• در کل این پاراگراف دقیق نیست: بیمار 15 سال پیش سیگار رو ترک کرده، مصرف الکل فقط سوشال هست، و اخیرا مصرف قهوه رو زیاد کرده. این اطلاعات خیلی بهتر میتونست به شکل زیر بیاد:

• She quit smoking 15 years ago, consumes alcohol socially, and has recently increased her coffee intake.

On 18 June 2018, Miss (Ms: “keep titles consistent”) Hall presented with solid dysphagia following an upper respiratory tract infection(URTI) two months ago (earlier)(,) for which she took (takes) over the counter (OTC) product. She also reported experiencing 1-2 kg of weight loss and epigastric pain(,) which radiated to her back on (at) the level of T12. According to my preliminary diagnosis of GERD with considering recently increased coffee consumption she was advised to stop taking (the) OTC product and reduce alcohol and coffee consumption(,) and she was (also) commenced on pantoprazole. 

• over-the-counter Chinese herbal product with unknown ingredients

• ✅Reported weight loss and epigastric pain

I would appreciate it if you could assess Ms Hall further including endoscopy if indicated and provide your expert diagnosis. 

Yours sincerely,

Doctor

• پاراگراف سوم نسبت به دوم اولویت دارد، در مقدمه اشاره شده بیمار رو ارجاع دادید به خاطر GERD و در پاراگراف بعد بهتره بپردازید به این مشکل، هیستوری بیمار اهمیت پایین تری دارد.

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7 

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: ( “just” 350)

@9360045003

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr.Yabe

Re: Sally Webster, DOB: 10/Nov/2003

✅I am writing to refer Ms. Wester(,) a 17-year-old patient with a possible diagnosis of Anorexia nervosa(,) for further assessment. She is a high school student, plays violin for fun and she has a part time job as a ship assistant.

• بخش هایلایت شده قابل حذف است.

✅She first presented to me on (in) Dec (December) 2019 at my clinic with no past history of psychiatric disease (,)due to her constipation and bowel action every 4 to 5 days(,) which (for which) she tried laxatives for that. She has 54kg weight. She was advised to increase vegetable, fibers and fluid intake.

• no past history of psychiatric disease
  Cause–effect confused: این عبارت نباید وسط جمله میومد، بیمار مراجعه کرد + با این مشکل + این دارو. چون خواننده وسط جمله گیج میشه. بهتره اخر پاراگراف میومد یا کلا حذف بشه.

• She first presented to the clinic in December 2019 with a complaint of constipation and bowel actions occurring every 4 to 5 days, for which she had tried laxatives

• ❌ “She has 54kg weight.” → ✅ “She weighed 54 kg.”

 

✅After 2 months(,) she returned with her mother(,) who was concerned about her lack of appetite and weight loss. They had an argument about her eating habits, however she believed she feels well and there is nothing to worry about. She did not had (have) a good appetite. On examination she had (a) 6kg weight loss(48kg), she looked pale and thin. I performed (ordered) a blood test and urine analysis to investigate any possible underlying illness.

✅Today(,) she re-presented to me (the clinic) and she believes that she needs to loose another 7kg of her weight. She has (had: past) no eye contact (and) her emotions are (were) blunt. She denies vomiting and her claim about using laxatives is not reliable. All of (the) laboratory tests are in normal range. 

• اول پاراگراف ها بعد از timemaker ها باید کاما بیاد.

• are in normal range → ✅ “All laboratory tests are within the normal range.”

• در گزارش ویزیت امروز, همچنان از زمان گذشته استفاده کنید. بیمار ارتباط چشمی نداشت امروز و احساساتش رو بروز نمیداد.

I would appreciate your further assessment of this patient. Should you require more information, (please) do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely, Dr.Ehsan Sobhanian

Word Count: 210

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7 

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@user-309455

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear parent

✅I am writing to provide you with information regarding an outbreak of head lice at (the) school. Head lice are a common condition among children in school and it’s (are not) not related to poor hygiene.

In terms of treatment, you should apply a large (generous) amount of hair conditioner and leave for 20 minutes. Wet comb hair with fine-toothed comb should be used(X) to divide (the) hair into 3 or(to) 4cm sections. You can wipe (the) comb with (a) paper towel and repeat it for twice (repeat twice). Wet combing method should be used for 10 to 14 days.

• A fine-toothed comb should be used to wet-comb the hair

✅There are some products (treatments) such as Maldison, Permethrin and Pyrethrins to treat head lice. These treatments should be used based on (according to)(the) instructions and repeated after 7 to 10 days. (the) Wet comb (wet-combing) method should be used weekly for several weeks after cure to prevent recurrence.

✅Please wash your hands after lice treatment and wash pillow cases, combs and brushes in hot soapy water. You should also treat (your) family if you observe any live lice. You should avoid using blow-dry hair (using a hair dryer) as it may spread lice.

• Blow-dry hair : V+Noun

✅I hope this information helps you to prevent disease and (to) inform school about this disease. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have further questions.

Yours faithfully,
Pharmacist

(Persistent head lice/ if treatment fails? / visit a doctor)

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7 Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

@2480011763

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr.Philip Wright

Re: Ms.Marcus, DOB: 15/01/1983

✅I am writing to refer Ms.Marcus, a 36-year-old single mother with a 7-year-old child and positive (a) family history of cancer in her father (colon cancer, aged 72). She has a multi-nodular goiter with the possibility of thyroid malignancy (possible thyroid malignancy), (.) therefore(,) your surgical assessment would be appreciated.

• 7-year-old child → irrelevant

✅Initially she presented on 06/Jul/2019, complaining of a neck swelling(,) which she noticed two months earlier. On examination(,) there was an anterior neck swelling measuring 2.2 cm(,) which was non-tender and moves with deglutition(,) without any palpable lymphadenopathy. An ultrasonography of (the) neck and TFTs were requested to assess her thyroid.

• Correct date format: 06/07/2019,

✅Two weeks later she came in (attended/returned) for her test results follow-up. The TFTs were normal,(; or .) however (,) the ultrasonography reported (revealed/showed) multiple nodules and bilateral thyroid calcification. She was advised to (to have/ to undergo) (a) surgical review for possible thyroid malignancy, but she declined any surgical intervention.

• Came in: a bit informal

✅Today she re-presented with an increased size of swelling. (,) Difficult swallowing (swallowing difficulty) for the last 3 weeks and hoarseness of voice since last week has been developed. On examination(,) (the)thyroid size has been increased (was increased: passive) significantly. Thyroid is firm with limited mobility and there are palpable enlarged lymph nodes on the right side of (the) neck.

• an increased size of swelling: وقتی an به کار میره پس باید بعدش اسم بیاد یعنی: an increase in the size of swelling

• She has now agreed to undergo surgical intervention

I appreciate your further assessment on (of) this patient. Should you need (require) more information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Dr.Ehsan Sobhanian

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

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