[Siavash Zare]

@user-431494

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dr Alaa Omar
Breast Surgeon
1414 Wickham Tce
Spring Hill
4004

9 November 2018

Dear Dr Omar,

Re: Mrs Somrani (Somarni) Khaze, DOB: 12/04/1972

I am writing to refer Mrs Somrani (Somarni) Khaze, a 46-year-old mother of four, for further assessment and possible surgical management of recently diagnosed left breast ductal carcinoma.

• ❌ «Somrani» → ✅ «Somarni» — اسم بیمار در کل نامه اشتباهه (تکرار شده)
• سن بیمار و تعداد فرزندان باید تو مقدمه بیاد — اضافه کردیم

Mrs Khaze initially presented on 22 October 2018 with a six-month history of a non-painful growing (painless, non-growing) lump in her left breast. Examination revealed a 2*(×)2-cm solid mass in her left breast with ill-defined margins and mobile (palpable mobile) axillary lymphadenopathy. Subsequently, investigations were arranged.

• کیس‌نوت می‌گه «not ↑ in size» — یعنی بزرگ‌تر نشده، نه داره رشد می‌کنه! ❌ growing → ✅ non-growing
• «mobile» به تنهایی ناقصه — ✅ «palpable mobile» کامل‌تره
• ❌ 2*2 → ✅ 2×2

On 6 November 2018, an ultrasound demonstrated a 16*18(16×18)-mm nodule with variable echogenicity in her left breast, while a mammogram showed an area highly suspicious of malignancy, together with several axillary nodules. Today, biopsy confirmed moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma of the left breast. 👍

• ❌ 16*18 → ✅ 16×18

Of particular relevance, Mrs Khaze has a history of right breast benign lesion, for which she underwent lumpectomy in 2013. Her previous mammogram was unremarkable two years ago. Her sister was also diagnosed with breast cancer seven years earlier (six years ago) and you treated her with mastectomy and (, axillary clearance, and) chemotherapy.

• ❌ seven years earlier → ✅ six years ago — طبق کیس‌نوت ۶ ساله، نه ۷
• axillary clearance رو از درمان خواهر حذف کردی — باید بیاد

I would appreciate your expert assessment and consideration of immediate reconstructive surgery if you deem appropriate (as per her request). Please do not hesitate to contact me if further information is required.

• «if you deem appropriate» جمله رو ضعیف می‌کنه — این خواسته‌ی بیماره، نه پیشنهاد مشروط تو

Yours sincerely,
Doctor (Dr. Tin Aung, GP)

• ❌ «Doctor» → ✅ «Dr. Tin Aung, GP»

• Purpose: 3/3
• Content: 5/7
• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7
• Genre & Style: 5/7
• Organisation & Layout: 5/7
• Language: 4/7

B

Overall score: (380)

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دقت در خواندن کیس‌نوت

• «not ↑ in size» یعنی بزرگ‌تر نشده — اشتباه گرفتی با growing
• تعداد سال‌ها رو دقیق بخون: خواهر ۶ سال پیش، نه ۷
• axillary clearance رو از درمان خواهر حذف کردی

اطلاعات پایه‌ی بیمار

• سن بیمار (46 ساله) و تعداد فرزندان باید تو مقدمه بیاد — بدون این‌ها content ناقصه

نکات زبانی و سبکی

• اسم بیمار در کل نامه اشتباه نوشته شده: Somrani به‌جای Somarni
• علامت × برای اندازه‌گیری، نه * (2×2 و 16×18)
• امضا باید با اسم و عنوان کامل باشه، نه فقط «Doctor»
• «if you deem appropriate» حذف بشه — درخواست reconstructive surgery خواسته‌ی مستقیم بیماره

[Siavash Zare]

@jana
▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dr. Anne Childers MBBS FRANZCOG
Consultant Obstetrician
Spirit Mother’s Hospital
Stanley Street
South Brisbane

24 August 2019

Dear Dr. Childers,

Re: Mrs. Jane MacIntyre
D.O.B: 01/03/1980

I am writing to refer Mrs. MacIntyre, a 39-year-old mother of two (aged 3 and 5) (mother of two) who presented with a positive pregnancy test. She has a strong history of severe pre-eclampsia, caesarean section and two miscarriages (previous caesarean section, and two miscarriages). In view of her age and history (obstetric history), I believe she requires urgent specialist assessment and management.

• سن بچه‌ها (aged 3 and 5) اطلاعات غیرضروری برای متخصص زنان — حذف
• ❌ needs → ✅ requires (لحن رسمی‌تر)
• 👍 مقدمه خوبه، purpose واضح بیان شده

In her first pregnancy, Mrs. MacIntyre delivered by emergency caesarean section at 32 weeks due to developing severe pre-eclampsia. Therefore, magnesium sulfate was commenced and she was admitted in intensive care unit for 3 days. Her baby’s weight was 2.1 kg and was admitted in Neonatal intensive care unit for two weeks. (developed severe pre-eclampsia, for which she underwent an emergency caesarean section at 32 weeks of gestation.) Therefore, magnesium sulfate was commenced and she was admitted in intensive care unit for 3 days. Her baby’s weight was 2.1 kg and was admitted in Neonatal intensive care unit for two weeks.

• جزئیات ICU، منیزیم سولفات و بستری نوزاد برای این ارجاع لازم نیست — حذف کن؛ همین‌ها باعث شده نامه از ۲۰۰ کلمه بیشتر بشه
• ❌ admitted in ICU → ✅ admitted to ICU
• ❌ delivered by caesarean → ✅ underwent a caesarean section

In her second pregnancy, her blood pressure remained normal and her baby was delivered at full time (full term) and weighed 3.4 kg. Mrs. MacIntyre reported that she has a family history of thrombosis and she is heterozygous for factor 7 Leiden (is heterozygous for Factor V Leiden), for which she received prophylactic low molecular weight heparin during her two (both) previous pregnancies. She has a negative smear in 2016 and she didn’t on any regular medication.

• ❌ full time → ✅ full term
• ❌ factor 7 Leiden → ✅ Factor V Leiden — V حرف رومی است نه عدد ۷، اشتباه بالینی جدی!
• ❌ in her two previous → ✅ during both previous
• اطلاعات اسمیر منفی و نبود داروی منظم اینجا غیرضروری‌اند — حذف

Today, Mrs. MacIntyre complained of painful urination for the past three days (presented with a three-day history of dysuria). She also stated that her last menstrual period was in (on) 26 June 2019 and her home pregnancy test was positive. On examination, her abdomen was soft without any tenderness. The fundus of her uterus was not palpable in suprapubic level. Her blood pressure was measured 120/80 and her urine dipstick showed presence of a large amount of protein and nitrate a long with slight blood (Urine dipstick findings were suggestive of a urinary tract infection, with 3+ protein, 2+ nitrites, and 1+ blood.)

• ❌ complained of painful urination → ✅ presented with a three-day history of dysuria
• ❌ in 26 June → ✅ on 26 June
• ❌ a long with → ✅ along with (یک کلمه)
• ❌ nitrate → ✅ nitrites
• جزئیات معاینه (شکم، فوندوس، BP نرمال) برای این نامه لازم نیست — اینا هم به کلمات اضافه می‌زنن

Based on her history and symptoms, she was commenced on folic acid 400 micrograms once a day (daily, to be continued until 12 weeks of gestation) and tinzaparine 3,500 units subcutaneously daily, as well as cefalexin 250 mg every six hours for five days for the suspected urinary tract infection. Routine antenatal blood tests and a midstream urine specimen were ordered. Also, she was advised (She was also counselled) to have a nuchal translucency between (scan at) 11 and 13 weeks of pregnancy to role (rule) out Down’s syndrome, in view of her advanced maternal age.

• فولیک اسید تا هفته ۱۲ — این جزئیت مهم بود و حذف شده بود، اضافه‌اش کردم
• ❌ role out → ✅ rule out
• ❌ also, she was advised → ✅ she was also counselled
• دلیل اسکن نوکال (سن مادر) باید ذکر بشه — اضافه شد

I appreciate your assessment and management. (Your further assessment and ongoing antenatal management would be greatly appreciated.) If you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

• جمله بسته‌شدن خیلی کوتاه و غیررسمیه — نمونه بهترش بالاست

Yours sincerely,
Dr. Jana Moudi

⚠️ تعداد کلمات بادی نامه حدود ۲۵۰+ کلمه است — بیش از حد مجاز تسک (۱۸۰–۲۰۰ کلمه). اطلاعات غیرضروری (ICU، منیزیم، وزن نوزاد، NICU، جزئیات معاینه، اسمیر، نبود داروی منظم) باید حذف شوند تا نامه در محدوده مجاز بماند.

• Purpose: 3/3
• Content: 4/7
• Clarity & Conciseness: 3/7
• Genre & Style: 4/7
• Organisation & Layout: 4/7
• Language: 4/7

C+

Overall score: (340)

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طول نامه و اطلاعات غیرضروری

• نامه حدود ۲۵۰+ کلمه داره — تسک ۱۸۰–۲۰۰ کلمه می‌خواد؛ باید کوتاه‌تر بشه
• جزئیات بارداری اول (ICU ۳ روز، منیزیم سولفات، وزن ۲.۱ کیلو، NICU ۲ هفته) همه باید حذف بشن
• جزئیات معاینه (شکم نرم، فوندوس، BP 120/80) برای متخصص زنان در این نامه لازم نیست
• اسمیر منفی ۲۰۱۶ و نبود داروی منظم غیرضروری‌اند — حذف

اشتباهات بالینی و اصطلاحات پزشکی

• ❌ factor 7 Leiden → ✅ Factor V Leiden — V حرف رومی است نه عدد ۷، اشتباه بالینی جدی
• ❌ full time → ✅ full term
• ❌ nitrate → ✅ nitrites
• ❌ role out → ✅ rule out
• ❌ painful urination → ✅ dysuria (اصطلاح پزشکی مناسب)

گرامر و انتخاب کلمات

• ❌ admitted in ICU → ✅ admitted to ICU
• ❌ delivered by caesarean → ✅ underwent a caesarean section
• ❌ in 26 June → ✅ on 26 June
• ❌ a long with → ✅ along with (یک کلمه)
• ❌ in her two previous pregnancies → ✅ during both previous pregnancies
• فولیک اسید تا هفته ۱۲ باید ذکر بشه — اطلاعات مهمی که حذف شده بود

سبک رسمی پزشکی

• ❌ needs → ✅ requires (در نامه رسمی)
• ❌ also, she was advised → ✅ she was also counselled
• ❌ I appreciate your assessment → ✅ Your further assessment and ongoing management would be greatly appreciated
• دلیل تجویز تینزاپارین (Factor V Leiden + سابقه خانوادگی ترومبوز) باید واضح‌تر بیاد

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

01/08/2019
Director
Glen Haven Palliative Care Hospice
974 Arthur Street
Toowoomba

Dear Ms. Jasmine Beetson,
Re: Mrs. Maeve Greerson, DOB: 09/10/1960

I am writing to introduce Mrs. Greerson to you, a 58-year-old widowed patient, who was admitted to our hospital on 24/7/2019 following a collapse at home. She has a severe (terminal / metastatic) lower intestine cancer and was transferred via an ambulance to your facility today (has been transferred to your facility today via ambulance) for palliative care.

• «to you» اضافه‌ست — حذف بشه روون‌تره
• ❌ severe cancer → ✅ terminal / metastatic cancer — کلینیکال‌تره

He (She) was diagnosed with cancer (lower intestinal cancer with widespread metastasis) in March 2019, for which partial bowel resection and colostomy were performed (she underwent laparotomy, partial bowel resection and colostomy). She was treated with IV fluids and commenced on a low-fibre diet due to dehydration, nausea and severe pain. During hospitalization, the (her) pain medication was increased. She complained of (She also developed) urinary incontinence and edema (oedema) of lower limbs (the lower limbs). Due to the deterioration of her condition, she became very depressed and was reluctant to undergo (requested no) further treatment. A social worker visited her and suggested a palliative care plan. (Following consultation with a social worker, she and her brother agreed to transfer to your facility for palliative care only.) Given her condition, her life expectancy is no more than 3–4 months.

• ❌ He → ✅ She — اشتباه ضمیر!
• ❌ cancer → ✅ lower intestinal cancer with widespread metastasis
• ❌ partial bowel resection and colostomy were performed → ✅ she underwent laparotomy, partial bowel resection and colostomy — laparotomy حذف شده بود
• ❌ the pain medication → ✅ her pain medication
• ❌ complained of → ✅ developed / was noted to have — علائم بالینی‌ان، نه شکایت
• ❌ edema → ✅ oedema — بریتیش
• ❌ lower limbs → ✅ the lower limbs
• ❌ was reluctant to undergo → ✅ requested no — صریح‌تر و کلینیکال‌تره
• تصمیم palliative-only باید صریح‌تر بیاد — هاسپیس باید بدونه هیچ درمان فعالی ادامه نمی‌یابد

Her brother visits her daily. Since three days ago (her recent deterioration), she has been disoriented (disorientated) and weak, as well as tolerating only fluids (and is now only able to tolerate fluids).

• «Her brother visits her daily» — به‌تنهایی بی‌ربطه؛ نقشش به‌عنوان NOK و تصمیم‌گیرنده مهمه، نه اینکه روزانه میاد
• ❌ disoriented → ✅ disorientated — بریتیش
• ❌ three days ago → ✅ recently / following recent deterioration
• «as well as tolerating only fluids» ساختار گنگه — بنویس: «and is now only able to tolerate fluids»

I would greatly appreciate it if you assess her condition and provide appropriate care to (continue her care to) maintain her comfort and dignity and relieve her pain.

• «assess her condition» — هاسپیس اینجاست که مراقبت کنه، نه ارزیابی از نو؛ «continue her care» بهتره
• بعد از «I would appreciate it if» فعل باید «would assess» باشه — conditional

If you require any further information, do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,
Registered Nurse (Sarina Chai
Registered Nurse)
Royal Spirit Hospital

• اسم نویسنده حتماً باید بیاد — بدون اسم نامه ناقصه

• Purpose: 2/3
• Content: 4/7
• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7
• Genre & Style: 5/7
• Organisation & Layout: 4/7
• Language: 4/7

C+

Overall score: (310)

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دقت در انتقال اطلاعات کیس‌نوت

• تصمیم no further active treatment باید واضح و صریح ذکر بشه — مهم‌ترین پیام نامه‌ست
• transdermal patch برای درد ذکر نشده — در کیس‌نوت هست
• اقدامات پزشکی رو کامل بنویس — laparotomy نباید حذف بشه

گرامر و ساختار جملات

• اشتباه ضمیر: «He was diagnosed» — بیمار خانمه!
• «as well as tolerating only fluids» گنگه — بنویس: «and is now only able to tolerate fluids»
• بعد از «I would appreciate it if» فعل باید conditional باشه: «would continue»

انتخاب واژه و رجیستر کلینیکال

• ❌ severe cancer → ✅ metastatic / terminal lower intestinal cancer
• ❌ complained of → ✅ developed / was noted to have
• ❌ disoriented → ✅ disorientated (بریتیش)
• ❌ edema → ✅ oedema (بریتیش)
• ❌ three days ago → ✅ recently (در نامه رسمی ضعیفه)

فرمت و چیدمان نامه

• اسم نویسنده زیر Yours sincerely حتماً بیاد
• «Director» به‌تنهایی کافی نیست — «Director of Nursing» باشه

@user-685405

[Siavash Zare]

 

خطاپیشنهادبازنویسیمحتوای اضافی

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dr. Midori Yabe
Psychiatrist
48Wickham (48 Wickham) Tce
Spring Hill
QLD 4432

• ❌ 48Wickham → ✅ 48 Wickham

21 February 2020

Dear Dr. Yabe
Re: Ms. Sally Webster
D.O.B: 10 November 2003

I am writing to refer sally (Sally), a 16-year-old high school student who was suspected of having anorexia nervosa due to her significant weight loss and reduced appetite. (whom I suspect is suffering from anorexia nervosa, for further psychiatric assessment.)

• «sally» اسم خاصه — همیشه بزرگ

• «was suspected of having» لحن گزارش پلیسیه — توی رفرال بنویس «I suspect she is suffering from»

• «for further psychiatric assessment» حتماً باید توی جمله اول بیاد — purpose نامه اینه

At her first appointment two months ago (on 27 December 2019), sally (Sally) presented with a three-month history of constipation, for which she has taken (had been taking) laxatives. Her weight was 54 kg and there was no significant finding in her physical examination. Therefore, she was encouraged to increase her fluid intake and dietary fiber (fibre) and vegetable consumption.

• مدت یبوست (۳ ماه) ذکر نشده — اطلاعات مهمیه

• ❌ has taken → ✅ had been taking (ویزیت گذشتس)

• ❌ fiber → ✅ fibre (املای استرالیایی)

At her second visit one week ago (on 15 February 2020), her mother complained of (expressed concern regarding) Sally’s weight loss and poor appetite. However, sally (Sally) believed that she was well and there was no cause for concern. Her weight had dropped to 48 kg and she had a pale appearance. Although, the remainder of (The remainder of her) physical examination and urinalysis were within normal limits. Blood tests, including thyroid and liver function tests and electrolyte levels, were requested.

• «complained of» برای مادر لحن خوبی نداره — «expressed concern regarding» بهتره

• وزن ۴۸ کیلو در این ویزیت ذکر نشده — کلیدیه

• «Although,» به‌عنوان جمله مستقل غلطه — حذف کن و «The remainder of her…» بنویس

Today, Sally was interviewed alone. She had poor eye contact and stated that her mother (parents) was overacting (were overreacting) about her weight loss. She believed that her appropriate (ideal) weight is (was) 40 kg, despite currently weighing 47 kg. She didn’t report (denied) any vomiting and was unclear (vague) about her use of laxative (laxatives). Her test (blood test) results were within normal limits.

• «mother» — کیس‌نوت «parents» داره، نه فقط مادر

• ❌ overacting → ✅ overreacting (غلط املایی — معنی کاملاً عوض میشه)

• ❌ appropriate → ✅ ideal (کلمه کیس‌نوته)

• ❌ didn’t report → ✅ denied (رجیستر پزشکی)

• ❌ unclear → ✅ vague (رجیستر پزشکی)

• فعل «is» → «was» — reported speech

• ❌ laxative → ✅ laxatives (جمع)

• وزن امروز (۴۷ کیلو) ذکر نشده — مهمه، بنویسش

I would appreciate your assessment and management of this patient. (. Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require further information.)

• جمله پایانی ناقصه — یه جمله تعارف استاندارد اضافه کن

Yours sincerely,
Doctor (Dr. [Name])

• «Doctor» به‌عنوان امضا نامناسبه — باید Dr. + اسم باشه

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organisation & Layout: 5/7

• Language: 4/7

B

Overall score: (380)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

گرامر و ساختار جملات

• reported speech رو جدی بگیر — «she believed her ideal weight is» باید بشه «was»

• «Although,» به‌عنوان جمله مستقل غلطه — یا ادغامش کن یا حذفش کن

• زمان فعل در ویزیت گذشته باید past باشه: «has taken» → «had been taking»

رجیستر و زبان پزشکی

• ❌ didn’t report → ✅ denied

• ❌ unclear → ✅ vague (regarding laxative use)

• ❌ complained of (برای مادر) → ✅ expressed concern regarding

• ❌ was suspected of having → ✅ I suspect she is suffering from

دقت در محتوا و اطلاعات کلیدی

• وزن بیمار در هر سه ویزیت (54، 48، 47 کیلو) باید حتماً بیاد — الگوی کاهش وزن مهم‌ترین دلیل ارجاعه

• مدت یبوست (۳ ماه) ذکر نشده

• «for further psychiatric assessment» رو توی جمله اول بیار

علائم نگارشی و نگارش

• اسم خاص (Sally) همیشه با حرف بزرگ — چند بار با حرف کوچیک نوشته شده

• ❌ fiber → ✅ fibre (OET استرالیاییه)

• ❌ overacting → ✅ overreacting (این غلط معنا رو کاملاً عوض می‌کنه)

• بعد از «Dear Dr. Yabe» کاما بذار

 

 

@Jana

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Emergency Registrar
Emergency Department
QE11 Hospital
249Wickham (249 Wickham) Tce
Brisbane 4001

• ❌ 249Wickham → ✅ 249 Wickham

30 September 2019

Dear Doctor (Dear Emergency Registrar,)

• خطاب باید «Dear Emergency Registrar» باشه — تسک صریحاً گفته

Re: Mr. Dave Cochrane
D.O.B: 20 November 2019 (1962)

• تاریخ تولد اشتباهه — کیس‌نوت رو چک کن

I am writing to refer Mr.Cochrane a 58 (Cochrane, a 56-year-old) retired patient who was diagnosed with heart failure (left ventricular failure). Urgent admission to your cardiology unit (Cardiology Unit) is required to stabilise his condition.

• سن اشتباهه — بیمار ۵۶ سالشه (متولد نوامبر ۱۹۶۲، نامه سپتامبر ۲۰۱۹)

• ❌ heart failure → ✅ left ventricular failure

• کامای بعد از Mr. Cochrane فراموش شده

• ❌ cardiology unit → ✅ Cardiology Unit

On his first visit, he complained of chest tightness, night cough and shortness of breath which was worse when lying down but improved with raising the head of the bed. Examination revealed dyspnea with a high jugular venues pressure, edema in both of his legs and the apex beat deviated laterally in the 6th intercostal space. On auscultation, basal lung crepitations was (were) detected.

• a high jugular venues pressure → پیشنهاد: elevated jugular venous pressure (venues هم تایپوئه)

• edema in both of his legs → پیشنهاد: bilateral ankle oedema

• crepitations جمعه — فعل were باشه نه was

Electrocardiography revealed cardiomegaly and the chest x-ray showed features of infection. 👍

He is a heavy smoker, consume (consuming) alcohol excessively and does not engage in regular physical activity. Although there is not any significant medical and family history of cardiac disease.

• he is a smoker, consuming… — فعل باید هماهنگ با subject باشه

• جمله‌ی آخر (سابقه خانوادگی) الزامی نیست — اگر میاد مختصرتر باشه بهتره

Based on the above findings, a diagnosis of heart failure was made and started on furosemide, digoxin and antibiotics as well as advised to stop smoking and drinking. (He was diagnosed with left ventricular failure and commenced on furosemide 40 mg/day, digoxin 0.25 mg/day and a broad-spectrum antibiotic for seven days. He was also advised to cease smoking and reduce his alcohol intake.)

• passive بد شکل گرفته — subject مشخص نیست: «a diagnosis was made and started on»

• دوز داروها رو ذکر کن — برای رجیستر اورژانس مهمه

• ❌ heart failure → ✅ left ventricular failure

• ❌ started on → ✅ commenced on

On review two weeks later, his condition had partially improved. Therefore he (, he) was advised to continue his medication and rest for one week. 👍

• بعد از Therefore کاما بیاد

Today, Mr.Cochrane presented to me with deteriorating his signs and symptoms of heart failure and significant anxiety which started two hours later. (Cochrane re-presented with severe shortness of breath, chest pain and diaphoresis of two hours duration, accompanied by significant anxiety. On examination, elevated JVP, bilateral ankle oedema and bilateral basal crepitations were noted. His blood pressure was 120/60 mmHg with a pulse rate of 66 bpm.)

• ❌ deteriorating his signs → ✅ worsening signs (deteriorate اینجا intransitive هست)

• ❌ two hours later → ✅ two hours ago

• علائم مشخص (SOB شدید، chest pain، diaphoresis) باید بیاد — مهم‌ترین بخش نامه‌ست

• یافته‌های معاینه‌ی امروز (JVP بالا، ادم دوطرفه، کرپیتاسیون) جا افتاده — حتماً باید بیاد

• ❌ heart rate → ✅ pulse rate

I would appreciate your urgent assessment and management of this patient. If you require any further information please, (, please) do not hesitate to contact me.

• کاما بعد از «further information» بیاد، نه بعد از please

Yours sincerely,
Doctor (Dr. [Name])

• امضا فقط «Doctor» نباشه — Dr. [Name] بنویس

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organisation & Layout: 5/7

• Language: 3/7

C+

Overall score: (300)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

دقت در اطلاعات بالینی

• تشخیص دقیق «left ventricular failure» بنویس، نه فقط heart failure

• دوز داروها رو ذکر کن: furosemide 40 mg/day, digoxin 0.25 mg/day

• سن و تاریخ تولد رو از کیس‌نوت دقیق بخون — هر دو اینجا اشتباه بودن

محتوای وضعیت فعلی (مهم‌ترین پاراگراف نامه)

• علائم امروز رو صریح بنویس: severe SOB، chest pain، diaphoresis — با ذکر مدت ۲ ساعت

• یافته‌های معاینه‌ی امروز (JVP بالا، ادم دوطرفه، کرپیتاسیون) جا نیفته

• BP و PR رو با واحد بنویس: 120/60 mmHg، 66 bpm

گرامر و ساختار جملات

• مراقب subject-verb agreement باش: he is a smoker, consuming… (نه consume)

• passive voice رو درست بساز: he was commenced on (نه a diagnosis was made and started)

• deteriorate فعل intransitive هست — worsening symptoms بنویس نه deteriorating his symptoms

انتخاب کلمات و رجیستر

• ❌ started on → ✅ commenced on

• ❌ two hours later → ✅ two hours ago

• ❌ heart rate → ✅ pulse rate

@Jana

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

21/09/2019

Dietitian
Morevale Community Clinic
10 Arthur Street
Morevale

Dear Ms June Stuart,

Re: Mr Alex Roden, DOB: 24/09/1951

I am writing to request a dietary assessment and appropriate recommendations for Mr Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widowed pensioner who was discharged from hospital three weeks ago (on 26 August 2019) after undergoing by-pass surgery (triple bypass heart surgery) due to an angina attack.

• three weeks ago — اگه بخوای می‌تونی تاریخ دقیق بدی، ولی اجباری نیست

• ❌ by-pass surgery → ✅ triple bypass heart surgery

Following the operation, Mr Roden was advised to follow a strict low-fat, high fibre (low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol), and gluten-free diet, . with increased fluid intake. However, he has been unable to manage his diet appropriately and requires assistance. His fluid consumption has been monitored regularly by a community nurse since returning home. (حذف — fluid intake رو با رژیم ترخیص ادغام کن) Since his wife’s death, he has mainly consumed takeaway and frozen meals, as well as red meat and lamb. His intake of fruit and vegetables has also decreased. He has gained 5kg over the past six months (BMI: 33). Recently he has also not been exercising. (He takes no regular exercise.) Mr Roden is on medication for hypertension which was diagnosed two years ago (Atacand 4mg and Cartia, both taken in the morning).

• ❌ low-fat, high fibre → ✅ low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol — رژیم رو از کیس‌نوت دقیق بنویس

• جمله fluid consumption رو حذف کن — fluid intake رو با رژیم ترخیص ادغام کن

• داروهای فشار خون رو اسم ببر (Atacand و Cartia) — برای دیتیشن از نظر تداخل غذایی مهمه

• ❌ Recently he has also not been exercising → ✅ He takes no regular exercise

In terms of his social history, he lives alone and has generally poor health (a generally fair health history). He used to be a heavy smoker and (He is a former smoker, having quit in August 2016, and) his alcohol consumption has decreased since last year (reduced to recommended levels over the past year). Following his wife’s death, he has found it difficult to cope with life. (Importantly, Mr Roden has never cooked for himself, as his late wife managed all household cooking — this is a key barrier to dietary adherence.)

• ❌ poor health → ✅ fair health (کلمه کیس‌نوته)

• ❌ decreased since last year → ✅ reduced to recommended levels

• جمله «difficult to cope with life» رو حذف کن — احساساتیه و به کار دیتیشن نمیاد

• ⚠️ مهم‌ترین نکته‌ی محتوایی که گم شده: بیمار هرگز آشپزی نکرده — همسرش تمام آشپزی‌ها رو انجام می‌داده. این علت اصلی عدم رعایت رژیمه و باید می‌آمد

Mr Roden has stated a desire to improve his diet and has agreed to referral to a dietitian. The Heart Foundation’s Healthy Eating brochures have been delivered to him.

Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,
Alice Raymond
Community Health Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organisation & Layout: 5/7

• Language: 5/7

B

Overall score: (380)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

دقت در محتوا (Content Accuracy)

• رژیم ترخیص رو از کیس‌نوت کلمه‌به‌کلمه بنویس: low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholesterol, gluten-free — نه low-fat, high-fibre

• نوع جراحی رو کامل بنویس: triple bypass heart surgery

• داروهای فشار خون (Atacand و Cartia) رو اسم ببر

• مهم‌ترین نکته‌ی محتوایی: بیمار هرگز آشپزی نکرده و بعد از فوت همسرش فقط غذای آماده می‌خوره — این علت اصلی ارجاعه

حذف محتوای نامربوط (Conciseness)

• «found it difficult to cope with life» — احساساتیه، حذف کن

• جمله fluid consumption رو حذف کن و fluid intake رو با رژیم ترخیص ادغام کن

• به‌جای «diagnosed two years ago»، اسم داروها رو بنویس

دقت در انتخاب واژه

• ❌ poor health → ✅ fair health

• ❌ decreased → ✅ reduced to recommended levels

• ❌ Recently he has also not been exercising → ✅ He takes no regular exercise

@user-685405

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: Bronwyn Green DOB: 15 March 1950

• ❌ Re Bronwyn → ✅ Re: Bronwyn — دو نقطه بعد از Re فراموش نشه

I am writing to request ongoing care for Mrs Green, a 69-year-old widow who requires assessment (ongoing nursing care) following her discharge today (tomorrow).

• ❌ requires assessment → هدف نامه «ongoing care» هست، نه assessment

• ❌ today → فردا ترخیص میشه (11 Feb)، نه امروز — ✅ tomorrow

On admission, Mrs Green was diagnosed with low-grade adenocarcinoma and underwent a right hemlcoletomy (hemicolectomy) on 20/01/2019, which led to metabolic and respiratory acidosis following an aesthetic. During hospitalization in icu (During her stay in the ICU), she complained of shortness of breath for which oxygen via nasal prongs was administered and pain was managed (and required reassurance).

• ❌ hemlcoletomy → ✅ hemicolectomy — غلط املایی

• جزئیات acidosis و بیهوشی برای Nursing Director مراقبت انتقالی غیرضروریه — حذف بشه

• ❌ in icu → ✅ in the ICU — حتماً the بیاد + ICU با حروف بزرگ

• ❌ an aesthetic → ✅ anaesthesia — غلط فاحش

• «pain was managed» خیلی کلیه و ربط چندانی به این مرحله نداره — حذف بشه

Over the past ten days (three weeks), Mrs Green‘s condition has been controlled in rehabilitation ward (has made steady progress in the Rehabilitation Ward). On review today, she was (was) able to walk with single point stick (a single point stick), (;) however, she still requires supervision. Her mood and appetite was (have) improved. Although, (Additionally,) Mrs Green has suffered from (experiences occasional) urinary incontinence and still requires to wear (wears a) pull-up pad. She remains oxygen-dependent.

• ❌ ten days → ✅ three weeks — بیمار از ۳۰ ژانویه در ریهاب بوده، نه ده روز

• ❌ condition has been controlled → لحن مناسبی نیست؛ ✅ has made steady progress

• «was able» اینجا درسته — review انجام شده و گذشته

• ❌ single point stick → ✅ a single point stick — article فراموش نشه

• ❌ mood and appetite was → ✅ have — subject جمع داره

• ❌ Although, → ✅ Additionally, — Although بدون clause بعدش اشتباهه

• ❌ has suffered from → خیلی dramatic؛ ✅ experiences occasional

• ❌ requires to wear → ✅ wears — این ساختار گرامری نادرسته

• «remains oxygen-dependent» خوبه ولی ناقصه — اضافه کن که در خانه هم از اکسیژن استفاده می‌کنه و نیاز به پایش داره

Her medical condition (history) includes COPD, HTN and anxiety, for which she takes regular medications. Please refer to attached medical charts for further details. Mrs Green lives alone, who gets help from her sister (; however, her sister lives nearby and provides occasional assistance).

• ❌ medical condition includes → ✅ medical history includes

• کاما بعد از «includes» غیرضروریه

• «Please refer to attached medical charts» — داروها زیاد بودن و ذکرشون لازم نبوده، ولی این جمله در OET letter غیرمعمول و نامناسبه — حذف بشه

• ❌ who gets help from her sister → relative clause به Mrs Green وصل نمیشه؛ جمله رو بازنویسی کن

• نکته‌ی مهم محتوایی: home modifications (نرده‌های دستشویی و حمام) اینجا ذکر نشده — باید بیاد

I would appreciate it if you could continue to monitor Mrs Greens (Green’s) mood (mood and anxiety levels) and change dressing (ensure her abdominal wound dressing is changed) every three days.

• ❌ Mrs Greens → ✅ Mrs Green’s — apostrophe فراموش شده

• ❌ change dressing → مشخص کن کدوم dressing — ✅ ensure her abdominal wound dressing is changed

• پایش اکسیژن (oxygen monitoring) که در case notes تاکید شده، اینجا ذکر نشده — باید اضافه بشه

If you require any further information, do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely yours (Yours sincerely)
Charge Nurse

• ❌ Sincerely yours → ✅ Yours sincerely — ترتیب استاندارد بریتانیاییه

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organisation & Layout: 4/7

• Language: 3/7

C Overall score: (290)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما:

1. دقت در محتوا و اطلاعات کلیدی

   • تاریخ ترخیص رو از تسک بخون — بیمار فردا (11 Feb) ترخیص میشه، نه امروز

   • پایش اکسیژن و home modifications دو نکته‌ی کلیدی این کیس بودن که حذف شدن — discharge plan رو کامل بخون

   • جزئیات حاد بیمارستانی (acidosis، ICU details) برای community nurse غیرضروریه — تمرکز روی وضعیت فعلی و نیازهای آینده باشه

2. گرامر و ساختار جملات

   • subject جمع → فعل جمع: ❌ mood and appetite was → ✅ have

   • ❌ requires to wear → ✅ wears / needs to wear

   • ❌ Although, (بدون clause) → ✅ Additionally,

   • relative clause رو درست وصل کن: ❌ Mrs Green lives alone, who → ✅ Mrs Green lives alone; however, her sister…

3. واژگان و رجیستر

   • ❌ an aesthetic → ✅ anaesthesia — یکی از بدترین غلط‌های این نامه

   • ❌ medical condition includes → ✅ medical history includes

   • ❌ has suffered from urinary incontinence → ✅ experiences occasional urinary incontinence

   • ❌ condition has been controlled → ✅ has made steady progress

4. علائم نگارشی و فرمت

   • Re: حتماً دو نقطه داشته باشه

   • ICU همیشه با حروف بزرگ نوشته میشه

   • ❌ Mrs Green mood → ✅ Mrs Green’s mood — apostrophe جدی بگیر

   • ❌ Sincerely yours → ✅ Yours sincerely

@Marzi_sj

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Dear psychologist (Dear Ms. Hudson,)

• ⚠️ مخاطب نامه باید با نام کامل خطاب بشه — «Dear Ms. Hudson» نه فقط عنوان شغلی.

Re: Alice Cooper DOB 14 June 2009 (14/06/2009)

• ❌ 14 June 2009 → ✅ 14/06/2009 — در نامه‌های پزشکی فرمت عددی تاریخ استاندارده.

I am writing to refer Miss Cooper, a 10-year-old student (Year 5 student) who requires further investigation regarding her psychological problems (— I am writing to request a psychological assessment for Alice Cooper, a Year 5 student at Toohey Point Primary State School, due to concerns regarding her emotional wellbeing and possible underlying grief.)

• ❌ سن بیمار (10-year-old) به‌جای پایه تحصیلی — در کیس‌نوت Year 5 آمده، نه سن. همیشه از اطلاعات کیس‌نوت استفاده کن.
• ❌ «refer» به‌تنهایی کافی نیست — هدف نامه درخواست «psychological assessment» است؛ این عبارت باید صریح بیاید.
• ❌ «further investigation regarding her psychological problems» — قطعی به نظر می‌رسه. زبان پزشکی محتاطانه باید بگه «possible» یا «suspected».
• 👍 جمله opening ساختار درستی داره — فقط محتوا نیاز به اصلاح دارد.

Initially, her medical history includes eczema flare-ups on hands which embarrassed her and mild asthma, for which she inhales ventolin. She is overweight (BMI 21) which has lead to decrease in self-confidence.

• ⚠️ این پاراگراف جای اشتباه داره — اطلاعات پزشکی زمینه‌ای (eczema, asthma) نباید اول بیاد؛ محور اصلی نامه تغییرات رفتاری پس از فوت پدر است.
• ❌ «inhales ventolin» → ✅ «uses a Ventolin inhaler» — فعل درست برای inhaler اینه.
• ❌ «has lead» → ✅ «has led» — past participle فعل lead برابر led است.
• ❌ «decrease in self-confidence» → ✅ «low self-esteem» — اصطلاح استاندارد پزشکی.
• ❌ داده‌ی خام BMI (21) نیازی نیست در نامه بیاد — جمله‌ی «overweight for her age» کافیه.
• ❌ «Initially» — این کلمه برای شروع یک پاراگراف پزشکی نامناسبه؛ بهتر: «Of note» یا «Regarding her medical history».

Alice’s father passed away one year ago (in September 2018) following a motorcycle (motor) accident which maybe have had (may have had) a significant impact on Alice’s condition. Now she lives with her mother and her siblings. (این جمله را حذف کن یا به‌جایش بگو: «She lives with her mother, who works full-time, and two siblings.») Over the past year, Alice has had recurrent episodes of absence from school (absences from school) with variety of complications (a variety of physical complaints, which I suspect may be psychological in nature).

• ❌ «one year ago» — در کیس‌نوت تاریخ دقیق داریم (September 2018)؛ استفاده از تاریخ دقیق‌تر و حرفه‌ای‌تره.
• ❌ «motorcycle accident» → ✅ «motor accident» — عین کیس‌نوت.
• ❌ «maybe have had» → ✅ «may have had» — maybe قید است، نه modal verb.
• ❌ «complications» — این کلمه برای عوارض پزشکی به کار میره، نه شکایت‌های جسمی کودک. → «physical complaints» یا «somatic complaints».
• ⚠️ جمله‌ی مهم حذف شده: باید صریح بگی که این علائم احتمالاً روان‌شناختی هستند نه جسمی — این توجیه اصلی ارجاعه.

Alice had acceptable progress (performed well) on (in) the first two years of school. However, recently she suffered from (has shown) poor concentration and was (is) reluctant to participate in school activities (class and sporting activities). According to her mother, she has poor social communication (has become increasingly withdrawn at home) and was (is) very close to her father. She has few friends and is reluctant to participate in group activities.

• ❌ «suffered from poor concentration» — suffer from برای بیماری‌های مزمن استفاده میشه؛ بهتر: «has been showing difficulty concentrating».
• ❌ زمان فعل — وضعیت فعلی بیمار باید با زمان حال توصیف بشه (has, is)، نه گذشته ساده (was, had).
• ❌ «acceptable progress» → ✅ «performed well» یا «made good progress»
• ❌ «on the first two years» → ✅ «in Years 1 and 2»
• ❌ «poor social communication» — این اصطلاح تخصصی اوتیسم است و اینجا نادرست است. کیس‌نوت میگه «few friends» و «often teased» → «has few friends and has been teased by classmates».
• ⚠️ اطلاعات مهم از کیس‌نوت حذف شده: گریه و دلتنگی برای پدر، پرخوری، و موافقت مادر با ارجاع نیاز داشت ذکر بشه.

I would appreciate it if you could indicate Alice problems (assess whether Alice has any underlying grief-related or psychological difficulties). If you need any further information, do not hesitate to contact me (please do not hesitate to contact me).

• ❌ «indicate Alice problems» — جمله گرامری نیست و معنی دقیقی نداره. هدف نامه «psychological assessment» بوده، پس closing باید به همین اشاره کنه.
• ❌ «Alice problems» → باید possessive باشه: «Alice’s difficulties» یا «Alice’s condition».
• ❌ «Sincerely yours» → ✅ «Yours sincerely» — ترتیب استاندارد انگلیسی بریتانیایی اینه.

• Purpose: 2/3
• Content: 4/7
• Clarity & Conciseness: 3/7
• Genre & Style: 3/7
• Organisation & Layout: 3/7
• Language: 3/7

C

Overall score: (260)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

هدف و درخواست نامه (Purpose)

• عبارت «psychological assessment» باید صریح در پاراگراف اول بیاد — ارجاع دادن کافی نیست، باید بگی برای چه ارجاع میدی.
• در انتهای نامه هم باید دوباره به هدف اشاره بشه — مثلاً: «I would be grateful if you could conduct a full psychological assessment.»

زمان فعل و دقت گرامری

• وقتی وضعیت فعلی بیمار توصیف میشه، از زمان حال کامل (has been, is) استفاده کن نه گذشته ساده (was, had).
• ❌ «maybe have had» → ✅ «may have had» — maybe قید است نه modal verb.
• ❌ «has lead» → ✅ «has led» — past participle فعل lead برابر led است.

انتخاب کلمات و اصطلاحات پزشکی

• ❌ «poor social communication» — اصطلاح تخصصی اوتیسم است؛ اینجا بگو «few friends» یا «becoming withdrawn».
• ❌ «complications» برای شکایت‌های کودک نادرسته → ✅ «physical complaints» یا «somatic symptoms».
• ❌ «inhales ventolin» → ✅ «uses a Ventolin inhaler».
• ❌ «decrease in self-confidence» → ✅ «low self-esteem» — اصطلاح استاندارد بالینی.

ساختار و سازماندهی نامه

• ترتیب پاراگراف‌ها اشتباهه: پیشینه پزشکی (eczema, asthma) نباید اول بیاد — شروع با فوت پدر و تأثیر آن روی رفتار آلیس منطقی‌تره.
• اطلاعات مهم حذف شده: موافقت مادر با ارجاع، گریه و دلتنگی برای پدر، پرخوری به‌عنوان مکانیسم مقابله — اینا برای روان‌پزشک خیلی مهمن.
• ارتباط علّی بین فوت پدر و تغییرات رفتاری باید صریح‌تر مطرح بشه — فقط ذکر هر دو کافی نیست.

رجیستر و لحن رسمی

• ❌ «Dear psychologist» → ✅ «Dear Ms. Hudson» — در نامه رسمی همیشه با نام مخاطب شروع کن.
• ❌ «Sincerely yours» → ✅ «Yours sincerely» — ترتیب استاندارد انگلیسی بریتانیایی.
• از زبان محتاطانه استفاده کن: «may have», «appears to», «I suspect» — نه اظهارات قطعی.

@Marzi_sj

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs Martinson 

Re Kenneth Phillips DOB 05/05/1973

✅ I am writing to request ongoing care for Mrs Phillips, a 46-year-old divorced woman who requires assistance regarding her rehabilitation process following her discharge today.

✅Initially, Mrs Phillips was admitted to the Spirit Hospital on 10/01/2019 for (a) bilateral lung transplant following (due to) interstitial disease. Over the past ten days, she received treatment in icu (the ICU) and (the) thoracic ward. During hospitalization, she has depended on oxygen therapy via nasal prongs at 2 L/min . She also had (developed) a stage two pressure ulcer on her coccyx (,) which daily dressing has been changed. 

• Transplant : اسم قابل شمارش

• Following: یعنی بعد از، و مفهوم علت و معلول رو نمیرسونه. به جاش از due to یعنی “به دلیل” استفاده شود

چون گفته‌ایم “During her hospital stay”، بهتر است از developed استفاده کنیم تا نشان دهد زخم بستر در طول بستری ایجاد شده است.

• ✅ developed = در طول بستری دچار زخم بستر شد.

• ❌ had = فقط وجود زخم را بیان می‌کند و زمان ایجاد آن مشخص نیست.

💡 اگر تعویض روزانه پانسمان جزو درخواست ادامه مراقبت است، نباید از گذشته استفاده کنیم. (این که در آخر رایتینگ هم بیاد کفایت میکنه)

• ❌ was changed daily = در بیمارستان انجام می‌شد.

• ✅ requires daily dressing changes = بعد از ترخیص هم باید ادامه یابد.

✅On 15/02/2019, she was transferred to (the) rehabilitation ward and ( . )during the first week, she was reluctant to reduce oxygen therapy because she experienced shortness of breath during mobility (mobilisation). Since 22/02/2019, Mrs Phillips agreed to reduce her oxygen therapy and made a steady recovery. She was able to perform her activities of daily living with supervision. She commenced taking immunosuppressive medication and analgesics by her own under supervision. 

• خط اول: وقتی یک جمله از نظر معنا کامل است (a complete sentence)، بهتر است آن را با Full Stop تمام کنیم، نه اینکه با “and” به جمله بعدی وصل کنیم 

• در مورد قسمتی که خط کشیده شده، دقت کنید این یک نامه after care هست و نیازی نیست گزارش کامل از آنچه گذشت بدید. اونچه که مهمه اینه که الان بیمار Sat چطوره و آیا اکسیژن نیاز دارد برای بعد ترخیص یا نه. بنابراین بهره خلاصه تر می بود.

✅On review today, she was able to walk independently and her mood was stable. However, she still suffers from urine inconsistent (urinary incontinence) and wears (a) pull up pad. 

✅I would appreciate it if you could monitor her medication compliance, daily dressing changes, her mood and also oxygen saturation levels. 

• Rephrased: I would appreciate it if you could monitor her adherence to her medication, perform daily dressing changes, monitor her mood, and monitor her oxygen saturation.

• ساختار جمله موازی‌تر شد؛ همه درخواست‌ها با فعل‌های یکسان بیان شده‌اند و جمله روان‌تر شده است. 

If you need any further information, do not hesitate to contact me .

Yours sincerely 

Nurse 

موارد مهمی که در رایتینگ ذکر نشده‌اند:

• ❌ اشباع اکسیژن هنگام ترخیص (SpO₂ = 94% در هوای اتاق) ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ رژیم غذایی بیمار (Low listeria diet، مایعات رقیق و اشتهای خوب) ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ وضعیت زندگی بیمار (زندگی به‌تنهایی و دریافت حمایت از خواهر) ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ عدم نیاز به اکسیژن و وسایل کمک حرکتی هنگام ترخیص ذکر نشده است.

• ❌ فواصل تعویض پانسمان (هر سه روز یک‌بار) ذکر نشده است.
  
  در واقع اصل هدف نوشتن این نامه وضعیت کنونی بیمار، درخواست های لازم و … همین موارد بالا هست که بهشون پرداخته نشده.
  در واقع پاراگراف 2 و 3 باید توی یک پاراگراف خلاصه میشد و می رسیدید به اینکه امروز بیمار داره مرخص میشه و وضعش اینه…

 

 

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

  C Overall score: (290)

@Marzi_sj

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr. Williams

Re: Ms. Gwen Brown, DOB: 22. Apr. 1975

✅ I am writing to refer Ms. Brown, a 44-year-old married woman, who requires your assessment regarding a periodontal lesion on tooth 22.

✅On 5. April. 2018, Ms. Brown first presented at my clinic with a generalized periodontal attachment* loss(,) for which a cleaning and scaling was performed,* and she was (then) referred to a periodontist for a flap surgery on tooth 22 (,) which had a 5-mm attachment loss and bleeding on probing associated with a developmental groove.

• کل این پاراگراف یک جمله شده که خیلی طولانی هست. به وصل کردن جملات و عبارات اصرار نکنید و سعی کنید 2 و نهایت 3 عبارت رو متصل کنید. جاهای که ستاره گذاشته شده بهتره نقطه بیاد.

• On 5 April 2018, Ms Brown first presented to my clinic with generalised periodontal attachment loss. Scaling and cleaning were performed. She was then referred to a periodontist for flap surgery on tooth 22, which exhibited a 5-mm attachment loss and bleeding on probing associated with a developmental groove. 

•  “On 5 April 2018” 

• “Surgery” is usually uncountable.

✅ There was (were) no significant findings on reviews in 6-month intervals.

“There were no significant findings” : Use the plural findings

✅On examination today, there was a 4-mm probing depth on tooth 22(,) accompanied by bleeding on probing. There was no conclusive response to cold stimuli due to connected crowns on tooth 22 and 23. I suspected a pulpo-periodontal lesion on tooth 22.

• Passive: A pulpo-periodontal lesion affecting tooth 22 was suspected. 

Please note that she was diagnosed with alopecia areata on her left temporal region in October 2019, and had experienced  an exudative tonsillitis in 2014.

• affecting her left temporal region 

• No article (an) is needed before the disease name 

It could (would) be greatly appreciated if you could assess and manage tooth 22 as you feel appropriate, and assess (x2, determine) if there was (is) any inflammatory relation(ship) between her dental condition and the onset of the (her)  alopecia areata.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Setareh Salehi

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

@Setisal

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs. Martinson,

Re: Mr. Kenneth Phillips DOB: 05/05/1973

✅ I am writing to request ongoing care for Mr. Phillips, a 45-year-old divorced builder, who was admitted to Spirit Hospital on 10/01/2019 and underwent a bilateral lung transplant and** (full stop) (He) is scheduled to be discharged from the rehabilitation ward today.

• ❌ Avoid joining several major events in one long sentence.

✅Post-operatively, he remained in the ICU ward (for) 10 days (,) and 3 weeks in the Thoracic Ward and subsequently he was transferred to the rehabilitation ward for (another/further) 2 weeks. The patient’s healing process was satisfactory,(.) His dependence on oxygen therapy has gradually decreased (,)and he is currently managing without supplemental oxygen, maintaining an oxygen saturation level of 94% on room air. At present (,)he is self-sufficient in personal care and activities of daily living; however, he requires supervision. He is on a low listeria diet and thin fluids,(and) his appetite has also improved.

• سعی کنید بیش از دو عبارت یا جمله رو لینک نکنید تا جمله خیلی طولانی نشه و روانتر خوانده بشه.

• ❌ The patient’s healing process ✅ The patient’s recovery 

• Healing process معمولاً به بهبود زخم یا محل جراحی اشاره دارد، نه وضعیت کلی بیمار. بنابراین در این جمله طبیعی نیست. 

• self-sufficient  معمولا در گفتار کاربرد دارد نه در نامه های پزشکی. بهتره بگیم independent.

✅Regarding his medical history, he has been suffering from interstitial lung disease since 2012 and has been taking a variety of medications, (.) please refer to the attached medication chart for further details.

✅Mr. Phillips lives alone and receives good support from his sister. He is able to self-medicate but requires supervision. There is a wound in the coccyx area that needs to be monitored and the dressing should be changed every three days.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require further information.

Yours sincerely,

Registered Nurse – Rehabilitation Ward

عالی – خیلی خوب همه چی، فقط استفاده از نقطه به جای کاما وقتی که جمله ی شما مفهوم کاملی میرسونه و همچنین استفاده درست از کاما بین عبارات طولانی. جز این پیشنهادی نیست. Well Done!

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 6/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 6/7

  B Overall score: (430)

@user-685405

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear D. Rosenberg,

Re: Ms. Taylor Hawking, DOB: 24, Mar,1999

✅ I am writing to refer Ms. Hawking, a 20-year-old university student, (Unnecessary comma) who requires your assessment regarding her dental crowding.

✅ Ms. Hawking has been a patient at my clinic since 2016 and has received restorations and routine scaling and cleaning on a regular basis. In July.2017, the patient presented with an acute pericoronitis on tooth 38 (,) which was managed by an in-office hydrogen peroxide irrigation. She was also advised to take Erythromycin 250 mg 4 times daily and Metronidazole 200 mg 3 times daily, and (to) rinse with a Chlorhexidine mouthwash. On the 2-week and 1-year recall appointments, no signs and symptoms of inflammation were observed at the site of the wisdom tooth.

• ❌ July.2017 ✅ July 2017 

✅Today, she presented with a complaint of “an ugly smile”. On examination, there was a severe 9-mm crowding on the maxillary arch and a moderate 6-mm space deficiency on the lower dentition, associated with a rotation of teeth 13 and 23 and a 5-mm lower midlineshift to the left. The patient was referred to take an OPG.

• ✅ She presented with concerns regarding the appearance of her smile.

✅In terms of her medical history, she has asthma and allergy to penicillin and peanuts(,) for which she uses a Ventolin inhaler and carries an EpiPen. Your assessment and management regarding her condition would be greatly appreciated

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Setareh Salehi

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 6/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 6/7

⭐Well Done!⭐

  A Overall score: (450)

@Setisal

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Doctor, 

Re: Mr. Dave Cochrane DOB:20 November 1962 

✅ I am writing to refer Mr. Cochrane , a 57- year-old retired (man: need a noun) who is (has been) diagnosed with acute left ventricular failure and needs (requires) emergency admission to cardiology until for stabilization. 

✅Initially,Mr Cochrane presented at my practice 7 weeks ago, (no comma) with complaints of positional shortness of breath,chest tightness and nocturnal cough. He ,also was (He was also) dyspnoeic and had a bilateral ankle edema,as well as a high jugular venous pressure. On examination,crepitations were heard in (both) lung bases (,)with no other significant abnormalities.his ECG showed cardiomegaly and an (chest) X-ray revealed features of infection. Given the diagnosis of left ventricular failure,a broad spectrum antibiotic for 7 days,furosemide and digoxin were prescribed.he also,was advised to quit smoking and drinking. 

✅On a review 2 weeks later, his symptoms had decreased (worsened) and he had reduced (his) alcohol consumption and smoking. Today, he presented with (a) flare up symptoms(,) including breath shortness (shortness of breath), chest pain and a 2-hour sweating spell. he was anxious and dyspnoeic. On examination, he had high jugular vein (venous) pressure, crepitation in (his) both his lung bases and a left shifted apex beat. However, there was no murmur and his (other) vital signs were normal. 

• Decreased: برای مقدار به کار میره

• “spell” is more common in general English 

✅I would appreciate (it) if you could assess and treat him as you feel appropriate.if you require any further information, please don’t (do not) hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely, 

Doctor 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

@Shivam

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr. Harrison,

Re: Ms. Christina Hollins, DOB: 20 Mar 1955

✅ I am writing to refer Ms. Hollins, a 64-year-old teacher, who requires further investigation regarding her oral mucosal lesions.

✅Ms. Collins is (has been) a regular attender at my practice for 10 years. She has been always (always been) reluctant to undergo periodontal scaling due to gingival bleeding and sensitivity associated with episodes of dry mouth. 

• چون for the last 10 years آوردید باید has been بیاد، اما is هم درست میشد در صورتی که نشانگر زمانی نداشتید.

✅Two weeks ago, she reported pain in her gums, for which she was advised to rinse with Oral-B mouth wash. The pain initially subsided. However, it recurred later.

(وصل بشه به پاراگراف قبل)I suggested (that) she use Biotene Dry Mouth toothpaste and mouth wash (mouthwash) and avoid spicy foods for two weeks.

✅Today, she presented with ulcerated lesions on her left buccal mucosa and (the) side of the (her) tongue (,) associated with shiny(,) red raised patches on both sides of (the) buccal mucosa and (the) dorsal surface of the tongue. She reported that she could only have soft bland diet. (he could only tolerate a soft, bland diet)

(وصل بشه به پاراگراف قبل)I considered (that) the condition could be related to Oral Lichen Planus.

In terms of her medical history, she was diagnosed with heart palpitation in 2017, for which she takes Noten 4mg daily (1/2 tablet am and pm) and Zocor 10 mg daily in order to lower her cholesterol level. Her blood pressure level is in (within) normal limits.

It would be greatly appreciated if you could assess and treat her condition as you feel appropriate.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Setareh Salehi

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (390)

@Setisal

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Mrs Jane Macintyre, DOB: 01 March 1980

Dear Dr Childers,

 

I am writing to refer Mrs Macintyre, a 39-year-old pregnant mother who requires antenatal care and birth due to a history of severe pre-eclampsia, caesarean section, and her age.

 

• سعی کنید تا حدی بازنویسی کنید و عینا از کیس نوت کپی نکنید چون معولا کیس نوت خیلی خلاصه هست، اینطور نمره بهتری میدن مثلا:

• due to her history of severe pre-eclampsia, previous caesarean section, and her maternal age. 

 

Today, Mrs Macintyre presented with a complaint of three-day painful urination (dysuria) .She has (had) a positive home pregnancy test (,)which is (her) fifth pregnancy and her last menstrual period was on 26 June 2019. Upon examination,(her) vital signs were normal and she had some dysuria for the past three days (تکراری).Her urine dipstick showed +3 protein, +2 nitrites, +1 blood.

• with a three-day history of painful urination. 

• رایتینگ یکم طولانی هست از لحاظ تعداد كلمات هم از استاندارد بیشتره بنابراین هر جا تونستید خلاصه نویسی کنید. مثلا جمله آخر و اول پاراگراف بعد میتونه خلاصه بشه و نیازی نیست جزئیات آزمایش رو بیارید:

• Urine dipstick findings were suggestive of a UTI, for which cefalexin …

 

Based on her symptoms and test results,Mrs Macintyre is suspected (of having a) urinary tract infection (,)for which cefalexin 250mg QID for five-day was prescribed. In view of (her) pregnancy and thrombosis risk,folic acid and tinzaparine(3500 units daily) were ordered.Arrange routine antenatal blood test and re antenatal screening for Down’s syndrome (,)in view of her age(,) were also ordered.

• Routine antenatal blood tests and repeat antenatal screening for Down’s syndrome, in view of her age, were also arranged 

 

Please note, Mrs Macintyre has two children(aged 3 and 5) and (a history of) two miscarriages. She had developed severe pre-eclampsia just in (during) her first pregnancy and her (first?) delivery was caesarean section. She had (has) a family history of heterozygous for factor V Leiden (,)for which she was treated with prophylactic low molecular weight heparin in (during) two previous pregnancies.

 

I would appreciate it if you could urgently assess and manage this patient.

 

Should you need more information,please do not hesitate to contact me.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Dr.Atefeh Mohammadi

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

@989124149700